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Depressed and still stuck on what to do

9K views 55 replies 18 participants last post by  StartedLate 
#1 ·
I'm 48 years old and have previously asked for advice and received some good replies but I still haven't done anything about things.  I can't understand why because I can't seem to shake off the desire to have a child and I think I'm getting more depressed and bitter as a result of my situation.  I'm ashamed of how I feel and I thought I would ask again for some advice.  I know what I I need to do but I feel lonely in that I'm not getting support from family as they think I'm too old.  The problem is, the fact that my sisters have got children isn't helping. I'm feeling low and I'm panicking because I don't want to be childless because I've always dreaded that.  The vaginismus has always been a problem and I don't know what options to pursue because I feel alone in all of this.  Am I too old?  Please only reply if you can help me to do something about my situation.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
 
#27 ·
Hi Advice
It does worry me about being older, but I can't turn the clock back and as I said I would always wonder; and I need to break the pattern of missing out on things by my indecision. I also think that we are healthier and fitter than many younger people that we know who have children and we feel we have a lot to offer a child. I do worry that people will think that we are the grandparents, but I do know someone who is younger than me with an adopted son, worried about adopting another young child because people may think that she is the nan, even though she looks really young, so it's all relative!

I also worry about what people will think, and I don't think that will go away, but we will just have to cross each bridge as we come to it, and my late found need to have a family has to take priority, or I will always feel stuck. I am currently in my 2ww after having one embryo put back, and I already feel happy to have made it this far but very nervous about the future.

The main decider was my husband - he was always more open to children than me and he could see how miserable I was, so he encouraged me to do something about it. I know that is not your case, possibly because he already has some, however that seems very selfish to me. I know that I am so lucky to have someone who is so supportive of me.

I do think that it sounds like your depression and fears may be affecting your health, so you could see your GP and ask for a referral for counselling, which should at least get you some free sessions as a start point. Your GP practice should have several doctors, so if you initially get an unsupportive one, you could get another appointment with a more sympathetic one. My first step was to speak to my GP, who referred me to a local NHS fertility clinic. They did tests, then said that our best chance would be donation, so were unable to help further because of their rules, but they gave me a list of clinics that could.

For over 45s it gets more rare for natural pregnancies and for them to go to term, so egg donation or similar is probably the best option. I know that for me the donor eggs mean that most worries about health problems to do with my age are not an issue, which is good as I could worry for England!

I do hope that you feel able to move on and take some action soon, time doesn't stand still and I wish I had done it sooner. Even if it doesn't work, at least we tried.
 
#29 ·
Hi,

I'm still thinking about this and still don't know what to do.  This affects me every morning and I start panicking because I think I've left it too late.  I can't understand why I left it so late.  If only I could meet someone to talk to because I feel really lonely and I'm getting quite bitter. 
 
#30 ·
I'm going to be honest and I'm quite happy to delete if you read this and it upsets you to much but I think 48 is to old to have a baby. looking after a newborn and toddler is exhausting. plus there is the practicalities of being able to provide for them until they leave home. you would be retirement age. sorry if i have upset you but that is an honest answer and you said you wanted advise.
 
#31 ·
I don't think 48 is too old to have a baby as long as you are fit and healthily and have a young outlook.


What does worry me is you do seem to still be in the same position mentally as when you originally posted this. What are you doing to move this forward? You really need to decide one way or the other.


Maggie x
 
#33 ·
Adviceplease - I agree with Maggie - I don't think 48 is too old - it's more an attitude. In fact, I had my little boy in July this year at the age of 47 - and I don't regret it,  but it's all an opinion. I think I'm just as capable of providing for my little boy as if I'd been younger. In fact, I think I have more patience. I would have had a child younger just never met a man I could have a child with so doing it alone! Always hoped I would.
However, I think you need to get some support/counselling to discuss issues and come to a decision otherwise it's just eating you up - you need to make a decision and go for it. It's such a big decision though, so you need to be 110%!
Deb
 
#35 ·
Hi Advice Please,

Okay first thing is talk to your husband . You need to either get him onboard or decide do you want to stay with him if he's not on board, you must have talked about this in the past?....

2nd thing is you need to make an appointment with a clinic. My advice would be go abroad as they do things a lot quicker than UK ... Try Czech Republic or Greece. they will treat you until age 50. Otherwise you will have to go to Cyprus I think or elsewhere...

Seriously if its what you really want,  don't delay things any longer just go for it!!! You mention you have social anxiety about what people will think?! Don't worry about what they will think, worry about yourself and how you feel every morning you wake up, you can't live like that panicking every day you are getting another day older just make that call or have that chat with your husband. If you change your mind well that's fine but you need to find some peace within yourself that you've made the right choices, you still have time! If you don't take the first step though you'll never get there :)Good luck!!!
 
#36 ·
advice please - I have friends with kids, but mainly there's are older, although one has a 3 year old. However, I've been going out to groups and getting to know other mums with babies the same age.
You don't have to go abroad to get seen quickly - I went to CARE Sheffield - got matched with donor within 6 weeks - the CARE clinics currently don't have waiting lists for egg donors. Also, you can be treated in UK up to 50 as well.
So your options are wide.
Deb
 
#37 ·
Just another perspective... Have a look at the parenting boards on this site for further info on how difficult being a mum can be especially older ones like me. Don't take my word for it (as no on here has!)

Also is it in the best interests of the child?

Phillipa
 
#38 ·
Missowen - If you don't think I should have a newborn then do you think I should forget the idea of having a child? 

TrionaT - Glad to hear from you.  That is exactly how I do feel on a regular basis and yet I'm still stuck on doing something.  I've read threads in this forum and other places online on this subject as well as stories by women who regret not trying to have a child.  I don't know what I can do to make myself do something. 

deblovescats - Can you tell me if Sheffield also offers embryo adoption and are they more expensive than going abroad?  I know that I can't afford doing egg donation.  I think it would have to be embryo adoption or try and get pregnant with my own eggs.  I got pregnant at first time of trying at 45 and then miscarried.  It's good that you have got support. 

Thanks

 
#39 ·
Some older women may find it hard, others not. Equally some younger mothers may struggle for different reasons.  I think it all comes down to circumstances and attitude... so long as you are fit and healthy, have a good support network and are financially in a position to raise a child then go for it... I personally plan to have a child in my mid to late forties and I'm not sure what route I will go down yet (it will depend on my circumstances). But, determination and a positive attitude go a long way and as well as loving parents or parent and as for the best interests of the child that goes without saying (no matter the age of the parents).
 
#40 ·
How many fit 60 year olds do you know Gaia? Late 40s start you'll be 60 when the child is 12! My parents had all kinds of health issues at that age. And with all due respect your talking about something you dont actually have experience of.

anyway i think i made my point just giving a negative but realist perspective. Good luck whatever you all decide ladies (in your late 40s you need it  :) 2 yrs of disturbed sleep, growth spurts and oh the teething, the tantrums the teenage hormones!  - hope you've done your homework  ;)
 
#41 ·
I know a few actually, including my own mother, so yes I do have experience... and like I say, it's down to individual circumstances and a good support network. I'm under no illusion that it will be easy (parenthood is one of the most challenging roles in life) and I also realise it may be that little bit harder in one's 40's, but every situation is different. I come into contact with families with children in my job, so I do know a bit about the challenges that being an older parent can bring (but also families with other challenges who had their children younger). I think it's important not to go into this with a realistic attitude, but also a positive one.
 
#42 ·
Ladies,


Whilst I appreciate this is quite an emotive subject can I please remind you all that Fertility Friends is a place for women (and men for that matter) to get support.


Please think carefully before posting replies and remember to be kind to one and other.


Thank you,
Maggie,
Forum Moderator.
 
#43 ·
Thank you Maggie,
I was so hoping you might step in.
And a huge thank you to blondie!
I am 57 and about to give birth any day for the first time!
I also have two adopted children at home ,  both with disabilities. And I manage just fine!
There are ups and downs, but thats life! ;D
Morganna xxx
 
#44 ·
I echo morganna's comment and am wishing you, adviceplease that you can move forward in your thinking, yourself, so that when you look back (whether you've gone for it or not) you feel comfortable that you did what felt right to YOU.

I too had a first pg and m/c at 45. I have 2 steppies, 2 dogs, 2 cats - and I am happier in my life now, than i was when younger. And I think, to any child I may be lucky enough to have, that will make all the difference.

Do what is right for you, and I hope you find someone to speak with face to face - even if money is tight, paying now for some help could save you so much in the future.

xx

PS morganna thinking of you!! xx
 
#45 ·
I've always been someone that finds it difficult to decide what to do and that is a lot of the problem.  I think if I knew someone else around my age in our locality was trying to get pregnant, it would help me to make a decision.  I would feel less alone and not the only one getting pregnant at this age. 

Thanks everyone and I also appreciate you replying.


 
#46 ·
Hi adviceplease

I hear how difficult this is for you. Have you considered working through this issue with a counsellor? Apologies if this has already been suggested. You say you've always found it difficult to make decisions. Having a child is one of the biggest decisions you can make, so I appreciate how hard this is for you, which is why I suggest talking it through with someone. Are you in a relationship or thinking of doing this alone as this might also have some influence on the matter?
 
#48 ·
I'm sorry to hear your partner isn't supportive. I was in the same position this time last year. Unfortunately we are no longer together because not having a child (or at least not trying) wasn't something I could live with. My partner was ambivalent and I ended up doing IVF with donor sperm. I won't bore you with the whole saga. Needless to say, I've picked myself back up and am getting on with having some new fertility investigations so that I know where I stand. I'm also going to start dating again because ultimately I would like to raise a child with a partner/husband. I'd like a family unit. However, if that doesn't happen I will do it alone (probably with donor eggs or adoption) but in doing so I will know that I've tried everything possible. Not having any regrets is the biggest motivator for me....

Adviceplease, I urge you to have a candid discussion with your partner about this. I'm not sure of your circumstances and what this would mean for you. But, do it for you. Also, there is a risk that you will resent your OH if you don't address this. I know this isn't easy and can understand your indecisiveness. However, life is too short (or too long) for regrets.
 
#49 ·
P.S You haven't left it too late so long as you are fit and healthy and can provide for a child... Yes, you will be older, but there are so many older mothers out there and on this forum, even if they don't live near you. 48 isn't old these days. Maybe you could consider adopting a slightly older child if this concerns you. Otherwise, consider looking at donor egg IVF abroad where they have good success rates with older women... What ever you decide to do I wish you well.
 
#50 ·
advice please - you can get treatment in UK at 48.
I think it's important that we're supportive of each other on the forum.
I went into tx with my eyes open - I know what to expect but I don't regret it. My little son is a darling - he charms everyone he meets. I'm coping fine though obviously I'm tired, but I think many younger mums are as well. Now he's settling into routines, I'm getting more time to recharge my batteries. I think we have lots to offer.
Deb
 
#51 ·
I appreciate your goodwill there missowen to our fellow forum member who I correspond with IRL and would hate to see burdened further over this discussion, sometimes we need a reminder that real people are behind these screen names and have not come to their childbearing decisions lightly.

I'm guilty of putting my foot in my mouth at times too and have had my knuckles rapped hard on a few occasions on here and on reflection I've hated myself afterwards for deeply wounding somebody when they are already being kicked in the guts by life without my 2 cents making it worse.

 
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