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I would like to thank Sue (SueL), for her contact with ‘You’ magazine. Without her – we would not have had a chance to reprint this article. Also I would like to thank ‘The Mail on Sunday’ for their kind permission to reproduce this document.
The content of this article is copyright ‘The Mail on Sunday - 30th June 2002’ and cannot be reproduced without their consent.
Infertility is one of the most traumatic experiences any couple can go through. The longing for a child is one of the most fundamental human instincts, yet as many as one in five couples seek help after failing to conceive. The problems are just as likely to lie with the man as with the woman - 40 per cent for both with 20 per cent being told that their difficulties are the result of a combination of causes, often frustratingly diagnosed as unexplained.
Despite greater understanding of how our bodies work, infertility is on the increase - with factors such as higher incidence of sexually transmitted infections, changes in the environment and delayed motherhood all contributing. There are, however, an increasing number of options available to childless couples so which one to choose? Here, six couples reveal how, against the odds, they managed to have a family
INTRACYTOPLASMIC SPERM INJECTION (ICSI)
Susan, 42, and Geoffrey Alvey, 58, decided to try ICSI, where Geoffrey’s sperm was surgically removed and implanted into Susan’s eggs. They now have a five-year old son, James.
When Susan Alvey fell in love with Geoffrey 20 years ago she accepted they wouldn’t have children if they stayed together. Geoffrey, a manager in a financial services company, had had a vasectomy in his twenties after fathering two children in his first marriage.
But ten years into their relationship, by which time they were married and Susan was in her thirties, they began to talk about the possibility of a family. I particularly remember lying in bed one Saturday morning, says Geoffrey, thinking how nice it would be to have a little one between us. They considered adoption, but were told that Geoffrey’s age counted against them. The next option was to reverse Geoffrey’s vasectomy. But a first operation failed, and while the couple were waiting for a second reversal attempt, their GP suggested fertility treatment.
Susan admits that the failed vasectomy reversal had left them feeling very low and prepared to try anything. So within days they saw a consultant at London’s Lister hospital who recommended what was then a relatively new procedure called IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) it would involve surgery to retrieve sperm from Geoffrey which would be used to fertilize eggs retrieved from Susan. We decided very quickly, says Geoffrey, that we would give it a go. In total, the treatment cost £5,500. Susan looks back on this time as utterly horrible. The hormone course to stimulate egg production provoked a rare condition called hyperstimulation and she blew up like a balloon. The day the embryos were implanted in me I was bigger than I was later when nine months pregnant. But we were lucky. After 12 days a pregnancy test came up positive. A scan later showed I was carrying twins. It was almost too perfect. But the pregnancy was very difficult, and sadly one of the babies subsequently died at about 14 weeks. It felt like the end of the world, says Susan.
James, however, was delivered safely by Caesarean section in May 1996. Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe how we felt, says Susan. There isn’t a day when I don’t wake up and say a prayer of thanks for him. All children are special. But children like James arrive in the world against all odds. He is our cement, and he has made me a very contented person.
IN VITRO FERTILISATION (IVF) WITH EGG SHARING
Sarah Owen, 37, and John Webb, 33, took part in a scheme where Sarah donated eggs in return for free IVF treatment. They now have 9-month-old Jonah. Sarah Owen and John Webb, both actors, had been together for several years before they discussed having a family. Because John is a bit younger than me, explains Sarah, we waited until he was ready. But when at last the time seemed right, the couple found they could not conceive. Tests could find no reason for their problem and that’s very difficult in itself, Sarah says, because if there’s one thing you want to know, it’s why.
Initially they were offered treatment on the NHS, which involved Sarah taking the fertility drug Clomid. My mood swings were terrible, she recalls, and I felt utterly out of control - constantly flaring up at John and in tears all the time. When, after three months, they were told they would have to pay for further treatment - or go on a four year NHS waiting list - they felt desperate, as private treatment was beyond their means. When I revisit that time it seems like a long dark road that went on forever, says Sarah. We had difficulty helping each other because we both felt so much pain.
I felt a complete failure as a man, says John. I couldn’t do one of the most basic things you are supposed to do - reproduce. You get into a tunnel of doom where you are both so unhappy and sex becomes entirely functional. It felt hard to be in the relationship and certainly for a long time we didn’t have much fun.
A remark by their GP led them to Chelsea’s Lister hospital and their egg sharing scheme. In return for donating eggs to an anonymous couple unable to produce their own, the Lister would fund IVF treatment. John had reservations I wasn’t happy with Sarah giving part of herself away. Then I realised how much it would help others. But Sarah was always convinced this was the way forward. Infertility is such a negative thing, and to be able to give something back gave me a sense of worth I had lost.
Two and a half years after they had first tried for a baby, they had their first course of IVF. It failed. There followed a miserable Christmas, during which Sarah’s best friend announced an unplanned pregnancy, which was very hard. In the spring they were ready to try again and this time it worked. Jonah was born last January (2001) and everything we went through, says Sarah, feels worthwhile. We know people can try for a very long time says John, and we feel so lucky it worked for us. It’s already quite hard to remember the detail of what we went through. For so long we felt isolated, outside other people’s experience. Now we feel we have been blessed.
SURROGACY
David and Debbie Howells, both 33, opted for surrogacy after ovarian cancer left Debbie unable to have children. Their baby Grace was born 17 months ago. I love children, says Debbie Howells, and always envisaged having four. At the age of 26, however, after more than a year of trying and failing to get pregnant, Debbie was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. After the removal of her right ovary she still hoped that she and David, formerly a professional footballer, would be able to conceive - I have always been a very positive person. But further tests a year later revealed that the cancer had spread and Debbie’s womb and remaining ovary were removed - along with her hopes of having a child of her own.
Surrogacy was suggested as a possible way forward but Debbie felt that this would mean David having a child with somebody else, and that seemed pretty freaky to me. So they looked into adoption. But adopting is a nightmare when you have had cancer, Debbie explains. Her illness meant that she was not deemed a safe bet as a prospective adoptive mother and over a desperately disappointing four-year period she and David were turned down by three local authorities.
By this time Debbie was 30 and had watched all her friends have families. It was a horrible time; everything seemed to go wrong for us. David says that their relationship was put under huge strain and admits that he found Debbie’s intense desire to become a mother quite difficult. With her options so limited Debbie began to look at surrogacy. Basically I reprogrammed my mind because my chances of having a child of my own were completely gone. I made myself not think about the fact that this would not be mine genetically. I felt guilty about my inability to have our child. But at least it would be David’s and, for his sake, I had to give it a go.
A suitable surrogate came forward as a result of an article in a local paper. Gail had two children of her own, but it took six attempts with artificial insemination before she became pregnant - only to discover that the baby had a fatal chromosomal disorder and the pregnancy had to be terminated. That was horrific, absolutely awful. Gail had to give birth to the baby, a little boy, and I delivered it. But we all agreed to try again, says Debbie, this time using IVF. Gail, who was only paid expenses, fell pregnant straight away - but the baby died, inexplicably, at nine and a half weeks. It really was one thing after another.
When their surrogate then became pregnant by her husband we had to accept that it wasn’t meant to be with her. So they approached COTS, who found Jane, a married mother of four - straight away I had a really good feeling about her. After inseminating herself at home with David’s sperm Jane fell pregnant immediately. It was a turbulent pregnancy, but it held, says Debbie, and Grace was born, a month early, in June last year.
I bonded with her very quickly, it all felt very, very natural. I did have a bit of a downer after the first six weeks when it really hit home that I would never have a child of my own - and I admit I still find that difficult. There’s an emptiness which will fade, I’m sure, but won’t ever go completely. She sends photos of Grace to Jane and intends to tell Grace about her tummy mummy as soon as she can - so that it always seems normal to her.
Now that they have Grace, the Howells would like to try adoption again. While their experience of surrogacy was ultimately successful, they do not feel they could go through the procedure again. And because Debbie has been in remission for more than five years their chances of adopting look good. May be we’re just being greedy, says David, but although having Grace around is fantastic, we don’t feel complete yet.
DONOR SPERM
When ICSI failed, Judy, 43, and Nick Comer-Calder, 56, turned to sperm donation and are now the parents of 4-year-old twins, Harriet and Donald. Having children was not a priority for Nick and Judy Comer-Calder when they first met. There were too many other exciting things to do, says Judy, 43. Besides Nick, who is 13 years her senior, already had a daughter from a previous relationship and had had a vasectomy.
But when the baby of close friends died, the couple were profoundly affected. The experience brought us in touch with our own feelings about having children, says Nick, a media consultant. The obvious first step was a vasectomy reversal. It was, says Nick, very disappointing when it didn’t work. By now we were really excited about having a baby.
They tried ICSI, but failed, and felt devastated. It hit us very hard, Nick recalls. It was another route closed because the quality of my sperm was so low. I was very aware of having done something when I was much younger which was now having a profound effect on us - and yes, I did feel guilty. By this time the couple had joined a number of fertility organisations and, although at first the idea of donor insemination still felt quite strange and far down the line, they went to a barbecue held by the Donor Conception Network. They were so impressed by the families they met, and touched by the stories people told them that their doubts were dispelled. By the time we left, says Nick, we knew that this was what we wanted to do.
Of course we had to think through all the consequences of donor conception, says Judy. There were many issues that would affect both us and any children. Their next priority was to find a suitable donor. They felt it was important to have as much information as possible to pass onto any future children and while eye and hair colour were of limited importance, interests and education compatible with their own were a must. Eventually a graduate with a creative background was found via a clinic and the couple embarked on IVF again using the donor sperm, which costs £60 per sample (Judy and Nick bought about £1000 worth as stock for potential siblings). Everything went smoothly, Judy says, and when at our eight week scan we were told there were two heartbeats we were overjoyed. A double whammy!
Harriet and Donald are now 4 (5 in Feb) and have been told that there was a kind man who gave Mummy and Daddy some of his seeds. Their parents wish they could tell them more. It’s a sadness to us, says Nick, that as the law stands it’s not possible for them to meet the donor. We feel that openness is healthier for children. He loves them, he adds, as much as he loves his older daughter. They are just as much my children and there is no difference at all in my feelings towards them.
EGG DONATION
Michelle Sneade, 38, turned to egg donation when tests revealed she wasn’t producing enough eggs. She and her husband Sam, 41, now have three-year-old twins, Lauren and Isaac.
As far back as she can remember Michelle Sneade wanted two children: a boy and a girl. I distinctly recall telling my mother that I wanted a baby for my birthday when I was quite little, she says. Even after ovarian cancer at the age of 24 left her with one ovary and impaired fertility Michelle, a commercials producer, remained optimistic that she would one day have a family. But when, some years later, she met Sam, 41 and a film editor, she warned him that they might have to adopt. We knew we faced a struggle, he says, and I totally accepted it. What mattered is that we wanted a family together.
Although fertility tests on Michelle revealed that everything was working, the couple failed to conceive and further tests showed that Michelle was not producing enough eggs. It was then, says Michelle, that my consultant said that another way forward was with donor eggs. For me it was a lifeline. Infertility is very, very hard, it’s like a bereavement. I was grieving the loss of my fertility, which was very final, and this gave me hope. Having a child that was genetically related to me was not an option, but this was a way that I could go through the pregnancy, give birth and experience all those nurturing, mothering things. I couldn’t envisage life without children and this was going to be our way.
One immediate problem is that egg donors are in short supply. The Sneades decided to have one attempt at IVF using Michelle’s eggs which failed - before embarking on the wait for a suitable donor. Now we were in limbo, just waiting for that call. What made it harder was that all our friends were getting pregnant. And although I didn’t want my infertility to be a problem for other people there were lots of times when I’d put on a smile in public and then go home and cry.
After a wait of eight months the call came from the Cromwell hospital in London. It was nerve-wracking, but at last we were doing something. Sadly, however, their first cycle of IVF with the donor eggs did not work. Each treatment costs £2,800. Although we’d been warned not to expect much it was our lowest point, says Sam. However I knew we had to persevere. Four months passed and there was another call from the hospital. They said they had found the perfect donor for us, says Michelle. You get told very basic physical characteristics and that’s it. But it was enough for us we felt she had to be a very special person to want to do this for us.
Three fertilised eggs were placed in Michelle’s womb, two of which took. And, to the couple’s joy, Michelle delivered a healthy son and daughter at 36 weeks. We were thrilled. Yes, they had different beginnings which we have begun to tell them about. But they will always be our children and we will always be their parents. Because of who they are I can honestly say I wouldn’t have it any other way now. I would love to be able to thank the donor for making our lives complete, but that will never be possible. She gave us an incredible gift.
ADOPTION
After years of unsuccessful fertility treatments, from IVF to sperm donation, Wendy Longstaff, 38, and her husband David, 41, decided to adopt. They are now the parents of Sophie, 4, and Lily, 5.
Having worked as a nanny, Wendy Longstaff had always assumed she would have children. So two years into her marriage to David, a quantity surveyor, the couple began to try for a baby. I conceived very quickly, but had an early miscarriage. Although it was very upsetting, says Wendy, who was then 25, I thought great, at least I get pregnant easily. She could not have been more wrong.
A year passed with Wendy failing to get pregnant again, but while tests on Wendy revealed no obvious problem, David was found to have a lower than average sperm count, "but certainly not poor enough to prevent us from conceiving." A treatment called IntraUterine Insemination (IUI), where sperm is injected directly into the uterus, was recommended. But three attempts, over 18 months, all failed COST. "Emotionally it was a terrible time. All our friends were starting to have children and I began to wonder whether I would ever have a baby of my own."
Wendy describes with feeling the terrible indignity infertility can inflict. On one occasion she and David had make love at 3am before dashing to hospital for a test to gauge whether David’s sperm was still alive inside her. They even tried insemination with donor sperm, a step with which David, 41, admits he struggled he didn’t really like the idea of a child being genetically Wendy’s but not his (check). "But we were determined enough to try it, "he says, "because we wanted a family." Again, the procedure failed. "It was torture," Wendy recalls, "it had completely taken over our life, I was tearful all the time." Nonetheless it was with real hope that they embarked on a course of IVF, five years after first trying for a family, and to their delight Wendy became pregnant. But a scan at 14 and a half weeks revealed that the baby had died. "I remember that day better than my wedding day," she recalls. "I went absolutely crazy. I was beside myself, crying all over my consultant’s silk tie."
When, after a second failed attempt at IVF, their consultant asked whether they had considered adoption, Wendy’s reaction was one of overwhelming relief. By now she had endured five years of infertility and treatment and was, in her own words, "a wreck, just completely exhausted. I needed someone to say enough is enough. Neither of us felt we had to make a child of our own. We just wanted a family." But it was to be another five years before Lily, then 14 months old, came into their lives. The following year her sister Sophie, born to the same birth mother, joined the family when she was five months old and Wendy says: "I can now say I’m glad I couldn’t have my own children - because these are the children I was meant to have."
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