* Author Topic: Can't believe this is happenning and I am even asking this question!  (Read 3874 times)

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Offline Han2275

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I am 25 weeks pregnant and heart broken to find that DP and I are slowly falling apart  :'(. I amdepressed and anxious and we are making each other so unhappy! We moved to Ireland just over a year ago and I am finding it very hard to settle and we have drifted apart. If the worst does happen we both want to try and stay amicable for the children and share our parenting like we always have done. This obviously means me staying in Ireland which fills me with anxiety as I know I would just want to be back in the UK with my family close by. As much as we say we will always be kind to each other, I am also very aware how thing can get nasty.
 I just wondered where I stood legally with all my children?
DS1 is genetically me and DP is not on the birth certificate.
DS2 is genetically DP and she carried him but I am also on his birth cert.
This baby is genetically DP but I know I am legal mother as I am carrying it.
We had all our treatment through a Uk clinic

I can't believe I am even having to think about this stuff  :'(

Offline ♥JJ1♥

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So sorry that you are going through this but you have been unhappy for a while throughout this pregnancy when you post and it must be so hard for you in a country away from your family. I would ask Natalie ff lawyer as she'll  be able to advise. there are other couples on this thread who have split up in a similar situation take and good luck xxx

Offline Me, Myself and I

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I am 25 weeks pregnant and heart broken to find that DP and I are slowly falling apart  :'(. I amdepressed and anxious and we are making each other so unhappy! We moved to Ireland just over a year ago and I am finding it very hard to settle and we have drifted apart. If the worst does happen we both want to try and stay amicable for the children and share our parenting like we always have done. This obviously means me staying in Ireland which fills me with anxiety as I know I would just want to be back in the UK with my family close by. As much as we say we will always be kind to each other, I am also very aware how thing can get nasty.
 I just wondered where I stood legally with all my children?
DS1 is genetically me and DP is not on the birth certificate.
DS2 is genetically DP and she carried him but I am also on his birth cert.
This baby is genetically DP but I know I am legal mother as I am carrying it.
We had all our treatment through a Uk clinic

I can't believe I am even having to think about this stuff  :'(

Dear Han,
I cannot (and wouldn't) offer any legal advice as I am not a legal bod and that sort f stuff is always best left to the professionals, as they know their stuff and can advise on a case-by-case basis.
What I can do, is say that I truly feel for you. This must be such a difficult time for you, the children and the family as a whole unit.
You mentioned Ireland and your family being in the UK. My only real advice at this stage, if you truly decide it is irreconcilable, that not assuming that you need to remain in Ireland maybe the best approach to take. Travel between the countries is not difficult and in the short-medium term, you probably need to be around a good support network of family/freinds for this huge change in your lives and the arrival of the new baby.
Sometimes, with difficult choices, knowing that there are people around is more comfort than anything, so please don;t assume that you are emotionally ship-wrecked in Ireland, as that doesn't have to be how things are and to result in you all not having opprtunities/access to the children, whatever happens.

Good luck and try not to stress too much.

Offline flipper123

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Han I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear things seem to have got harder for you, I can't offer any legal advice but would agree that talking to the legal adviser on ff would be the best place to start. I really hope that you can work things out xx

Offline kandykane

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wow Han I'm so sorry to hear this - you've given me good, kind, advice several times and I'm really sad to read this is happening to you and your little family  ^hugme^  I can't help from the legal point of view but have you thought of ringing a small solicitors for some initial advice? The one in our village has one evening a week where you can have like a free initial consultation and basic advice, then if you need him to actually *do* anything (write letters etc.) you just pay for that. Might there be a small business like that near you? (or near your family in the UK and you could ring up one day when DP is out?)


Big hugs  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

Offline 2mummies

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Hi Han
I am so sorry that you feel so low that you are now considering these options. Have you and you DP discussed returning to England? Is she not open to this? I would certainly consider you returning to England, particularly if you were to separate, for support in the early months with a newborn. It does not sound like you have the family support where you currently are that is so important in those early months.
I do hope that you can get the information that you need to help you all to move forward. Is this something that you have both discussed? Does your DP know you are feeling this low?


Offline TwoBumps

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Oh gosh, Han, I'm so sorry things are so bad. Again, I'm afraid I can't offer any advice, other than don't assume you must stay in Ireland. You've only been there a year, so whilst it might be your DP's home - it certainly isn't yours and your children's if you don't want it to be! X

Offline BecsW

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Oh Han-I am so sorry to hear how things are and I really hope they improve. If you want to chat pm me and I can call you if you like? I would def ask Nat Gamble her advice so at least you know where you are legally and I would also keep all options open, don't feel that you must live in Ireland, returning to the UK has to be an option that is open to you too. Would DP be open to going to couples counselling to see if a mediator could help? Thinking of all of you xxxx ^hugme^ 

Offline Han2275

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Thank you for all your support ladies, it means so much!

DP and I have certainly not given up but I am just thinking ahead!
We have done a lot of talking over the last couple of days and I have made some massive realisations! I am quite a controlling person and realise I have very much been in control of our relationship for many years, especially since we moved near to all my family and friends 7 years ago. This side of my personality has been very much exacerbated by our move and complete turn over of our family dynamic. I have realised that the more I smother and try to control DP, the more she resents and dislikes me, and I dislike myself. I am working very hard at remembering what I enjoy about life and 'letting go' of DP, and in return she has been a much kinder and loving partner. I am off to England tomorrow for a week with the boys. DP was going to come but we have decided that it would be best for her to stay instead. A bit of time apart and some time for me to just be me. I have lots planned with my sisters and best friends and I just need to work at not constantly wondering if DP is missing me!!
Lots to work at but I am hoping we will both come through this much stronger individuals and a happier couple with our boys and new baby.
Thanks again for all your kind words xx

Offline Han2275

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Hello all,

Well I am very sad to update that I asked DP to leave on wednesday. I got back from a lovely but emotional week with all my family and friends and made every effort to be relaxed and calm when I got home and not rush DP into have big deep and meaningful talks as soon as I was back. DP put the boys to bed and then said she needed to talk. She said she had had the worst week ever and just felt sick with anxiety everytime she thought about us. She said she hadn't missed me and wanted to try staying in the spare room. I basically told her that was a completely pointless thing to do as just having space from each other at night achieved nothing. I told her that if she wanted to see how she felt being apart from me then she had to leave. I think she was very shocked by what I was saying (I was too to be honest!) but she left that night and went to a friends. I was working at 10am the next day so she returned at 8am. We had both had equally awful nights with frequent wake ups with that horrible anxiety that makes you physically shake! We all had breakfast together and then she took boys back to her Mum's with the plan to stay overnight with her as I was working til 9pm. I popped in to see my friend on the way home as couldn't bare the thought of going home to an empty house. Eventually went home about 11pm and then had a call from my big sister. I slept ok but of course woke up at the usual time that DS2 would be in to see us, and I swear I heard his bedroom door. Guess I'm just so used to that noise in the morning. I felt quite strong and relaxed this morning and got up and blow dried my hair and put some make up on. DP dropped DS1 at school and brought DS2 home so I could take him to toddlers as usual. She was very tearful and said she still thinks we can do trial seperation under the same roof and wants to talk about it more next week. I know I have to stay strong on this one! I have said we are not to text each other at all and only to call to discuss stuff like arrangements with the boys. I actually felt a great weight off my shoulders just being myself and not having to think about anything she is doing or constantly looking at my phone for a nice message from her. She was crying that she didn't know what to do with herself all day. I couldn't believe that so many of our issues have been around me being controlling, and now she had a whole day to herself without me having any say in any of it, she still didn't seem to know what she wanted! She came back at 4pm to collect the boys as I am at work tonight, and I made a meal for us all. It was ok but I realise that for some reason I actually feel worse about myself when she is around me. I just don't know why! She is working saturday and sunday night so she is bringing the boys back at 2pm tomorrow after I have had a bit of sleep, and they will be with me all weekend. Thankfully the boys are very used to us not being around at regular times because of our shifts so they don't think anything of the change. It is also not uncommon for them to have days/nights staying with Nanny so thankfully they are oblivious to anything at the moment.
This is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done and I just wish I knew how it will end. I hope more than anything that DP realises what we have to lose and we can work things out. I would also love for her to agree to have some counselling together so we can talk together with an unbiased 3rd party. At the moment we are obviously talking to our own family and friends seperately. I am trying to be strong and I have the most wonderful family supporting me. I am constantly on a rollercoaster of feeling ok about things and then in sheer panic about the future,especially the arrival of this poor innocent baby!
Thank you again for all your support xx

 

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