* Author Topic: A New Chat Thread for Twin Mummies bringing up lone twins  (Read 61097 times)

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Offline dreamer100

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Hi All, So glad we have this special place to all get to chat

Hi Hugs,
Sophie is doing great 7 months old now and 11lb ish, she is very demanding not sure if this is a prem thing !!!! but its difficult to get me time so having to get her nans to help so I can have time out .

Glad to hear Aimee is progressing,  have been reading your posts and you had had a tough time recently too, you just keep finding your strength as you should be proud of yourself.  ^hugme^

I am so sorry to hear of you situation, everyday is a new day and your little boy will grow stronger every day, he will have his very own guardian angel looking out for him. I am having Sophie's christening on Saturday at our local church I will say a pray for all of you  ^pray^

 When Sophie & Millie were born they were so tiny 1lb 6oz  & 1lb 3oz and I didnt want any vistors to see them I just wanted to protect them as it was the only thing I could do, I still wash my hands all the time without relising, it becomes a ritual.  Its just a natural instinct I suppose.


I think its really important to grieve for your twin and do something special to remember her by, maybe light a candle. You will always be a twin mummy .  ^hugme^



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    Offline Hugs

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    Hi all,

    I asked to see the little girl too as we didn't get to see her when they broke the news last week.  She looked so tiny and peaceful, just lying there quietly, really glad I got to see her.

    Daniel is one of 3 names we are trying to decide on for our surviving twin too :)

    I think it's natural to be a little overprotective of your babies - if our little guy fights through and makes it the relatives will be lucky to get anywhere near him for a few months much less have to wash their hands!  I'll be a nightmare overprotective mother, but I think they are just such a miracle at that stage your protective instinct would just go into overdrive....

    Have you had thoughts on how or when you would tell the other that they were one of a twin?  I'm wondering as our twin will never have been officially born (death before 24 weeks if not delivered doesn't count apparently), should I even tell him?  Not sure what to do in that situation.  At birthdays do you celebrate both or would that make the day less special for the survivor and something to take the shine off the day - so many questions.....

    Enjoy your gorgeous babies xx


    I'm so glad you got to see your wee princess. When i had my last scan where we were told Daniel was already an angel i never looked at the screen and i regret that everyday, Also when Daniel was born i didn't want to see him i it kills me every day that he never felt mummies hugs  :'( :'( At the time i was too scared to see him my his daddy saw him and said he was just perfect but so tiny as he was only 315grams god i hate myself for not seeing him, We had Daniel cremated and i have his ashes next to me all the time and i talk to him and i guess thats my way of dealing with it but i hate myself.

    I know what you mean about not being considered a birth if born before 24 weeks well that is so wrong cause Daniel was 100% fully formed and perfect just too small inside to survive but to make matters worse on the paperwork the hospital gave me away they put "spontaneous ABORTION" of twin one and "live birth" of twin two now I'm sure you will all understand why I'm so upset and hurt with those harsh words. How dare they use that word abortion. I did not ask to loose him.

    Aimee knows about her big brother as i tell her that he is watching her every second. When she is old enough i will tell her what happened and when people ask if she is my only one i say well "Aimee is is twin but i lost her brother" He is here with us all the time the same as your wee princess is too. As my twins were born 25 days apart i guess it makes birthdays easier in a way as Daniel has his day and Aimee has hers but on there due date  its about both of them. I still get Daniel a Xmas and birthday card and will do till the day i die. He is my special wee man.

    The situation your in is just so hard and you will have hard days to come but you just do whats right for you, i.e seeing her at birth, funeral etc

    We also gave Aimee Daniels middle name so she is "Aimee Danielle" and that way he is special in his own way to her.

    Dreamer- your wee lady is a chunky monkey then ?  ;D Thats a great weight and really she is only 3 months corrected. Aimee was 21lbs at her last weigh in ages ago but god she is so heavy to hold. How is your lo doing development wise ? Aimee seems to be doing great but i always said as long as her heart beats thats all that i care about.

    Well Aimee is lying her naked as she has a temp which doc thinks is a urine infection so waiting on a pee so i can get it tested but god that will be fun.

    Love to all

    Offline AggieJ

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    Hiya all

    Just wanted to pass on some special  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^. Want to write properly but I've completely run out of time this evening - faffing!  ::) Got some work to do after dinner so better get a move on I guess.

    Will try tomorrow  ^hugme^

    Love Kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Offline AggieJ

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    Morning. Have some precious time before my boys wake up...
    We have masses of snow this morning but I know our school won't close (I'm a teacher), it didn't earlier in the week and then all the papers have made such a fuss about it all!  :)

    Kiwi - hope you know I'm thinking about you loads at the moment and praying for your beautiful little boy to stay safe and healthy. I know his precious sister will look after him... I used to tell myself that Eddie had come on the journey to keep his brother safe, and that he carries on looking after him. I know other mummies feel the same about their little ones. So sorry you had a scare with possible leakage and that your scan was reassuring. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^. Good that you phoned Tamba as having a befriender will help you in the months ahead  ^hugme^

    Michelle - sorry you're feeling so isolated. I know exactly what you mean... it's an unusual and heartbreaking situation and I learnt early on that the majority of people are at a loss to know what to do and say. We can't cope with death at all in this country, particularly of an infant or child. It makes me so frustrated as most people don't have to go through it themselves. I used to get so offended when people said nothing  :(. Counselling will help as it's great to have some time for you  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ So great that Sophie is piling on the weight, she sounds like she's doing amazingly.

    Emma - hello and sorry I've been so hopeless at keeping in touch  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^. It's so hard when our little ones are ill, I know exactly what you mean... Must be so much harder when your babies have been so premature, and you've seen them looking so tiny and vulnerable. At 34 weeks, Jacob was like a spider monkey, was on CPAP and I couldn't hold him for 2 days but he was a stonker compared with most of the babies in SCBU!  :) I still found that the problems caused by his prematurity made his care more difficult... he had bad reflux and a hernia to start with. Everything you say about your fears surrounding Nathan sounds so normal to me  ^hugme^

    Denise - I can't believe that the hospital put that on your records  :'(. That's just so terrible  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ What you say about being scared of seeing and holding Daniel made me cry... I too have so much guilt around not being there for Eddie at the end. I was in so much shock that I couldn't hold him (DH did instead) and could only stay a short while after the machine was switched off. It upsets me now as I feel that I should have been there as his Mummy. However, I think when we've severely traumatised and in shock we can only do what we can do. Our boys know that we love them with all our hearts... even after over a year, Eddie creeps into my thoughts so frequently.

    Right, I can hear stirring from next door. Think I'll be greeted by one very grumpy boy as he's working on 4 molars simultaneously. That's got to hurt!!

    Much love

    Kate xxxxxxxx

    Offline kiwitk

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    hi everyone,

    Hearing that your wee miracles are all continuing to thrive gives me so much hope :)  My little guy continues to battle on and seems to be VERY active!  If all this flip-flopping is any indication of personality I'd say he's going to be quite the handful :)

    I think events of the past week caught up with me this morning, stayed in bed sleeping until 11am!  Cant remember the last time I slept in that long.  Slowly each day brings a few less tears and a bit more hope, Like Budgie I still lie awake at night wondering if it was something that I did wrong to cause this - analysing every meal I've eaten, every action to see if I could have prevented this - but I think really that way madness lies :)  Aggie I like your thought that Eddie came on the journey to keep his twin safe, I read someone else say as well that God decided that their little one was just too special for this world and had to be brought home.  I think that we need to allow ourselves to believe that it was natures way of preventing a child who would find life a painful struggle being born, otherwise it's just too much.  I can remember the doctor saying to me 'you still have a baby boy to be excited for' only just after we'd found out; I blurted 'But i dont feel excited - I'm their Mummy I was meant to be looking after them!!!'.   

    I've decided to start a scrapbook/photo album for our wee one, with photos of DH and me during pregnancy, and paper clippings of what was happening in the world whilst he was waiting to meet it, there's such a lot going on in the world this year that it should make interesting reading for him on his 18th or 21st birthday, and in some small way I hope it will show him that life continued after the death of his sister and we were still looking forward with hope to his arrival, and that he was in no way second best....

    Denise that's so horrible that they put that on your records it must have broken your heart all over again when you saw that, now that I know that's a possibility I'm going to ask if it can record something less graphic for my wee one.  It sounds like Aimee is doing really well, it must be a joy every day to see her milestones, it's only 2 more weeks until my guy reaches 24 weeks so it's good to know that if he comes that early theres a chance for him :)

    Budgie I'm going to try my best to hold my wee one when she comes, although if we make it through to almost term theres a good chance that she'll just be a remanant so I'm not sure how I feel about that - I guess I'll know what feels right when the time comes, I at least unlike some of you wont be having to deal with the shock and grief in that moment as we'll have had time to prepare, I'm so glad you got to hold Daniel and kiss him goodbye.  Dont beat yourself up about delaying in those circumstances I would have done the same thing as at least they could have been together if the worst happened, and in th end we just have to do what feels right to us as their parents.  I really feel for you with the whole preschool thing, I know it's really hard for mums to drop their babies at preschool for the first time under normal circumstances, it must be so much more difficult in this situation, when he is so unbelievably precious.  The difficult thing is I'm sure that no one would understand who hasnt been through the same thing, everyone naturally believes their child to be precious, but having lost one so early and fighting with and for the survivor for so long makes them even more so...  I'm glad he's doing well :)

    Dreamer I hope this weather improves for Sophies christening on the weekend - I'm sure the sun must be shining on such a special day :)  have you had any more thoughts on the counselling yet?  It may really help to have someone to talk to from the TAMBA bereavement service if you are finding things tough...

    Love to everyone, keep strong xx

    Offline Hugs

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    Dreamer100 - u OK hunnie ?

    Anggie - I hate the hospital for putting that nasty word on my records and to this day it haunts me.

    Budgie - With regards to Daniels funeral we lost out Daniel on Aug 23rd and did not have his funeral until 26th of November and like you i feel so bad we took so long but the ITU where Aimee was gave us no hope and even offered me a termination after i delivered Daniel  ^bigbad^ but she proved them all wrong but i guess if Aimee was not to have a chance of life we wanted them to be together.Like i say i will always regret not holding him but at that moment i was so scared but the day b4 his special day i went and sat with him and talked for ages to him.

    Kiwitk - You sound allot more positive today. You will never ever get over loosing your wee princess but when you look at your son you will see her in him. I would do anything to have Daniel here i would even die to give him life but he lives in my heart everyday. Why don't you make sure your hospital gives your steroid injections at 23+5 and 23+6 just Incas the wee man decides he is so desperate to meet his mummy and daddy b4 he is fully cooked.

    Think my wee princess Aimee may have a urine infection but today temp is finally down but god she is a wee moan and i have sore throat so she is getting the blame for that. Having a lazy day and doing nothing so will probably get dirty looks when her dad comes in but thats another story  ???



    Offline kitty123

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    Thank you Denise for putting me on to this thread. I did see it but wasn't sure if I should post as I was thinking that it was for twin Mummies. I found every story so touching and think this thread will really help me. My story is below.

    My little ones were conceived using donor sperm as my dh is infertile. An early scan showed 2 sacs and what looked like 2 heartbeats. We were scared but delighted when our 12 week scan showed triplets. We had scans every other week and, although, Ted was a little small and his water was slightly reduced, all seemed well. I was pretty tired and ill but nothing prepared me for waking up in the middle of the night and feeling a leak at 26+3. I knew straight away that my waters had broken. Dh took me into hospital but I don't think he realised how bad a situation it was. A scan showed 3 lovely heartbeats and trip 1 (kitty) in reduced water but moving around. We were told that the babies were likely to come in the next 24 hours and that they would have a 40% chance of survival. The doctor spoke to us about what we would want to do should they have trouble resusitating babies once they were born bearing in mind he effects oxygen starvation could have. Laying on a bed in the delivery suite I cried and cried.

    24 hours came and went, although I had contractions and continued to leak fluid, nothing happened and I was put onto a ward. I held on for another 12 days leaking fluid, each day the midwifes found 3 lovely heartbeats.

    I woke up at midnight in a lot of pain and I was hooked up to a machine that traced those 3 lovely heartbeats for 6 hours. At 4 am my cervix was closed but I was still contracting every few minutes. Although no one said it i knew the babies were coming at 28+1 and finally rang my dh. The next few hours were a haze. Suddenly I was 5 cm dilated and rushed into theatre for a c section where around 20 doctors and nurses were ready.

    I saw the first baby being passed to a team behind me. Now I know this was Ted and it is the only time I saw him born and alive. Dh could hear that something was wrong and a doctor came over to tell us that 2 babies were fine but they were having difficulty with the smallest and we needed to make a decision. I just said 'Ted' and my Dh went green and fainted. I am ashamed of what happened next. I simply turned my head away. I could hear the staff rousing my dh, I could hear the doctor saying that a decision needed to be made. After a few minutes the doctor came round to see me and asked for a decision. I said, "Let him go." She asked if I wanted to see Ted, I said, "No. later" but she brought him over anyway and I will always be grateful to her. We kissed him and said goodbye. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold Ted and I said. "No. later". Well, later never came and I feel so bad that I didn't cuddle my little boy.

    I've just re-read my post through some major tears. I think it's best if I skip to the end! Kitty and Laurie came home on 2/01/09 after 3 months in NICU. It is a relief to see reference on this thread to some of the words and phrases, like CPAP and being home on O2, that became our life for those 3 months. The early days with Kitty were touch and go, and I was convinced she would die too - she was 7lb 7oz a week ago (was 2lb 9oz) and although on O2 she looks as though she'll be off in the next few weeks. We had Ted's funeral 2 weeks after he was born and I thought that it was only the beginning.

    I am typing one handed whilst holding Laurie who we think was Ted's identical twin. Laurie was 7lb 10 oz at the last weigh in - he was 2lb 4oz at birth. Both are hard work but gorgeous. They are 5 weeks corrected, holding their heads up on their own, grabbing things, looking around and really active. I just can't wait until I see them smile.

    I'm not sure what I will tell K and L. They will know about Ted but will it be too much for Laurie to know that they may have been identical? Luckily we have plenty of time to decide but I would be interested on the thoughts of others.

     ^hugme^ ^hugme^ to all.


    Offline AggieJ

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    Masses of  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ for you sweetheart. Your story is completely heart breaking and I'm so so sorry that you lost your goregeous Ted (lovely name!)
    Of course you belong here, it may be that the name of the thread needs to be changed? Like all us Mummies you have lost one of your very wanted children who was a multiple. I really really feel for you as your situation is that bit more unusual (in that triplets are rarer than twins), really hope that you have support around you as I can't imagine how hard things must be for you caring for your surviving triplets whilst grieving  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^
    It's so hard isn't it? wondering what to tell our surviving children? I worry that I'll get the "balance" right... guess I will follow Jacob's lead at the start. Am sure when the time comes you'll know what to do. I think we'll always worry though  ^hugme^

    Please keep in touch hun

    Kate xxx

    Offline Welshkez

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    Hi everyone

    Just thought I would pop in and say hi to everyone.

    I have had some lovely messages of support from some wonderful people on here even though I am just a 'Nanny'..

    Our story is as follows ...

    My daughter gave birth to Euan and Imogen on September 5th 08 at 25 + 4 weeks.  Euan was 1lb 7oz and Imogen 1lb 5oz.  Sadly we lost Imogen to NEC when she was just 8 days old, she became an angel on September 13th - the day before my 50th birthday.  She went to sleep in her Mummy's arms and it was the first time that my daughter had been able to hold her.

    Euan came home on December 30th 08 after almost 4 months in SBCU.  He is doing so well - currently 7lb 12oz and growing at an amazing rate.  He still has a few small problems in as much as he has ROP which isn't regressing as quick as they would like and also what us 'oldies' call Glue Ear which they will continue to monitor as he grows.

    I understand all too well what some of you on this thread are going through and my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

    We had Imogen's funeral on September 17th but my daughter still holds on to her ashes - I understand why and I know that when they are ready they will take her somewhere special to all of them.  Dont feel bad about taking your time over funeral arrangements - the right time will become apparent when its right.

    Euan has a picture of Imogen in his cot with him and has always had her with him even in SCBU.  Their nursery holds pictures of both of them and also gifts that Imogen had when she was born.  She is part of us and the other half of Euan and will always remain so.  She will keep him safe and look over him all of his life and he will always know her as his sister.

    The loss of a child is always hard on all of the family but especially so when they are a mulitple as even when you are feeling very low you have to keep going for your surviving children.

    I remember someone telling me when I had my daughter that I should never forget that children are only lent to us and even if its only for a short time to cherish that time.

    Love to all of you

    Kez xxx

    Offline kiwitk

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    Hi Everyone,

    Just rang the hospital and the test results show no sign of infection which is great news as it means both sets of waters should still be intact.  He continues to be active and kick away although he was very quiet this morning so I couldnt stand it and had to get the doppler out just to make sure the heartbeat was still there and it was still going strong :) 

    Tried to leave the house again today as I was worried that I'll develop agoraphobia if I'm not careful - havent left the house since they gave us the news last wednesday except to go to the hospital.  It's the second day I've tried and chickened out.  Only made it 3 steps yesterday, today I made it 6 steps, but felt my feet slipping on the snow on step 3, and then again as I stepped down onto the first stair of the decking and that was it for me - panicked and went back into the house.  Somehow I feel that he'll be safe if I just stay indoors, mad I know.  Fortunately I have a great hubby who despite working a full day stopped at the supermarket on the way home to restock and even then cooked dinner when he finally made it home.

    Hearing everyones stories and reading others on the internet I've come to realise how incredibly lucky I am that the death of his sister at such a late stage didn't trigger the birth of them both, and that he is able to stay in there to keep growing.  Long may it continue.  So hopefully the doppler scan will go well next wed and show that he's growing and getting good nourishment.

    How sad it is that there are so many Twin Mummies mourning the loss of a child, but nice that there is a place where we can share information and experiences..  Budgie if you decide to have a party for Nathan let me know, I have some left over stock from a little shop I used to have and have some gorgeous fabric bunting for birthday parties, I'd be thrilled to send you some if you'd like :)

    Welcome Kez - It would be great to get any advice from you on how I could best support my parents, they are on the other side of the world and these twins were to be their first grandchildren, I know they are in great pain too but trying so hard to be strong for me.

    Lisa welcome - your story broke my heart, but I'm so glad your two are doing well, Ted will always be with you and your girls as a guardian angel.  I'm struggling with what to tell our little boy (if we are lucky enough for him to make it) about his sister too, I think in the end we'll have to tell him about her as I want to always have her existence acknowledged in our lives even though she never got to draw breath.

    Denise I'm going to ask about steriod injections when we are in for the scan next week and see what they say :)

    It's snowing here again today - hope you all have a lovely weekend.

    Tris xx