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Does the baby feel like yours...

6K views 41 replies 25 participants last post by  MissMayhem 
#1 ·
Apologies in advance as am sure this has been asked many times before but: donor eggs, do the babies/children truly feel like they're yours? I don't want to offend anyone at all asking this, just am reeling as was about to do my first private cycle and have been steered quite strongly towards DE. I thought I was open to this but now my choice seems to have been removed I'm devastated. I've just turned 40 & responded poorly to NHS treatment but that seemed to be just a matter of throwing as much stims into my body as possible, which invariably leads to poor response for lots of women my age. Am desperate to try with OE but money is very tight too so am afraid if it doesn't work won't be able to afford donor cycle too. Just know though I will always wonder 'what if' if I don't cycle with my own. Any thoughts appreciated.xx
 
#2 ·
Hi MissMayhem
I can certainly say they do.  I am currently pregnant with DE twins and at 29 weeks one of my babies is dying due to placenta not functioning properly..  Its heartbreaking to know one of my boys is fading away.  You do indeed become attached even before they are born.
Have you considered a Tandem Cycle whereby you do a cycle yourself with donor alongside.  If your own embryos fail to make it to blast you have donor as back up.  Much cheaper abroad and double the success rate of the UK. Tandem can only be done abroad.
Good luck
TCC x
 
#3 ·
Hi miss mayhem

For the first couple of weeks I felt disconnected completely from the pregnancy as I had so much bleeding I was convinced I would miscarry again, it felt like I was carrying an alien. Since the scans started to show a more baby shaped baby and saw him/her move around I couldn't feel more love for the baby I barely even register that it was a donor egg. I feel I had reached the end of the road with my own eggs after several losses 5 failed own egg cycles and a broken heart, I am totally comfortable with my decision, there may have been a golden egg still to find but we were broke and couldn't risk any more heartache and I'm glad we didn't in the end good luck wit your decision xx
 
#4 ·
Hi Miss Mayhem

I have a 19 month DE daughter and never ever think of her as anything else but truly mine.  I don't see how I could love any child more than I do her.  I do feel a bit sad sometimes that I can't look for any physical resemblances to my family but there will be behaviours and mannerisms that are definitely reflections of me.

There is a grieving process to go through though before moving onto DE and I will always wonder about the 5 babies I never got to meet through miscarriage.

You need to take the time to make the right decision for you and not feel too pressured by time etc.  A tandem cycle sounds like it's worth exploring.

Good luck
 
#5 ·
MissMayhem - I know exactly how you feel and it's not a silly question. I think as Moragob has said there is a definite grieving part to the process and letting go of your OE. I went to some pretty dark places and didn't think I'd get to DE but we did-  the need for children outweighed the egg source for me in the end. I literally found out this morning that our first attempt has worked with a BFP. I can honestly say from the minute we had the appointment on egg collection day telling us how many eggs we had that I forgot the donor (in the nicest possible way) and they felt like my eggs and then embryos.

We had our treatment at Institute Bernabeu in Spain who have a very professional set up

Good luck with your decision!
S
 
#6 ·
Hi there


The tandem cycle sounds like a good thing to explore, I agree.


I got to the stage (pretty quickly admittedly) that I couldn't go through any more OE cycles, I wanted the better odds of DE. But I was in a different situation, I already had a child from OE...not sure if that made the decision easier or harder mind you.. ^idiot^


To answer your question though (I can ramble too much!), my DE child feels totally mine, she is totally adorable! I agree with moragob though, I do sometimes get a bit sad that she isn't genetically mine, but I wouldn't want to change a bit of her...it can be a very strange and contrasting feeling! Sometimes I look at her and wonder who is staring back (genetically speaking), but I think I have only looked at the donor pictures twice since she was born, she is now almost 10 months old. I'd rather not have all the DE stuff to deal with, but I wouldn't change my DD, so it is what it is, my DDs are my little miracles!  :)


Take time to think things through. Good luck. X
 
#7 ·
Hi missmayhem,
I am not a religious person at all, i am 18 weeks and totally convinced that god let me finally be mummy and sent me two little miracles. I noticed i have to concentrate to answer a question about the donor - like docs asking how old she is. What donor? My mind seems to forget about it completely. They are my precious babies with little arms and legs and hearts beating very fast :)
I am curious to find out how they look. Like my partner or like the mysterious Barcelona lady i never met. But there is nothing negative, just curiosity.
Good luck with your treatments!
 
#8 ·
Hi
sorry if you dont think this appropriate. i have 3 children (Oe) and in march this yr went for fresh donor embryo at serum. i was lucky enough to get a bfp (even though shortlived) and from the moment the blasts were put back, they were mine. my pregnancy lasted for 9.5 weeks, i saw my baby's hrtbt four times in a fortnight and the 5th scan revealed no hrtbt. i was and still am absolutely devestated. slowly, i am beginning to smile again, but its taking a bit longer for that smile to reach my eyes and my heart.
i think my answer would be, that gorgeous little baby that my body failed didnt feel like my baby - it was simply my baby. from the moment the blasts were transferred to the moment i lost my little shrimplet and even currently, it was simply my baby, nobody elses. for me the.move to donor was seamlesa and i disnt do any grieving over not using my own eggs this time. for me it was a simple decision to make, although i do know a lot of ladies struggle with this. to me its a cell that someone has very generously donated, its what you do with it that counts.
i wish you well in your journey. (sorry if my comments seem insensitive or inappropriate, wasnt meant that way)
jade xxx
 
#9 ·
My twins are nearly 4. They are their own people - little individuals I love more than anything in the world. I could not imagine loving them any more if they had been from my eggs.

as others have said I do sometimes feel sorry that they don't have my eyes or my grandma's nose. (But many people say how like me they look esp dd. )  And I do sometimes feel sad when someone says eg " will you have curly hair like your mum when you're bigger " to my dd today.
But would I change them? Not a hair on their heads.

Could i change my past I would not change anything. If I didn't have endo and my ovary removed, with the other one too damaged to respond properly, those two wonderful little people wouldn't exist. It is a scary thought.  ( however, I would like a bit less pain and problems now and long term ).

It was actually a tandem cycle I did with a mixed transfer. I am sure it is the 2 de embies not the one ie one that got snuggled in, but tbh I really don't care. They can test themselves when thay get older if it is important to them.

i feel in many ways that my children are MORE mine, not less, than other peoples. My children are not just here because my body had some working underlying functions. My children are here because I fought for them. I went through years  pain and drugs and everything to have them.

A lady gave me some cells. I am very grateful to her for doing so, but they were cells not babies. My babies grew listening to my heartbeat and my gurgling tummy. They were fed by my blood and my chi. I breastfed them so my food was their food.

I am currently 17 weeks pregnant. The egg is from a different donor. This child is as much mine as my twins are.

I still sometimes see a mum and her mini-me and feel sad. But then my son laughs his deep belly laught or my daughter smiles the smile that lights up the room.

I believe I have the children I am meant to have.

And infertility gives something too, a balance for all it takes. When your children are born, you realise just how true the term "blessed" means. You love them in a way that I don't think those who achieved their children eàsily and quickly can understand. You have a gap there waiting for that child. You don't miss those nights out etc as you've been there, seen it, done it

For me once those eggs are collected they are mine. I thañk the two ladies who have helped me have my family. But they are MY children, not theirs. And epigenetics even says that they are not the same children as would've been born had the donors been the ones to gestste them.

I believe a family is a family, however it comes to be. Be it by ivf, donor eggs/sperm, double donor, surrogacy or adoption, the child/ren you are meant to have are waiting for you. You just need to be ready to welcome them - and keep fighting for them

x x
 
#10 ·
I was tempted to just answer with a big fat YES :)

My DD felt like mine right from that bfp. I sometimes struggle to remember that someone donated some cells to finally let me be a mummy.

My DD is nearly 9 months now are more and more often people keep saying she looks more like me. It's nice but, I think she looks like herself. Does that make sense?  She has her own little personality and some of my mannerisms.  I love the way her little face lights up when she sees me first thing in the morning.
 
#11 ·
Hi,

Sorry to butt in, but I'm an altruistic donor.
I have 2 children of my own and won't be having any more.
I decided to donate eggs to help lovely ladies like you all.  I have comments all of the time saying others couldn't donate eggs as they'd see the child as theirs because of the DNA.

I disagree completely.  Without the lady they grow inside, the eggs would be nothing.  I'm providing an empty egg that, without being fertilised externally and implanted into potential mummy, wouldn't be grown at all.
I don't class any blood I donate as still mine once it's gone, so I don't see the difference with the eggs either.

It's lovely to read the comments above, how you all class the baby as your own and wouldn't change anything for the world.  That's exactly what I want to be reading, especially as an altruistic donor, it makes doing this so worthwhile. :)

I hope I speak for all donors like me, that all we want is for you to reach your dreams and hope any child born from our eggs makes you the happiest woman alive. :)
x
 
#12 ·
Hi GeordieDan

Thank you for your comments - I too think of the egg donated as a single cell which would not grow into the child we have without my husbands sperm to fertilise it and my body to nourish it.  I like your comparison to giving blood - I had a blood transfusion when I was 19 and while I will be eternally grateful for it I don't feel I have someone else's blood in my veins.  Very similar to donated eggs, I cannot ever thank the donor enough for giving me the opportunity, and it is an opportunity not a guarantee, to have my own child.

It takes some getting your head around when DE is first suggested but thank goodness we live in an age where it can be suggested and can lead to motherhood.  Infertility is a hard road but donors give us a chance and the outcome can be wonderful. 

I too am loving reading all these truly positive and happy  endings.

Morag
 
#13 ·
Ladies

As someone on my first donor cycle due to poor egg quality, I would just like to say that I love this thread. It makes me so happy to hear how you all see these lovely babies as yours and don't feel any differently.  I also love the blood donor analogy.  I had never thought of it like that.

Cordelia xxxx
 
#14 ·
Hi,

GeordieJan, I loved reading what you wrote as it is from the donors perspective. As a DE recipient I have often wondered how donors feel and what motivates them to act in such as altruistic manner :)

I have a 19 month old dd conceived via DE IVF. It took a little while to come to terms with using DE. I had to grieve for the child I would never have. However, I can say with all honesty that it's the best thing I've ever done. My dd feels totally mine. Of course I am aware that we don't share DNA but she and I have a very strong attachment and I adore her. I truly believe you end up with the child you were meant to have.

To any ladies with doubts/concerns. Take the plunge. You won't regret it!

xx
 
#15 ·
Hiya Ladies,

A resounding YES, and once your little one can talk and is calling you "mummy, mummy,mummy" a hundred times a day, and I'm not exaggerating here, you can feel nothing else but 100% Mum. 

Actually, as soon as I was pg I was overwhelmed, as of course the medical staff started to refer to me as Mum!  How is Mum doing!!!  This mother's due date is... etc. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

The love, the bonding, everything starts from the minute you hear a heart beat seriously  makes it real - you are the Mum beyond a doubt.

Yes moving from OE is a process, this is very true and I always wonders what my own DNA babies would have been like, but my little one is truely perfect and i wouldn't change her for the world.

Good luck to all the ff's looking at this fork in the road, it is tough but I promise you a healthy baby at the end is truly a pot of gold,  all the anxiety and fears re: donor conception and pain of failed cycles  melts away and it feels like pure love.  This was  my experience anyway, and I have never looked back.

Even having tx for a sibling lessens the sting/pain because I have her.  Its one of the best decisions hubby and I have ever made, and I can't thank the donor enough (even though I will never meet her)

LOL Daisy xxx
^daisy^
 
#16 ·
:)

I'm pleased my post wasn't taken out of turn. :)
I worried a little that it might have been the wrong thing to do, but obviously not.

I've donated blood 16 times so far & was due to donate again tomorrow, but I have a terrible cold, so have cancelled my appointment.  The reason I donate blood is to help others who need it.  Which is the exact same reason I donate eggs.  I have eggs that can be given, you lovely ladies out there have a need for them.

Morag, it sounds like you've been through the mill!
But also have a very happy ending. :)
Good luck :)

Surfergirl, Thanks for your comments too. :)

It's lovely to hear your stories of success.  I know my last donation ended in pregnancy and actually cried tears of joy for my recipient when I found out.  I was so pleased it was a success for her.

I'm due to start donation mid October again and can't wait to give another lady the chance of her own family. :)

I feel no connection to the eggs once they've gone at all, the only thing I think about is whether It's been a success and how happy the family are.  I have written everything I can think the child might want to know in the donor profile, so as many answers are there as I can think of.  If they read it, they may feel no need to contact me when they are older.  Although, if they do contact me, I will be there to answer any other questions.  Both my children know I've given my eggs to a lady who needs them.  But are too young to know the ins and outs of egg donation yet.  They also know the lady was growing a baby of her own from my eggs, but there's no reason for them to think of that child as a sibling. 

I have everything crossed that this next donation has a happy ending too. :)
 
#17 ·
Thanks GeorgieJan to you and all other donors who are kind and open to help ladies like me to hace a family.

I find it lovely that you told your kids about your donation.
 
#18 ·
I'm just glad I managed to donate. :)
There's women out there that have registered to donate and have been unable to do so for different reasons.  I'm one of the lucky ones who has been able to help.
I'm hoping I manage to complete treatment again this time and as many times as possible before I'm "too old".

I've told my children in case in 18 years time, someone comes looking for me to get answers to questions.  It's easier for them to know from the beginning than explain when it happens.
Plus I'm hoping they both follow in my footsteps of doing everything they can to help others.  They already come with me to blood donor sessions, so it's just normal for them. :)
It's all part of teaching your kids morals & respect.
I know if I was a woman in need, I'd want someone to do the same for me.
:)
 
#19 ·
Geordie - i could not read and run - you ARE amazing! I was seriously considering DE but the miracle happened in June. After reading this thread and your story Geordie i dont think i will have problem switching to DE in the future. Thank you all!
 
#20 ·
I agree, ladies like Geordie are amazing. Our donor gave us the most precious gift! I often wonder about her but not in a negative way at all.  I hope I get to thank her one day!
 
#21 ·
Thanks so much for this thread. I'm just dipping my toes into the donor egg forum, still not sure that it is something for us but it is great to read so many positive stories. We saw our consultant yesterday and although we have one frostie to try for an FET in November, she has suggested that we consider de if this doesn't work. It's not something we thought we would have to do so it's a lot to take in, we have one dd of our own so it feels a bit strange that we may not manage to give her a sibling on our own.

I will say though, it's fantastic to have the option and I agree with the previous posters about what an amazing job ladies like Geordie do.

Lisa x
 
#22 ·
Hi MissMayhem (& everyone else)

I haven't managed to get pregnant yet with DE, but you might want to have a look at the "donor conception network" website. It's a little charity, but there are various stories you can get even if you aren't a member and booklets that we found really helpful for talking to Friends & family about it all, as I've found the best thing for me was getting to a point where I felt entirely confident about my decision - I don't have any doubt at them moment - it might change with pregnancy hormones of course! - that any baby I carry will be mine - or course there will be lots sadness along the way that they aren't actually related to me, but that's grief that hopefully I've mostly dealt with now. We did a Preparation for Parenthood workshop with donor conception network and that made a huge difference for us, but in part it was just meeting people in the same boat as us, as all the rest of my friends are particularly fertile!

Along the way we've been to see Zita West and whilst I don't think I learnt anything from her, she did say the embryo may be 50% donor, but it is also 50% your lovely hubby and it is 100% your blood & body which is growing your baby, so it will definitely be yours. There's also the chat about epigenetics that in a quick summary says that all embryos have the same bits of DNA, but it's the "receptors" that get turned on during pregnancy - ie it's your body choosing the "brown eyed gene" if one parent has brown & one has green eyes. Most of the papers on it are far too scientific for me, but I'd did see a good article somewhere & repost it, so will try to find it.... (Thought I might as well find it now...)

http://eggdonorsblog.giftovlife.com/epigenetics

Lisa - totally know what you mean about it not thinking it's something you'd do - When we got married 6 years ago, I'd rather expected we'd have a few nice nights out in the pub or dinner, come home, have some ^BMS^ and presto ... Never thought we'd be two failed rounds of IVF in, pre-egg donation "monitored cycle" (in case my body needed more drugs!), one DE cycle down and lining up for another one :( But there lots of support out there. Fingers crossed though your FET brings you another little miracle.

GeordieJan - you're amazing! thank you!

Lots of luck with making your decisions everyone.
Canuck xx
 
#23 ·
So lovely to hear from a donor, thankyou so much  ;)

We have been told today that after two failed cycles due to my egg quality that de is our best option.

OH not yet convinced but I know I am. I have no hesitations at all about needing a donor egg as my need to be a mother far outweighs anything. I'm hoping when he has had more time to compute everything my wonderful hubby will agree.

We have some time before our next appt in October to talk about things more.

I have found this failed cycle much harder to cope with as I got very excited when I actually responded to stimms and produced eggs, only for none to fertilise even with excellent sperm.

Our only other option is icsi but we have only been given around a 1% chance as opposed to over 40% with donor eggs.

The thought of more heartache and expense using my eggs, without taking into account all the medication etc, doesn't bear thinking about now I know those stats  :(
 
#24 ·
Hi Canuck, thanks so much for all the useful links, will definitely be studying them over the next few months whilst trying to make our decision. DH refuses to talk about it until we've given our little frostie a try which is fair enough but I have to start thinking about it now as I think it will take some time for me to come to terms with this. And given what the consultant and embryologist said about my eggs, I'd be pretty amazed if this fet worked.

And I wish you the best of luck for your next DE cycle, what a journey you have been on and I really hope this is the one that works for you.

Spudlin, I'm sure your OH will come to the same conclusion as you once he has had time to think about it. I can't really offer any advice as I'm still trying to get my head round everything at the moment but I wish you luck for the future and hope the appointment goes well for you in October.

Lisa x
 
#25 ·
Spudlin the success rate is much higher using DE abroad: approximately double what you have been quoted.
TCC x
 
#26 ·
Hi MissMayhem,
My answer is yes, the baby does feel totally like mine and I could not love him more. I carried him, gave birth to him, hold him, know his smell...At the same time it is at the back of your mind that there is a biological difference, that some features or mannerisms may not come from me or my husband and it is hard to explain but this co-exists alongside the feeling that he's all mine without having any influence on it. Perhaps it's that the maternal instinct overrides everything else. It can be hard to get your head around DE at first but once you are on that route and the prospect of being a family is there, then it's so exciting. Yes, we had our moments of 'are we doing the right thing' but are so glad we persisted.
 
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