* Author Topic: Hoping and Praying ICSI 3 gives us our BFP... ICSI Number 4 and still hoping  (Read 27106 times)

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Offline Prettypink

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 And so I have decided to start a diary for my ICSI number 3..

So from the start we decided we would try for a family 5 years ago.  After a year and nothing I went to the doctor where I got bloods done.  I don't have a regular period and never have done so I just thought I would need to get something like clomid and that would be it.. How wrong was I...

Bloods back and by luck I had ovulated and so we were referred to a clinic that deals with infertility.  4 months later and we had our app at the clinic where we both got bloods, I had a scan and my DP had to hand in a sample.  Leaving the app the nurse basically said yous don't want a letter as its bad news.. Oh thanks for that I thought..  A few weeks later and we get a letter, the clinic want another sample in 3 months time.  I can remember my heart racing trying not to over think but knowing something wasn't right.  I could see my DP was gutted but not saying much.  The minute he left for work the tears came and I cried so much.  I just couldn't believe it, I honestly thought i would just need a wee something to sort my periods and that would be it..  I phoned the hospital, the nurse couldn't explain results over the phone but she said they weren't the worse but not good either.  If the next one was the same we would need IVF..  Gutted

3 months on and the results were much the same so we had an app another 3 months away to discuss results.  Was the hardest few months.  Felt devastated and sad.  Tried not to cry too much in front of my DP as I knew he was so down and gutted could see it even tho he didn't say much.  At the app we were told we would need IVF and that we would be refereed to a clinic that does it but its a year waiting list?! A year felt like forever, had already took months to get test done and now a year.  Felt so low for months, trying to take it all in, just didn't think this is where we would end up.

A year and a half later and we are ready to start our 1st ICSI.  We had waited so long for this and we just couldn't believe it was starting.  Was so excited and nervous  :)
Treatment went well, responded well and got 12 eggs, 8 fertilized and 2 good embies back.  Result BFN, devastated.  Really hit me hard the weeks that followed, couldn't control the tears just felt so low.  DP was great, he didn't show how he was feeling just always making sure I was ok.

3 Months later and we started our 2nd ICSI after a letter from the clinic saying sorry about your  BFN and that they were encouraging us to go for our 2nd shot as everything went well and we would not need a review.  So back on this journey.  Again I responded well 19 eggs but only 2 fertilized and not great.  I knew from that call things didn't look great and I kinda knew it wasn't gonna work.  BFN again, devastated but angry this time round.  Why us I asked myself, that was me I was finished with treatment and didn't wanna go through it again, putting ourselves through that for nothing but heartache.

A year and a half and its 2015 and we are about to start our 3rd ICSI  :) scared scared scared xx

Ill be back on later, back to work

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    Offline Prettypink

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    Hoping and Praying ICSI 3 gives us our BFP
    « Reply #1 on: 17/01/15, 00:20 »
    After a long few months researching we decided to go with the GCRM   :)  so far so good.   We've had our two shots with the NHS and so next step private.   Think it feels a bit more pressure knowing how much it costs. Not even just that but after the heartache we've been through plus the pressure over the last few years we decided this would be our last shot as we can't keep going through it plus it just takes over your life.  I have always dreamed of having my own family and the thought of not I just can't except and so us saying it's our last shot is hard to say, sometimes I just want my dp to say never say never in a few years if it doesn't work but in a way I have to accept his feelings too.

    Since st the moment we are saying third and final we want to put everything into it.  We take all our vitamins have done for years, eat healthy, cut back drinking, keep fit and both get reflexology.   We are gonna use Eeva which was recommended to us, some had different views on it from what I've read buy we're gonna go with it plus I've been reading up on the scratch and glue which I've never had In the past.. Definitely gonna get scratch, got meds ordered, appointments booked in and we're good to go Feb.   I definitely don't have that feeling I did the very first time,  that whole excitement I'm just terrified 😰 tbh knowing if it doesn't work how we're gonna feel.  Anyways I really need to snap out of it and try get positive, all I can do is  ^pray^ for our BFP

    Enough rambling,  I'm sure my post won't be as long now. Bedtime even tho its the weekend my life is so rock and roll now a days hehe

    Be in touch soon  💞n💞💞💞😘

    Offline Prettypink

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    Hoping and Praying ICSI 3 gives us our BFP
    « Reply #2 on: 18/01/15, 11:21 »
    Sunday already, weekend goes too quick!

    Not much happening, out for dinner last night but apart from that quiet.  Watched big brother (sad I know) always like the celebrity one.  Snow pretty bad here and it's freezing ❄
    Still managed out a long walk with the dog was wrapped up in layers! Love a good walk good to clear the head plus burns off some of the calories I've munched 😂

    Anyways gonna phone clinic tomorrow and get booked in for scratch, not sure where you get it in your cycle will find out tomorrow.  Start the first of the meds beginning of February z don't know why but I said to my dp that I think this time round I'm not gonna feel great this time round.  This protocol is very different from My Last, I was never up or down last time and don't Think I turned in to a mad hormonel witch, well no one said different .

    Time to head out to the cold ❄ Brrrr  😘 💞
     

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    « Reply #3 on: 19/01/15, 22:17 »
    Just watched Broadchurch which I'm loving  :) remember watching the last series which was two years ago as I was just starting my first icsi treatment.  Where does the years go?!

    Didn't manage to phone clinic about scratch.  My mum took not well and doctors sent her into hospital for further test which is worrying.  She's never been this unwell or been in hospital like this  :-[  when I seen her she looked terrible and just not herself,  hoping we get some answers and she gets better soon  ^hugme^  just with everything going on I just didn't feel like phoning the clinic.  Just had that horrible feeling I get when somethings wrong,  not a great start to the year.  Just wish my mum well x

    Bedtime for now 😘 💞 💞

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    « Reply #4 on: 21/01/15, 17:17 »
    What a day 😔  nothing happened  just one of those days.  Feeling stressed. Seen my mum last night still not any further forward and she's Still unwell, and just wants home.  Nothing we can say that's gonna make her feel better she's just scunnered, not so good.

    Not managed to phone the clinic to book in for scratch, not even sure when I would get it?! Hopefully I'll do it tomorrow.  Pick up meds next week,  coming in pretty quickly.

    Seen my nieces earlier, they always cheer me up 💜 back to work soon, will be glad to get finished.  Won't manage hospital visit tonight or tomorrow night as I'm working late, my poor dad stressed trying to visit during the day and nights aswel as working.

    A down post today sorry. 💞 💞

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    « Reply #5 on: 22/01/15, 22:57 »
    Glad it's nearly Friday. Been one of those weeks.  Mum seems to be getting better so that's a weight off my shoulders, still not out of hospital but hopefully soon 😊

    Busy day with work, just felt like I couldn't be arsed?! Think this week as just been a stressful one plus getting closer to starting treatment maybe I'm getting more stressed than I realise who knows.  Hopefully I can start getting in the right mind track and try start thinking positive.  It's been that long since we last done treatment and maybe doesn't seem like it's happening soon?  I don't know can't explain it  ^idiot^

    Anyways phoned clinic about scratch, nurse gave me a few dates so need to see when suits dp as he'l be taking me.  Hopefully get that booked tomorrow 250 just like that to get a few scratches of pain lol but know what I would try anything if it gonna help us get that bfp.

    We're both gonna be taking time off on the tww, not the two weeks just the one, planning to go away a few days maybe to Edinburgh 😊 just hard trying to work out when that will be so we can book in our holidays at work.  My dp was asking what dated ec and et would be, was frustrating me 😤 as I've already said to him more than once that this protocol is different from last time ands it's a different clinic so really what's the length of a peice of string?! Argh men

    Bedtime for me. 💞 😘 💞

    Offline Prettypink

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    « Reply #6 on: 24/01/15, 23:29 »
    Well I'll be glad to see the back of this week 😐 just been feeling so stressed out. Think between my mum still not well and the treatment not far away.

    Went to the shops today but couldn't be bothered even looking tbh just wasn't in the mood.  The decaf coffee and cake cheered me up, then went for dinner to the inlaws which was nice , always get well fed there lol.

    Was chatting with my mother in law and she was asking about my mum, have been keeping her up to date with it all so just filled her in in the latest which isn't much still not any further forward.  She then asked me if we were still going ahead with the treatment next month with all the stress, hadn't really thought about that?!  Have been pretty stressed this week with it all and now with her saying that has made me worry and question if we should go through it 😔  I'm really hoping my mum gets better and she gets better and then I can start focusing on myself and the treatment,  hope that doesn't sound selfish.  We have put the treatment off from last and had said we would enjoy Christmas and new year then get started.  All our appointments are booked,  treatment and meds paid for and we've sorted time off work,  just worry we go through it get a bfn and then we wished we had waited?!  Tbh I could keep putting if off, I don't think I'll ever be 100% ready to go through it whether it's now, later this year or next year just how I feel.

    Such an emotional rollercoster,  up and down constantly.  people reading this must think I'm a miserable so and so but Im honestly not lol just been a crap week.  I promise I will pick myself up and get on the positive thinking ☺ treatment is just around the Corner eek I feel the nerves in my tummy as I say that ..

    Magazine to read then lights out sleepy time soon 😘 💞


    Offline Prettypink

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    « Reply #7 on: 25/01/15, 10:16 »
    Today I have woken up feeling benter than yesterday!

    Been thinking this morning and we will go ahead with treatment and stick with our plans.  We are putting everything into this and if it's meant to be it's meant to be.  I desperately want a family but I also have to make sure I don't ruin what I have and that is a loving relationship and a good life. Who knows what the future has for us but I always someone else out there worse off.

    So positive thinking, starting thinking of treatment and hoping my mum gets out and gets well, I'm lucky to still have both parents, a great family and friends, nice house, nice holidays and I enjoy my job, of course a family of my own would just be a blessing and just complete us 💜

    Just wanted to write this down while I was thinking it and remind myself of what I have..

    Off to start my day 😘 💞

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    « Reply #8 on: 26/01/15, 22:54 »
    Today started off good well as good as it gets for a Monday.  Was kept busy with work plus managed a quick food shop before heading to get my reflexology.

    Always eat pretty healthy during the week and have a pig out at the weekend But feel I've maybe not been eating as much fruit as I should,  always find I eat more in the summer so I picked up some extra, and as of today I'm really gonna eat extra fruit, veg and protein especially with the treatment just around the Corner.

    Reflexology was great, felt by the time she started working on my second foot I was so relaxed I could have dozed off 😊  she said my feet were clear just a bit tight which can be caused with tension and stress.  Had filled her in with my mum's situation and obviously she know we're starting the treatment soon so probably just a minute mixer of both.  Was planning on going home to get settled and watch Broadchurch but text my dad to see if my mum was getting out as I seen her yesterday and she seemed better but she didn't get out so thought I better pop in and see her as working late the rest of the week.  Tbh after the text from my dad I felt a bit stressed just wish we could get back to normal,  talk of Wednesday but who knows?!

    So that was my cosy night in up in The air 😏 lol not that I grudged visiting her but hey Ho needs must.  Managed home for Broadchurch which was good ! Want to see next week's already !!

    Got the clinic Wednesday to Get meds so will book in for scratch when I'm there that way I can discuss with dp when suits him as he will Be my chauffeur.  Not sure what's up With him seemed a bit scunnered today ? Hopefully just one of Those days, I had one of those weeks glad to see The Back of it!!

    Bedtime for me 😘 💞 💞


    Offline Prettypink

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    « Reply #9 on: 28/01/15, 22:32 »
    Another day done, so far feeling better than last week.  Mum getting better and hopefully getting home Friday at the latest so that's great!

    Was kept busy with work, snow came on about 5pm tonight pretty h heavy typical when we were just heading to the clinic.  Got there in time and was really just in and out. Picked up half my meds 😷 so start Norethisterone on Tuesday and metfomin Thursday, after two weeks of upping doses and stopping I should have a bleed then it's all go with injections?!  Booked in for scratch on the 14th..  So that's it we're ready to go, still feeling pretty nervous /stressed but just need to take each day as it comes and try not over think, hard I know but this is it all those months of researching clinics, putting it off and on, deciding when?!  Must admit was a hard year last year even tho we didn't do treatment it was always in the back of my mind plus our relationship was pushed to the limit 😔  think just with all the stress we have went through the last few years really took its toll.  Hopefully that's behind us! Do feel we are in a better place than last year 💜  new year new beginnings  ^pray^

     I'm saying I feel better this week but my dp has been in a I canny be arsed mood since Monday!  He had a crap day Monday at work and the gym and when it interferes with his gym that's it face tripping him.  Was actually pretty peed off Monday with him as he came in  all annoyed feeling tired and couldn't be arsed and I'm feeling it as my dad text saying mum's not getting out and she was upset as she just wants home plus she's still not 100% was thinking get your priorities right?! Worse things going on!! Rant over lol.  Even his texts over the last few days have been pretty short.  On the to the hospital I said to him you are allowed to have these kinda canny be arsed weeks we all have them where as I think he just wants to be constant bang bang bang with everything and when he's not he gets peed off and nips at me like tonight over something silly.  I think he's stressed with the treatment coming up more than he thinks and I said that tonight.  Hope he wakes up in a better mood tomorrow ha

    Know we're gonna have some stressful times coming ahead this is really only the beginning.  I'm gonna promise myself that I try stay as calm as I can and do nice things to keep it that way, long walks, bubble baths, out for dinner, got a new book don't read alot but if I get a good book I can really get into it!

    Anyways watched big brother earlier what a rabble?!  Just heading to my bed, busy day tomorrow, if I get anywhere snow is really bad?!  Roll on summer 🌼

    Night 💞 😘 💞