* Author Topic: ICSI #1 Stopped, moving on to ICSI #2  (Read 3190 times)

0 Members

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
ICSI #1 Stopped, moving on to ICSI #2
« on: 25/03/11, 21:36 »
Ok so here goes

When I was growing up I knew I wanted to be a mum, I got married young wanted 2 kids by the time I was 21, after years of ttc at 24 we split up. He then got his next girlfriend pregnant within months, this then made me think for years that i may have fertility issues........I then found my DP, and after 18 months of trying my doctor agreed to test early for the above reason.

My DP's results came back with low sperm count, motility, abnormalities and 100% Morphology, i received all my results which to my surprise came back all clear, we were then referred to BCRM, after several appointments and more tests we were told ICSI will be our only hope.

6 months and probably a dozen pregnancy tests later here I am, even thou I was told ICSI is our only hope, every time my dreaded ^witch^ is late i can't help but test even thou each time I know it will be a  ^BFN^

I am now on day 7 of D/R of my first ICSI cycle, i am feeling a bit tired, but so far for side effects I think thats it, emotionally thats a different story and that is the main reason I have started this diary. I found this site about a month ago and although there are amazing stories and heart breaking ones it makes me feel like i am not so alone and gives me hope. It is comforting to know that other people understand what I'm going thou, also i want to be able to help other people from my experience.

ATM most of my friends have babies, my best friend has just told me she is starting to try and a friend recently told me she was pregnant although pleased for her i then get a pang of jealousy, then i feel guilty that i was jealous, my poor partner seems to get the brunt of how I'm feeling if someone say something upsetting i seem to take it out on him even thou i don't mean to, then i get annoyed at him because he doesn't feel as emotional or worried as i am ...but as my sister keeps telling me he is a man he's not going to understand. He does open up a lot more now than he used to.

The only people than know we are going through this is our parents, my sister and my best friend. Oh and I recently told my boss so that i can have some time off around ET & EC.

Anyway I think I have probably gone on for enough tonight

wishing anyone reading this lots of ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^

xxx



Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #1 on: 28/03/11, 20:52 »
11 days into D/R

Today was a bit rubbish, I work in finance so this is our busiest time of the whole year. I could feel my self getting quite stressed and there was nothing I can do about it, I think it is frowned upon that I am not working late like last year but I just can't do it. I'm so tired and drained all the time atm.

I feel like I need a good cry but have no one to breakdown to, really don't want to do it on DP as he will just feel so guilty and think this is all down to him. But I'm finding i am fight back the tears constantly and that I am like a volcano that eventually we just erupt!

After years of not wanting my AF to come, I am now checking all the time as I need it to be here by Wednesday and it should be here by now. I have an appointment at clinic Thursday morning and have to of got AF by then or i have to call and cancel ........ never thought i would say this but please arrive in time.

I am looking forward to this weekend as me and DP are going camping just the two of us ...plan is no phones nothing just quality time together walking & chilling and i found last year when we went away it was stress free i thought i would hate it but you switch off from everything. The weekend after thou I'm not looking forward to as a close friend is leaving the company I work for and I will have to make more excuses up about why I will be driving and not drinking. I've been trying to avoid socialising a bit as you have to constantly make excuses. I have already had the question am i pregnant!

Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully AF will arrive and work will be a bit better  :)

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #2 on: 29/03/11, 21:19 »
I was hoping for a good day today, work was crap again I have a new manager so my old manager said i would need to re explain my situation to him in order to have the time off. I tried to approach him today but he just started to say in front of everyone that i cannot be treated differently to other people etc so he was not willing to talk about me wanting 'special treatment' ....... i felt myself about to cry, i know he was just having a bad day and maybe even joking but it's like i have no control over my emotions atm. I've decided i am not going to approach him again as far as i am concerned it has already been approved and if he now wants to know why then he will need to approach me, my last manager was very discreet and understanding about it all

I then met my friend at the mall, but the conversation quickly turned to her trying for a baby for 2 months now and how she thinks she could be pregnant and i so selfishly was thinking this is not fair. To which i then came home and broke down in tears to DP who didn't really know what to do with himself. He has now gone to the pub (but will only have 1 pint) so I thought i would try and de stress on my diary lol

AF has still not arrived I only have tomorrow left, otherwise I will have to call clinic and cancel  :(

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #3 on: 31/03/11, 09:46 »
Yesterday was a really good day, work was not to bad, bought a few bits for camping this weekend at lunch time. On the evening my Auntie & Uncle who I don't see that much of came for tea and it was lovely! ;D

Went to bed and new AF was on the way ...... this morning AF had arrived went to the clinic to be told there was no record on by appointment, this is the second time the clinic have given us an appointment moved it and then had no record of the new appointment. Eventually after a few questions etc they arranged for my blood to be taken but as I went with the nurse who said 'was i feeling ok as i did not look good' i then burst in to tears on this poor woman ....jees what is wrong with me crying all the time  ^idiot^

She was lovely thou and said all the side effects i have are normal, which i knew but i just have no control of it, i felt chuffed an hour earlier as i had a lovely evening before and had got my AF so all was going as planned. I asked a few more questions like where to do the injections next Friday. I called DP as i felt really bad about crying infront of the nurse but DP said it probably happens all the time.

Anyway i thought i would write this as i came home to have a cup of tea and let my face settle before going to work.

xx

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #4 on: 4/04/11, 20:36 »
Day 18 D/R

We had a lovely weekend away in our camper, did some chilling, walking & took my Zita West book away (have ordered another book that should be here at the end of the week) wish i had read this book earlier it has so much information in it. I know you can't follow everything but a good chunk helps.

We had a good talk and as we both know that all my worries are down to 'what if it doesn't happen' we are going to try and be positive and think it will happen and if it doesn't then we will deal with that bombshell at that time. So whenever all those worries come in my head i think 'but no need to worry as that won't happen'. I know I'm kidding myself as i know it's more or less 50/50 (a toss of a coin) but if what i need is no stress at the moment then so be it i think that will help i have to give it a go. If it will work or not only time will tell .......it's lasted ok for 1 day lol! hopefully get all my stresses out on here so they are out of my head.

Not only did i have a good weekend but today was a good day at work, finally told my new boss who although was not to happy about me having time off soon, has basically agreed to honor what my previous boss has approved.

Went to my mum's for tea and had a nice healthy salad, need to get back on track with drinking. Didn't drink as much as i should of the last few days and i am still peeing all the time and when camping it's so annoying doing that so i didn't drink as much!

I can't wait till Friday not only does it mean another weekend but it means more drugs! I must be crazy wanting more drugs but to me more drugs means another step closer to the end result (hopefully)

xx



Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #5 on: 6/04/11, 19:14 »
Another day done......which means another day closer to my goal

I'm feeling extremely bloated now, decided i need to buy a cheap pair of trousers in the next size up. I have always said i would not go out and buy the next size up for that last 2 years but i think i need to as i now feel uncomfortable where i am so bloated.

The last few days since i have been trying to be positive and tell myself it will all work i do feel so much better. there is a but......

But I am quite shocked that the one person (my best friend) that i thought would be there and support me and talk me through it all is actually not supporting me at all .....other lovely ladies on here are being more supportive and friendly atm. The way my friend is has come as quite a shock. It is almost like it is not happening.

Anyway as i am trying to be positive my DP is cooking me a lovely meal as i write this ...bless him he has been amazing lately. He may not talk about it much or research anything but i know he cares because when i am really upset he cries with me.

Plus the last week he has come home with tiny gifts like my favourite magazine or a bunch of flowers and for him that is huge.

It's the tiny things in life that matter and mean a lot

xx


Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #6 on: 10/04/11, 22:47 »
Day 3 Stimms!

Friday was our first jab night, we decided DP would do the jab as it makes him more involved, i had plans to go out that night that i had made over a month before and could not change, due to this it was a bit rushed and ended up being abit stressful ..... but that was 100% my fault, i was stressing as DP was not 'following the dvd' and by me stressing it made him stress which made me stress more  ^idiot^ ^idiot^ ^idiot^ Anyway we have now done three and they have been fine I'm worrying more over the fact of making sure we have every bit of medicine possible than the actual needle lol!

Today we were going to Portishead for a three course meal that DP's parents had bought us for Christmas, but i was a bit cranky today and as i was getting ready i found DP in the other room all upset on the bed ....he really got emotional, opened up about how this is affecting him, all his worries and how he worries about me, us and this whole thing not working. We both then had a really BIG good  :'( and big  ^Cuddle^

This whole situation has affected us as a couple the last few weeks as our whole relationship revolves around this treatment, you are constantly thinking about everything, what your eating, drinking, how long till my next medicating plus all the little lies you are telling other people. It will all be worth it if it works ....but i can see how a few failed attempts at this could ruin a relationship because for me if we didn't have that cry and talk we wouldn't open up to each other which makes everything seem worse.

I have been reading Zita West's book, took me a while to get into it but now i have got to the IVF/ICSI section and i understand the drugs i am on now which makes me feel a lot better about it.

Anyway off to bed now  :)

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #7 on: 13/04/11, 11:18 »
Day 6 Stimms

Have my 6th jab later and it's almost like routine now like the nasal spray, apart from the headaches physically  i feel a bit better.

I'm finding work is a huge stress at the moment due to the fact i have holiday booked from 21st to May 3rd, my boss has said that i have to do the whole months work by 21st, i have Friday as holiday as i have my scan. which leaves me less than a week ...impossible. As yesterday went on my boss got more frustrated with my situation and the fact that it looks like everything will not be done. I got quite upset in my car and a few phone calls to poor DP helped lol!

Anyway today i have rang in sick as my head is banging and i just think i need some time away from it all, i know that means more work when i go back but i am hoping to be in a frame of mind of 'what doesn't get done will have to wait' and at least i don't feel stressed at the moment as i was stressing yesterday that i was stressing  ^idiot^

I have been making a list of questions today for Friday (scan date) and i just really hope i get some insight into how it's going, everyone on this site understands it's the not knowing that is the worst.

Really want to try and drink lots today, where i have been so busy in work i forget to drink i only stop when my vibrating silent alarm goes off for my nasal spray.

Off to have a lovely bath, and might paint my nails later  ;D

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #8 on: 15/04/11, 14:06 »
1st Scan today

This morning we had our 1st scan, i asked the nurse how many follies she would hope to see at this point, she said everyone is different etc but would like to see between 4-8 at this point so hopefully 10-15 by EC.

We then had the scan left side 14, right side 12 she turned the monitor so we could see and i was thinking thats amazing, way more than expected, but then saw her face and thought thats too many .....26 follies!!!!

We then sat down and she gave a leaflet on OHSS, stating  that i have this leaflet because i am at risk of serious complication to cycle and pregnancy, possibly canceling treatment. I came away so shocked that i didn't really get chance to ask anything, they took blood and will call me today and let me know blood result if really bad i will have to go back over weekend  ^idiot^ i didn't even ask why? to cancel? to change drugs? ^idiot^ ^idiot^ ^idiot^

If blood is not to bad i will carry on and go back Monday for a further scan.

So at the moment i am just waiting for hospital to call me with results ...hopefully all good and stick to plan of scan Monday  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^

Offline Boothy

  • Full Member
  • ***
modify
Re: My ICSI Diary - Learning as I go
« Reply #9 on: 16/04/11, 17:44 »
Day 9 Stimms

Just wanted to say thank you for the PM's.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^

The hospital rang back and said although they are concerned with my blood they are happy to just closely monitor me for now .....I'm taking this as a good as if it was bad i would be back in over the weekend. I also feel a bit more positive from ladies on here   ;D

One of my best friends asked me to meet up, i was a bit annoyed that she had not made any contact over the last few weeks and i mentioned this to her, i then got a very angry message back saying friendship is a two way street so I'm a selfish person to blame her for not texting when a friendship takes two! I have always been the one to make the effort in this friendship and i guess this has now come to light. I said no one was to blame i could of text but i guess with everything going on, this complication and hospital i didn't. She then said how the hell was she to know about my complication if i didn't text, and that she has just as stressful life with work and house hunting but i wouldn't know as i haven't bothered to text her and that she is now angry and upset with me!!!!!  Is it me or would any friend at that point say oh I'm sorry how is it all going, are you ok?....this treatment has really showed me who my real friends are! >:( How hard is it to send one text saying hope all going well .....ok stopping moaning now!

On a positive note spoke to my other friend today we had a nice chat etc, It has really made me appreciated the family and friend that i have told that are supporting me. I think if anything this has bought me and my mum closer together.

Spreading lost of babydust to anyone reading this ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^


 

Free Butterfly PIN

Butterfly Pin

Everyone who donates gets a free discreet butterfly pin.
Many of our members are using these to help spot each other at clinics and group meetups!

* Search



Recent Topics


SimplePortal 2.3.5 © 2008-2012, SimplePortal