* Author Topic: My path to a family with surrogacy  (Read 6379 times)

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Offline Diane72

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  • Malaysia, 2012
My path to a family with surrogacy
« on: 8/02/12, 23:35 »
I thought it would be useful for others considering surrogacy to share my journey so far. So a quick summary background to date.

I don't think anyone sets out on this journey thinking they will have to turn to surrogacy. I always wanted children and like many expected that once I met my soulmate that children would follow naturally. I don't think I assumed it would be easy as I had already been diagnosed with PCOS and had horrifically painful periods since my teenage years but I had no idea of the heartache and pain that was awaiting ahead.

Like most with fertility issues we probably tried naturally for too long, more than 3 years of ovulation predictor tests and whatever kind of natural fertility book you can think of. I remember when we finally embarked on the IVF journey looking at people on fertility friends who had done 4 or more rounds and thinking oh I don't think I could face that and yet here I am after 8 rounds of treatment. ARGC, CARE Nottingham, Herts & Essex, Serum , The Fertility & Gynaecology Academy, telephone consultations with Sher in Las Vegas, an expert in New York, I tried it all.

Nothing can prepare you for your first miscarriage, blissful happiness on getting a BFP, total naivity as my HCGs doubled strongly and then the shock and feeling like the world had ended when waking up surrounded in pools of blood just after 6 weeks. Then it happened again and again and again. Every time I tried something new-every kind of testing you can think of, higher doses of steroids, IVIG, intralipids, LIT aswell as the battery of clexane and progesterone support regimes. By the fifth miscarriage the 'hopelessness' really started to set in and my life was dominated by hysteroscopies, laparscopies, consultations in far off lands and anything to change the fate I had been dealt. I cried most days on the way to work and felt my smiles were an 'Oscar winning perfomance'. I dreaded every christmas, we longed for our happy ending but increasingly it seemed impossible.

After one christmas when a suspected ectopic led to continual monitoring over the festive period to see if I needed to go into hospital or not my sister said enough is enough-just transfer your embryo to me, this is crazy. My DH thought it was a good idea but I just couldn't accept I would never be able to carry my own child, never feel it growing inside me, never rubbing my tummy knowing my baby was snug inside. But at the same time I'd always had an instinct that my baby was waiting to come to be with me and I had to deal with my own feelings and put my unborn baby first. I turned to counselling and after another further miscarriage and two years of soul searching (and after my sister had another child of her own) a kind doctor in Athens where I had my 6th miscarriage said to me 'Diane sometimes it takes the love of more than two people to bring a special baby to this world'. A book called 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' (by Louise Hayes) gave me courage and as I had turned 38 I knew it was time to move on if I wanted to use my own eggs.

Stepping into the unknown is ALWAYS terrifying but we plunged in and hoped we'd swim to the top. We met some people who were incredibly supportive and empathetic along the way  (including people on fertility friends and CARE forums- I won't name names w/o permission but you know who you are-thank you!) but also some narrow-minded people that just didn't 'get it' (such as a health care professional at the hospital who said to me 'You won't run away with the baby will you as I would get in a lot of trouble'!! Like I would run away with my own biological child when she comes home with me once out of the hospital anyway!!).

My little girl, who is sleeping next to me in her Moses basket now, was born on 1st December, 2011 and when they handed her straight to me in the labour ward and I held her for the first time I was overcome with the most overwhelming sense of love and joy, instantly knowing that she was all ours and I would protect her for the rest of her life. No words can do justice to the phenomenal surge of motherly love I felt when feeling her skin next to mine. I can honestly say every second of every minute of every day and every sleepless night I cherish and have so much love for her. All the pain of the last several years, I would do ten times over for my precious, special miracle daughter.

So where are we now? We have submitted all the parental order paperwork and have had our first court hearing and are now waiting for the parental order reporter to get in contact before the second hearing. I am looking forward to all this legal stuff being finished, we have waited so long to just be a family and I so want to just have it all finished and move on.


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    Offline Diane72

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    • Malaysia, 2012
    Re: My path to a family with surrogacy
    « Reply #1 on: 9/02/12, 00:00 »
    Here is the poem I wrote just after my first miscarriage. It is what gave me the will to take those first few steps after each miscarriage and to keep on fighting when it felt like all the odds were against us.

    'Dear Mummy'

    Dear Mummy, I know you are sad today,
     I have heard you crying so many times,
     I see your heart is breaking,
     You have shut out the world, turned off the lights,
     I know the pain you feel inside is unbearable,
     Screaming at Daddy, pushing him away will not help.
     God told me today, mummy is crying for my tiny baby brother,
     He told me that you felt life was no longer worth living,
     That you feel you can't go on, all energy gone, 
     I saw you lying in bed, unable to talk,
     The Angels told me you were the saddest you have ever been,
     That you just want to sleep and never wake up.
     But Mummy, I am waiting here, waiting for my turn,
     I need you Mummy, I need you to be strong,
     God told me that I can come to you, but first Mummy needs to get better,
     What about me Mummy? Won't you smile for me?
     Tomorrow is a new day, will you spend some time thinking of me,
     I too long to be in your arms, to be held for the first time.
     Dear Mummy, promise me you will try,
     I have heard what God and the Angels had to say,
     I know you are sad, I know you will miss the other baby,
     But please give me a chance,
     Let tomorrow be my day, the day Mummy thought of me,
     I love you Mummy.

    Offline Diane72

    • Gold Member
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    • Malaysia, 2012
    Re: My path to a family with surrogacy
    « Reply #2 on: 26/04/12, 20:34 »
    Legally Parents!!!!

    I am pleased to say that 5 months after Iona our miracle was born and nearly 7 years of at  times the deepest depths of despair and heartbreak we are FINALLY legally parents!!!

    Someone once told me that the greatest sadness in this world was caused by people thinking they were at the end of their story when in fact they were only half way through. At times all felt hopeless and I truly thought I was at the end of my story, broken and no longer able to carry on but our story proves there can be happy endings just keep putting one foot in front of the other!!!!