* Author Topic: Telling the child and other people, Chat/Support thread  (Read 186213 times)

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Online northernmonkey

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Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #100 on: 28/01/11, 22:57 »
Hi ladies,
 
I've just been reading the comments on describing our little ones as 'special' and have to admit to telling my girls they are special on a regular basis  :-[ .  DH and I have always intended to use the word when explaining to the girls how they were conceived because we thought that it would have positive associations and make the girls feel - well, special!!  However, having read this thread I'm having a bit of a panic that it's the wrong thing to do!!  I appreciate that none of us want our children to feel different but I want so much for my daughters to know how longed for and precious they are to us (as I'm sure we all do), and special is a word that seems natural to me to use in that context.  Any thoughts please??
 
Juju -  ^hugme^  I can't imagine what you must be going through but hope you decide to take this further once you get over the shock.  I can't believe they haven't even written to you, it's such shoddy treatment. 
 

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    Offline olivia m

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #101 on: 29/01/11, 11:25 »
    Hi Northern Monkey
    Please don't worry, I'm sure you haven't been doing any damage.  Telling any child that they are special from time to time is one of the ways any parent lets their child know that they are much loved.  But if we go on about it, then it could become a burden and something a child feels they have to live up to...or rebel against.  Also our history of struggle to conceive is OUR story, not theirs.  They are not going to understand how much joy they brought to our lives following years of trying to conceive until they gain an adult perspective and in the meantime they just want to enjoy being part of a warm and loving family.  That's enough for most children.
    Don't worry about it...just lay off the emphasis on being 'special' and enjoy your lovely daughters.
    Olivia

    Offline Spaykay

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #102 on: 29/01/11, 13:17 »
    northernmonkey - yup, no problem in telling them they're special beacuse you love them so much, but not different because they were conceived via a hard root. We're all special in some way ((())) i guess it's the difference in being specail to us as parnets than being specail compared to other children

    Kay xxx

    Offline LiziBee

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #103 on: 29/01/11, 22:13 »
    Aw Ju, that's awful. ((((hugs)))) Don't know what to say (but didn't want to read and run), I hope you get something resolved to your satisfaction.
    NorthernMonkey - I'll second what Olivia and Kay said. As an aside if you are able to go to a 'talking and telling' workshop by the DCN then do. We went and it was really really helpful.

    Had an interesting discussion with DD about 'different ways families can be made', came about because I had to explain why her friend called her 'daddy' 'Dave' and not 'Daddy' (mum divorced and remarried) I used it as yet another chance to show that (IMO) your parents are the people who bring you up (not necessarily those who contributed their genes) she seemed fine with it but you could see the cogs turning IYKWIM!
    Which brings me to my point, 'My story' is about to get too young for her, any suggestions of where to go next?
    Lizi.x

    Offline Han72

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #104 on: 7/02/11, 19:15 »
    Hello ^wave^

    scuse me for butting in but I wondered if you lovely ladies could help/advise???

    As you can see from my signature I've been around the world and I I I I can't find my baby ( ;D sorry couldn't resist that one!) 

    In all seriousness, after several OE IVF failures and a lot of faffing on my part, I finally pulled my head out of my ^Booty^ with regard to our chances of success with my scrambled eggs.  As a result, our last attempt was DE and we finally got pregnant but it sadly ended in a missed miscarriage at the end of November 2010.

    There is some debate as to whether a 5cm fibroid was the culprit, as karyotyping showed bubs was a perfectly normal baby boy, and I hate all that "it's just one of those things" stuff so I was desperate to find out why....  In any case, whatever the cause I had an abdominal myomectomy last month and have now been told I need to wait 6 months before any further tx. 

    I thought I had the whole DE thing straight in my head but now I've got a whole 6 months before I can do anything but cogitate, I'm getting in a pickle about it all over again. My dilemma (apart from the whole, "but how do I know if this woman is someone I'd approve of? How do I know the clinic is picking someone that really looks like me? And how important is any of that anyway?! ^idiot^ "  ) is I'm black and unfortunately we're notoriously rubbish at donating anything at all and I'll be 39 next birthday so (with apologies to any older ladies trying out there) I don't feel I can afford to wait for known donor treatment in the UK (where I'm from) or my current location in France (where it's illegal anyway!  ::) ) and I have no suitable female relatives to volunteer. So it's gonna have to be anonymous donor again.

    Thing is, I'm firmly in the telling camp and I agree that the info is best drip fed from a relatively young age, so my concern is, what if my child(ren) want to know about / meet their biological mother when they're old enough? Am I not being irresponsible in deliberately having treatment that makes this impossible?

    I am well aware that the law on this could change in the future and clinics may be forced to give up identifying information, but if this doesn't happen, is it fair that the children might never know?  I'm also terrified of the "meeting with a half sibling" situation that was mentioned by dochinka99, although this is unlikely as we'll probably go for DE in Barbados again, it's still a concern . My worries have been slightly reduced by the existence of the Donor Sibling Register website but still...

    Am I being daft? Can anyone offer any advice?

    Many thanks in advance!

    xxx

    Offline olivia m

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #105 on: 8/02/11, 08:25 »
    Hi Nix
    This is a really difficult one...a dilemma that is faced everyday by women in the UK needing egg donation but also wanting what will be best for their child in the future.  You have the additional issue of trying to find a donor to match your ethnic background and heritage.
    There may be no other choice than to have treatment in a country where donors are anonymous, but before going down that road you might want to explore some UK clinics that are known to have shorter waiting lists and MAY also have the possibility of black women needing IVF but waiting for a suitable recipient to egg-share with.  CRM and the London Women's Clinic (all three branches) are obvious choices, but Herts and Essex Clinic is another to try, plus CARE in Northampton.  Others should not be ruled out either.

    Beyond the UK, South Africa might be an obvious place for you as they have donors with the racial backgrounds of all the people living there, you get a lot of information about the donors and SOMETIMES they can be identifiable to the child from age 18.  The agencies Nurture and Global Egg Donation seem to be reputable and worth contacting.

    You can of course share information with a child no matter where they were conceived (and DC Network would be happy to support you in doing this), but having an identifiable donor does mean that the door remains open for any child to make choices about contact in the future if that's what they want.
    Very best of luck in your search and with your treatment
    Olivia

    Offline Han72

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #106 on: 8/02/11, 08:49 »
    Thanks Olivia, I've been in touch with GED but it seems the donor ID thing isn't binding, in that the donor could say yes to future contact now and then change their minds later on. I'll give Nurture a go though!

    Xxx

    Offline olivia m

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #107 on: 8/02/11, 09:18 »
    Hi Nix
    The uncomfortable truth is that even UK donors could change their minds later on, or make it very difficult for a young person to contact them...or even (awful thought) be very unfriendly when they are contacted.  This is one of the reasons why it is SO important that donors understand the long term implications of what they are doing and why money should not be their primary reason for donating. 
    Olivia

    Offline Yxx

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #108 on: 8/02/11, 12:03 »
    The more I've been thinking about starting to tell our DD, some things have started to concern me.  I have wondered how the donors remain contactable.  I'm assuming they don't have to by law inform the HFEA/clinic if they move address/change phone details?  What then if DD did want to actually ask if they could meet?  I'm hoping she won't be this curious and be happy to know that some kind lady heped us to create a much loved and wanted family.

    Also I have no idea if the donation limit of 10 applies to egg donation or is just limited to sperm donation.  Be hard to comprehend how many half siblings there could be out in the world somewhere if this limit doesnt apply.  We have put distance between clinic and home address in hope that the "meeting with a half sibling" situation doesn't happen that easily too.
     
    Am thinking of applying for the basic information I am allowed to have from HFEA as I know my donor got pregnant too but not whether she went on to have a baby.
     
    Lots to sort out methinks.
    Yxx

    Offline olivia m

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #109 on: 8/02/11, 12:24 »
    Hi Yxx
    Yes, there is a lot to think about.  Donors do not by law have to let the HFEA know when they change their contact details.  Young people, at 18 or when they choose to enquire after that, will be given a name and last known address.  As it currently stands the HFEA is saying they will attempt to get in touch the donor to let her/him know that an offspring is interested in being in contact and that they have been given their details.  However, no detail has been given as to what lengths the HFEA will be willing to go to in order to contact the donor...and indeed with the HFEA's future now being uncertain, who knows what another authority might or might not be prepared to do.

    With regard to the ten family rule, it does apply to egg donors but it is highly unlikely that an egg donor in the UK will have contributed to more than two or three families at maximum...plus her own children of course.  These latter children do NOT appear on the HFEA register, only children the donor contributed to making for someone else.

    You may be interested to know that donor conceived young people tend to be much more interested in half siblings than they are in their donor.  As I said above, the donor's own children will not appear on the register but if, for instance, your daughter chose to have contact with her donor then she might also have the opportunity to get to know the donor's child or children.  These links are being made formally and informally all the time now so it is helpful for parents to begin to adjust to the idea that a child might wish this sort of contact in the future.
    Olivia