* Author Topic: Telling the child and other people, Chat/Support thread  (Read 186194 times)

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Offline Spaykay

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Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #130 on: 30/04/11, 19:40 »
It's more EG's feelings towards her being donor egg concieved and new baby being concieved naturally that I'm worried about. She'll probably just take it as it is...but I don't want her to feel different in any negative way.
 
We also have 2 frozen embryos which I don't want to use and DH is worried EG will be upset that we destroyed her "siblings" I don't see it like this, but we will need to discuss this matter.
 
Kay xxx

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    Offline drownedgirl

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #131 on: 30/04/11, 19:43 »
    Back and realised your dc children are older than your natural pg

    I haven't yet broached the subjec of conception with the twins, IIRC with DS it was the 3/4 year mark where he asked questions and began to grasp it all so I expect it will be the same for them

    I do think for any children conceived via fertility treatments it is important to try to introduce the 'normal' way of doing things before medicalising it (am aware it probably doesn't work like that necessarily if you are a same sex couple or used a surrogate) but for me it has always been very easy and natural to talk of how they grew in my tummy (esp as I was recently pg again so they could see) and how they grew from a tiny seed until they were big enough to be born

    They all learn at nursery about seeds growing so they understand all that very well

    It is quite natural to drop in that they grew from an egg from mummy and a sperm from daddy if that was the case

    If not you explain that mummy and daddy (this isn't meant to assume anythng about other families btw, I am just recounting things I have said!) wanted to grow a baby but the little seeds couldn;t grow and in the end kind friend K said we could have some of her eggs and a doctor helped us by taking out some of her eggs to mix with daddies sperm and that made some tiny babies that then grew in mummies tummy ... and then talk about birth etc

    So I think when it comes up, what I will say is that first of all mummy did have eggs that used to grow and one grew into C but later on the eggs were too old and none of them would grow so we needed some help

    The issues that may seem important to us (dc children are only halfsibs to ds1, are also half sibs to friend/donor's children, only DS1 is genetically mine/related genetically to my family) are not particularly important to children  We may fear they will feel that they are more our less our children based on the genetics, but for small children I dont think the idea would even cross their mind

    Offline drownedgirl

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #132 on: 30/04/11, 19:50 »
    I doubt it will be an issue till much much later and will be one of many issues regarding identity and family that all young people grapple with

    I think if you have already mentioned the dc aspect then you could introduce the new baby quite straight fowardly

    "We never thought one of mummy's eggs would ever grow ... that's why we had to work so hard to get you... maybe mummy's eggs worked out what they were supposed to do after all, after you grew in my tummy and mummy's eggs decided they would try extra hard to turn into a tiny baby too! They wanted to make you a sister... we're so lucky we didn't need to get any help from a doctor this time or find a kind lady to give us her eggs"

    Offline drownedgirl

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #133 on: 30/04/11, 19:57 »
    I think the key will be to emphasise the commonality between the children

    The new baby is growing in mummy's tummy just like you did

    Mummy is making milk for the  baby just like she did for you (I do find all my big ones are a bit jealous at me bf edan)

    and when you discuss where babies come from then you can say about how a baby grows from an egg and a sperm and in some families they need some help making the eggs and sperms grow properly, or they need someone to give them some eggs or some sperm or both "and in our family we have made a baby both ways - we needed help to grow you and a doctor mixed daddy's sperm with an egg we were given... baby x was a BIG surprise because when we were having a special cuddle we never guessed that one of mummy's own eggs was waiting for daddy's sperm and decided to make a brother or sister for you!"

    Offline drownedgirl

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #134 on: 30/04/11, 20:02 »
    I think it will just flow

    and because you love E so much and are so positive about her origins, how could she detect anything negative in comparison with the new baby? She won't

    all parents who are pg with their second child feel guilty you know about how it will affect their first child, who has had all their love

    to have a second child on the way as a surprise wll exacerbate that because you didn;t make  a conscous decision to risk E's position as oly child and centre of your attention

    Add to that the donor/nondonor issue and it;s the icing on the cake really, i suspect!! But your feelings are totally normal for any mother pog with no 2

    x

    Offline Spaykay

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #135 on: 30/04/11, 20:16 »
    Thanks for your opinions! Part of our plan on talking about no.2 coming along was that she helped make baby no.2 as she made mummys body all cosy so that an egg could find it's way, or domething lilke that.....if she even asks!!!! DH worries about (and so do I) the comparisons of ooo, DD/S2 you have mummys eyes etc. (if they do!) But then, DD1 will have aspects of my personality, gestures etc etc and it's important for them to know that it's who they are, not who they take after that is important. I'm sure it will just flow when it comes to the time, I HOPE!

    Kay xxx

    Offline drownedgirl

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #136 on: 30/04/11, 20:35 »
    I think you may need to try to minimise well meaning relatives cooing over the baby in that way ... It is mostly with babies peoPle say things like that isn't it?

    PerhaPs you can create a family myth right now comparing e to daddy so she will never feel left out if the baby gets compared to you

    If there is no obvious physical similarity you can Probably make one up!

    Offline Spaykay

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #137 on: 30/04/11, 20:42 »
    Everyone says EG is identical to DH anyway! Not all family know so inapporopriate things have been said...they may have to be told! New one may look nothing like me anyway...if they're lucky! And they're bound to look a bit like EG in some way as they'll both have Daddy's genes.

    Kay xxx

    Offline drownedgirl

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #138 on: 30/04/11, 20:53 »
    I think try to create something like 'our family all has long toes' or something they can share

    In our case all our children do look similar ... Though de dd is also spitting image of donors dd but ds1 actually has a medical issue he gets from me ... And i feel quite bad about it as it affecting him at school

    I fear he may feel quite conscious of it as he gets older as the twins already show up as more 'normal' in areas where he struggles

    Offline Spaykay

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    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #139 on: 1/05/11, 13:26 »
    Thanks...much appreciated. I know we will make mistakes, get things right and be worried...but what parents don't eh!

    Kay xxx