* Author Topic: Waiting to start donor family, future in hubby's hands.  (Read 1102 times)

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Offline Sparkle30

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My husband and I started our infertility journey February 2013, which sounds fairly recent but now feels like a lifetime!  We had been trying for over a year and just felt that we should get checked out.  My tests came back fine so hubby was investigated.  We were invited to the doctors to get the results which I thought was a bit suspect but were not prepared for the verdict of 'no sperm'.  The GP just kept saying it was highly unusual and that he had never seen results like it.  He thought maybe there had been a mistake and hubby should retake the test.  I knew this was serious, whereas hubby understandably took the denial route of it must be a mistake.
Within one 10minute appointment the doctor had mentioned ivf, donor, and adoption! 

Our fears were only confirmed with the next appointment.  We went through 2 rounds of ICSI treatment each time I suffered with OHSS and although fertilisation was high the embryos would not develop properly and each time we had one or two transferred back day 3 but were only 2 or 4 cells.  Neither took and the doctors said it would be morally wrong to continue as it is unlikely to work and the emotional and monetary cost is too high for the odds. 

We were told our options are to use a donor or adopt if we want a family.  Our last cycle was in April and I am still living in limbo every day as hubby can't seem to take the leap to start the process.  We have been going to counselling together since August and Hubby often gives me glimpses of hope but then other times says things that makes me think he'll never agree to it.

We are a very loving couple, we have been together for over 11 years and married for nearly 4 years.  We always wanted children, Hubby sometimes more broody than me!  We are still very close and the icsi treatment brought us closer.  But this is causing me daily pain now.  I feel like he has my dreams in his hands and won't let go.  I have tried to say (yesterday) that I think the time has come to move on, but he didn't really say much except about 'unsure about having another mans baby'.

In some ways I think maybe I'm being selfish but if it was the other way around then I would use a donor egg so we could have children together and raise a family.

All (no exaggeration!)  of my friends are pregnant or given birth the last 6months.  I am a Foundation Stage teacher and are surrounded by children everyday.  I cant switch off from the constant need to have a family and have a baby with hubby (donor or not). 

I'm feeling very alone and scared that I'm going to be sad forever at the moment.  I know this is a lot of information in one message but I needed to get it all out in one go.  I used to be a very happy, positive and enthusiastic person.  I started everyday with a smile and felt like I was so lucky to have a wonderful husband, amazing friends, a job I love and a great house which we are doing up.

Now I cry more days than I don't, my friends don't really include me or text me much anymore, my job just hurts and I have a 5 bedroom house that we were supposed to fill with children.

Any help or advice welcome.

Thanks for reading x


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    Offline Bumble Bus

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     ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

    How cruel that you had the hope of doing treatment with DH's sperm... slightly different to our situation as we got a definitive 'no' from multiple zero SA and then TESE so no option to do treatment with my DH's sperm. 

    It took over a year after the negative TESE for my DH to be ready to go ahead with donor.  It has only been 6 months since your last treatment which I know is forever when you are waiting but perhaps isn't long enough for him to really move on from the hope of having biological children?  I think it's a really positive sign that he has been willing to go to counselling, but again 2/3 months maybe isn't that long in the context of what you are both dealing with and having to let go.

    Have you heard of or looked into the Donor Conception Network at all?  The most helpful single thing we did (apart from the time grieving and talking) was to attend a 'preparation for parenthood' course (I think they might have changed the name slightly).  It was with a few couples considering sperm or egg donation and gave us an opportunity to talk in our couple and in groups about all of the issues with DC.  It was also super helpful for my DH to meet other nice, normal blokes who are in the same situation.  It helped us to tackle the issues head on and take a step forward in our decision-making.

    I am now 15 weeks pregnant with twins and I'm not sure if we ever won't be sad that that he can't be biologically related to our children.  However there is no doubt in our minds about who is their Daddy.  He has kissed my belly at bedtime every night since the day of ET, is the person who worries about scans, has cleaned up my sick and looked after me.

    In hindsight, I'm glad we took the time to be really clear about our decision but I know how painful it is when you are waiting.  Good luck and post back if I can help, I'm sure others will be along too.


    Offline susie7600

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    Hi Sparkle, we seem to be in a similar position and I know how hard it is :( 

    In counselling this summer my dh said he would be more comfortable with us using double donor, as if we just used donor sperm he would feel that we weren't 'even' and he'd be jealous of me. I understood this and eventually came to the conclusion that it was something I'd be prepared to do as all I want is for us to have a family together.

    Since then he has constantly been finding reasons to put off starting treatment, and eventually I got out of him that he wasn't sure about donor at all and wasn't sure he was ready to give up on us tying with his sperm, even though there is a very small chance of it working. Now I feel like the decision is completely in his hands and when I try to push him in to talking about it he just says he hasn't thought about it much, which drives me crazy as I feel my biological clock ticking constantly - I'm nearly 38 so time isn't on our side.

    Sorry I can't offer much advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone x

    Offline bobbinhead

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    HI Sparkle.

    I have been where you have and i think for most men it takes time. Many associate fathering a child with being a man and it takes a while for that to go. Lucky for me we had years to get over this as i was only 20 when we found out my hubbys reversal hadnt worked and i wasnt ready then. But now hes on board and actually enjoyed "shopping" for the sperm. It will work out he just needs time. Like somebody else said talking to another man helps. My hubby went to my step dad and it was him that put my hubbys mind at rest

    Offline BroodyChick

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    • IVF as single egg sharer w known donor
    Waiting to start donor family, future in hubby's hands.
    « Reply #4 on: 30/11/14, 22:20 »
    Sparkle and susie, I do hope your DH's come around to the idea...
    I can also recommend DCN and as much counselling as you can get.
    My ex wasn't able to father more children and this was clear fairly early on, there was no question in my mind I wanted to have my own bio child (and soon), so we used a frozen embryo from a KD IVF cycle.
    My exDH was so supportive before and during my pregnancy and birth, but he changed completely once the baby was six weeks old, and walked out on us when he was 3 months.
    A cautionary tale maybe, I do wish I'd have spent a bit of time on counselling and soul searching with him, but I am so pleased I didn't waste any more time and ended up with my beautiful baby.
    Really hope this will make your relationships stronger and your partners aren't as spineless as my ex. x