Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!

[Michimoo]

4am just been to my "wake me up from my sleep wee". Started lightly spotting.
Do I wait until I'm heavier or shall I call the EPU?

I'm not crying but I feel very sad.

No DH as he's in Greece to share this sad news with.
Sitting in my bedroom sharing my news with you guys.
My extended family. My sanity & support through all of this.

[FertilityFriends]

[Michimoo]

So that concludes things then doesn't it? I am either categorically the unluckiest person going.
OR
I'm a failure as a woman.

I can't even hold on to any of my little miracles & nurture them. They don't want to grow inside me & meet their Mother. They just want to go to heaven for me never to kiss their precious faces.

4 babies! 4 angels who would rather be somewhere else than growing inside me.

What is the point anymore?
I'm a useless piece of walking junk.

I'm that doll that's sits on the defect pile & should've been thrown away. But someone accidentally put me back in the box & my parents bought me to start my life.
I feel sorry for them. They are desperate for grandchildren & all I can give is broken promises.
I'm not fit for purpose.
I shouldn't be here trying to be a woman because I was meant to be thrown away.

Triplets & not one trying to fight. What does that say about me as a woman?

I give up!

[Michimoo]

The spotting stopped as soon as it started yesterday, which was strange. One way to totally mess with your head.

I finally got out of my dark place after watching the brain numbing TOWIE then I Got in a long hot shower.

Spent the rest of the day sofa surfing because I kept having severe cramping & I was too worried about being far from a toilet just in case.

Nothing happened but I did sleep on a dark towel last night as a precaution.

Off to my private scan on my todd this morning. But before that I'm off for my monthly waxing session.
If that doesn't pop the little blighters out when I flinch then maybe there is hope? 

On a serious note though I am stupidly hoping that I still see a baby today on the screen. Am I just  Or what? 

[Michimoo]

I am Bridget Jones in the next stage of her life!
Jeez!
Ok so I go for my waxing & my waxing lady tells me that she & her husband are separating. So I spent the whole time on all fours & with my foo foo out counselling her. There she is ripping my hairs out & the more she talks about it the quicker the rips become. She starts complaining saying how angry she is with him, then....... Rip! There goes my hair!  I needed to talk to her to try & calm her down as she was starting to take it out on my poor foof!
She said she felt better for talking to me & hoped my life was ok? I just nodded & smiled & said everything was fine & I gave her a hug when I left & said I was here if she needed to talk!  What am I doing?
I did walk off like John Wayne to my car.

Anyway .......... Then I needed to get to my scan. It suddenly dawned on me when I was driving that I needed a full bladder. I detoured past a shop & got what must have been the COLDEST bottle of water going. (Should've put it between my legs for a bit)
I'm driving down the road frantically swigging this bottle. By the time I had got to the scanning place I was shivering!
Then obviously I had to strip & I was absolutely freezing. Unfortunately my bladder wasn't full enough so I had to empty it & prepare for the internal scan. I was so cold my legs were jumping up & down in the frog position with dildo cam up me!
It was a nightmare. I was desperately trying to think of warm things. Beaches, hot tea, Sunshine, but nothing was changing things. I looked like I had some twitchy tick in my legs!

Anyway the scan showed 3 empty sacs measuring at only 5 1/2 weeks.
She said that because of the small size she thinks that's why the hospital want to leave it.

To top it off I have corpus luteum cysts on both ovaries. So it looks like I ovulated from both sides that month & one of them has split.

No wonder I've got pains. Flipping eck it doesn't rain it pours!

Right I'm off to my acupuncturist now to see of he can disperse my cysts & maybe help to get this miscarriage on the move.

The sonographer said it's really not looking good but maybe I've got my dates wrong?
Unfortunately I only had sex with DH for 1 week whilst I was in Greece looking for properties. There is no way I ovulated at the end of my cycle as I had no access to sperm!

Unless ............... I've been impreganted by the invisible man in my sleep, hence why I'm having invisible babies? Well there's a thought & actually the only logical explanation at the moment! 

[Michimoo]

After feeling pretty miserable all weekend & cramping on & off I decided to put my dusty acting skills to use this Monday morning.
I called the hospital first thing & said I was in pain. I'd been cramping all weekend, paid for a private scan to find I had cysts on both ovaries. I have 3 empty sacs & generally feel unwell. I cannot wait till the end of the week to be seen & could I please have an earlier appointment?
The grumpy lady on the phone got stroppy because i'd had a "private scan", but eventually offered me a midday appointment tomorrow which I snapped up.
So tomorrow we will now find the ultimate outcome of this pregnancy.

I'm going on my own so will probably feel pretty poop & judging by grumpy b0ll0ks I'm not expecting the sweet, kind natured service I received last miscarriage.

I'm also expecting, as my appointment overlaps their lunch hours, that I will be in there a very long time! 

[Michimoo]

Off to the hospital shortly. I'm going to try & get there early to see of that pushes me up the queue at all.
I spoke to my friend last night & said I felt guilty that I'd laid on the cramp pain. To which my friend promptly replied ....... One word :- Appendix! Oh yeah I said & laughed.

Basically when I was 24 I had a rupturing appendix which I put down to bad period pains for 24 hours. I was on the phone phone to my friend saying how awful I felt & 24 hours later I was I the emergency operating theatre!

So my friend decided to remind me that I do have a strong pain threshold & any other person would've probably called at the weekend anyway!

I decided that maybe she was right & I should accept that I felt poop all weekend.

Do you know how silly I am? I am still hoping one has miraculously appeared in the sac & was just hiding. Or all 3, how amazing would that be?
Hmmmmm I know it's stupid but until I get the final news I won't believe that a miracle couldn't happen.
I am preparing myself for the inevitable but it'll still going to be hard to hear.

I'll more than likely update once I'm sitting in the sad waiting room.

Better get ready to go then ......

[Michimoo]

I don't know where to begin?

This is going to be the longest post ever, so I hope you join me on my journey.

I will start by saying that for half an hour on Tuesday could well of been one of the worst days of my life so far!

So let's start the long tale .........

I spoke to my Mum in the morning who said she would come & pick me up after her class so I needed to get a taxi to the hospital. Knowing how long the wait usually is we decided that she would probably get there prior to the scan anyway.
I decided to get to the hospital a little earlier than the appointment as with EPU it's a first come first serve system. Being lunchtime it's normally very busy with poor ladies coming in from 9am. So I knew by my midday appointment I'll be lucky to get a seat in the waiting room.
I walked in & it was eerily quite. Only 3 couple's waiting. It then dawned on me it's half term this week.
Isn't it funny how because it's a school holiday all of a sudden the hospital emergency clinics are quite?
I went to have my blood pressure checked by the nurse & I walked past the lovely Senior nurse that was so kind to me on my last miscarriage.
She said how sorry she was I was here again.

I sat back in the waiting room feeling a great comfort that now this Nurse is on shift then hopefully things will get resolved today.
I looked around the waiting room & realised that now there was only one couple in front of me.
Wow! This appointment is going very fast. I better text my Mum.
She responded & said she was on her way & at that precise moment I got called for my scan.

This is where the nightmare begins ...........

It was a large South African Lady who advised that they would be going straight for an internal scan today. Off came the knickers & I lay in the dildo cam position.
She found the 3 sacs which were now of equal size & clear as day all 3 were completely empty.
She swished the camera around & around & then started making some strange grunting noises. Which unfortunately turned into words.

Here goes the conversation:

Sonographer: Hmmmmmm this is interesting. It's very unusual. I've not had one single straightforward scan today. All you ladies are abnormal!
She then taps me on the leg.
Sonographer: Not that I'm saying you're abnormal, but you know what I mean? Actually I tell I lie, I've had one that was normal. The rest of you have complications.
I'm now lying there thinking what complications? But she doesn't give me time to speak because she continues to waffle on whilst looking at the scan & moving dildo cam around.
Sonographer: These sacs are completely empty. I can't see a baby in any of them I'm sorry. Is this a natural pregnancy?

Me: Yes.

Sonographer: They are a very unusual shape. They should be more rounded & yours have a slightly oval pull to them. You should also see a white outline to pregnancy sacs & these don't at all. Well this one does slight but it doesn't go all the way round. Are you sure you are pregnant?

WTF?

Me: Yes my HCG level was at 8000 over a week ago. I've not had it tested since but yes I'm pregnant why?

Sonographer: Oh! Well they just don't look like pregnancy sacs. It's very interesting.
Hmmmmm let me just look over to the ovaries. Wait a minute, your endometrium is very thin. You can't be pregnant & certainly not with three. This endometrium wouldn't be able to hold 3 sacs. Have you had any bleeding?

Me: No!

Sonographer: Well I'm not a Doctor, so we will just have to see what the Doctor is going to do next. Oh look you have a corpus cyst on the right hand side.

Me: I know and on the left.

She moves dildo cam.

Sonographer: Oh yes so you do! Wow these sacs are really high up in the cavity. It's very unusual to have a pregnancy implanted that high up. All three of them have gone up there. You don't have a tilted uterus do you?

Me: No!

Sonographer: Well this is all very interesting. Hmmmmmm ok well pop your knickers back on & go & sit in the waiting room. The Doctor will see you shortly & tell you what's happening. I can't tell you because I'm not a Doctor. So off you go. But I'll have to add that to the top of my unusual scan chart today. Nice to meet you!

What the Hell?? I put my knickers on in a bit of a blurred state & return to the waiting room.
The waiting room has two other ladies in it & I'm sitting there starring at the wall in disbelief.
What just happened?
What does that mean?
Is she implying I have Cancer?
Is it a molar pregnancy 3x?
Why is this happening to me?
Should she of said all that?
Can't anything go right of me?
I can't believe this is happening!
Is it because of all the fertility drugs I've had in the past?
If I have chemotherapy then I may never get pregnant again?
Is this it for me?

Whilst the world was spinning & all these questions were going through my head my Mother turned up.
There I was sitting in the waiting room & waging my foot from side to side.
What's wrong? My Mum said.
I explained what the Sonographer said.
My Mum tried to reassure me & said it'll be ok & not to read too much into it.

Then the lovely Senior Nurse walks up to me & touches my arm in comfort.

Nurse: I just want to tell you what the wait is all about.
There's been some questions over your Scan & we've had a Senior  Sonographer review them. We've now got his findings & report & we've just paged a Senior consultant who is on his way down to the clinic. Once I've spoken to him we should be able to tell you what is going on. So I'm really sorry for the wait but there are some things that could make this a little more complicated. I can't say anymore until the consultant gives us his opinion. But we've seen a growth & that causes us complications. It should be ok but we need to know for sure. I'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Then she left!

I started to feel sick. I felt very hot even though the windows were blowing cold air in & I couldn't breath. I sat there quietly starring at the wall. I turned to my Mum & said:
I think I should just walk outside in front of a bus because I can't go on with this nightmare! My eyes started to burn fighting back the tears. Then one ran loose & rolled down my cheek.
I looked at my Mum & said: This isn't happening is it? I can't believe this is actually getting worse. I want them out of me now. I can't just sit here. I feel like I want to throw up.
With that my Mum marched to the desk & said that they couldn't just leave me with news like that & expect me to be ok.
I was then called in.

The Nurse apologised for the wait & that the consultant wanted to see me personally himself.
I walked in to the private room & the Nurse closed the door behind her. I was told to sit down.
The atmosphere was very dark.
I sat down & looked up to see the wonderful Lenny Henry lookalike consultant I had the previous miscarriage. Who was so kind & gentle. He was looking at me with pity in his eyes & put his hand on mine.

Consultant: We have some problems. ......... The problem is one of the pregnancy
Sacs is growing & we don't know which one it is. Because of that we are reluctant to terminate this pregnancy because you never know.

Me: Hang on. So they are definately pregnancy sacs?

Consultant: Yes!

Me: But the sonographer implied it was something more sinister.

Nurse: Well yes she was a little concerned that they were something called a molar pregnancy. That's why we got the Senior Sonographer to come down. But he's ruled that out straight away & confirmed that they are all definately pregnancy sacs.

Consultant: Yes they are pregnancy sacs & because we don't know which one is growing we need to wait another week!

Me: But there is nothing there. Nothing inside them.

Consultant: Stranger things have happened & we unfortunately have guidelines we need to meet. We can't offer to end this pregnancy now without another scan in a week. I'm sorry.

Me: Ok, but in a week even if there is growth will you offer me a D&C next time?

Consultant: Yes.

Me: Can you have the sacs genetically tested to find out why they didn't develop even though they don't have a baby in them?

Consultant: Yes. Is that what you would like?

Me: Yes because I need to know what is going on.

Consultant: I agree. I'm happy to sign off on that. But we need to just wait & hope for a miracle & pray you won't need that done.

Me: Ok, well I guess I have to wait another week then.

Consultant: Nurse Julie, I want to be kept up to date about this lady. Can you do that for me please? I want to be informed all the time about her.

Nurse: Yes of course.

Consultant: I will have you in my prayers tonight.

We then left the waiting room & was given an appointment for next week.

I'm still trying to get over the shock of what actually happened on Tuesday.
I can't believe I was put through half an hour of turmoil for no reason.

So the saga continues ......

[Michimoo]

Extremely painful cramps began late last night. So much so I had to protect the matress as a precaution.
I've woken up this morning for the first time at 7am, without automatically being woken up for my 4am wee since being pregnant. Oh dear!

[Michimoo]

Ok. After lying in my bed contemplating for an hour I've come to a decision.
I'm going to write a book about my IVF journey so far.
If any good can come out of this nightmare of mine then great. If I can help just one person connect or not feel alone then that would be wonderful.
It'll be a big thing for me to do as I'm so private & keep all this infertility to myself.
Only you ladies on FF know the ins & outs. On here I'm Michimoo. Out there I'll be my real name. 
But stuff it. I want to help women who go through this too.
I'm prepared to bare my sole in a book to hopefully help others.
I just want to comfort all those poor ladies who think that the first ivf is the answer & when they find it doesn't work their world falls apart. Well that's was me too & they're not alone.
So the funny novel book is going on hold.
The warts & all, real life ivf journey of me, still with no happy ending is going to be made.
Even if no one buys it, guess it'll be cathartic to write.   

Now which section would it be filed under? It can't be fiction because it'll be my real life story.
It could go under factual books?
Maybe autobiography?
Could it be classed as Self help?

Or maybe just put it in the Horror section? 

[Michimoo]

I have my EPU appointment at 8:50am tomorrow morning. I did call them on Friday & ask if it was bad news could I go straight up & have a D&C?
After being put on hold for 5 minutes I was told there was a surgery clinic in the morning & they couldn't guarantee it but I should come prepared & be nil by mouth from midnight tonight.
I'm feeling a little sad this evening. Although I know in my head this is over, my heart is still holding on to these 3 angels.
I gave up the diet 2 weeks ago & have been eating like a pig. I'm the heaviest I've been for a long time. I really need to get back to my fitness classes.
Unfortunately depression makes me eat everything in sight. Why I can't be one of these women that goes off food I don't know?

I wish my DH was here. Instead he's in Greece.
He wasn't here for the last ERPC due to his work.
I hate going through this without him. I just need his support sometimes.
I know it's not his fault but I do feel like I'm taking this all on my shoulders for the both of us.

Despite the common sense side of me knowing that it's not going to be good news tomorrow. It's still going to hit me like a sledge hammer when I'm officially told.

4 babies lost in 5 months. I'm broken.