* Author Topic: Our new journey is starting today  (Read 7874 times)

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Offline SIBI

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Our new journey is starting today
« on: 7/04/13, 10:21 »
Dear Diary,
I am Italian, nearly 35, living and working in the UK since 2005. I have the most amazing husband in the world (being together for 10years and married for nearly 2).
We have been trying to have a baby since 2009 and we have not been lucky yet. We have been through our 3rd failed attempt in the last 2 months, all through NHS. We strongly believe at this stage that I might have a problem with my lining and implantation as our little embryos are beautiful and some hatching at the time of the ET so the reason seems just there to be investigated but NHS doesn't seem to care.
After lots of investigation we have been convinced that ARGC will be our next step. There is no point to keep having free treatment with NHS when they actually don't treat your case as unique and this whole process is just ending up destroying you as a person (I have been doing counselling for the last 2 years). So we have completed the forms yesterday, wrote down a step by step diary for them of all we have been through, cycle by cycle and starting saving the money we will need to go through the whole process.
I once read a beautiful poem from a fertility friend and I will attach it below:
"This is the story of a very special airport my lovely husband made up for me, years ago now. It "tells" the story of our struggle to conceive, the babies we lost along the way but also... most importantly, the joy of our sons being born when their flight finally landed safely.

During the 'black days' as I called them, my husband would tell me about the airport and I would laugh, cry and smile listening to him, as he tried his best to fix my broken heart while his was just as broken. When we were pregnant and I would worry myself sick about our babies arriving safely, he would remind me of that special plane in the sky with its precious cargo on board, all snuggled up and sleeping as they flew through the night. I could picture the lights flashing on the wings as the plane got closer and closer...

This is what my husband told me;
I hope you enjoy the story as much as I have.......
************************************************
He tells me to close my eyes and picture an airport in Heaven, a very special airport. Its where all the babies waiting to be born gather, so they can catch their flight to their Mammy and Daddy.

In the departure lounge its mad busy. Flights, full with babies are leaving constantly. Yet there are some little mites who have been here a long time and it seems the airline has forgotten about them!

There's one little guy who has been waiting here ages. So long that sometimes he can't help feel afraid that he's never going to get home. He watches the screens to see when the next flight to Dublin is, and is forever asking the staff if he is next.

When he is tired he falls asleep in one of the plastic chairs and uses his little bag as a pillow. His little luggage consists mainly of toys, nappies, babygros and a giant Toblerone bar for his Mammy that he bought in Duty Free. He's dying for a piece of it but he's keeping it for his Mammy as a little present.

Sometimes he gets excited and thinks they have called his flight number but they haven't and he gets disappointed that its not yet his turn.

Sometimes he just stares out the window at the runway, watching all the planes take off and sheds a few private little tears. He can hear some of the other babies laughing and cheering as their flight number is called and although he is delighted for them, he wishes he was going to. He sits with the other babies who have been waiting a long time, even much, much longer than he has.

Then came the glorious day when all his dreams came true and they did call his flight number! He grabbed up his little bag, the giant Toblerone and his plane ticket. He couldn't believe his turn had finally come! It was so wonderful that he even asked his little buddies beside him if he was dreaming, and if he was, they weren't to wake him up!

Well, the little fella didn't need to be called twice! He got himself first in the queue and soon as he was allowed, he ran down the little tunnel to the aeroplane. He wiped a tear from his eyes as he spotted the little green shamrock on the tail of the plane, just before he stepped on board. A green shamrock... this plane was going to take him to Ireland... and Ireland was home. He wondered how excited his Mammy and Daddy must be, waiting for his plane to land. He knew they would have his little bedroom all ready for him.

He was too excited to be nervous about the flight. He held his breath as the plane took off. “This is it!” he thought. I'm on my way!!!”

But...it seems some prayers are destined to remain unanswered... no sooner was the plane cruising in the air when the stewardesses announced that the plane had to turn back to the airport and let all the little passengers off. Something about a technical fault...

The disappointment of this was heart-breaking for the little guy-he just wanted to get on a plane and go meet his Mammy for the first time. Why was this so hard???

With a heavy heart he made his way back into the airport terminal with the other babies. In the departure lounge there is a Karaoke machine and its become a bit of a ritual when a flight is cancelled, that the little babies make their way into the lounge for a soda and cheer themselves up with singing some Karaoke. Apparently "Don't stop believing" by Journey is their favourite karaoke song! They also love "Living on a prayer'.

But when a flight has been cancelled there is only one song that will dry the tears and fill the hearts with hope and cheer again.. 'I knew you were waiting for me'....

The little guy tries to stay in good form but it isn't always easy and sometimes he gives out to the staff saying "My Mammy has been waiting ages for me! I'm next in the queue!"

Then... one wonderful day, not too long after, they call out his name again...
He can't believe it. He rubs his little eyes and goes up to join the queue, not running this time. His tiny hand still holds the plane ticket which says his Mammy’s name and the Rotunda Hospital. The writing is starting to smear cos he's been holding it so long in his sweaty little fist. His little legs are shaking. He knows that at any moment they can shatter his dreams by telling him he cannot fly today. As he steps onto the plane, his little heart is pounding with excitement! He can't believe it! He's finally on board again.

The plane is full of rows of happy babies, all settling down for their long journey which will end when they meet their Mammy and Daddy in October. Then all of a sudden, as he approaches his seat he realizes some other little dude is sitting in it!!!

Their tickets are identical!

So he puts his little bag overhead and snuggles up with his new brother. He's overjoyed to have a little buddy for the journey. They chat to the other babies beside them, telling anyone who will listen that they are on their way to Dublin in Ireland to meet their Mammy!!! They are 27 weeks into the flight, there was a scare on board. The pilot thought he would have to make an emergency landing. My 2 little babes held onto each other tightly but it was a false alarm. The plane was back on track in no time. All the little babies broke out in a huge round of applause. Soon they start to see beautiful green fields they are over Ireland... and Ireland is home. The little guys catch their breath as they take it all in... "we're over Ireland!"

We're nearly home now...

In their dreams they hear their Mammy sing to them;
"Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness I found my strength
All in the eyes of my boys....."

The plane touches down at Dublin Airport to cheering and applauding from all the little babies. ”.

They pull up outside the Rotunda and put enough money into the machine for an hour or two. This caesarean won't take too long... they take a deep breath, grabs the giant Toblerone and rushes to Theatre One...

They look up to see a smiling face looking down at them. Their little noses are kissed a thousand times. They fall asleep contentedly in her arms within minutes, so happy. This is the lady they have seen in their dreams...their Mammy... they are finally home...

Meanwhile back at the airport, it is as busy as ever...."

Today I feel like our journey is starting again and I am very confident we are doing the right thing.
We love each other so much and the only thing we really miss in our life is having our little miracle with us: in a year time (or so) I wish to get him/her finally landing in our arms and wish our love and life could continue through him/her forever.

S.

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    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #1 on: 17/04/13, 22:04 »
    Dear diary,
    Sorry if it has taken so long for me to come back but it has been such an intense week. I have not told you that for this year "IVF FET last try" we have decided to spend our first Easter break in the Uk, far away from our lovely family. Either way, BFN or BFP,we thought it would have been better to be on our own - too stressful to fly if BFP (I hate flying) and too sad to smile and entertain relatives if BFN. However this meaning that I haven't seen my mum who lives on her own, completely alone, in a small town close to Rome and suffers of senile dementia early stage. Not to mention that Monday was her birthday and I was feeling terrible not to spend any time with her at all. Anyway, to cut the story short thanks to my super amazing husband we have managed to find a flight - kind of last minute - taken 2 days off work, and jumped on a plane destination Rome! Well, just wanted to say that it has been such a lovely week end, that we had so much quality time with mum but that it keeps killing me any time I say goodbye. So I'm now back in the UK, with this horrible sense of emptiness, guilt and sadness, with my DH tired to keep seeing me sad and with my life starting again with this never ending search of happiness. Asking myself if I will ever have kids who will be able to love me as much as I love my mum or if my life is just signed by the fact that my destiny is to take care of my mum and not of my own kids. In the last two years I've accepted the idea of going through counselling,  moving from normal counselling to hypnotherapy but it looks like I keep coming back to this same stage, over and over and over.
    Today I've read a quote " the problem is not a problem, the problem is the way you approach and manage your problem" and this is so true - it's just so hard to focus on the positives sometimes, and loose your mind with the things that don't work in your life...
    I wish I could find someone who could help me to switch the light on, just more often than now.
    A very good night my dear diary and hope tomorrow will be a better day
    S.

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #2 on: 6/05/13, 14:17 »
    Dear Diary,
    What a great bank holiday week end! We finally managed to go back home and see our family - we are so blessed as we have the best family in the world!
    The weather has been considerably good, very warm and we've managed to have our first barbecue of the season - of course my mind is always with my little angel, that sooner or later we'll be able to join us and enjoy the love we can all share with him/her but for this time I've tried to focus on the good things we already have.
    Oh, I think I forgot but we got the confirmation for our appointment - 24/05, just 18 days from now...can't wait! I've already asked copy of my medical history to the hospital, liaised with the GP to have all the blood test that our new clinic is requiring and trying not to think too much and just let the time go..we are getting closer!!
    From a super excited me,
    Lots of love and let's catch up soon...next week I'll be turning 35..it will be a tough one   >:(
    S.

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #3 on: 10/05/13, 18:57 »
    Dear Diary,

    Starting to get a little bit of excitement back - two weeks from today and we'll be having our appointment at THE CLINIC. I finally got my period today and tomorrow I will be having my blood tests done so hopefully by the 24th we'll have more info to share with THE DOCTOR! I strongly hope they will be changing our life so I deeply hope they will be the ONES for us   ^reiki^

    S.

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #4 on: 23/05/13, 21:50 »
    Dear diary,
    I'm back and in way one or another, we've finally arrived to the 24th!
    So what has happened in the last few weeks? Mainly one thing, I've turned to 35 and instead of enjoying my birthday I've felt so miserable and depressed, just thinking about what we don't have, instead of focusing on the beautiful things that we are lucky enough to have. I've also asked myself a thousand times if it's the case to go through this new journey and I definitely found the assertive answer in my heart.
    So dear diary, tomorrow is the BIG day and hopefully we'll be able to open again our door to hope!
    Stay with me...more news in less than 24h :)
    Xxx

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #5 on: 24/05/13, 23:10 »
    Dear Diary,
    What a great day :)

    Got at the clinic just on time, we were then welcomed by a lovely and smily receptionist - half an hour to complete our forms and we were then sitting with one of the consultants.  She has been amazing, very clear and extremely competent. We sat with her for an hour and we defined the next steps together. We'll now need to come back in two weeks for some extra tests, most importantly the immune test which gets sent to Chicago. Then we should be ready to take a decision (either FET using the NHS frozen embryos or complete new fresh cycle). We have not met Dr T yet but learned that he will be supervising all the procedures for us, as he actually does for every other patient of the clinic. Overall we left absolutely satisfied, feeling extremely safe as we strongly believe that we have finally landed in good hands, where everybody will take care of us treating our case as unique. Such a wonderful feeling.

    The most impressive thing of the clinic was that when you get inside you are welcomed in the hall by lots of frames covering all the walls, with all the pictures of lovely babies - it's such a motivating message! When we got in I admit I was more scared than excited, scared to go back again through everything with the high risk of another unsuccessful result however by the time we left, I felt I gained my hope again. These people have been amazing as they have managed also to properly cope with our feelings, being very sympathetic and supportive .

    Can't wait for next step,
    Xxx

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #6 on: 14/06/13, 18:46 »
    Dear Diary,
    I’ve just realised that I’ve not been writing for some time. So what has happened so far?
    We had to go back for some blood test which we did and we were told the results should have come back in three weeks or so. So we were expecting them for the beginning of July or end of June.
    But today, around 4pm, I got the call and the results were back:
    NK=15 (should be max 10)
    TNF=37 (should be max 31)
    I was suggested to take Humira injections and informed about all side effects. As I’m having my day 10 to 14 scan done on 25th June, they told me that we can wait until then to decide.
    So - I hang up the phone. And I start crying. And I cry, I cry, I cry and I cry again. I feel so fragile nowadays. This endless waiting loop is destroying me. But thank goodness my DH is with me, to comfort me and re-direct me on the sanity road. So I stop crying and start thinking. And I eventually realise that ARGC has been probably able to tell me, with just one exam, the reason why we have not been able to conceive in the last four years. Well done to our investment. And they are also providing a potential solution to that – so why am I crying? Suddenly I remember I have this wonderful book suggested to me by a FF – the D. Beer book. So I find it and we have a quick look into that and then we start browsing on the web and what comes out is that this Humira is really helping out women like me and we cannot find anything strongly against it.
    So now I’m feeling better – very tired and with a huge headache but with a plan – I will read the book and get more info, in order to be able to take a decision by the 25th. The main concern is that we don’t want to do anything that could hurt my health but we still and strongly want our own child, the perfect combination of me and DH, the prove on earth that we existed and we deeply loved each other.
    So while at the beginning I felt for a second that our journey was over, now I feel stronger and convinced that we are finally getting our good chance to have a child.
    Sun has also come out and now that we know more, we should be able to plan the next few months a little bit better.
    Maybe tonight I will go for a run – that really helps to remove the negative thoughts and regain energy and strength.
    Good night and good week end  :)
    S.

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #7 on: 9/07/13, 22:38 »
    Dear Diary,

    How long has it been since my last catch up? I get so lazy sometimes ;)

    So, the last update was that my levels were too high and I was recommended to take humira. So I did. Well, at least I've booked the order with the recommended courier and delivery is planned for the end of July.

    I've also gone for my scan and tuberculosis blood test and everything is all right.
    Me and DH have planned a nice break on the beach for this week so that's why we are not getting Humira until the end of the month as we have also tried to plan each step of that and ensure we are going to be home by the time we have to do the injections and blood test. So first Humira will be on 26/27 july, then the second in 2 weeks from there and the next blood test will be done in 3 weeks from the second injection, so 5 weeks from the first one.
    So yes, fear and doubts have gone - not because we are not scared or dubious anymore but because we have just opted to trust the clinic, otherwise we would not be with them..no?!

    In the meantime however something else has changed - so, I'm managed to make my life more complicated. Sometimes when you wait for your baby for such a long time, and you start thinking about what you have achieved so far, you loose track of your successes and you just focus on something that you currently classify as un successful. So after my freak out in 2011 (when the stress of the IVF drove me to change job, get overly stressed, resign from the new place and become unemployed for the first time..but has also removed lots of stress from me that has helped me out to have my first IVF in a no-work-stress mood) I've stepped down, moved to contracting and back to analyst kind of job. So after doing this for a year, failing in the meantime other 2 IVFs and still not knowing when and what exactly next, I've realised that I cannot sacrifice my whole life waiting in an apathy state for my angel to finally arrive , but I need to do more, to keep my mind busy and feel good with myself again. So, after few interviews, I've just been told this week that I got my dream job and I will be moving, in the same company from my project to another one on 12/08. Of course I told them about my future time off (not sure when but I'm planning to take my month of cycle as time off to get stressful time again, especially given the cost and time consuming of cycling with ARGC) but still this is now causing me ...lots of stress. Stress of failing again in my new job, as done before. Failing to meet their expectation, as I will need time off for my final IVF. Nevertheless, failing to have a baby with this cycle because of the work stress. I definitely know this is just fear and I'm currently having CBT session to regain the ability to think positively and stop negative loops. But for now it's just hard to be happy for the new job, just much easier to get stressed. ^idiot^

    Anyway, hope this beach holiday will help - it has been though time in the last few years, nobody who has not tried the ivf stress, cannot judge nor understand what we and our family go through, the curve of ups and downs, the constant emotion and disappointment.

    Well, dear diary - let's catch up soon and in the meantime I'll do my best to relax
    Xxx

    Offline SIBI

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    Re: Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #8 on: 22/07/13, 22:37 »
    Dear Diary,

    Our holiday has been amazing – nothing extraordinary in terms of location but wonderful time together. Ohh… how much we need some time together now and then. You don’t realise how much you get absorbed by your work and various problems, until you go away and you manage to switch off from anything.

    Anyway, as soon as I got back to London I discovered that another friend has managed to get pregnant – so happy for her but so terribly sad for me...just few words to screw up ten days of lovely break  :'(

    Nevertheless this week I am feeling much better, more positive... even managing to ignore the bombarding news on any possible channel about the royal baby…even with my mum constantly asking me what I was wishing him/her to be…come on mum, if you just knew what I have been going through probably you would avoid asking me these silly questions…if I could just share this with you or with anyone else in the family…but I know that I can’t, it would not help me and probably it would depress you too..so definitely not worth it

    Nowadays I have my own “Charlie’s angels” – S., my CBT therapist who is helping me to change my pessimistic behaviour and learn a new way of self-believing; L., my hypnotherapist who has given me the strength over the last attempt to keep fighting and who has been with me in the last year, relieving a little bit of pain out of my husband. And finally O., my acupuncturist who is bringing me lots of relaxation.

    I feel so lucky – if I think to myself two years ago at this time, I nearly felt my life was falling apart, no more job, not clear path on the IVF, confronting my personal ghosts for the first time…and now here I am, totally aware of my ghosts and working to slowly make them disappear, starting the next IVF with one of the best clinics in the world, with a new job around the corner and able to afford my “charlie’s angels”. I might not have a manicure, a massage or often go to the hairdresser but I think this spiritual pampering is actually much more useful for me.

    Four days more to wait for the Humira..I will keep you updated..good night xx

    Offline SIBI

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    Our new journey is starting today
    « Reply #9 on: 19/08/13, 11:09 »
    My dear diary,

    It has been so long since the last time I wrote on here. The fact is that things are going slowly with the ivf so I guess it's normal I don't find myself constantly searching the web for answers ;) 

    Anyway, so far so good. First Humira done on the 26/07 - no side effects, at all; second one on the 10/08 - nothing special to record (except for moderate pain when injecting, mainly driven by the liquid). Periods have been now quite regular and shorter than before (every 28dd vs 35dd) and for the first time in ages I had dark spots during ovulation this month.  This time, being under Humira, we thought we might try detecting ovulation and we gave it a try..actually two ;) Of course we think nothing is going to happen as we believe that the problem is not just my immune system, but why not? This morning we even chatted about the first time we tried without protections (nearly four years ago), thinking that something was going to happen next...how naive were we? And how far have we gone since then? OMG - I feel like I could write a book by now ;)

    Anyway the blood test will be on the 02/09 and we'll move on from then.

    In the meantime I've started my new job and discovered that from Jan, lots of travelling will be involved - my DH is helping me lots, not to stress for something that has not happened yet. Of course my priority is my IVF but for now I can cope with work so it will be fine until they confirm a proper plan, both ways - my boss and the clinic. Hopefully, by then my boss will appreciate me more for the job done and we'll manage to find a compromise to enable me to follow the project from London. If not, it won't be the end of the world and I will find something else, later on.

    In this moment I am on the plane, coming back home as my grandfather has passed away. My DH will join in a few days. The lesson I've been learning in the last four years is that I am so lucky to have found such a wonderful man in my life, the best DH I could have ever dreamed of. I could not imagine my life without him and I really hope my grandfather, with the other relatives who are already in heaven, will protect us, take care of our angel who is waiting to join us and eventually send her/him to us as soon as possible, as we really deserve him/her. From the sky to the sky, this is my pray for you, dear grandad - RIP..now you know why we did not make you 'gran grandad' in life - sorry for that ;( but hopefully you will be able to meet your 'gran grandchildren' before us ;)