* Author Topic: IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start  (Read 13375 times)

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Offline _MrsH_

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IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
« Reply #40 on: 11/04/14, 12:19 »
The last two weeks have dragged by slowly....infact the first week wasn't so bad as I was into my first week in a new job so it went quickly but this week has dragged. Not been feeling too positive although I have had really sore boobs and back pain but then stomach ache started.

Went this morning for OTD bloods and I can no longer handle the waiting!! It's honestly going so slow. We had a lovely nurse - think her name was Julie and she chatted to us for ages. She was so lovely and kind which really helped me to feel better. Keeping my fingers crossed for 1:30pm though - went to church after hospital and prayed for myself which seems a bit selfish but oh well....whatever keeps you going I suppose.

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    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #41 on: 12/04/14, 00:35 »
    Well.......results day is here. Hospital went ok this morning, spoke to a lovely nurse called Julie who is amazing. She is so good at keeping your spirits up and spoke to us about HCG levels which no one has told us about before and then also discussed what would happen next if it was negative.

    Then came the wait. When I finally got through to results line it we had a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! Absolutely gutted to be honest and devastated doesn't come remotely close. Although the nurse I spoke to, Trish, was lovely when I phoned but it didn't stop me being any less upset. I was crying on the phone to her but trying to keep it in.

    She's arranged an appointment with Dr Lashan on 13th May to discuss moving onto IVF which in all honesty scares me to death! We don't know much about it so don't know what to expect. I've just heard lots of horror stories about the egg collection. I feel so lost, have a banging headache after crying most of the day. Then had to pull myself together to go to football tonight. Had a couple of alcoholic drinks tonight too and feel drunk haha   oh well!! Also enjoyed a full fat coke which I haven't had for months!! 

    Feeling so let down. Not only do I feel like I've let myself down and let David down but I feel let down by my mum and brother and sisters who haven't shown any support at all over the last few weeks. They only contact me when they want something and even then they haven't asked how I am. Sod it! So angry at them today!!

    Now I'm going to spend the next couple of days having me time and then will pick myself up again.

    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #42 on: 15/04/14, 16:08 »
    Well...I think I could crumble!! I honestly think I have reached my breaking point. On the outside I probably look like I usually do but on the inside I feel like I'm breaking. It is honestly the worst feeling in the world - it feels like my heart could break, it feels heavy. I don't like this feeling. I know people say that we have other chances but I dont want another chance - I so wanted this one to work. I never wanted to get to the IVF stage - it seems so final and so much more difficult than IUI. It is so serious.

    Since January we have had three rounds of IUI - January, February and March and not one of them has worked. That is a long time to continuously invest in something such as fertility treatment. It consumes your every breath and every waking minute. It just feels that this time has devastated me more.

    The wait to see the consultant is ages away or it at least seems it! I think we will be looking at July before we start IVF and that pushes past another 'First Christmas' we could be having and another year older for us!  I don't know how I can possibly get through the next few months doing nothing after investing so much time, energy and effort since Christmas. I feel like I've let myself down and I feel like I've let David down. I'm inadvertently stopping him from having a family of his own that isn't fair. That is also really hard to think about as he could be with someone enjoying children and instead he's stuck with me injecting day after day and I feel so much guilt. I know I have to pull myself together somehow and I don't know how to, I have invested so much time and effort and after spending 3 months feeling so poorly and now I have no idea what to do. Im one step closer to it not working.

    I have no idea how to go about trying to function each month until we go again, function without each night being taken up by injections and medication. I know having to inject yourself isn't easy, that feeling of being constantly ill everyday for weeks on end isn't nice but it at least means you are on your way to possibly having a family. It's not been easy, I've had to get through it. I've had to be strong but third time round I can't be brave, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt because it does. I'm having to rely on David for support and he's hurting too. There is no one else to blame.

    I feel so let down by those that are supposed to care. I know everyone has their own life and their own things to focus on but no one seems to care about me.........about us.  Going through something as hard as this is awful on your own. We have had David's mum to rely on and my dad has been there in his own way and a few friends but my mum is nowhere to be seen and neither is my brothers or sister. Yes they have their own stuff going on but so do I!! It really hurts. The fact my brother is having a baby doesn't bother me or make me feel jealous, I just want to have a baby of my own. I deserve that right. Three months of solid treatment is hard work, it drains you and robs you of any chance of having a baby 'naturally'. People saying it'll happen, you're still young doesn't help. I don't want peoples pity, I just want what everyone else has and I might sound bitter but that's because I probably am, I can't apologise for that.


    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #43 on: 22/04/14, 11:48 »
    Still feeling quite sad and raw at the minute, I'm going to the doctors this afternoon to speak to them about counselling as we haven't been offered it before. I dont know if we havent been offered it because we aren't up to the 'serious' stage yet. Part of me feels like I should be getting on with it when I still seem to be 'grieving' for what has gone. I feel like I'm boring people by still going on about it!

    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #44 on: 24/04/14, 21:41 »
    So...I went to the doctors who made me feel like a right idiot!! He basically laughed in my face and said that I needed to speak to Jessops as I know the reason for my anxiety so the counsellors at my doctors surgery couldn't deal with it!! I came out sobbing!! Feel like a fool, like I should have got over it already!

    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #45 on: 28/04/14, 17:39 »
    Well, today has been a horrid day! Been up since 3am with gallstone pain! Honestly though I was dying at 4am! Could quite easily have phoned an ambulance. Managed to get in to the doctors who said that I should phone an ambulance straight away next time it comes on strong so I can get some morphine for the pain. She's going to refer me to have my gall bladder out so hopefully I will be pain free soon xx

    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #46 on: 12/05/14, 21:16 »
    Not been on here much over the last couple of weeks, think I needed a bit of time to compose myself a little bit! We are back at the hospital to see Dr Lashan tomorrow (I'm not looking forward to that as I find him very scary!) Also worried that he'll say I have to lose weight again - my bmi has crept back up to 28.7 so hopefully still in the range. So disappointed in myself for not keeping the weight off when having IUI. Determined to start again - the hubby has promised to help properly this time. Hopefully we will get the go ahead tomorrow and we will get a date to start. Just saying it makes me feel sick!! Arghhh

    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #47 on: 15/05/14, 17:40 »
    Went to the hospital for our follow up with Dr Lashan, We were only in there 5 minutes. Asked him what the reason is to me not getting pregnant and he said he didn't know. Asked if it was because of my PCOS and he said no, so I asked if it was unexplained infertility and he didn't know that either!! GRRRRR!!!   ^idiot^   There must be a reason surely!! He then just signed us up to IVF and sent us to reception. Came out with less information than when we went in!

    Went to reception, got booked in for June 20th to see the nurse for injection training, hopefully she will give us more information. Then got booked in for treatment starting 23rd June depending on cycle start date.  I then came on my period last night so that means my cycle is due the week before in June. Phoned them back and they have changed it so we see nurse on Wednesday then start treatment a week earlier in June. Argghh!! Scary!!

    Offline _MrsH_

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    « Reply #48 on: 21/05/14, 07:11 »
    Today is our appointment with the nurse to discuss IVF and have injection training!! Arghhh so scared!!! Think I'll feel sick most f the day - I won't be able to concentrate!

    Offline _MrsH_

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    IUI starting January 2014 - New Year New Start
    « Reply #49 on: 21/05/14, 21:09 »
    I finally feel like I have some idea what everyone is talking about with IVF!! We had our meeting with the nurses today for injection training and general chat - was there nearly 2 hours, infact they'd locked us in when we went to leave!

    Managed to ask lots of questions and have my fears erased (kind of!) so now I feel more prepared. Saw Trish and a nurse called Celia who was on secondment from gynea. Both were lovely. Although they surprised us both with a blood test which we weren't expecting!!  ^bigbad^   We then got to chat about our fears - egg collection is a big one. I now feel more prepared for it as I was reassured I'd be dosed up on sedative. I also have a huge phobia of being sick which absolutely terrifies me incase I start to feel sick during egg collection. The nurses wrote it down and said they would give me anti sickness drugs just incase. This was a massive deal for me - being sick would put me off the whole thing. I know when we finally have a baby the chance of me being sick is extremely high but at least I know that that will be for a reason - a baby will be growing.
    We discussed OHSS which apparently I am in a high risk category as I have PCOS - they told me what to look out for. I'm not particularly worried about it at the moment but if I know what to look out for then that will hopefully keep me safe.  Trish did say that if they have to stop treatment for OHSS the eggs would be collected and I would have treatment put on hold and use the eggs on my next cycle.
    What is good is that because I do have PCOS I have a bigger chance of producing lots of eggs which gives me a better chance of them being frozen. If for example I have four embryos frozen that would be another four attempts at getting them implanted which is good. Its always worth having another option. At least that is what I think they said....its all very confusing!!
    Had lots of consent forms to fill in. They explained the injections which confused us a bit more, I'm now worried that when I inject them in a morning I'll feel rubbish all day. When I had Gonal-f before I felt rubbish after it so if I have it in a morning surely i'll feel ill during the day. I hope not! Didn't get chance to practice the syringe injection which I wasn't happy about - I want to know what to expect. Oh my God!1 Its getting so real now.

    I'm so excited although my stomach is in knots at being so nervous!! I think i'm going to explode!!It's amazing - you have so many different emotions you can't put them into words!! You don't know what is normal and what's not.

    We had a bit of a row before we got to the hospital and ended up walking our separate ways and spending half an hour apart before we got to clinic. Think it was built up tension. I hope so anyway. We're ok again now though which is good.

    Had a discussion at the clinic about Mr Lashen our consultant, on the consent forms it said about him giving us information so I said we'd not really spoken to him! He kind of just mumbles, we were only in the room with him a matter of minutes! The nurses said that is just his manner an that he is lovely. If he does egg collection (ARGHHH!!!) I think i'll scare myself again. Although they said he'd be really chatty and lovely. So we'll see! Hope its on a mondya - he only does them on a saturday!! (sods law!!!)

    Think i've scared myself talking about it again haha

    So now we are just waiting for AF to show and we can get cracking. It should be around 17th June. Eeeeekkkkk