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Home  Articles & Poetry Counselling Coming to Terms & Moving On
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Coming to Terms & Moving On |
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Saturday, 19 July 2003 |
it’s an unfortunate reality that most people who go through assisted conception techniques, such as IVF, will not end up with a baby. The statistics tell the story: an overall success rate for IVF is about 18% according to HFEA figures--which means 82% of treatment fails. Science is imperfect.
The greatest challenge for those of us facing infertility is to find a way make peace with our situation, so that we can move forward in a positive way. This is vital to those who decide to adopt or build families through other means, such as surrogacy or fostering. It's also crucial for those who are unwillingly childless.
How do we heal such profound losses authentically? As a psychotherapist specialising in fertility problems, this is a crucial for me--not just for my clients but for myself too, as I am unwillingly childless.
One important step seems to be acknowledging the losses, feeling the pain, and grieving.
These losses encompass much more than the missing presence of the child whom we hoped to conceive and carry with our partner (if we have one). They also include the loss of the social role of being a mother or father, and later in life, the opportunity to be a grandparent. Other wounds may include loss of faith in our bodies; loss of self-esteem; damage to our relationship with our partner, particularly our intimate physical connection; breakdown in our partnership altogether; loss of faith in the goodness of life, in divine justice. Life may seem meaningless, once this cherished desire for a child is thwarted.
Many of us try to avoid feeling the pain by excessive activity--being extremely busy, workaholic, over-exercising, compulsive shopping and so on--all activities whose deepest goal is to block out uncomfortable emotions. Abusing drugs, smoking, alcoholism or even over-eating can be defences against feelings of sadness, emptiness and grief. Addiction to surfing the Internet could be another avoidance tactic.
Appropriate group ritual for fertility loss has been missing up until recently. The value of such services is that they validate the often hidden losses associated with infertility and unwanted childlessness--and provide an appropriate and safe 'container' for such feelings to be expressed.
We're accustomed to such rituals in the form of funerals and memorial services when loved ones die. Some enlightened hospitals run similar events for parents who have experienced stillbirth and miscarriage. Fertility loss services are extensions of that idea--acknowledging the grief of those who may have seen their living embryos under a microscope, only to have implantation fail in the womb. The services that I've been involved with go beyond even that--acknowledging the pain of those who are unwillingly childless for any medical or social reason--including lack of a suitable partner. Those grieving the loss of frozen embryos also are included.
For the past four years in London and for the first time in Scotland, free public service have taken place specifically aimed at people who have undergone fertility losses and failed fertility treatment. The service allows people who have experienced similar life setbacks to honour and grieve their losses in a healing and helpful way. The point is not to dwell on the pain and sadness, but to acknowledge and release it.
Many of my clients have attended these services and found them helpful. Others devised their own private rituals, sometimes with only their partner present, other times with a wider circle of family and friends supporting them.
Facing the losses and grieving them is one important step. There are other processes that are helpful as well: it is valuable to explore what we hoped to experience through parenthood. WHY do we want a child in the first place? (Yes, I know, fertile couples don¹t have to think about this--but it may greatly help us if we do!)
Often there are hidden agendas. If we can disentangle them, we can resolve some of the urgency and anguish associated with infertility.
In workshops, one way we do this is by visualising life with the longed-for child. What rewarding activities do we see ourselves doing? How is life going to be better with a child?
One woman saw herself sauntering through a park in a relaxed, aimless way, following her toddler who was discovering a leaf, a puddle, the bark of a tree for the first time. In discussing her image, this woman--who was deeply engaged in running a chain of shops--realised she longed to reconnect with nature, to relax and just be, without pressure to achieve. This was something she could rectify immediately--she saw that she didn¹t need the pretext of a child to take time off. (She and her husband later adopted two children.)
There are many reasons, conscious and unconscious, why we decide to have a child, besides the social pressures to conform and the biological imperative to procreate. Here are the top 11: (See if any ring bells with you.)
1) To prove our femininity/masculinity--and mark our maturity--joining that sorority of mothers pushing strollers in the park or waiting for children at the school gate, the fraternity of father kicking a football with their son in the park.
2) To prop up or revitalise a faltering marriage or relationship; in second marriages, where one partner already has children, a child between the couple may be desired as an affirmation of the second partnership, 'glue' for the remarried couple
3) To Keep up¹ with siblings and friends who are having babies
4) To please our own parents or in-laws, who are longing to become grandparents
5) Conversely, we may urgently need to separate from over-demanding parents or in-laws. If a woman is busy with her own infant, she has a good excuse for not going to Sunday lunch at her parent¹s home each week.
6) Working women may be looking for an honourable way to opt out of exhausting or unrewarding jobs. The baby is a legitimate passport to stop professional work altogether or shift to a part-time schedule.
7) To have somebody who will look after us in our own old age or failing health
8) To have somebody in our life that we can love fully, without reservation.
9) To have somebody (a child) who will love us (initially, at least) without reservation--to experience that unconditional love that most of us want and some of us feel we didn¹t get in childhood.
10) To give life renewed meaning. When the limits of material success become clear, there may come a deeper search for meaning. Men and women who have achieved much in the outer world may gradually begin to feel empty inside. Where is true meaning to be found? Perhaps a child is the answer? But meaning resides in many aspects of life--being a parent is not the sole source.
This issue is often felt more acutely by women than men, as some women feel their purpose in life has been negated if they do not have children (some cultures support this idea, unfortunately). Deeper exploration of the many faces of the Feminine often helps women broaden their vision of what it means to be a woman.
11) To give a child everything we think was missing or insufficient in our own childhood--more love, attention, kindness, understanding. (This is one of the most subtle and powerful reasons of all--and usually the least conscious.)
In the last case, dealing with our own wounded inner child may be what is really required. An entire field of psychotherapy and scores of books are devoted to this topic. It may take self-conscious work--but it¹s the most appropriate and straightforward way to address this particular issue.
The motivations above load onto any child our own agendas--the child has become a means to some end. Most of these needs can be met in other, more direct ways. In fact some of these goals may not be resolved by parenthood--their resolution will simply be postponed.
If these underlying issues are never consciously explored or addressed, any new baby--including adopted children--may be lumbered with unrealistic parental expectations, leading to disillusionment and unhappiness, both for parent and child. Obviously no one wants this outcome--but are we willing to do the work on ourselves to avoid it?
We¹ll be able to tolerate our losses with less pain and more grace after we have met at least some of these valid and appropriate desires, needs, goals through other, less circuitous avenues than having a child. The Grit-your-teeth' style of coping is a short-term tactic that often exacts a high price in the end--in the form of depression, addictive or obsessive disorders (as mentioned above).
Bringing deeper thought, reflection and understanding to our desire to become parents is likely to make us more enlightened parents than people who simply sleepwalk into it. Doing this inner work may increase our chances of becoming parents--as unconscious, self-sabotaging behaviors fall away. For those who never have a child, it may be crucial to making peace with this major life setback.
Meredith Wheeler is a transpersonal psychotherapist who specialises in fertility issues. She is a member of the British Infertility Counselling Association (BICA), an organisation that offers a referral service for those seeking fertility counselling. For help in finding a local counsellor, contact Sheila Tuffield, Information Officer at
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or visit the website: www.bica.net or tel: 01342 843880
Meredith runs workshops around the UK and in France. Contact her at:
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Tel: (00 33) 563 59 11 32 Fax: (00 33) 563 59 11 31 or write to her at St. Martin de Dauzats, Lautrec 81440 France.
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