* Author Topic: Telling the child and other people, Chat/Support thread  (Read 186222 times)

0 Members

Offline olivia m

  • Gold Member
  • *****
modify
Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #30 on: 20/10/10, 16:16 »
Hi Pink Cat
The My Story and Our Story books do not mention IVF and to be honest that's a topic that can be added/addressed once a child is a bit older.  These story books are really intended as a very first stage for young children, introducing them to the idea that sometimes mummies and daddies need some help to make a baby and a nice lady and/or a nice man were able to help.  How the sperm or the egg gets inside mummy can be explained later once the child is a bit older and starts asking questions.  There is a good book/CD rom called My Beginnings; A very special story by Tim Appleton that can be made into different versions and includes IVF.  Have a look at the Children's book section of our Library page on web site www.dcnetwork.org for info on how to get hold of this and other books for children.
I'm personally not so keen on the XY and Me books by Janet Grimes because of the use of animals rather than human beings, but they do cover a very wide range of scenarios.
Olivia

/links

FertilityFriends

  • Advertisement
  • ***

    Offline Bloofuss

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • Ma Boy
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #31 on: 21/10/10, 20:01 »
    Thanks Olivia for the information - how would we go about finding out information regarding the 1st recipient as no one at the clinic was forthcoming with this information at the start of treatment etc. So I just presumed we were not privi to this?? I did request info on  our donor and was given this (my special lady wrote some lovely words)

    Thanks
    Bloo x

    Offline olivia m

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #32 on: 21/10/10, 21:50 »
    Hi Bloo
    If the 1st recipient conceived and gave birth to a child you should be able to find out the gender and year of birth from the HFEA.  Emer O'Toole is the person responsible for Registry enquiries.  You will need to prove who you are by sending in your passport or other identifying document before they give you the information.
    I'm so glad you have some lovely words from your donor.  Egg donors tend to be better at this than sperm donors.
    Hope this helps.
    Olivia

    Offline elinor

    • Sr. Member
    • ****
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #33 on: 27/10/10, 11:19 »
    I am not sure if this is the right place to post, but I do plan to tell the child (as I am single I have to come up with some explanation for the lack of a father/ donor sperm part, so even if I were tempted to not 'come clean' about the donor eggs it seems foolish to tell a 'half-truth').
    I have also been open with it to all my family/ friends who know I am having treatment, so it would feel deeply wrong to me to then not be open with the person most concerned (when they arrive, when they are of an age to take the info on board, etc).
    I plan to get some books, and will be looking to see what the DCN library has/recommends for single women (or maybe just make my/our own).
     
    My current issue is that I had a midwife appointment yesterday (2nd so far) and, as at the first, I said up front that I had had IVF with double donor - and specified egg and sperm. The first midwife had not recorded this, so the second didn't know till I told her again. Yesterday they were taking bloods to do testing for screening (down's etc), where age is a factor, so I mentioned it, and told the midwife the age of the donor (28). She was very reluctant to record this, and kept asking if I was sure I wanted this to go on my notes, where other people could see it. I said I was happy for it to go on my notes (the clinic mentioned something to me about donor egg conceptions having an increased risk of pre-eclampsia - not hugely increased, but if it can affect the pregnancy then it makes sense to let the midwives etc know) and she was still reluctant to record it - asking if I was sure I wanted anyone who had access to my notes to read this? So, my question is:
    Are there genuine reasons I should be worried about recording it, or was it just a bit of an outdated attitude in one healthcare professional?
    Should I have kept it 'secret' so when I tell my child (in future years) the information is 'theirs' to tell others about, not 'mine'?
    Has anyone else come across this?
     
    Hope this isn't completely the wrong place for this - happy for any thoughts/ideas or comments to be shared.
    best wishes
    Elinor xx
     
     

    Offline suitcase of dreams

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #34 on: 27/10/10, 11:33 »
    Hi Elinor,
     
    I'm in exactly the same position as you, and I also plan to tell the child the full truth - my family and close friends all know that this was double donation. With colleagues, neighbours and acquaintances I have simply said that this is a planned pregnancy, that I went to a clinic and had fertility treatment (from which I am sure they all realise it was donor sperm as I'm single, but I have not gone into the donor egg side with people I know less well - really not their business tbh)
     
    I told my midwife everything at my first appointment and she recorded the basic information in my 'yellow book' (the notes I carry with me to all my appts) - ie. IVF pregnancy with sperm and egg donation. At my 12 week scan the sonographer read my notes, asked me for the age of the egg donor and I gave it to her. I am not sure if she recorded this somewhere - it's not in my yellow book, but I guess it will be at least somewhere on their computer system as it has been used to calculate the risk of Downs etc
     
    I can't see why it would matter if this information was on your notes. To be honest it can surely only be a good thing that the various health professionals have access to the 'full' information so that they don't need to ask unnecessary questions/run unnecessary tests (eg re your family history etc).  It's not as if your child will have access to your medical notes, and you will in any case have told them the story of their conception anyway, so it won't come as a shock or a surprise even if they did
     
    I can see your point about the information being your child's to tell, and that's why I have not told the full story to colleagues/acquaintances etc, only to close friends and family. The thing is, it's going to be quite a while before the child is old enough to make those choices for themselves (about who to tell etc) and in the meantime, as their parent, it's up to you to make those choices for them - and you can only do what you think is best
     
    I'd be interested to hear if anyone else can think of reasons why this sort of information should not go on medical notes.
    I'm of the view that honesty/total disclosure is the best policy when it comes to medical issues so that it leaves no room for problems/misdiagnosis/confusion etc etc...but if there are reasons why it's not a good idea, would be good to know now so I can take action!
     
    Suitcase
    x
     
     
     
     

    Offline pinkcat

    • Chat Quiz Tournament Winner 2012 !
    • VIP Member Sponsor
    • *
    • The cat's pyjamas
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #35 on: 27/10/10, 13:09 »
    Hi Elinor and Suitcase,
     
    Really interesting reading your posts about what to tell health professionals and what to have put in your notes. We used donor sperm and didn't tell the gp or midwife. I decided that unless it became relevent medically or they asked me directly then I just wouldn't mention it..... I did tell them I had IVF as I felt that it was relevent medically. I would never lie about it, it just hasn't come up yet. Anyway, I suppose the only reason I havn't mentioned it is that I just somehow didn't feel comfortable sharing that much information....I see it more of a family matter than a medical one.
     
    You both say you have used donor eggs as well so perhaps in that case it is more relevent medically to let them know for the down's screening etc. I can't think of any reason to worry about it being on medical notes (especially if you plan to tell the child), it's only professionals that get to see them and they are bound by confidentiality.
     
    I expect that at some point in the future I might need to tell the gp and that's fine, I'm just going to deal with that when it happens.
     
    Elinor- really like the idea of making your own book...hadn't thought of that before!
     
    olivia - thanks for the info on "my story" book, it's sounds like it would be helpful to use as a first stage. I don't think using bears rather than people by xy and me is a problem though.
     
    pinkcat

    Offline olivia m

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #36 on: 27/10/10, 13:43 »
    Hi Elinor
    I think you have come across a rather old fashioned member of the nursing profession as there seems no reason to me not to put information about donor conception on notes and particularly where egg donation is concerned as there are medical implications following this, particularly age of the donor for calculating risk of Downs etc.

    Re books, making your own is nearly always a lovely idea.  Only thing to be beware of is making sure it is not too much YOUR story.  This is the story of how your child came into being, not the story of the trials and tribulations of your treatment process...but I am sure you would be aware of this anyway.

    DCN is launching a brand new web site next month and on this will be the pages of a multi-faceted story book for children that can be personalised and then downloaded for many conception situations for single women and lesbians.  It certainly includes double and embryo donation, both in the UK and abroad.  Look out for it.
    Olivia

    Offline ♥ Mighty Mini ♥

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #37 on: 27/10/10, 15:30 »
    Elinor - congrats hun!  ^hugme^  I also think its an old fashioned MW you used! On my booking in appt it had a question on the form whether i used any donor. I actually said no as i knew the MW through friends and didn't realy want her knowing, not that it made any difference with using DS. I think its more important with DE as yes it can lead to PRe - eclampsia sometimes, and they need to know to calculate the downs test.
     
    THe hospital and any other medical profession who read it will not be fazed by it at all as long as you and the baby are ok, plus it is so common now to use a donor. The only person i told throughout my pg was the lady who was collecting the cord blood that we donated. I just didn't think it was anybodys business.

    Offline LiziBee

    • Mummy to miracles!
    • VIP Member Sponsor
    • *
    • Leicester Royal Infirmary
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #38 on: 27/10/10, 20:55 »
    OK, here's something to think about. I DID tell all the health professionals during my first pregnancy but NOT during my second. Why? Well as my cons for the TX was also looking after me during my pregnancy it seemed pretty silly not to be honest, but during my second PG the latest fertility law was going through parliment and there was a lot of talk about 'donor' being recorded on the birth certificates and I really didn't want that for my child so I kept completely quiet about it, to the best of my knowledge it is not recorded anywhere other than at HFEA and within the clinic. As it came about no one can make you record 'donor sperm' on your child's birth certificate if you don't want to so we would have been OK but at the time I wasn't prepared to take the risk. Anyway I don't think it changed anything about the way we were treated in either PG though obviously I don't have the donor eggs factor to consider.
    Lizi.x

    Offline olivia m

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    Re: Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #39 on: 27/10/10, 22:23 »
    Actually Lizi no-one can put information about a child being donor conceived on a birth certificate even if they want to as the motions to do this put forward during the review of the HFE Act were defeated.  However, the Department of Health DID say that they would be reviewing the policy on information on birth certificates within five years.  In this particular instance I think changes in Government and personnel within the Department, plus the climate of cuts in general will play to our advantage on this one.  What parents of donor conceived children put on the birth certificates of their children is not a priority at the moment.
    Olivia