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Depressed and still stuck on what to do

9K views 55 replies 18 participants last post by  StartedLate 
#1 ·
I'm 48 years old and have previously asked for advice and received some good replies but I still haven't done anything about things.  I can't understand why because I can't seem to shake off the desire to have a child and I think I'm getting more depressed and bitter as a result of my situation.  I'm ashamed of how I feel and I thought I would ask again for some advice.  I know what I I need to do but I feel lonely in that I'm not getting support from family as they think I'm too old.  The problem is, the fact that my sisters have got children isn't helping. I'm feeling low and I'm panicking because I don't want to be childless because I've always dreaded that.  The vaginismus has always been a problem and I don't know what options to pursue because I feel alone in all of this.  Am I too old?  Please only reply if you can help me to do something about my situation.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
 
#2 ·
Hi - sorry to hear that you are struggling. You don't say whether you are single or have a partner.....and if you have a partner, are they supportive?

I am single, just turned 46 and about a year ago I decided that my longing to have a child was not going to go away - I could no longer wait to meet Mr Right and was going to have to do something about my desire or accept that it was not going to happen and move on. It took me a while to admit out loud to others that this was something I wanted and also to recognise that it was never going to happen if I did not do something about it.

I met some great solo mums via the Donor Conception Network and they were very helpful as I made my decision as to whether to go ahead and try to conceive or not - I also questioned whether I was too old and also worried about whether I would be able to cope bringing up a child on my own.

On the point about age, others said that if I was capable of running around after a toddler then I could probably cope with most things. Also if you want something so badly, then you will find a way to make it work. No-one pretended that it would be easy but none of my friends who are mums regret their decision at all....

The issue of course with our age is whether we will be able to conceive - early on, it was made very clear to me that IVF success rates with own eggs at my age were very very low and the consultant immediately recommended donor eggs. So after an initial OMG moment and I don't think I would be comfortable with that approach, I found over a few weeks that I changed my mind - if that was the only way for me to carry a child, then I felt I needed to try it (as turning the clock back was not an option). If I did not try, then I felt that I would always regret it.

So I have now been very lucky and I'm now 9 weeks pregnant on my first attempt with IVF using donor eggs and donor sperm.

Not sure if this helps but feel free to pm me if you want to catch up more. This is a big tough decision and a very emotional process to go through with no guarantee of success. I just decided I had to take the risk rather than regret it for the rest of my life.

Thinking of you
India

 
#3 ·
Maybe a fertility counsellor would help work out your true feelings and if motherhood is really for you x
 
#4 ·
Hi Adviceplease

I think some of it depends on your personal situation as well as your age.

If you are single - plenty of women over 40 go through successful treatment. We have a good place here to discuss options if you are single - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0 Chances are you may need a double donor (egg and sperm) so have a look here too - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=64.0 You will also most likely need to seek treatment abroad because of your age, but plenty of older ladies do this and will be able to advise.

If you have a partner, because of your age, you may still wish to look at the Donor section as above.

In terms of age, it's hard for us older Mums and Dads (I am nearly 42 and my DH is nearly 62) not to think about it, but everyone is different and copes differently. Whilst there are some benefits to being younger, there are also as many benefits to being older. They key thing is that you have weighed up the commitment you make to the child and can love and support them.

I think you need to decide on this for you and not for your family. If you become pregnant and have a baby they will still support you and love their grandchild or niece/nephew whatever.

Hope this helps and if I can point you to any boards that may be of practical help let me know.

KA xxx ^reiki^ ^reiki^
 
#5 ·
India,

Thanks, I appreciate you replying and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have a partner, who already has children of his own.  He's not that supportive really.  This is something that doesn't help me with making a decision.  So, I don't really know what to do about that. 

I got pregnant twice at age 45 and miscarried at almost 46.  I keep getting reminders about my age from people in my family and that tends to make me halt doing anything about my situation.  I even tried to put off the idea of having children but this yearning seems to resurface every day at some point.   

You are fortunate that you have friends that you can relate to because I don't have any really.  I have a social anxiety problem and I don't really mix that much.  I do know that a few school friends had their children in their early to mid 40's, so they know what it's like to have small children at this age.  However, I'm no longer in contact with them although I obviously see them now and again.  I keep thinking what would they think if they saw me pregnant at my age and that also tends to put me off.  I've always thought I would have children and therefore I' m not sure that I can accept the way things are.  I might pm you sometime, all the best.

Blondie71 - Thanks, appreciate you replying.  Are fertility counsellors free in the UK and are they likely to try and put me off trying to get pregnant at my age?  Do I have to go through a doctor to get to see one?

Karenanna - Thanks, I appreciate the links and it helps that I've got somewhere to come to ask questions.  I know I have to decide but I'm too anxious to do anything about it.  I'm not well off either at the moment but I can't let that stop me really, can I? 

I think I'm quite good with children and I think I get on better with them than adults.  I've considered embryo adoption and adoption.    Is it worth trying an IUI as I can't afford IVF?  Still, I can't make a decision and can't understand what's stopping me. 

Thanks

 
#6 ·
I want to start by saying that I do not think you are too old at all.  Far from it!!!  Why don't you look on the over 50 boards and write there?  You will get lots of encouragement.  You have so many options being under 50.  Loads!!!  You will have to go outside the UK most probably but lots of clinics in Europe will accept you under 50 - including Serum.
I have two lads in their twenties now.  Like you, at 46, I got pregnant naturally and miscarried.  It raised the whole subject again.  Like you, everyone round me was negative.  My GP was unsupportive (no, no, not at your age etc.) and wouldn't point me in the right direction but I never got it out of my mind.  I dreamt about it often and did not raise the subject with my husband.  I started Googling in my private time to see where would take me.  Unfortunately, as I was looking after my dear dad, I passed the 50 threshold.  I had a real heart-to-heart with my husband and at first he said no but he did soften.  You must float the subject - a bit like lighting the blue touch paper and withdrawing.  Let him mull it over.  At least he will know that you are thinking of it, needing it. 
I took up running and that has been a salvation.  It did wonders for my mood, improved my blood pressure, muscle tone etc and vastly improved my morale - not old and past it if I could do something I couldn't do at 16.  I urge you to take up something and regain your self-confidence in your own body.  I really do think that is SO important. 
Go for it!  Start your research.  Get yourself fit.  Give yourself a few months, even a year to reach your goal.  Get your cervical cancer smear, breast cancer test etc. done because the clinic will want this.  You are certainly NOT passed it!!!  I am now 52 and just had treatment.  :)
 
#7 ·
I am really sorry for you situation, but I think you should follow your dreams. And if that dream is to have a child, then go for it. But, as I keep getting told: your have to find peace within yourself  first - a child shouldn't fill your loneliness - you have to do that.

Simon Cowell is 54, and people didn't have ago at him about being a new father. And if they did, they he would tell them to sod off. Who is to the judge on whether you are a good mother, and what quantifies a good mother? I guess you can't expect families to be supportive, no matter what your/their age. They have their own issues/priorities. You biggest challenge is having a partner who already has children - you have to be realistic in that he probably won't want a child as much as you. My husband already has a child. He wants another, but nowhere near as much as me (this might also be a male thing).

Whatever you decide, be confident in your decision and avoid naysayers.

Good luck,

xx




 
#8 ·
I started the 50 plus thread.
I will be 7 months pregnant next Monday!
And 57 on Oct 18th.

Its my first ever pregnancy.
The desire to have a child never goes away.
Your dilemma seems to be more of One of confidence.

I was scared too. But my desire was so strong!
I thought I would get a lot of negativity but I was shocked to be wrong!

Go for your dream. You have one life.
Only you can realise your dream.
Make it happen!
I did.
And I did it alone.

Please feel free to pm me.

Morgana xx
 
#9 ·
Mandalay and Deedee - Thanks, it's great to hear of inspirational stories on here and I hope you will succeed.  Have you spoken to friends and other people are around your age about your desire to have a child?  I keep thinking that if I told anyone outside my family, they would start talking about me.  I've always been like that and I realise that it doesn't help to think like that.  It would be nice to hear of someone in my area getting pregnant at an older age and then I wouldn't be so alone.  I've told my partner about it and I think he would prefer it if it had happened naturally as he isn't very keen on children. 

Morganna - Congratulations on your pregnancy.  I'm finding the process of making a decision too difficult and I think my partner would prefer me to forget about it.  I keep talking about it now and again but he won't make any remarks really, I suppose he hopes I will get over it and I thought I would in time but I keep going back to thinking about it.  It's as though I have to make the decision on my own but I'm stuck and that is the problem really.

Thanks I appreciate the opportunity to pm you.

Regards
 
#10 ·
I have only told my husband, sons and sister because, after all, I may not succeed.  But I don't care what other people think.  If people criticise me, then people have always done that.  I got pregnant first at 25 years old but some people thought it was indecent to be pregnant within a month of marrying!  Then they thought it was wrong to wait 6 years to have another!  You can't please people!!  And why should you try?  Stuff 'em!!!
There are so many of us on this forum that you cannot feel unusual, Adviceplease.  And it is just wonderful for loving support.  I love these kind, generous ladies.  They are an inspiration, a comfort and soul mates.
I think you need to build your self-confidence in any way you can. 
My own husband would probably never have mentioned another baby so your own husband is probably quite typical!  Men are often like that, I'm afraid.  They go to mush when they meet their new baby and that's all that counts.
The only thing you need to be honest about is:  do I really, really want a baby.  IVF is a rollercoaster and you need to be certain of that.
 
#11 ·
hi

I'm also 48 and in a similar place - had m/c at 45 with first ever pregnancy.  Then 3 ivfs one of which was positive but then m/c.  I also have step kids and it seems that everything else gets in front of this motherhood dream that I have.  And I've asked myself why i haven't made it a total priority, why i've left it this late, why I have allowed my partners ex to dominate my thoughts in the past 2 years whilst we've been doing the ivf and why i was putting everyone first instead of making this dream a reality.

So i've recently gone to see someone to help with my thinking because i reckon that is the main problem.  Instead of counselling (which for me in the past has involved loads of talking and not so much creating solutions) I've gone for hypnotherapy/NLP.  So it's someone who helps me sort out my thoughts on this, work out what I really want and helps get my thoughts clear so that I can go into IVF feeling strong and positive and able to enjoy whatever happens.

It sounds to me that you may need someone to help focus your thoughts so you can finally make this decision for yourself.  I completely understand where you're at, and yes i think depression and bitterness can be a side effect of not moving forward meaningfully.  I have experienced all that too.  Reading the over 50s board is not only encouraging with such lovely ladies on there, but it also acclimatises you to how it is these days.. the medicine is there to make this possible - the people who say any of us is too old is behind the times, in today's world it is NOT too old.  Retirement is later, people work longer, health is better etc

Wishing you all the best in your journey.  My hypno/nlp lady focuses things on my identity - that i'm finding it now and moving into it… perhaps this is true of you too.

Huge  ^hugme^ and wishing you all the best

xx

PS my family are very unsupportive too (apart from my dad) so i don't mention it anymore.  I see that really as their problem and not mine and it's a shame/disappointing.  Don't let it influence or prevent you as it isn't their life - it's yours.
 
#12 ·
Mandalay - Thanks again, nice to hear from you.  I agree, there are a lot of inspirational stories in this forum and it's great to read them.  I realise I shouldn't be bothered about what other people say but it makes no difference to know this.  I've always been that type of person and it's resulted in me putting off a lot of things.  I've even been to see counsellors to try and overcome the problem, although it hasn't altered things.  I always appreciate hearing from people in here though.  I always thought of myself as having children, so that is why I probably keep thinking about it.

artist_mum - Thanks, I appreciate you replying.  I hope you succeed with your therapy and that it helps you.  I think people have been quite negative towards you and they haven't been fair to you.  Surely, they can see that you would like your own child? 

I can't afford NLP and therefore I'll have to find another way to think about things.  I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and also afraid of regretting not trying.  Time is going by and I'm doing nothing about this, only thinking about it continually and getting depressed and feeling stuck.

I hope you will keep in touch.
 
#13 ·
hi again

only just saw your response. I really have been where you're at. I had M.E. and for 15 years I did the same thing as you seem to be saying:

"thinking about it continually and getting depressed and feeling stuck"

If you can just believe now that at some point you will go from this 'ruminating' to some kind of action and you then move into another way of being.. then you will be a step closer to it. So just have a tiny belief that you can have something different. And that's all for today. I did a thing called The Lightning Process to get myself 'unstuck'. It was expensive. But my life was becoming unliveable. That was 8 years ago and my life has changed radically and for the better.

If you can't afford that or NLP or some other thing that will help you springboard into a change.. you could try https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome. It's free, you just register and you can do each exercise as and when you want - and it helps change thinking patterns that may not be serving you very well.

And get outdoors/exercise. Helps the mind. I don't know you, but I feel for you enormously. And I hope you can get the change that you want - don't be afraid of that. 'Change' is infinitely better than 'stuck'.

^pray^

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#14 ·
artist_mum

Thanks, I think you and everyone else has provided some good advice.  The problem I also have is with knowing how to go about trying for a child.  I suppose it should be embryo adoption or even adoption?  It seems like a really big step from where I am now to doing something about it.  Yet, as time goes by, the anxiety about not having a child is increasing.  I would feel a lot more motivated if I had the support of the people that I know.  I think it takes a lot of courage to do this without any support.  Places like this forum help a lot and I have also researched online but I'm still stuck and I'm afraid of doing anything about it.

Thanks, I appreciate the link to the free program.

Regards
 
#15 ·
Hi adviceplease
so sorry that you're struggling. I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I'm 47 and single - with no Mr Right on the horizon I made the decision to try for a child on my own or felt I would regret it. I had 2 attempts with double donation in 2012 which were BFN, changed clinic and had IVF last October. I can't believe it but my little miracle is asleep in his cot at the moment! I was 47 in March and James was born July 2014, so I m so glad I tried. It's not easy doing it alone but it's worth it. All my colleagues, friends and family are supportive, but I haven't spread widely the details of double donation (it's not their business) but they love him to bits.
As for clinics, most in the UK will treat you if you are 50 and under, some clinics abroad i.e Cyprus for one will treat you over 50. I went to CARE Sheffield who were brilliant.
I have 3 frozen embryos so I'm planning on trying for a sibling next year. If the FET does not work, still planning to try again with fresh double donation.
The statistics of IUI with own eggs would not be great, but using an egg donor would increase your odds to 50-60 %, rather than less than 5%.
I do so hope you find a solution.
Hi to artist mum - I so feel for you, and hope you find what you need to do
Deb
 
#16 ·
deblovescats,

Thanks, I appreciate you replying, it's nice to hear from you and I hope you and your son are doing well.  I am very stuck and can't seem to make the decision to try and do something about my situation.  Even though I'm reading stories like yours on here of people my age going ahead with this, they are inspiring me but I still can't seem to go for it, somehow.  Would you say that embryo adoption would be an easier option for someone like myself than say adopting in the UK?  I don't think I would be able to adopt a baby but I was hoping that perhaps I would be able to adopt a two or three year old?  I don't know what to do and this is the only place I can talk about my anxieties because my partner isn't interested in talking about it really. 

 
#17 ·
hi adviceplease
sorry you're stuck at the moment - it's a really big decision knowing and motivating yourself to do something. I think I had got to the point when I thought I'd regret it if I didn't do anything, even if it failed! I think I had convinced myself it wouldn't!
I think you would stand a good chance of an older child say aged 2 or 3. There are so many wanting families and the govt has tried to get the system speeded up so kids aren't languishing in care as long.
When you contact clinics you can register for embryo adoption but these don't come up very often. The other option would be to try with an egg donor and a sperm donor if your partner was not happy to go ahead. This is available in UK so you wouldn't need to go abroad. I only waited 6 weeks for my donor and I think most waiting lists are not too long at the moment - they used to be about 2 years!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I know it was worth it for me - even though it's daunting doing it on your own!
Deb
 
#18 ·
Sometimes in life you just have to close your eyes and take the leap... this is one of those times!

Serum in Athens do embryo adoption and it's on their website, frozen is 2000 euro and fresh is 3000 euro and no waiting lists as they are straight from the backup donors the clinic uses.

If it's a partner holding you back as they don't want children you may have to decide where your heart beats strongest tbh I've been there and done that and thank goodness the choice to be a mother won me over x
 
#19 ·
deblovescats - I think you are right that I might regret not doing anything about it because I'm always thinking about it.  My partner isn't really interested so it's making me put things off and that is making me think about whether or not I should pursue this.  I think it would possibly help me if I actually knew someone of my age in my area that is pregnant or who wants to have a child of their own.  I can't afford donor eggs anyway and therefore it would have to be embryo donation.  I'm glad of this forum as a place to come for advice but I'm always putting things off, due to anxiety.

Blondie71 - I think the problem is that I'm not sure what I should do and I'm the type of person that let's opportunities go because of the anxiety.  Thanks, I appreciate you replying.
 
#20 ·
Advice please - I can't reply to your PM as your in box is full.


Maggie x
 
#22 ·
Hi there

For years I didn't think that I wanted children. I never had much to do with them until I had a couple of nieces, and I realised that I may be missing out. As I was so anti, and having low self confidence, I thought that I should just get on with things, as I was worried about people would think.

However my feelings were affecting my time with my family, so DH and I decided to try, but I was already getting on, and am now 49. Obviously things weren't happening very quickly, so we sought advice, had tests and were told that donor eggs would be the best option for us.

Anyway, today was egg collection day, so fingers crossed for the next few weeks... If it works, I will be almost 50 by the time I give birth.

We haven't told anyone yet as I don't want to get into any discussions with friends and family until we really have to. However I keep thinking that healthcare professionals will be disapproving, but they have all been amazingly supportive and positive.

In my opinion, we all need to do the things that make us happy. It may not work but I would always wonder what would have happened if we don't. In the past I have made some poor life choices, through indecision and fear, so am trying to make some changes.

Unfortunately today people still do seem to be disapproving of older mothers but very little comment is made about septuagenarian fathers.

Interestingly, I saw a documentary about human development and there is a theory that human females lose their fertility so that the grandmothers can help raise the young. Apparently no other animal has a menopause. I like to think that we have evolved beyond this. If you haven't got any grandchildren then there is no need to sacrifice your dreams to help with them.
 
#23 ·
I just wanted to add about men, I struggled to get my OH to agree to trying but once he was onboard he was onboard.  I got some amazing advice from a woman I confided in.  Men, they rarely get broody but they just love their babies when they arrive.  If you really want a baby then go for it hun!  Being older means you have less energy than a 20 year old but loads more patience (more important IMO)  and probably more money.

Good luck whatever you decide!
 
#24 ·
Larry the Lamb - Thank you for replying and all the best on your decision to have a baby.  Can I ask how you made the decision to finally go for it and did it worry you about being older?  I also have nieces and nephews born and I am the only one who hasn't had any children, even though I've had a couple of miscarriages.  I have to admit that even though I am happy for them, I am a little bitter that I haven't had my act together sooner to try and have my own.  The social anxiety has really been the biggest problem and it's the reason that I've put most things off.  I'm regretting it now and I think my confidence is lower and I feel a lot more depressed.  I'm worried that if I stay childless, I will regret it but something is still making me feel stuck.  I'm too worried about what other people think and I know that I shouldn't think like that but I still do.  It's good that the healthcare professionals seemed to be on your side and supportive rather than against it.  All the best.

Dippygirl - Thank you for replying.  I think it would take a lot of persuading to get my partner on board.  When you say you got some advice from a woman, is she someone in the forum?  I'd really like someone to help me make a decision?  I'm not sure where to go for advice because I think people will be negative due to my age and they'll tell me to forget about it.  This is why I always come and ask for advie in the forum.  Again, it's all down to being an anxious person and I worry too much about what people think.  However, if I think there are people on my side, I am more likely to go for it.

Thanks
 
#25 ·
Advice - it was years ago I was then 30 (currently 42) and heartbroken, we ended up talking to a therapist together.  The advice was given by a random woman I met during our 6 months just being together and see if we can reach a compromise time.  She was 46 and had just had a hysterectomy after leaving the man she had been married to for too long and who didn't agree to kids.  She had her own regrets and had studied the whole thing from afar.  It was one of those chance meetings that really gave me what I needed to hear. 

TBH even now as I consider my sixth and final IVF I wake in the middle of the night thinking "what am I thinking of???!!!" at our age, we have a great life, we are happy… thing is it is never a good time to have a baby, you never have enough time of energy or space of money but it isn't a logical decision.  I would suggest it might be a good idea to talk wither your GP and ask for a referral for some counselling to help you to figure out whats going on, it isn't good to have something enormous like this locked up inside.  They won't judge you, they won't discourage you… that isn't their job, it is to help you to find what you really need to do for you.  If you won't do it for yourself, consider doing it so that if you do decide to have a baby that you have more tools to help you to cope.

Id suggest if you are looking at Donor possibilities that you consider SERUM, they do plenty of donor options but also miscarriage prevention.


My OH is a grandfather and will be 60 soon, tbh it freaks me out, I think I have decided of this does ever work I'll keep our news to ourselves for at least 6 months then just say something like "we surprised everyone…. including ourselves", I have absolutely no doubt that there will be people sniggering up their sleeves and people who won't.  But that is all that it would be so bring it on.  No need to volunteer any extra information. ;-)
 
#26 ·
Dippygirl - I agree that I need to talk to someone about it but I'm embarrassed about even talking about it to the doctor.  I wonder if there are a lot of ladies who were too afraid to try and have children in their 40's who regret later that they didn't do anything about it.  Sometimes I panic and worry that I will end up childless.

All the best
 
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