I am having a really hard time and need some support please.
In October 2007 I gave birth to my twin boys at 24+5. After 2 days one of boys Alex, decided to say goodnight after a big bleed in his brain and lungs and passed away in my arms. We had his funeral a week or so after. I cried a little biut, got drunk, then life went back to normal sitting by Christophers incubator worried sick that he was going to die too.
Christopher was very sick for a long time and I didnt think he would make it, but after 4 months in intensive care and after 4 operations, he came home where he belonged.
Life was horrible for months as I didnt enjoy him at all as I thought he was going to die constantly.
I didnt really think much about Alex as I had too much on my plate with looking after Christopher.
Even when Christopher was in hospital, I craved to be pregnant again so last year I had single embryo transfer and got pregnant first time again with another boy. Pregnancy was going well until I hit 22 weeks and my cervix started to shrink so they put 2 emergency stitches in and luckily it kept him in until 38 weeks and he was fine.
I found it a bit hard when I had the new baby home from hosp and I started to feel very depressed. I had really bad days then I was fine, then had more bad days. The bad days were always about losing Alex.
I have a some lovely friends who I met in the hospital, who have twins and that has never bothered me. But on Saturday night I went out with some friends and half of the group were parents of twins so a lot of the talk during the night was about twins.
I woke up yesterday morning and felt totally low and upset and spent most of the day/night/today in tears. I just want my baby back and its not fair.
I really dont know how to cope with this. I was all set to go to the docs this morning but now I dont know what to do.
People say it gets easier but I am finding it is getting worse. I know it is all down to the fact I didnt/couldnt grieve for him as I had Christopher to worry about but I dont think I know how to grieve now its nearly 2 years later.
How have you all coped as you might be able to help me. Sorry if I have waffled on x