Wow! Not sure when this emotional rollercoaster is going to end but boy do I feel exhausted!
So we spoke to Penny who as I expected threw the DE card at me.
She actually said " you're ovaries are telling you to F**k off!" Which I found quite funny with her Greek/English accent.
She said that doing back to back cycles for 2 years has caused my body to get used to the drugs & she even finds that with her young 20 year old egg donors. The more cycles they do the worse their egg quality becomes on every attempt.
I get very frustrated by all clinics. They think that women go to them just to have a baby. Well everyone is different. It's not about throwing the DE card about. If it was only about having a baby then I wouldn't of put my body through 6 OE IVF's would I? I would of done DE straight away.
My journey has never been just to "have a baby" or "to get pregnant".
If I could let someone else get fat for 9 months & hand me my genetic child at the end of it then happy days!
It's always been about having a part of me live on when I die. This was totally reinforced in November when I had my Cancer scare.
We actually went to Greece under the impression that there was a sperm issue. Penny even suggested fertilising a couple of my eggs with DS just to rule this out.
Which we did. We fertilised 2 with DS as an experiment. Even the DS started to fragment & deteriorate by day 3.
After speaking with her yesterday I also found out that on day 3 we only had 2 viable embies at 8cells. But they were classed as grade A perfect. So why on earth did we wait till a day 5 transfer then?
So the news has hit me hard. Harder than I ever imagined. I'm a total mess.
DH leaves to go back to the rig in 3 days & I will be left on my own with no distractions. I will be left with my own thoughts which scares me.
I do feel like I'm tumbling into a silent depression. I can't give up on my own genetics.
I want my parents to live on in my child.
I don't want to carry another woman's baby with my DH.
He might as well go out into Reading &
[email protected] a random girl then bring the baby home in 9 months for me to bring up.
How can I look in the child's eyes & never see me looking back?
Will I be constantly jealous of my DH because he has a bigger bond/link with the child than I do?
Will I reject the child?
Will it feel like an Alien growing inside me?
She gave me 20% chance with my OE & also said she wouldn't want me to stimulate on such high doses as there is more need to get fewer better quality eggs. But she is still pushing DE.
It's not about DE Penny! It's about my family heritage continuing. My parents, grandparents, great grand parents. Genetics. Me!!!!
Where the Hell do I go from here?
I'm broken.
