A New Chat Thread for Twin Mummies bringing up lone twins

[Hugs]

Budgie,

Aimee is now 16 months but 12 corrected. She is doing amazing she really is and is such a pleasure. She give me reason to wake everyday. She has started pulling my top to get up onto her feet  . She is still on oxygen 24/7 but today she was going to be taken off it for a bit but i cancelled the appointment as she has a high temp which i think it down to teething cause she is fine every other way.

I have met a couple of mums on here that had very prem babies so i will tell them to join this thread too but i know one of the mums just got her wee man home yesterday she also lost the other twin boy.

Do you take your LO to nursery ? I don't take Aimee into any contact with other kids as the hospital advise not to and plus i still way to paranoid and when anyone comes in my hose they are made to gel there hands 

Oh Aimee is moaning. back later

Denise
xx

[budgie]

Hugs, Sounds like she is doing fantastic.

I have a major germ phobia.  I would never let anyone near Nathan unless they hand washed and alcoholed their hands.  People used to think i was crazy.  I remember my sister in law muttering under her breath "whats she going to do when he starts crawling" as i frog marched her to the bathroom.

I still panic about taking him places because he always used to get ill but recently he has had lots of coughs and colds and had a test to see if his immune system was working (was fine).  The doctors told me not to be too clean around him now so i'm getting better.

Nathan doesn't go to nursery.  We have just started putting his name down for pre-schools. How I am going to drop him off there and walk away I don't know but I will because it will be good for him.  I live my life in fear that something will happen to him.  I have read that about other people so many times though that i don't feel at all crazy......honest!

Off now but hope to catch up with everyone later.  Love to you all. XX

[kiwitk]

Hi all,

Whilst my heart breaks that there are so many other Mothers of solo twins out there it's also comforting to know that I may still come out of this with one of them surviving.....  it's been so hard to lose our little one in the womb I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of loss when you've actually had a chance to meet your baby, you must be so strong to pull through that....

Today we were up at the hospital again as I was leaking a lot of fluid yesterday and today and was terrified that one or the others waters had broken and knew that if that was the case at just on 22 weeks it would be all over...  They've done a lot of tests and looked at the neck of the womb which was still tightly closed which is great news, we get the test results on friday but they've initially thought that it's probably just increased normal pregnancy vagnl secretions, so hopefully they are right.

Nice part was that they did a scan whilst we were there and we got to see our little boy moving around and a really good heartbeat.  They've said he has a lot of fluid around him which is also good news.  I asked to see the little girl too as we didnt get to see her when they broke the news last week.  She looked so tiny and peaceful, just lying there quietly, really glad I got to see her.

I've been thinking about counselling too as I cant seem to get through a day without tears, phoned TAMBA last night as they have a bereavement service where you can speak to other Mum's who've been through the sme thing, or just read their stories if you dont want to speak to someone.  The lady on the phone was really lovely and helpful and said to phone back whenever I'm ready.  As I cant talk (or type) about it without going into hiccuppy sobs I sai I'd probably wait a few weeks to allow myself a bit of control....

Daniel is one of 3 names we are trying to decide on for our surviving twin too

I think it's natural to be a little overprotective of your babies - if our little guy fights through and makes it the relatives will be lucky to get anywhere near him for a few months much less have to wash their hands!  I'll be a nightmare overprotective mother, but I think they are just such a miracle at that stage your protective instinct would just go into overdrive....

Have you had thoughts on how or when you would tell the other that they were one of a twin?  I'm wondering as our twin will never have been officially born (death before 24 weeks if not delivered doesnt count apparently), should I even tell him?  Not sure what to do in that situation.  At birthdays do you celebrate both or would that make the day less special for the survivor and something to take the shine off the day - so many questions.....

Enjoy your gorgeous babies xx

[dreamer100]

Hi All, So glad we have this special place to all get to chat

Hi Hugs,
Sophie is doing great 7 months old now and 11lb ish, she is very demanding not sure if this is a prem thing !!!! but its difficult to get me time so having to get her nans to help so I can have time out .

Glad to hear Aimee is progressing,  have been reading your posts and you had had a tough time recently too, you just keep finding your strength as you should be proud of yourself. 

Kiwitk
I am so sorry to hear of you situation, everyday is a new day and your little boy will grow stronger every day, he will have his very own guardian angel looking out for him. I am having Sophie's christening on Saturday at our local church I will say a pray for all of you  . 

 When Sophie & Millie were born they were so tiny 1lb 6oz  & 1lb 3oz and I didnt want any vistors to see them I just wanted to protect them as it was the only thing I could do, I still wash my hands all the time without relising, it becomes a ritual.  Its just a natural instinct I suppose.

 

I think its really important to grieve for your twin and do something special to remember her by, maybe light a candle. You will always be a twin mummy . 

 

[Hugs]

Hi all,


I asked to see the little girl too as we didn't get to see her when they broke the news last week.  She looked so tiny and peaceful, just lying there quietly, really glad I got to see her.



Daniel is one of 3 names we are trying to decide on for our surviving twin too

I think it's natural to be a little overprotective of your babies - if our little guy fights through and makes it the relatives will be lucky to get anywhere near him for a few months much less have to wash their hands!  I'll be a nightmare overprotective mother, but I think they are just such a miracle at that stage your protective instinct would just go into overdrive....

Have you had thoughts on how or when you would tell the other that they were one of a twin?  I'm wondering as our twin will never have been officially born (death before 24 weeks if not delivered doesn't count apparently), should I even tell him?  Not sure what to do in that situation.  At birthdays do you celebrate both or would that make the day less special for the survivor and something to take the shine off the day - so many questions.....

Enjoy your gorgeous babies xx

Hi,

I'm so glad you got to see your wee princess. When i had my last scan where we were told Daniel was already an angel i never looked at the screen and i regret that everyday, Also when Daniel was born i didn't want to see him i it kills me every day that he never felt mummies hugs   At the time i was too scared to see him my his daddy saw him and said he was just perfect but so tiny as he was only 315grams god i hate myself for not seeing him, We had Daniel cremated and i have his ashes next to me all the time and i talk to him and i guess thats my way of dealing with it but i hate myself.

I know what you mean about not being considered a birth if born before 24 weeks well that is so wrong cause Daniel was 100% fully formed and perfect just too small inside to survive but to make matters worse on the paperwork the hospital gave me away they put "spontaneous ABORTION" of twin one and "live birth" of twin two now I'm sure you will all understand why I'm so upset and hurt with those harsh words. How dare they use that word abortion. I did not ask to loose him.

Aimee knows about her big brother as i tell her that he is watching her every second. When she is old enough i will tell her what happened and when people ask if she is my only one i say well "Aimee is is twin but i lost her brother" He is here with us all the time the same as your wee princess is too. As my twins were born 25 days apart i guess it makes birthdays easier in a way as Daniel has his day and Aimee has hers but on there due date  its about both of them. I still get Daniel a Xmas and birthday card and will do till the day i die. He is my special wee man.

The situation your in is just so hard and you will have hard days to come but you just do whats right for you, i.e seeing her at birth, funeral etc

We also gave Aimee Daniels middle name so she is "Aimee Danielle" and that way he is special in his own way to her.


Dreamer- your wee lady is a chunky monkey then ?   Thats a great weight and really she is only 3 months corrected. Aimee was 21lbs at her last weigh in ages ago but god she is so heavy to hold. How is your lo doing development wise ? Aimee seems to be doing great but i always said as long as her heart beats thats all that i care about.

Well Aimee is lying her naked as she has a temp which doc thinks is a urine infection so waiting on a pee so i can get it tested but god that will be fun.

Love to all
Denise
xx

[AggieJ]

Hiya all

Just wanted to pass on some special  . Want to write properly but I've completely run out of time this evening - faffing!  Got some work to do after dinner so better get a move on I guess.

Will try tomorrow 

Love Kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[AggieJ]

Morning. Have some precious time before my boys wake up...
We have masses of snow this morning but I know our school won't close (I'm a teacher), it didn't earlier in the week and then all the papers have made such a fuss about it all! 

Kiwi - hope you know I'm thinking about you loads at the moment and praying for your beautiful little boy to stay safe and healthy. I know his precious sister will look after him... I used to tell myself that Eddie had come on the journey to keep his brother safe, and that he carries on looking after him. I know other mummies feel the same about their little ones. So sorry you had a scare with possible leakage and that your scan was reassuring. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now  . Good that you phoned Tamba as having a befriender will help you in the months ahead 

Michelle - sorry you're feeling so isolated. I know exactly what you mean... it's an unusual and heartbreaking situation and I learnt early on that the majority of people are at a loss to know what to do and say. We can't cope with death at all in this country, particularly of an infant or child. It makes me so frustrated as most people don't have to go through it themselves. I used to get so offended when people said nothing  . Counselling will help as it's great to have some time for you  So great that Sophie is piling on the weight, she sounds like she's doing amazingly.

Emma - hello and sorry I've been so hopeless at keeping in touch  . It's so hard when our little ones are ill, I know exactly what you mean... Must be so much harder when your babies have been so premature, and you've seen them looking so tiny and vulnerable. At 34 weeks, Jacob was like a spider monkey, was on CPAP and I couldn't hold him for 2 days but he was a stonker compared with most of the babies in SCBU!  I still found that the problems caused by his prematurity made his care more difficult... he had bad reflux and a hernia to start with. Everything you say about your fears surrounding Nathan sounds so normal to me 

Denise - I can't believe that the hospital put that on your records  . That's just so terrible  What you say about being scared of seeing and holding Daniel made me cry... I too have so much guilt around not being there for Eddie at the end. I was in so much shock that I couldn't hold him (DH did instead) and could only stay a short while after the machine was switched off. It upsets me now as I feel that I should have been there as his Mummy. However, I think when we've severely traumatised and in shock we can only do what we can do. Our boys know that we love them with all our hearts... even after over a year, Eddie creeps into my thoughts so frequently.

Right, I can hear stirring from next door. Think I'll be greeted by one very grumpy boy as he's working on 4 molars simultaneously. That's got to hurt!!

Much love

Kate xxxxxxxx

[budgie]

Hello

I too believe that our little ones brothers/sisters are looking after them.  Nathan has done so well that i'm sure he had Daniels help along the way.  When Daniel died Nathans stats fell suddenly then shot up again.  He felt him leave him but I believe that Daniel pulled him back up and said lets do this together.

Kiwitk your little boy will have his guardian angel.

I did get to hold Daniel whilst he died but I have other regrets in that my boys never got to be together in this world.  Their incubators were not even next to each other.  I will also always hate myself for not arranging Daniels funeral quicker.  We were worried that if we had one funeral we would have to then have another.  We were told by the hospital that if needs be we could leave it for months (we had no intention of  that long but was reassuring that we had time) but on asking us when it was going to happen one nurse accused us of "leaving him to rot".  I will also always blame myself for not keeping them inside me longer and thats because I believe theres something I could of done.  The worse thing is not knowing i suppose.

XX

[kiwitk]

hi everyone,

Hearing that your wee miracles are all continuing to thrive gives me so much hope  My little guy continues to battle on and seems to be VERY active!  If all this flip-flopping is any indication of personality I'd say he's going to be quite the handful

I think events of the past week caught up with me this morning, stayed in bed sleeping until 11am!  Cant remember the last time I slept in that long.  Slowly each day brings a few less tears and a bit more hope, Like Budgie I still lie awake at night wondering if it was something that I did wrong to cause this - analysing every meal I've eaten, every action to see if I could have prevented this - but I think really that way madness lies  Aggie I like your thought that Eddie came on the journey to keep his twin safe, I read someone else say as well that God decided that their little one was just too special for this world and had to be brought home.  I think that we need to allow ourselves to believe that it was natures way of preventing a child who would find life a painful struggle being born, otherwise it's just too much.  I can remember the doctor saying to me 'you still have a baby boy to be excited for' only just after we'd found out; I blurted 'But i dont feel excited - I'm their Mummy I was meant to be looking after them!!!'.   

I've decided to start a scrapbook/photo album for our wee one, with photos of DH and me during pregnancy, and paper clippings of what was happening in the world whilst he was waiting to meet it, there's such a lot going on in the world this year that it should make interesting reading for him on his 18th or 21st birthday, and in some small way I hope it will show him that life continued after the death of his sister and we were still looking forward with hope to his arrival, and that he was in no way second best....


Denise that's so horrible that they put that on your records it must have broken your heart all over again when you saw that, now that I know that's a possibility I'm going to ask if it can record something less graphic for my wee one.  It sounds like Aimee is doing really well, it must be a joy every day to see her milestones, it's only 2 more weeks until my guy reaches 24 weeks so it's good to know that if he comes that early theres a chance for him

Budgie I'm going to try my best to hold my wee one when she comes, although if we make it through to almost term theres a good chance that she'll just be a remanant so I'm not sure how I feel about that - I guess I'll know what feels right when the time comes, I at least unlike some of you wont be having to deal with the shock and grief in that moment as we'll have had time to prepare, I'm so glad you got to hold Daniel and kiss him goodbye.  Dont beat yourself up about delaying in those circumstances I would have done the same thing as at least they could have been together if the worst happened, and in th end we just have to do what feels right to us as their parents.  I really feel for you with the whole preschool thing, I know it's really hard for mums to drop their babies at preschool for the first time under normal circumstances, it must be so much more difficult in this situation, when he is so unbelievably precious.  The difficult thing is I'm sure that no one would understand who hasnt been through the same thing, everyone naturally believes their child to be precious, but having lost one so early and fighting with and for the survivor for so long makes them even more so...  I'm glad he's doing well

Dreamer I hope this weather improves for Sophies christening on the weekend - I'm sure the sun must be shining on such a special day  have you had any more thoughts on the counselling yet?  It may really help to have someone to talk to from the TAMBA bereavement service if you are finding things tough...

Love to everyone, keep strong xx

[Hugs]

Hello,

Dreamer100 - u OK hunnie ?


Anggie - I hate the hospital for putting that nasty word on my records and to this day it haunts me.


Budgie - With regards to Daniels funeral we lost out Daniel on Aug 23rd and did not have his funeral until 26th of November and like you i feel so bad we took so long but the ITU where Aimee was gave us no hope and even offered me a termination after i delivered Daniel  but she proved them all wrong but i guess if Aimee was not to have a chance of life we wanted them to be together.Like i say i will always regret not holding him but at that moment i was so scared but the day b4 his special day i went and sat with him and talked for ages to him.

Kiwitk - You sound allot more positive today. You will never ever get over loosing your wee princess but when you look at your son you will see her in him. I would do anything to have Daniel here i would even die to give him life but he lives in my heart everyday. Why don't you make sure your hospital gives your steroid injections at 23+5 and 23+6 just Incas the wee man decides he is so desperate to meet his mummy and daddy b4 he is fully cooked.


Think my wee princess Aimee may have a urine infection but today temp is finally down but god she is a wee moan and i have sore throat so she is getting the blame for that. Having a lazy day and doing nothing so will probably get dirty looks when her dad comes in but thats another story 

Denise
xx