Ab's rocky road to parenthood

[even]

I've read the guidance post on what Treatment Diaries part of the forum is for, I hope I will be able to post here or somewhere similar, although my treatment diary will be a bit different from the average one 
Can't even write down some of the most important things about it but in my defence of my weird tx diary I can say that I have actually had some tx.  Went abroad twice, first time the clinic messed it up, second time they messed it up again but I basically lost my job in order to stay out there for longer to sort out the mess - guess what, didn't work.
Since then things have got worse really - I'm now so homeless that I can't even tx.
So that's going to be the start of my tx diary from today - if you read books like The Baby Making Bible, you'll see that part of their tx model is to get the woman (and man if there is one on the scene) to a place in life where they feel more relaxed so conception is more likely to happen.  Ever since my homeless situation worsened, I've had to switch back a few steps in my tx plan, ie get somewhere to live first so I can chill a bit, laying a good foundation for next IUI.
So my diary for the time being will probably be about how I feel about things, and what practical steps are happening.
In order to get a house where I live I need to sell or rent my existing house, which is miles and miles away.
The housing market is so inefficient that it seems like renting is more likely to happen, but I am scared of renting as it seems there is no way to eliminate all the risks involved, and I'm already so stressed out from a lifetime of hassle through no fault of my own.

Before it can be rented, money needs spending on the gas and electric to make them safe, and I also need to chase down a couple of housing associations that might be interested in it for buying or renting.  So they are my next tasks, I'll report back on progress if I get chance.

Thanks FF for all the help you provide in so many different ways xxxxx
luv n luk
ab

[FertilityFriends]

[even]

ok so i can rpt that housing associations have all been contacted
gas assessor replied to
will get electrics rpt this evening and action

sometimes i just have to remind myself that FF is full of ppl that waited as long as i have (and some even longer) to become parents and that i shouldn't give up hope.

thanks
ab xxx

[even]

Day 2   

electrician contacted
rental agreements on desk to read today after work
weds am i will phone all 5 contractors/housing organisations etc.
My to do list has spiralled slightly out of control so some intense pruning is about to commence, whilst most people sun themselves in this weather 
Thinking of beautiful places overseas in order to get me through.
OK, brain in gear to do the pruning
ab x

[even]

sometimes, thinking about not having children and what I'm going to have to go through is too much, it gets me down so it gets in the way of me making progress towards that goal.
At the weekend I went out with some friends, one of whom is in the process of adopting, which had always been my original plan.  She's so far through the process now, it just makes me wonder what the point is of ttc.
Sometimes I wish I could write truthfully what I feel.

[even]

test
ok, so today i need to do some serious thinking about my house and the.  I thought I'd get another chance to sell it by switched to agents that do better letting agreements, turns out they don't and i'm stuck with the agent i'm with!  So now i don't know what to do.  Yesterday tho, i had a kind-of epithany about changing my mindset towards all this stuff....

[even]

Waiting, waiting, waiting - how much more waiting will I have to do in my life when I've done so much already?

I'm waiting now until, hopefully only tomorrow, but if I hear nothing tomorrow, I will be waiting until Tues morning to phone and see if I'm going to be able to sell my house. 

[even]

well, here i am again on my own, walking down the only road i've ever known 

moved on to ivf now, long story, and coming on to here and finding no one in chat is becoming an all-too regular occurance

luv n luk
ev

[even]

another day with too many things on the to do list, and not enough time off work
had a weird day yesterday
hungry, no food in the house
too cold to go out
joy all round 
my body's hunger is overcoming my body's need to be warm
ev

[even]

got that special kind of inertia that's linked to the horror of childlessness and the stress of tx today.  Going to...........try and do something useful in a bit