* Author Topic: Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!  (Read 215414 times)

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Offline Michimoo

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Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
« Reply #80 on: 10/05/14, 17:49 »
Levels only doubling every 7+ days. Been told it's not looking good. When ARGC tells you it's not looking good then you get the idea smacked round your head with a sledgehammer!

However Penny told me I need some help in positive thinking.

Scan tomorrow morning to confirm things plus more bloods. But they still want me to carry on with all the drugs!

Jeez. Talk about prolong my torture.

Wish DH was with me.  :'(


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    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #81 on: 14/05/14, 06:45 »
    D-Day today.
    Had no sleep (obviously)

    Google is my enemy. I've been trying to find success stories with low/slow rising hcg. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
    Unfortunately ARGC don't believe in HCG rescue shots & wouldn't let me take them. I did speak to Penny & she said it was too late anyway.

    I am however taking GCSF to see if it's my immunes which Argc don't know about. But I've already decided that I'm going to refuse their immunes retest next week anyway. As until I know if this is a viable pregnancy I am not forking out another 400 for tests I may not need.

    I'm dreading later & am now in the rather not know camp. Just like I am on ivf test date. I spend the whole time winding myself up to then get to D-day & all I want to do is burry my head in the sand.

    I'm also trying to get an appt with my GP this afternoon to talk through the findings from today's scan.

    Do I want to see a heartbeat or not? Hmmmmm
    Yes - because I need to know my body isn't that [email protected] & a failure completely.
    No - because it may make it real & harder to deal with.

    I'm concerned if they don't see a heartbeat then they will want to keep scanning me & I'll be left in limbo land again. Slowly going  ^idiot^

    Obviously the ideal scenario is that my HCG levels are shooting up, there's a heartbeat & he was just having a rough few days!

    I'm also getting bloods done so if they start to decline then we know it's over.
    I know what level they should be at so anything lower than that won't be good.

    Spoke to DH last night & he is now concerned that even if this is viable then there is something wrong with the baby.
    Just another thought to circle my mind. I will be speaking with ARGC about that possibility too.

    I want to get off this train, it's never ending & I'm exhausted.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #82 on: 15/05/14, 07:16 »
    Well where do I begin?

    As the way with my life nothing is straightforward & easy. There are curve balls that fire from every direction, smacking me straight in the heart each time.

    Went up to ARGC very numb but strong. I was in the cold place of robot mode. I had my bloods taken & then walked round to ARGC. I sat in the smelly miserable waiting room with other ladies tapping on their iPhones. Then two women decided to make calls at the same time & the silence was broken. Their chatter became louder & my concentration on puzzle bobble became lost.
    We were then called.

    I hobbled up the stairs as Mums attempt to inject gestone the night before has gone near my sciatic nerve & I can hardly walk.   :o Then we sat on the first floor outside the scanning room.
    The more I sat, the more anxiety was bubbling up from my stomach into my throat. My foot started to wiggle from side to side in anticipation. We were then called in.

    The Dr recognised me & said I'd lost weight & looked slim. I told him that the trick was to wear skinny jeans & heels & it makes you look slim just for his future reference. He laughed.  ;D

    I was then presented with dildo cam on their archaic machine & I could hardly make anything out. He said progress was good from a few days ago & he could see a HB! Wtf??
    I said really?? He pointed to the screen & said that flickering there is the HB so I'm happy with your progress. I can see a sac, foetus, yolk sac & HB, so I'm happy.  However you are looking like you are 6+1 not 6+5 weeks.

    He said to wait until the bloods but things look like they are turning around & they would call later & advise.

    Before I left I reminded him that when he wants to look slim he must wear heels. He said he would keep that in mind.  ;D

    I left in a bit of a dream. It was the first time that I thought " hey I might actually be pregnant". I felt like I may be able to finally enjoy this, if only for a brief moment. A sense of calm washed through me for a few hours, until ..........

    I recieved the dreaded phone call with the results.
    Your levels have gone up, but only by 700 in 3 days. That means your HCG has slowed & is now doubling at over 9 days. Mr Taranassi wants to you stay on the same meds & come in a week today for another scan & bloods & we will see what's going on then.

    I put down the phone & panicked. Wow this is going to end. There maybe nothing next week & with DH not here he hasn't seen the flickering on the screen.

    I decided to call Berkshire scanning who I have used in the past. Their equipment is top notch & they'll print pictures for you. They could get me in at 6pm. At least I would have a keepsake of my little bean fluttering away to show DH & have forever as a memory.

    I sat in the waiting room for what felt like ages. Finally got seen. She scanned & scanned to find nothing. Just an empty sac, no HB but a tiny little baby measuring 3mm at the top of the sac.she measured me at 5+5weeks & said that any flickering was my own blood vessels.
    She scanned me internally & externally to make sure & I was lying there for over 20 minutes.
    She said she was sorry & that I will only know for sure with another scan next week.
    I had no picture to take away. Just a report which quite clearly states, No heartbeat detected.

    My heart fell out of my chest.

    I emailed DH & he's now told me to just get back on with life as that's what got us pregnant in the first place.

    ARGC & their stupid equipment. What were they going to do? Scan me next week & say "oh sorry the baby must've died between last week & now."?

    I've woken up the most depressed I've felt in years. I hate myself, I hate my body & I hate this situation. Stop torturing me!

    I'm staying in bed all day & going to try & sleep the day away.
    I think that's the only way I'll get through it.
    I haven't cried because I don't know what to cry over. I have no clear diagnosed outcome yet. I'm technically still pregnant with a still tiny baby floating in my womb.

    I'm lost.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #83 on: 19/05/14, 13:18 »
    As the hours get closer to my bloods & scan on Wednesday I become less & less optimistic & down.
    I picked myself up on Friday & decided that I was pregnant & had a 3mm foetal pole so there is a itsy babe inside me. I felt a little queasy in the morning which I decided to take as a positive sign. Maybe babe is growing?

    As the weekends progressed however I have become more & more despondent. My symptoms have gone. I'm getting cramping. My (.)(.) are I longer sore & I feel like this is very unfair.

    I of course am holding onto a glimmer of hope that things have progressed in a good way from last week. But who am I kidding eh? I've googled like mad trying to find low/slow hcg success stories with not much joy. Think I've read every forum/thread ever created on the internet about slow low levels.

    My levels were still rising but very very slowly. (Just hope they still are) But I won't bleed due to the amount of progesterone I'm shoving in me.

    I really don't want to miscarry on my own without DH but I also want it over & done with if this is the end.

    My head is totally mashed & I still haven't  :'( I can't. Believe me I've tried.

    I just don't want to go out or do anything.

    Your thoughts of encouragement & kindness is what is keeping me going as the happy smiley face is on the outside to everyone else I see & they just don't have a clue what is going on inside. Only you ladies know the truth and the internal pain it's causing me.

    Sorry to sound so down. One day I'll be back to my jokey self.


    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #84 on: 20/05/14, 17:47 »
    Wowsers! This rollercoaster just keeps going up & down!

    Well I decided to go back to Berkshire scanning this evening so I'm prepared for the bad news tomorrow at ARGC.

    They do things a lot differently. Firstly they scan you externally so you have to have a full bladder. She started scanning & couldn't even find the flipping sac. Just my "about to burst" , full bladder. Then she saw the sac which was tiny. After measuring she said it has only gone up 1mm from last week which was not good. Also the sac was empty & nothing had developed. She said "I'm so sorry, it's not looking very hopeful"

    To just double check she told me to go & empty my bladder & we will do an internal scan. As I sat on the loo I put my head in my hands & just shock my head from side to side. "How am I going to tell DH?" "What do I say to my parents?" "Should I even go to London tomorrow". I finished my Niagara fall wee & shuffled back into the room & got into the wonderful dildo cam position.

    She had a look around & found the sac & said that it was a clearer picture & she could measure it better. Still small but it had gone up by 5mm not 1mm. As she was measuring I thought I saw a flicker.

    I said "am I wishful thinking or is there a flicker on the screen?" She said "yes there is a heartbeat & a very very very tinsy tiny baby."

    Ok! She said but it's so tiny I can't measure the heartbeat, but it is still holding on. Although you haven't really developed & I would still only measure you at 5.5  weeks not 7 weeks which you should be.

    This is concerning & I've seen it go either way. You should really get your levels tested tomorrow & see what they are doing.

    So I've left feeling numb again. I'm not happy because I'm protecting myself & her face looked very concerned. I'm not upset because Rocky is still fighting & there was a flicker. I'm kind of in the same situation as last week although today I have a picture to give to DH when he's home as a keepsake.

    Talking of DH. You ladies are the first to know this news as I haven't been able to contact him on the rig. You are all my surrogate husband.  ;D

    Thanks for all the  ^pray^  &  ^reiki^ I believe they are helping & please keep  ^pray^ ^pray^ As I'm not out of the woods yet.

    Wow what a roller coaster.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #85 on: 21/05/14, 21:23 »
    They think it's all over ......... It is now!

    Well another heart beat seen fluttering away on the screen. I actually think it was clearer than yesterday. But then I was hit with the "it doesn't look good" statement.
    The heartbeat is too slow & the baby is too small & hardly made any progress in a week. Unfortunately these things tend to end in miscarriage & that's what you have to prepare for.

    Although we will wait until you get your levels to see if we continue you for another week or not. But yes your baby is still fighting & holding on.

    I waited for my bloods & then got the dreaded call. Mr Taranassi is discharging you. Your hcg levels have only increased by 120 in one week.
    You will miscarry & these are your options:

    1) wait to miscarry naturally. But this can take weeks & your levels are over 4000 & there is still a heartbeat so it may take some time.
    2) take a pill which will help you miscarry. Although this can still take weeks & may not totally miscarry.
    3) have an ERPC.

    ARGC recommend for me to have an ERPC as they would want us to have the fetus tested for any chromosome issues. This will help in future plans.

    But that means I have to kill my baby right?
    Well yes but you will miscarry eventually anyway & if you wait you take the risk you miscarry naturally & then have nothing to test & you will never know! 

    So what do I do? My head is totally f/?ed  ^idiot^

    Do I miscarry naturally, on my own, down the toilet, without DH & never know why our baby died?

    Do I kill my baby, so I can have it tested to help us make decisions in the future?

    Do I risk waiting for the baby to finally die before having an ERPC?

    If the chromosome test is normal - do I live forever knowing I killed a perfectly healthy baby that maybe could've miraculously survived?

    If the baby is chromosomal abnormal then do I go down the De egg route straight away?

    If it's not, do I scrap the DE card totally as my eggs are actually ok?

    Wtf??? & I have to make this decision on my own! Still not heard from DH this evening. I'm a mess.

    Off to EPU at the Royal Berks tomorrow. Great I can't wait to walk into a maternity unit!

    Let see what they say tomorrow eh? In the meantime I've been asked to stop all drugs.

    The girl who seemed unbreakable - broke
    The girl who seemed so strong - crumbled
    The girl who always laughed it off - cried
    The girl who would never stop trying - finally gave up

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #86 on: 23/05/14, 09:27 »
    4 & 1/2 hours at the Royal Berkshire Hospital in EPU.

    Firstly trying to find a parking space in the multi-storey car park was like trying to find gold dust. Then I had to walk to the maternity unit. Oh joy!!

    The waiting room was very sad. All the women in there were worried they were miscarrying ,having pain, bleeding etc. I however wasn't. They all had their partners with them & I was the only lady on their own.

    I finally got called to have my blood pressure taken by the nurse & she asked if I was bleeding or cramping. I said No.
    She then asked if I'd had a recent scan I said yes yesterday & there was a heartbeat. She looked at me strangely & sent me back to the waiting room.
    Within about 2 mins I was called through again & sat in front of the Sister, who actually said "why are you here?"
    I explained about yesterday & what I've been told my options are.
    She was absolutely disgusted with ARGC. She said if there is a heartbeat it wouldn't be an erpc it would be a termination & we wouldn't do that. We want to see a heartbeat & this clinic is here to try & save pregnancies not terminate them because your clinic wants a chromosome test done! Your baby is still fighting to survive. I'm so so sorry you've been treated this way & we won't give up on you, you are now in safe hands & we will look after you.

    Wow - how lovely. Finally some compassion.

    I had a scan & I thought Rocky had died as there was no movement. Then there was a very faint flicker on the screen. The nurse said yes the sac was tiny & the heartbeat very slow & sluggish. It's did seem a lot slower than yesterday at ARGC & I'm now wondering if stopping the drugs has made things worse.

    I finally saw the Dr who was a tall Jamacian man. ( Lenny Henry build) he was amazing. So caring and so angry at how id been treated. He told me to go home restart my drugs & do a lot of praying & get many people to pray with/for you. Stranger things have happened.
    He said " you still have a heartbeat today & your baby is not giving up, so why are you?" We may only be the NHS but we are not about making money & we will look after you. I'm not saying it's going to be successful but there is still hope with a heartbeat. Come back next Thursday for a scan & I will be very interested to see what's happening."
    As I left the sister came out & wished me good luck.

    What a completely different approach & how caring & supportive.

    So I'm back on the drugs & praying that I haven't done any damage by stopping for 24 hours. So as the Dr has ordered, anyone else that wants to add to the  ^pray^ Fest that needs to commence for a week, please join in & ask your friends. ;)
    Everything can only help my little miracle.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #87 on: 24/05/14, 07:24 »
    Hmmmmm started cramping last night so jabbed myself with a Gestone rather than cyclogest.
    Just  ^pray^ it's Rocky having a growth spurt & finally playing ball.

     ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #88 on: 27/05/14, 11:46 »
    How do I feel today?

    Apprehensive, sad, alone, defeated.....

    Cramping stopped as have any slight pregnancy symptoms I may've had. (.)(.) no longer sore or heavy & back to normal size. No sickness, no increase in appetite, stopped needing the loo. Waiting until Thursday to have a scan is torture. I would rather know now so I can move on & deal with things if I have to. My worry is that having a scan on Thursday means that they won't fit me in for an ERPC until the following week if needed. I really don't want to string this out any longer than I have to if not physically but emotionally. So far I've held it all together. But I guess that's because I'm in limbo land. I have no answer either way do I?

    When this is over where do I go from here? DH thinks we now no longer need IVF! (I do not agree & that annoys me he thinks like that.)
    Although if I think about things logically, I only see DH 6 months a year so therefore only get to have  ^BMS^ 50% less time than anyone else. For the last 2-3 years we have done IVF 3x a year so therefore DH & I have only tried naturally 3 months a year for the last 2-3 years.

    I have another curveball that is messing with my head. DH has been offered a promotion. No more money, but an amazing career move for him. But........ Wait for it.......... It's a residential position................ in ..................... Athens!!!!!

    He wants me to make a decision if I would be happy to pack my life up & move to Athens or alternatively I spend my time commuting back & forwards & he becomes resident in Athens for a year & I stay resident in UK until we work out if it suits us.

    There are pros & cons to this which are big pros & cons.
    Firstly we would be able to spend more time together at the appropriate time of the month.
    It would be warm & apparently my body responds well to warmth ( as per my Accupuncturist)
    We know Athens due to cycling in Serum.
    If we need IVF then I don't need to worry about DH not being around to do his bit.

    It'll screw us up financially as we would have to pay for 2 properties. Rent in Athens & our mortgage. Athens is expensive.
    Athens is not a cosmopolitan City like London. I found it very dirty & run down.
    We have 2 cats. 1 very elderly (who is my baby) she wouldn't be able to travel.
    I'm not sure if DH would resent me travelling back home after a while. It may actually cause more problems relationship wise.

    Being left on your own to fend for yourself after being a couple is a big adaption to make. I've been doing it for over 8 years & it still doesn't get any easier. However DH has never had to do it. He goes to the rig, works his ^Booty^ off for 28 days solid then comes home & I'm here for a month. Then he repeats the process again.
    He isn't the one that gets left, coming home to an empty house. Having to deal with your own company & finding things to fill your time.
    If we do the Athens move & what we have discussed, he's not going to want me to disappear & come back to the UK so he's left in a foreign country on his own. Is he?
    It'll end up becoming an argument & as he holds the purse strings, 'cause there's no way I can get a part time job if we do this, he'll end up not paying for the flights.

    I don't want to stop him from taking this opportunity & think it would be a great career move for him. But it's actually not on my priority list to consider right at this moment.

    He's told me he's detached from this pregnancy & thinks that we just have to admit it hasn't worked & move on!  ^idiot^
    I reminded him that he hasn't seen the heartbeat, if he did he may think differently & I'm physically attached to it whether I want to be or not. Even if we get bad news on Thursday I can't just move on as I've got to get it out of me one way or another & then recover! Seriously!  >:(

    There is far too much to think about at the moment & I'm getting a headache from it all. DH is home next week & I just think he'll be totally normal as if nothing ever happened, because actually all he ever saw was 2 lines on a pee stick. He's not been to any scan etc so this again hasn't been a real experience for him.
    I know why he feels detached because he literally has been detached both physically & emotionally. But I can't & telling me to detach myself & move on makes me  ^tantrum^ ^furios^ ^swear^
    Technically I'm still pregnant & Rocky is still there fighting. Or is he? I don't know anymore & the waiting game is torture.

    I really need a big bottle of Vino to get absolutely blotto'ed!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Fresh cycle number 6! I must be mad!
    « Reply #89 on: 28/05/14, 18:49 »
    D-Day tomorrow.

    Suddenly a rush of sadness has filled my heart.