Hi Advice
It does worry me about being older, but I can't turn the clock back and as I said I would always wonder; and I need to break the pattern of missing out on things by my indecision. I also think that we are healthier and fitter than many younger people that we know who have children and we feel we have a lot to offer a child. I do worry that people will think that we are the grandparents, but I do know someone who is younger than me with an adopted son, worried about adopting another young child because people may think that she is the nan, even though she looks really young, so it's all relative!
I also worry about what people will think, and I don't think that will go away, but we will just have to cross each bridge as we come to it, and my late found need to have a family has to take priority, or I will always feel stuck. I am currently in my 2ww after having one embryo put back, and I already feel happy to have made it this far but very nervous about the future.
The main decider was my husband - he was always more open to children than me and he could see how miserable I was, so he encouraged me to do something about it. I know that is not your case, possibly because he already has some, however that seems very selfish to me. I know that I am so lucky to have someone who is so supportive of me.
I do think that it sounds like your depression and fears may be affecting your health, so you could see your GP and ask for a referral for counselling, which should at least get you some free sessions as a start point. Your GP practice should have several doctors, so if you initially get an unsupportive one, you could get another appointment with a more sympathetic one. My first step was to speak to my GP, who referred me to a local NHS fertility clinic. They did tests, then said that our best chance would be donation, so were unable to help further because of their rules, but they gave me a list of clinics that could.
For over 45s it gets more rare for natural pregnancies and for them to go to term, so egg donation or similar is probably the best option. I know that for me the donor eggs mean that most worries about health problems to do with my age are not an issue, which is good as I could worry for England!
I do hope that you feel able to move on and take some action soon, time doesn't stand still and I wish I had done it sooner. Even if it doesn't work, at least we tried.