I was swapping treatment stories with a fellow IVF friend recently when we got on to the subject of stories people have told us when we have confided about what we were going through that they think are helful but which are acctually stretching the boundaries of insensitivity to a whole new level. In those moments I have often felt that if I don't laugh to myself I'll cry and I wondered if anyone else had a story they would like to share from the confused world of supportive friends who just don't get what we're going through? Hopefully laughing together will help us be better equipt for the clangers of the future!
My insensitive tale is this; I had to tell one of the work managers that I was having IVF treatment and would need to not be in work for a week or two during treatment. She was fine about this and really supportive, then decided to share this little gem; her friend went through 10 failed cycles of IVF, she was later diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away. My manager said she and her friends all feel that this was due to the repeated IVF medication and the effect this had on her body. Needless to say- I was speechless!
Please join in if you have an insensitive story of IVF clanger to share.
I'm a teacher and my deputy head knows how utterly desperate I am for children, knows about the IVF attempts, etc.
We were talking recently about a boy in my class and out of the blue she piped up "Well that's what boys are like and unless you have them, you really can't understand how they work"
Nice.
I'm a teacher too and people seem to think we don't have our own wants or needs with regards to children. Last week a parent was moaning that she would have her (lovely, well behaved) 5 year old with her for 2 weeks with no school. I smiled and made a comment about the weather forecast looking good. She replied that as teachers we get the best deal as we only have to put up with children for a few hours a day and then hand them back and said 'I suppose even that's enough to put you off though as you're not having any are you?'
How dare she make a comment like that. I know she is unaware of all that I've been through but even so at 33 how the hell does she know I'm not having any children? Just because she was fortunate enough to have her 2 quickly and easily while she was younger than me, means absolutely sod all. Her children are lovely but still it seems a pain for her to look after them.
The hardest thing is being unable to make a come back comment as I was in my professional capacity.
Oh my!! Well done for biting your tongue, but as you say, what can you do when you're in your professional role?! I do think I might have struggled though...
Since reading this post, I'm racking my brain to think if I've ever made insensitive comments unwittingly to people in the past...
On the teacher front -I teach in a college and the number of times a child has come to me telling me they're expecting an accident -at the time I was working with special needs so the majority had their babies taken away and one was pretty much forced into having an abortion -I was beside myself as I had to remain professional and could say 'no!!! I'll have it!' which was what I really wanted to say!
ok, here's another. My friend's DH bought her a voucher for her and a friend to go for a massage/facial and she chose me (which was fab!) so I'm laying face down on this table covered only by a sheet and the woman about to do my massage sticks her oar in a bit like this:
her: so do you have kids then
me: er yes, one
her: only one? are you having any more?
me: (narked off at her nosiness) no it took us 6 years to have the one we've got so I shouldn't think so
her: that's funny because I got pregnant really quickly
like I want to hear that!!
I got a great one from someone in church on Easter Sunday morning today. But I have to let them off because they didn't know I was trying I guess.....
She stated that she had a friend who DH had zero sperm count but after getting rid of their microwave oven and taking some (unspecified) vitamins they conceived. Makes me wonder what they were doing with the microwave oven??
Heard something today that sent me into an absolute rage.
I was sat in a cafe having lunch with my hubby and little boy, on the table behind us were a group of young girls - the stupid, shallow, giggly type that just rub me up the wrong way anyway.
They were talking about babies and how they didn't want to get pregnant because "you just get fat and lose your looks" errr thanks!
One of them was talking about all the times she's been "caught" but it was no problem because she had just gone to the clinic and got it "sorted" Then one of them went on to say if she ever got pregnant she would "just sort it out herself by pulling it out with a coat hanger"
The other one said that her boyfriend was desperate for kids but it was never going to happen as she was just going to secretly keep taking the pill and if he got suspicious she would just tell him she was infertile!!
I mean what the actual f*@k??!! Are people like this actually for real?? I really really hope that conversation doesn't come back to haunt them in a few years when they've maybe grown up a bit because I wouldn't wish infertility on ANYONE!
Hubby saw the look on my face and got me out of there sharp ish because I was really working myself up to putting the stupid in their place. If little one hadn't been with me I would probably already have launched myself at them!!
Stupid girls Jonsgirl . The whole spectrum of fertility (including infertility) should be part of the curriculum at some stage and then perhaps we wouldn't all grow up so ignorant until it's too late. I shudder to think what I used to say when I was their age
Another Mum blunder for me. A week after our failed cycle, my Mum had a big party. She thought that she'd share with me how convinced her friends were that I was pregnant. Depressing in so many ways, not least that it was really hard to go to a party after such disappointment and the dress (that I thought was so lovely) actually clearly made me look huge
I was lucky enough to have a baby this year after IVF (at age 39 after trying for many yrs), but I soon found that I have had to brace myself with every midwife appointment, as every single time they insist on talking to me about contraception. GOD knows why they can't remember / don't check my notes / whatever but I have had to endure the same lecture about not getting pregnant! arghh!! Yes, I am 39, first child, married for 14 years, I think I am pretty good at not getting pregnant, don't you? Thanks very much! *bites tongue*
Mmm, after my son was born my midwife asked me at one of the postnatal visits what form of contraception we planned to use. I said none since we needed fertility treatment to have him. She said, well it's quite common for people who need tx to conceive their first to go on to have their second naturally and easily. Not sure if I had to spell it out for her but no sperm = no babies! Why else would we have needed a sperm donor? Unless I am visited by the angel Gabriel it simply isn't going to happen for us!
Carrie - After my mc everyone was very keen to tell me that I was now super fertile so should start having sex straight away because I was bound to fall pregnant - our issue however has never been my fertility so really I could be as super fertile as anything but with DH's sperm count that hasn't been over 600,000 in over a year and has been 0 and of those they don't move very well... Not the most helpful comments at the time!
Lol girls! Carrie Lou, I do hope for a visit from the Angel Gabriel for you and me both
I also don't plan on using contraception after the birth of my baby boy, as I am desperate to have another one. With DP's issues I really doubt this will work for us however, so I shall quiz any midwife or health visitor on the best ways to ensure I get pregnant again naturally without actually getting any sperm inside me. Maybe they have an interesting tip!??
Hi
Another insensitive comment from the in laws. Sitting with my sister in laws. One of whom said to me you know people complain when they have got kids and when they haven't, another of them then chipped in, yeh people are never happy. I just nodded and said yeh true. Wish I had been more quick witted and said how u can compare the moaning whims of those who have got kids with the desperate need for those who haven't and would give anything to be a mother is beyond me. Stupid ignorant people. Aaaargh
How could I forget the acupuncturist (who knew she was treating me for fertility problems) telling me she had to get her tubes tied because her husband only had to look at her for her to be pregnant. I never went back...
On Friday during their appraisal, a staff member told me that the reason that they had had such a bad and stressful year since last summer was because I wasn't there to support them...because I was off having had a miscarriage.
I was off 2 weeks annual leave (having treatment in Spain but still answering e-mails) and on my first day back at work I had the m/c (which is why everyone knows). I only took a week off afterwards...
I stopped the tears from falling by telling myself that they don't realise what they are saying. Every part of me screamed "appraisal over - get out my office now!" but instead I smiled supportingly and kept my head down pretending to write copious notes until the tears stopped welling.
But over the weekend I've remembered that this wasn't the first time that they had said this to me - so now I am angry .
That moronic idiot should be penalised for trying to blame their failings on somebody who has suffered tragic loss, they are pathetic!
They would never have said such a thing if you had been off work for some other medical reason.
I am angry on your behalf and given half a chance I would like to think that I could say to that human leech that they aren't worth your time of day and I pray to god that they never have to suffer as you have as if that is their attitude they will never survive it!
Lots of FF love to you I hope you are feeling better about it they really aren't worth your time or energy!
Pudding
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