* Author Topic: no sibling sperm left. Anyone used different donors to extend their family?  (Read 3332 times)

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Offline spooks

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hi everyone, hoping someone can share some thoughts with me
 :( we have just found out that our donor is no longer active and we have used up all our sibling sperm on our last 2 tx's  :(
I knew this was a possibility but didn't really think it would happen  ^idiot^
me and dh had a chat last night and both decided it was the end of our tx journey and we'd look forward to being a family of 3, however,  dh woke up this morning and said 'i really think we need to have tx again using a new donor'
 ??? :-\  so now I am rather confused about what to do
It's so very difficult - is there anyone on here that has a family using different donors - i know it was commonplace a while ago  - i just feel so confused. I had a false sense of security using the original donor as i know he produces beautiful, intelligent, text book babies  ;D  - baby spooks is an absolute dream and just assumed using him again would produce the same.
Now i'm worried that a new donor's baby (have bypassed the tx and gone straight to pregnancy in my mind  ;D ^idiot^ )  may be not so good and i wouldn't love it the same and would compare it to baby spooks all the time. I was so comfortable using the original donor during my last 2 tx's that i didn't worry about anything at all, now i feel like i did when we first started our fertility journey :-\   I can't have my husband's baby or our chosen donor's baby.
I'm concerned about the implications that having different donors may have on baby spooks and future children. Everything seems to have got very complicated again. Dh seems quite blase about it all, i just feel (for some unknown reason) that a baby by a different donor would seem like an outsider to our family unit.
We are very happy as a family of 3 although if sibling sperm was available I'd want to keep trying for another baby for as long as possible. I look at baby spooks and don't think it's fair on her to use a different donor but can't understand why I feel like this.   
Any thoughts on using different donors would be gratefully appreciated.

 love to all, from a very confused spooks  ^hugme^


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    Offline drownedgirl

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    I think your feelings are akin to those with a genetic child looking at donation for a second

    Having one dc child I think you hVe sort of internalised the donor into your family and now you feel back at the stArt somehow?

    I fall into the first category but it isn't a problem at all , I don't think of the different genetics at all And sometimes need to remind myself

    Offline olivia m

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    Hi Spooks
    I think DG is right and you may need to mourn not being able to use same donor before moving on.  However, we have plenty of families in DC Network where they have children by different donors, including my own.  Also, you should take into account that families where the genetics are consistent also have very different children.  You absolutely could not guarantee another child in the same mould as you first one even if the same donor was available.
    We have no evidence in DCN that having different donors makes any difference to the children at all.  If they grow up together they are siblings.  Even the term half-sibling doesn't make any sense to them.
    Take your time...if you would like your family to be bigger and give your child a sib, then using a different donor could be a really happy way to do it.

    Offline Baby Blue

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    Have you considered advertising somewhere perhaps at the sperm bank where you purchased the sperm from or on a donor sibling registry in the UK/US to see if there are any families out there who have conceived with the same donor and who have completed treatment and still have some vials left over.
    I have spare vials from a very good donor, currently contemplating what to do with them, and I am aware that someone out there may well be in a situation like yours.
    Its a long shot but I wouldn't give up just yet ...
    Baby Blue  :)

    Offline hopingagain

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    I had my son using ds 6 years ago and am currently 10 weeks pregnant with my second child from a different donor as our previous donor was unavailable also! It does not bother me that we have had to use different donors as both babies will be mine and dh's! I have friends who have more than one hold naturally and are completely different even to the colour of their hair and eyes. However we did match both our donors by looks eye colour hair colour and get as close a match as possible.

    You need to take some time to mourn as others have said but if you want a chat then please feel free to im me xx best of luck for any future treatment you may decide to have xx

    Offline wolla

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    We have a 4.5 yr old son conceived with DS - when he was only 6 months old I enquired about sibling sperm only to be told that there wasn't any left.  We were upset at the time, but didn't think we'd ever have the finances to fund tx for another anyway and this seemed like fate telling us that we were only ever going to be a family of 3.

    We then came into some money, and decided to go for it - and to be honest,  the issue of using a different donor hasn't really been an issue - we've just got a BFP, and I'm just excited at DS finally getting his much wanted sibling.

    good luck with whatever you decide


    Offline spooks

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    thank you so much for your replies everyone   ^hugme^
    olivia -

    I think DG is right
    she's always right  ;D  I've  read a lot of DG's posts in the past and she makes so much sense
    Baby blue - I have contacted the LWC and they are looking into locating some sibling sperm, even if it's just the one vial, but have said it's highly unlikely - thanks for the suggestion   ^hugme^
    I came across Lee Wrays old posts (someone else who's always right  ^bow^   ) when he was facing a similar situation and he has summed up exactly how I feel. Especially when he says
    I suppose that rather than losing a fictional face from my mind, I feel that I am losing my sons face. That is very tough.

    here's the link if anyone's reading and finding themselves in the same situation
    My confusion stems more from the fact that we have to take another unexpected path yet again. After accepting plan B we now have to face plan C and it's the fear of the unknown.
    Also it's almost the due date of the baby I lost (using our original donor) so there's lots of complex emotions attached to not being able to use him again.
    I know if I work through things one step at a time everything will be okay.
    I'm still not certain if we will extend our family but as some of you have said it will take time and I need to mourn not using the same donor.
    Huge congrats and thanks to wolla and hoping again  ^congrats^
     ^hugme^  thanks to olivia and DG   ^hugme^
     your replies have really helped  :-*  love spooks

    Offline margesimpson

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    Hiya Spooks,

    Reading your post and back on LW's post - the words really hit home. It does seem like having to go through the diagnosis all over again. I'm afraid I've nothing wise to add - there's a lot of wise replies already though. I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you  ^hugme^

    Offline drownedgirl

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    Oh spooks, thank you! That has made my day

    Very best of luck to you

    I love the quote about the face being your son's face

    I felt a little possessive when my friend / donor once toyed with the idea of donating through a clinic

    Our children weren't yet born but I felt that somehow she might be giving away their half siblings ! Bit irrational and selfish after her generosity to us but stemming from the place you are , I think

    We saw her today ... And her children, genetic half siblings of my children
    Her husband, father to the genetic half siblings of my children

    It's such new and complex territory

    I  sure you will find your way through, but it's not something you have ever really planned for, is it? You don't know WHAT to feel

    Offline spooks

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    You don't know WHAT to feel
      you're right again  ;D 
    I keep thinking Dh and I are just an ordinary couple making a family in an extraordinary (if not a little bizarre) way and we never imagined all this would happen to us.
    But it really helps knowing other people are going through similiar things.
    I understand where you're coming from when your friend was considering donating to a clinic - it's like your world is getting a big too big.
    I was hoping to donate eggs to my friend but with our tx plans still uncertain and my old age it is probably impossible now. But it's strange because I had no second thoughts about that and it seems very straightforward in my mind. (also I read your post on epigenetics which helped).
    (you also did a very helpful post on whether to let babies self settle to sleep or not but that is completely off the subject of this thread  ;D )       
    marge  ^hugme^ thanks -  Lee Wray sums up my feelings very well (much better than I can  :) )
    I wake up in the night and am so certain that we'll stop tx, then i wake up in the morning and have doubts if that's what I really want to do then I chat to Dh and he's so clear in his mind about using a new donor I get all mixed up again.  ::)
    I am coming round to it all and DH's way of thinking so watch this space, I'll keep you posted.
    thanks again everyone    :-*  love spooks  :-*