* Author Topic: Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!  (Read 215410 times)

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Offline Michimoo

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Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
« Reply #70 on: 30/01/14, 10:31 »
So on a different note. I have entered my poem into a poetry competition with the poetry society & the winners & runners up etc get announced in 3 weeks!  :o
I've never done anything like this before & sure I won't even get a mention.
I wrote it before all the IVF began! Which seems ages ago & unfortunately it still means the same to me over 3 years later!

Infertility -

Children, children, everywhere.
Putting on the face, like I don't care.
You assume that's it's the natural thing,
to become a Mother and have your Lamb in the Spring.
But when you find out that you can't,
Your world becomes so tortured and burnt.
Everyday you see more and more,
babies, adverts, it becomes a chore.
It's maybe because I'm more aware,
of the natural thing that's just not there.
If I could have just one wish,
It's to be a Mum and have that first kiss,
Upon the head of my newborn babe,
To love unconditionally until the day,
that they decide to move away,
and continue their life with the lessons I've shared.
To always know that I am there,
To comfort, protect and advise,
On life's major rollercoaster ride.
But until I can produce a child.
I have to dream and not become riled,
By insensitive comments and stupid remarks.
And stop myself from going berserk.
I cannot give in and give up hope,
That one day soon, I'll be able to cope,
With some wonderful and amazing news,
to beat away these daily blues.
That I can now become a Mummy,
I can go and buy my babies first dummy.
I can buy a book and choose some names,
And no longer look at myself with shame.
For I have now done the natural thing,
And will get to have my own lamb in the Spring.
Life's little miracle has now blessed me.
I can feel human once again, you see.
To make my life again complete.
And not give in to the defeat.
Cause I have conquered one and all.
To be classed once again as "Normal"!

Written by MAD. 13th October 2011.


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    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #71 on: 4/02/14, 06:41 »
    I don't want to go on about it, but it's been over a week since I sent my message to my friend & there's been no phone call, no turning up on the doorstep, no follow up text to say she's sorry. WTF?
    I also found out from someone who knows her well that apparently she's had my old friend as bridesmaid since Sept & they've been dress shopping for months behind my back, being careful not to write anything on social media. Not sure if that's true but none the less it adds to the hurt.
    So if she didn't think i'd be bothered why didn't she tell me sooner? She's had 4 months to tell me. When was I going to find out? At the Wedding?

    I've tried many times to compose a message back to her, however I keep coming back to the same thing ...... What are you trying to fix? I'll never be the same with her again. I'll never forgive her for what she's done. I don't like who she is.
    And as DH said on the phone last night, why is it always you trying to sort stuff out & chase her? She should be doing the chasing & if she's not, it kind of says how much she values you as a friend.

    It's a bitter pill to swallow & something I don't need to deal with at the moment.
    I feel like a complete MUG. I feel totally used by her & that I've wasted 20 years of my life on the wrong person.
    Even looking back I can't think of ONE thing that she's ever done for me. Not one! In 20 years? Nothing. It's always been me being there for her. The time I've needed her she's now not around & doesn't give a ---- ! Gutted!
    I'm feeling very low about everything currently & it may sound silly but I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a merry go round watching everyone else moving on & I'm just standing still with nothing changing.
    I feel left behind & a little lost.

    Off to my first counselling session this morning. Hope it goes ok as I'm quite a hard nut to crack & don't share my emotions. Or I could just break down completely because I don't do it very often. Who knows?

    It's a 30 min drive away so hope I'm not too much of a mess to drive home?  :-\

    We will see.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #72 on: 5/04/14, 07:11 »
    Well, I bet you all thought I'd dropped off the face of the earth eh?
    Some days I did think about it.  ;D

    Where to begin? .............

    As usual my life never goes to plan & there is always a drama for me to contend with. Unfortunately nothing seems to go smoothly in my life & someone upstairs really has a vendetta against me.

    Let's go back to when I last wrote in my diary. Boy this is going to be a LONG post! Hold on tight ladies & try & keep up!  :o

    MY EX BFF :-

    So, no more news really. No contact, no message, nada, nothing. However she has now resorted to tagging herself in places on social media with my other friend (her bridesmaid) & saying "love you"  under her status.
    However it's become very clear that she is telling people that I am the bad old witch who is horrible etc & God knows what fabricated story has been made up. One thing is for sure I am NOT invited to the Wedding, this friendship will never be rekindled & she will never admit or see that she is in the wrong because nothing is ever her fault. What did annoy me was that it was my DH 40th birthday 3 weeks ago & she didn't  wish him happy birthday on social media. Her Mum did, My other friend did & it's not like she didn't know when it was as I'd been going on about it for 2 years for his surprise birthday party.
    At the end of the day her issue is with me & she should've wished him happy birthday.


    Have I cried in any session? no!
    Do I find it useful? no!
    Do I find her patronising? yes!
    Could I be a counsellor? Yes!
    Am I better off for going? No!
    Is she expensive? Yes!
    We even discussed DE & she started arguing with me over the "telling the child" taboo. "Research shows that children want to know they are donor, she barked.
     I said; really? And how many children have you interviewed where the child wasn't told & is perfectly happy?
    "Well none, because they don't know any different." she said.
    We then spent the rest of the session debating about if you should or shouldn't tell the child!
    Counselling conclusion = waste of money.

    POEM :-

    Well I didn't hear anything about my poem so guess they didn't like it. What I did find out after entering was that one of the judges had been through many iVFs & written a poem about fertility issues. So I kindda hoped that she would be on my side. Guess not. The poem that won was one of those poems that doesn't rhyme at all & didn't  make any sense. You know the ones that go something like;

    I walked into a room,
    a monkey elaborately entered wearing a green scarf,
    trees, trees, trees,

     ;D ;D ;D
    Maybe I should've entered that one? I might've got a prize!!

    HOLIDAY :-

    We have booked a holiday & are flying in 4 days. Finally I have something to look forward to. Apart from going abroad to Greece for IVF our last proper holiday was our honeymoon 4 years ago. However guess what ...... We are flying Malaysian airlines to  kuala lumpur! Where did MH370 Malaysian airlines fly from? kuala lumpur! And they've still not found the plane! So if another Malaysian airlines flight disappears from London to KL on Tuesday night......... I'm on it!!  :o
    Checked the weather forecast & it's thunder & lightning for the 2 weeks we are there aswell. Of course it is! Nothing goes right does it! Oh well it'll just be a very expensive 2 week long hot shower then! Oops.

    FITNESS :-

    I have turned into a bit of a fitness class addict. I now do Bokwa, boowaika & Zumba 3-4x per week. I'm not at my goal weight as I still have 1/2 stone to lose which is going to increase as I go on holiday & eat loads. But I am back squeezing in my size 8's just! There will be lots of bikini photos taken in the first few days on holiday until the eating commences! Then we will be back to fully clothed shots. I'm not sure my motivation will continue when I come back as although I do these classes I do struggle to get there. Once I'm there I am fine, but I do have to drag myself off the sofa.

    DH DRAMA:-

    Well, where do I begin. Think I'll just make it brief as this has been a bit of a nightmare & consumed me for weeks now. As some of you know my DH works on the rigs & we only see each other 6 months of the year. Well he left at the end of February to go back on his hitch & everything was starting to fall into place for us. We had booked a holiday, we'd talked about maybe doing another round of IVF in the summer looking at his rotation, I was getting healthy & losing weight, I'd got a part time job 2 days a week which was helping me out with money & getting my brain active again. We had a plan & things were looking up. He gets to his job, works 3 days & then I get a phone call from Brazil.
    My DH had written a personal email which had been hacked by another employee & because he'd bad mouthed this employee in the email my DH was now going to be taken down the disciplinary route & was being shipped off the rig!
    To cut a very long story short, my DH has been suspended & sent home without pay for 3 months as his punishment! They are using him as an example to the rest of the company! They still want to keep him as he is a good worker but he isn't required back due to shift changes until June & until he returns to work they will not put him back on the payroll. Hasten to say this has put a huge stress on our relationship & situation. He is the only earner & we can't get a refund for our holiday as it's all booked & paid for. We now don't have any household income apart from my 400 per month part time job. So any IVF is now out of the window as the savings are paying the mortgage. Absolutely devastated.
    It's a nightmare I can do without.

    I feel like someone really doesn't want me to get pg as ridiculous scenarios keep getting in the way & preventing any happiness we may endure.
    We booked our holiday 4 days before my DH left for Brazil & I think in total we had a whole 7 days of thinking things were improving & feeling more positive. Then SMACK - back to everything going wrong again!

    So, that's where I am & that's why I've been AWOL from FF.
    My life as usual is never simple or easy.

    Thank you to the PM's from peeps thinking of me & I will respond. But I'm just a bit all over the place at the moment.
    I can't sleep & I am feeling a bit gloomy on the inside. However on the outside I'm smiling & no one would know any different.

    TTFN ladies,
    Until the next drama episode!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #73 on: 11/04/14, 11:47 »
    Well I'm in langkawi & no my plane didn't get lost!

    I'm off to the island of the pregnant maiden to swim in the lake tomorrow. Apparently infertile women swim in the lake & drink the water then miraculously get pregnant.
    So as us desperate women do, I'll try anything!
    So, I will either become fertile or get typhoid.
    Guess we will find out soon!  ;D

    Also I should be ov-ing in the next 48 hours so DH ran out & bought the tickets for the trip this afternoon.  ;D he said he'll take a dip in the lake too to see if it increases his swimmers.
    Ha ha ha ha.

    Here's the link if anyone's interested? :-


    This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #74 on: 26/04/14, 16:01 »
    Well I'm back to reality with a bump! Really want to be in Langkawi relaxing on the beach reading my book.
    I'm so jet lagged its ridiculous. I'm falling asleep around 6 pm & snoozing on & off until I haul my fat bum upstairs around 9pm, then awake at 4am!!
    Yes I did say fat bum!!!
    OMG I have eaten & drank everything in sight!
    I weighed myself this morning & I've put on a stone in 2 weeks.  :o

    Guess the hard work is going to have to start again.  :-\

    Right I'm off for a Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #75 on: 28/04/14, 22:47 »
    Flipping jet lag! Grrrrr gonna mess my cycles up for the summer.  They were working out well with DH's rotation.
    Although my acupuncturist has said it's to be expected as my body clock is messed up with the long haul travel.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #76 on: 29/04/14, 18:16 »
    So maybe the myth about that lake is true!  :o

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #77 on: 5/05/14, 07:36 »
    Ok, so maybe balling my eyes out last night & feeling sorry for myself wasn't the best thing just before DH flies off to Brazil for 4 weeks!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #78 on: 5/05/14, 09:58 »
    Aaahhhhhhhhh DH winds me up like crazy! Why can't he be sensitive & understanding? Instead he just tells me to stop being negative & get on with things!! Grrrrrr.
    You try having people crawling in & out of your PEN15 for 3+years with everything always going wrong. Injecting into your stomach,butt,legs. Taking daily vitamins, eating healthy when you don't want to, watching your other half drink alcohol in front of you, taking steroids & getting fatter by the day, having drips in your arm to fight your immunes, having Lit therapy in your behind which is a killer ...... Maybe you'd be negative too??  ^idiot^
    He's just gone off to the golf course. While I stew like a pressure cooker about to explode.
    To top off my day, I've now got to go & see/play with a 9 month old baby. I would rather get my foo foo waxed 20 times in a row the mood I'm in today.

    Had another boo out of complete frustration.

    Urgh I'm one grumpy  ^swear^ today.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #79 on: 8/05/14, 13:19 »

    So as some of you guessed with my cryptic comment I finally saw 2 lines naturally!
    A miracle did happen, only to be snatched away 10 days later.

    To say I'm devastated is an understatement.

    I think this was so cruel & I didn't even have time to be happy about it.
    Off for another blood test tomorrow & then I presume the ultimate verdict will be announced.

    DH left for Brazil yesterday. So wallowing in self pity all alone.

    I've decided .......
    I really don't like being me.  :'(