* Author Topic: Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!  (Read 213176 times)

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Offline Michimoo

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Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
« Reply #50 on: 30/12/13, 18:45 »
Ps: I had a McDonald's for lunch too!!  :P

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    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #51 on: 31/12/13, 10:19 »
    8dp5dt & New Years Eve.

    Can't wait to see this bloody year over with!

    Been awake since 3am googling like mad on the iPhone under the covers  ;D

    There is about 1% chance of a miracle. But as him upstairs doesn't really like me much for some reason, I'm not holding my breath!

    The casino tickets are booked & the Verve Clique is chilling & I'm ready to have the hangover from hell tomorrow.

    Been up to ARGC for a blood test & saw the lovely Rebecca who was pleased to see me. Told her I'd pee'd on a stick this morning & it was a BFN. She's up for me getting drunk & didn't try & fluff things up.
    She basically said "I'd say there is still hope & there is a slim chance, but you've done this plenty of times, you know the signs & yeah get wasted!"  ;D

    It was rather strange actually as I did feel very at home when I arrived there this morning. I know that isn't a good sign but it did make me wonder if I should try them one last time next year? Hmmmmmm food for thought.

    My ^Booty^ cheek is still swelling up & I now look like Kim Kardashian! Just had an ice pack on it. Ouchie!

    No more progesterone shots for me until I get the phone call.

    Now it's just a waiting game to confirm the last nail in the coffin for 2013!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #52 on: 31/12/13, 17:03 »
    Well I don't want to start your New Year on a downer so I will post this now.

    My results are in & they are ............. -1.
    Minus flipping one. I couldn't be more un-pregnant if I tried.
    Ha! I mean they aren't even just Zero. I'm a damn minus!

    The Nurse said that there is no hope holding our for 2 more days as the minus indicates not even a sniff of attempted implantation.

    She said I can go & get drunk tonight & to stop all meds today. I'm not emailing Penny yet as I don't see the point in ruining her New Year. I'll contact her on test date when I've sobered up!  ;D

    I got the phone call at 1pm & then DH & I have been having a screaming row about ivf, our marriage, me being the shell of who I once was, how much money we have spent so far, Etc, etc.
    we have guests arriving in half an hour & I've been crying for the last 4 hours so my eyes are swollen & I look like a giant frog!

    DH & I aren't really speaking so this is going to be a fun night!

    I've already opened the champagne & I'm starting early to blot this whole day/cycle/row/potential divorce out of my mind!

    Happy balls New Year!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #53 on: 1/01/14, 09:20 »
    Am I hung over? Yes I am.  :o

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #54 on: 2/01/14, 08:18 »
    10dp5dt - Not Pregnant

    Today is test date according to ARGC

    However in 2 days time it's test date according to Serum.

    Yesterday I nursed a 3 bottled champagne hangover! We went to the casino & actually had a pretty good time with our friends. My alarm went off early yesterday morning to take my steroids which I'm having to ween myself off of.
    So I quietly went downstairs at 8am & made myself a cuppa & stayed downstairs awake till 11am when people started to surface.
    My brain was whirring about what had happened in the last 24 hours.

    I couldn't actually believe the argument we had for four hours after hearing the bfn news. That's never happened before. He normally comforts me & this time it felt like ATTACK!

    He's obviously forgotten about it & moved on (as men do). But I am a thinker and an analyser. A disector of situations, a statistics woman.

    I guess statistically this should've worked being number 6 after 52 eggs, even if it were a chemical. But no such luck.

    I just want to see 2 lines. Even if it is a chemical. I just want to hear the words pregnant, even if its for a short time. I need to know my body isn't entirely useless.

    I'm afraid I'm going to be the only one left on this forum who never experiences that joy. I'm afraid everyone is going to move on to happier times whilst I'm left turning more bitter with every year that passes.

    I'm lost at the moment & all I seem to have is this virtual diary to vent on that's keeping me going.

    I keep watching Eastenders & thinking that could've been me. I look at that new Carter family & I would've fitted the brief for the new Mum as I'm similar looking to Danny Dyers wife. If only I hadn't of quit & stayed with my agent I could've auditioned & now be for filling at least one of my dreams! Bloody infertility!

    I may email Penny later & advise I've had my blood test. I'm sure she's got plenty of other ladies emailing her good news that's she's not going to look into my notes & see I'm 2 days early testing according to them. I'm just another blooming number on the statistics chart anyway.

    Best get up & take another steroid! Happy days.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #55 on: 4/01/14, 09:04 »
    Wow! Not sure when this emotional rollercoaster is going to end but boy do I feel exhausted!

    So we spoke to Penny who as I expected threw the DE card at me.

    She actually said " you're ovaries are telling you to F**k off!" Which I found quite funny with her Greek/English accent.

    She said that doing back to back cycles for 2 years has caused my body to get used to the drugs & she even finds that with her young 20 year old egg donors. The more cycles they do the worse their egg quality becomes on every attempt.

    I get very frustrated by all clinics. They think that women go to them just to have a baby. Well everyone is different. It's not about throwing the DE card about. If it was only about having a baby then I wouldn't of put my body through 6 OE IVF's would I? I would of done DE straight away.

    My journey has never been just to "have a baby" or "to get pregnant".
    If I could let someone else get fat for 9 months & hand me my genetic child at the end of it then happy days!

    It's always been about having a part of me live on when I die. This was totally reinforced in November when I had my Cancer scare.

    We actually went to Greece under the impression that there was a sperm issue. Penny even suggested fertilising a couple of my eggs with DS just to rule this out.

    Which we did. We fertilised 2 with DS as an experiment. Even the DS started to fragment & deteriorate by day 3.

    After speaking with her yesterday I also found out that on day 3 we only had 2 viable embies at 8cells. But they were classed as grade A perfect. So why on earth did we wait till a day 5 transfer then?  ^idiot^

    So the news has hit me hard. Harder than I ever imagined. I'm a total mess.

    DH leaves to go back to the rig in 3 days & I will be left on my own with no distractions. I will be left with my own thoughts which scares me.

    I do feel like I'm tumbling into a silent depression. I can't give up on my own genetics.
    I want my parents to live on in my child.

    I don't want to carry another woman's baby with my DH.

    He might as well go out into Reading & [email protected] a random girl then bring the baby home in 9 months for me to bring up.

    How can I look in the child's eyes & never see me looking back?

    Will I be constantly jealous of my DH because he has a bigger bond/link with the child than I do?

    Will I reject the child?

    Will it feel like an Alien growing inside me?

    She gave me 20% chance with my OE & also said she wouldn't want me to stimulate on such high doses as there is more need to get fewer better quality eggs. But she is still pushing DE.

    It's not about DE Penny! It's about my family heritage continuing. My parents, grandparents, great grand parents. Genetics. Me!!!!

    Where the Hell do I go from here?

    I'm broken.  :'(

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #56 on: 6/01/14, 23:11 »
    So far the sleepless nights are getting a bit better due to my old friend nytol & alcohol!

    Dreaded AF has arrived just to slap me in the face a bit harder to double check I know that this cycle was another bfn. Yes it's painful & heavy & horrendous as it usually is after a failed cycle.

    Birthday tomorrow which I'm dreading. DH leaves tomorrow night too so I'm sure I will be spending my birthday evening sobbing into the pillow.
    I'm trying to hold all my emotions in so DH doesn't worry whilst he's away. His job is dangerous as it is, I don't want him stressing about me & taking his mind off of the job.

    Can I press pause on my life so I don't have to be another year older tomorrow please?

    Actually can I rewind my life & try for a baby in my 20's please?

    Pah! I can but ask.

    Hmmmmm what would you like for your birthday?
    My answer: "A remote control for my life?"

    If only eh?

    I will pick myself up but at the moment things are still too raw & tbh I'm still not sure the whole situation has sunk in yet.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #57 on: 7/01/14, 23:05 »
    Birthday blues. DH on route to Brazil. All alone & another year older with no baby. :(

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #58 on: 8/01/14, 12:09 »
    Right, new year, new age, new start!

    I starting my first full day as a 37 year old by focusing on my goals.

    Today's goal is start the diet & do some excercise.

    I've just dug out my 30 second slim DVD & attempted level 1. OMG!  :o I think I've just killed myself!

    You wouldn't think I was on level 2 in November heading to level 3.

    My excuse is my extra weight, terrible post IVF AF & the fact I haven't exercised since 1st December. I also had 5 hours sleep last night which always happens when DH goes. It takes me about 2 weeks to start sleeping properly.

    I'm sweating like a pig & huffing & puffing like I've just smoked a packet of 20 Rothmans! Sexy! Glad DH isn't here to see this.

    I'm doing the 3 day cardiac diet which consists of .... "Not a lot!" This is to kick start me into eating healthier although the diet lets you eat vanilla ice cream so not sure on the healthy part?  ^idiot^
    I need to wean myself off sweet stuff anyway as that's all I've comfort eaten for 3 weeks. Hence the jelly belly.

    Started this morning & already missing my morning cuppa.  :-\

    Let's see how long I can keep it all up. I'm hoping it gives me something else to focus on for the time being.

    Just weighed myself & nearly screamed but I will see if I have any improvement Sat morning?


    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #59 on: 10/01/14, 08:38 »
    Killer migraine all day yesterday. Wondering if it's a detox from the drugs?
    Or maybe just a detox from biscuits, chocolate, crisps, mince pies .......... (mmmmmmmm mince pies!)  ;D

    Was in a dark room all day yesterday & my migraine tablet didn't really touch it.

    Woken up again this morning with a killer headache so hoping it just stays like this.

    No exercising for me at the mo until I get rid of this rave that's going on in my head!