Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!

[Michimoo]

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! And breathe .......

Did I have an erpc? Did I Hell!

So off I went nil by mouth to my 8:50am appointment. I packed my hospital bag & even washed in that awful MRSA gel just in case.
Anyone who knows me barring my face & being make up free just doesn't happen.
So walking around my local hospital I felt really uncomfortable.
I do like to wear my mask & when I don't have it I am vulnerable.

Anyway I get to the clinic at 8:30am. No one is in the waiting room it's just little old me. I get seen by the nurse who takes my blood pressure & then sit back in the waiting room for a scan.
An hour & a half later I get my scan!!!! At this point I'm gasping for some water.

These 3 sacs are positioned in the shape of a triangle. With the little one sitting at the top.
There is a change from last week in shapes. The one to the bottom left hasn't developed & is still a round cavernous hole. The bottom right has really grown & stretched out like a long fat sausage, but still has nothing inside. Lastly the little one at the top is slightly bigger than last week & they now think there is a yolk sac! Wtf?

A yolk sac at 10 weeks? This is ridiculous.
So what if you see a yolk sac now. It's not a viable pregnancy!

I go back & sit in the waiting room.
I wait & I wait & I ........ Hang on a minute 6 people have jumped the queue in front of me. What's going on?

I walk to the desk & ask why I've been bumped down the queue again?

"Oh sorry we need to get a Senior consultant down for you".

Here we go again!

It's now just gone past 11am. I'm starving & thirsty & realising that there is no way I'm going to be operated on today.

Then I get called in by a reasonable hot Dr. I'm looking like I've not taken my Halloween face off from the weekend, having no make up on.

So, here goes the duologue:

Dr: We have seen a yolk sac that wasn't there last week. So there's been another development.
Me: But there are no babies.
Dr: Yes but we don't know if this could develop further.
Me: Seriously? I'm 10 weeks. This is driving me crazy.
Dr: I can imagine. But you don't meet the criteria of ticking any box that says you are having a miscarriage. This would be classed as a termination & ethically we can't do that.
Me: But there are NO babies?
Dr: I know! The only way we can tell is if you have a blood test 48 hours apart. Then from that we can tell if it's viable or not.
Me: But I asked for one last week & was told it's not relevant anymore.
Dr: Well in hindsight we should've given you one then we would've been able to make a decision last week.
Me: (laughing) Great!
Dr: So we'll take bloods today. I'll call you with the results then you come back Thursday & we will make a decision.
Me: Ok. So when you tell me on Thursday that this isn't a viable pregnancy, because you will, can I have the erpc on Friday?
Dr: Only if we have beds available as they might be booked up by then.
Me: Can you pencil me on the list now & if a miracle happens on Thursday then just take me off the list?
Dr: No. It doesn't work like that. If we can't get you in then we'll try to fit you in on Monday.
Me: Another week? I'll be 11 weeks by then. This is ridiculous. There are NO babies!
Dr: I do understand & if I'm honest I would want to see a lot more at 10 weeks. I don't think this is a viable pregnancy but I can't diagnose a miscarriage until we have the blood results.

After the blood test I left. Extremely frustrated.
I called DH in Greece & he went loopy. Even flippantly commented on me flying out to him & get Penny to organise a D&C.

After stuffing my face with left over Halloween sweets all afternoon I received my hcg results.

Hcg: 35,000

He said he'd expect them to be higher.
I said considering that they were 8,000 3 weeks ago. So would I & this shows it's not viable.
Again he repeated that until he has the second blood test to compare on Thursday. He will not diagnose a miscarriage.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So here I am in limbo land again.
Going very, very 

[FertilityFriends]

[Michimoo]

Hcg dropped to 29,000 today

Still not significant enough for them to diagnose a miscarriage.

Booking me in for a repeat scan next Tuesday.

As you can imagine a few tears shed over the complete frustration of it all.

I'm so pee'd off.

Oh & if I bleed over the weekend then see if I can manage to cope on my own.
WHAT??

[Michimoo]

Ok so by 5pm I lost the plot with festering all afternoon.
So I called the emergency number & spoke to a lovely, kind Nurse. I broke down on the phone (which is unusual for me) & told her that I'm on my own, my DH is in Greece & this is not a viable pregnancy.
I said I am an intelligent woman who after 6 failed IVF's knows a lot more about fertility than the average woman they normally see.
I said I'm not stupid & I know this is not a viable pregnancy as by 10 weeks to have no babies in 3 sacs means I can't give birth to an invisible baby & all they are doing is prolonging the agony of the inevitable.
She's changed my appointment from Tuesday morning to Monday morning.
She's also advised me that if I bleed to call the clinic first then go down A&E so I get in the system.

She was shocked that my levels had dropped by 15% & still not being diagnosed as having a miscarriage.

She apologised for how I'm being treated & said considering what's been going on she was surprised I was still being so nice.

What's sad is I'm paranoid to move. I have strong cramps & I now want to bleed slightly to start the ball rolling. How bad is that?

I can't believe what is happening.

[Michimoo]

Feeling very low.
Today I should be at a fitness event. I've been looking forward to this event since July.
I had a plan to go with 4 friends & it was going to be so much fun.
It's just down the road in a Devere hotel & you also get access to all the hotels facilities such as spa, pool etc.
Gutted!
If my levels weren't dropping I would've gone. But I'm having strong cramps, lower back ache & just feel like I'm ready to bleed any minute.

So I'm not going out at all. I'm staying close to the phone & close to the hospital.

I'm in a very dark, gloomy place today.

[Michimoo]

Wow! Where did that come from?
I finally broke down & had a howl in my front room for about 10 minutes.
It stopped as quickly as it started.

But feel a little emotionally lighter.

[Michimoo]

A brief moment of tears again today.
This was after bumping into a friend who'd just had a baby.

I had to put the mask back on & act like everything was fine. Then the newborn was put in my arms. Of course the expectation is I want to hold your baby.
It took everything in my power to not scream. Although I was screaming so loudly inside.

It actually was like I was having an out of body experience.
That was the only way I could cope.

I walked back to my car with a few tears & drove home with my sunglasses on.
Every now & then I wiped the water from the corner of my eye.

When I got home I had a call from the lovely Nurse at the hospital. They have bumped my appointment until later on in the morning as the emergency patients need to be seen first thing & I'm not classed as an emergency.
She did say that they tried to push me back out to Tuesday but she said she insisted I was seen tomorrow.

I just hope I finally have a diagnosis tomorrow as mentally I'm slowly losing it & the mask is starting to slip.

Never not been in control of the mask before. This is new territory for me.

[Michimoo]

Hallelujah! 

I've finally been diagnosed as having a missed miscarriage today. No sh1t Sherlock!

The frustrating thing was I got scanned by the lovely sonographer who remembered me from my last miscarriage. She told me that the notes from last weeks scan were clearly marked that this pregnancy was not viable & she doesn't understand why I've been kept going for another week. She said I should've been given an ERPC last week as there was little to no growth in sizes.
I explained that they'd seen a yolk sac that wasn't there the week before. She said that it more than likely was but just wasn't picked up as a collapsed yolk sac floats around a gestational sac & can only been seen at certain angles because it can constantly move.

When I came out of my scan I informed the Sister that I was not leaving the clinic without a diagnosis as I had just had confirmation that this pregnancy wasn't viable last week.
She looked at me a bit flumuxed and smiled, but when I didn't smile back I think she realised that I wasn't joking.

I sat back down in the waiting room & half an hour later was seen by a Dr.
He said these words :

"Because you've been through so much, we are going to diagnose a missed miscarriage today!"

What? That's laughable right? The way it was put was like they were doing me a favour by diagnosing me. "Because you've been through so much??
Jeez! Hadn't I been through enough last week or maybe the week before when you tried to imply I had Cancer instead of bring pregnant. What a Joke!

Anyway. There was no option of having a natural miscarriage I was told I'm booked in for a SMM tomorrow morning. (Surgical Management of Miscarriage) this is the new term for it.

I had to sign the terrible waiver form. Blood transfusion, damage to the cervix, damaged uterus, perforation of bowel!

Anyway I'm now back home a little sad that I'm going through this again. Sad that I've lost my babies & sad that I'm being branded as unlucky.

But let's get through the next hurdle of waking up in one piece after tomorrow's op. 

[Michimoo]

Been awake since 4am, light turned off at midnight.

Well I guess I'll be having a sleep today with the general anesthetic.

I can't even go downstairs & make a cup of tea because I'm now nil by mouth.

Oh well, I may get up & put some washing on.

Don't I lead a fun filled life?

[Michimoo]

What a day. It's finally over.

All my babies are now together being sent off in a dish/box/slide to the John Radcliffe Hospital for chromosomal testing.

The day started terribly as the Dr who came round introduced me to a junior Dr, asked if I consented to them examining me whilst I was asleep & then left!

I never saw him again. Until .........

I was told I was second on the list by the Nurse & it dawned on me that I hadn't been given the pessaries to soften my cervix.
I hadn't started bleeding naturally & I certainly wasn't going to risk them damaging my cervix in theatre because the numpty had forgotten.
Time was running out if I was second. It's now 9am!

I pressed my buzzer & explained to the Nurse. After half an hour the young GP returned with gloves on & pessaries in hand. He was well & truly p1$$ed.
He shoved those things up me in utter anger, then left.
I felt a little violated & I started to consider leaving.
The Nurse told me he had forgotten & it wouldn't of been done if I hadn't mentioned it.
I began to lose my confidence in this operation.
The Sister from EPU came in & I mentioned to her my concerns. She reassured me that this Dr wasn't actually performing the operation.
Phew!

By the time I got wheeled down I began shivering uncontrollably. Unfortunately this made my veins shrink so trying to fit the canular became problematic.
As this was happening the anaesthetist was trying to distract me by asking about my life. I explained about the 6 failed ivfs & now 2 miscarriages & how I was wanting to write a book to support women going through the same.
The all said how brave I was & he'd been through 1 successful ivf with his wife. Therefore he couldn't believe I'd done 6.

Then they had to move hands for the canular & everyone swapped around.
Thank goodness it worked on the right as it was really beginning to hurt.

They all stood around trying to talk to me about my acting & writing to distract me before I went off to sleep.
I fought as hard as I could to stay awake & I think my last words were; "well I hope I wake up so I can write my book & maybe help one women & get something good out of all this bad?" They all looked at each other in silence with sorrow in their eyes, then looked back at me. That was the last thing I remember.

I woke up to major pain. Then the shivers began.
My temperature dropped to 35 & I was wrapped in a type of giant bubble wrap with a hot air blower attached at the bottom.
Morphine was administered to my canular.

I chatted to the nurse who too had had 1 successful ivf & never needed more treatment.
Wow!
Could I feel any more sorry for myself? I then began to shed a few tears.

I dabbed my eyes with a tissue & then just starred into space for half an hour blankly until they wheeled me back to the ward.

It's all over.
No more babies.
No more hope.
No more pregnancy.
No more scans.
No more waiting.
No more excuses.
Done.

The hard outer shell & infertility mask was well & truly, firmly back in place.
I joked with the Nurses. I ate my lunch. I wee'd in the grey recycled cardboard potty.
I got dressed. Then I was discharged.

What a day!

I'm now lying in my old bedroom at my parents house.
I haven't been able to speak with DH as he's tied up on emergency work calls.

I have quite strong pain. Worse than last time.

I've just watched the top 20 Queen songs on TV with my Dad.
He bought me up listening to Queen when I was younger. So it was quite a nice bonding session.

Funnily enough the only song that is stuck in my head is one that was in the middle of the listing.

I'm lying here with it playing round & round even as I write this update.

Maybe it's subconsciously going to be my mantra at the moment.

So I will leave it with you as I finally sign off for today.

"The show must go on ............."

[Michimoo]

I'm finally back in my own bed at home.
I have to say I did have an amazing nights sleep last night.
Although it could be down to the fact my parents helped me put on the winter duvet.
It's one of those mornings where you are so cozy you don't want to get out of bed & only your nose is poking out of the covers. My body has seemed to mould into the duvet overnight & it's pure bliss.
I've woken up this morning in silence & alone.
No Mum waking me up with a cup of tea & a plate of biscuits. No chatter downstairs of my Dad talking about who wants which bit of the newspaper to read.

Here I am collecting my thoughts & BAM! It's just hit me.
What on earth has just happened in the last few days?
I've just lost triplets! Wtf?

I'm not crying (as usual). I'm just shocked and even more shocked it's just happened to me.
Who miscarries triplets? Who goes through 6 failed ivfs then gets pregnant natrually with triplets? Who does that? It's not normal. Not even heard of.
Who does that happen to? No one.
Oh but yes unlucky old me, that's who. What the actual F**k?

I think today will be a melancholy, "what just happened" day?
An, "is this real," day?

Today is the day where I lie on the sofa in disbelief.

Stuff the diet, my cupboard is full of biscuits & they will all be dunked in a marathon tea dunking session for the next 14 hours.