* Author Topic: Hoping and Praying ICSI 3 gives us our BFP... ICSI Number 4 and still hoping  (Read 27107 times)

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Offline Prettypink

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Scan today confirmed what we already knew, what should have been our 8 week scan was a sad confirmation our little lentil had stopped growing  :'( Haematoma still there and looks pretty big

If we opted for a surgical procedure we would have to wait another week or two, something I'm not willing to do so we are in on Saturday for a tablet then back Monday to be monitored.  I really hope this is all it takes and I don't need further treatment.

The last week has been the worst week of my life.  I've never sobbed so much and couldn't control it, I really was struggling and worried how I was going to cope.  I got a line from my doctor, no way could I have went to work or faced anyone.  I just wanted to curl up in a ball and be with my dp.  We have been out runs most days, even if it's just to for a coffee or to the beach just to get out the house but not to meet anyone we know.

Last night I put all my paperwork in a folder and put all my test, scans and stuff in a wee box and put it away.  I need to accept whats happened and move on and felt it had to be done.  I know the next few months will be hard esp with Christmas round the corner but we have each other and pray we get through this.  We have been through so much and feel we are strong, we have both agreed that putting all our heartache aside we did get a positive something we have never achieved in the past ever and that's something we have to hold onto.

^pray^ our dreams come true.  To think we're back to square one is makes me sad, to think we had our dreams come true and to be taken is heartbreaking but we'll get through this.  Dp has been amazing and I need to remember he grieving too, he's going through this as much as me.  He's just been looking after me, being there for me.  I'll keep a close eye on him too as he can be deep and not open up.  I have spoken to him and told him to speak to me anytime, I'm always there for him not matter what  ^hugme^

Today strangely enough I haven't cried, esp today of all days but I've cried so much and felt such pain that I'm tired and drained with it all.  My hearts been broken and don't think I can ever feel the way I did from last Wed on wards.  It's now time to get this procedure done and try mend my heart.  This Journey is one of the hardest, surely it can only make us stronger xxx

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    Offline Prettypink

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    So from yesterday I'm no longer pregnant  :-[

    In on Saturday for the tablet then in yesterday most of the day.  Didn't know what to expect really.  Manageable, sore and cramps but by lunchtime I knew I had passed what they wanted  :'(  The nurses were really nice and I was just so glad it was over.  Been a very long few weeks and one of the hardest ever.  I'm taking each day at a time but feeling a bit better as the days pass but know this is just the beginning of the grief.  I honestly didn't know how I was going to cope in the last few weeks but somehow I'm managing to pull myself together and plod on as we do on this journey.  I'm physically ok, no cramps/pain just some light bleeding, hopefully it doesn't last too long.

    I went back to work today, maybe to soon or crazy but I needed back to routine and back to normal in a way.  My mum and mil tried to talk me into another week off but just felt I had to get back.  At least it would take my mind off things for a bit.  Everyone at work been really nice and glad to see me back.  They don't know how I was off and just basically said personal/woman issues.  I really don't want anyone knowing my business and keeping it that way apart from my manager that's it.


    Dp doing ok.  Over the weekend he was pretty quiet and I knew he was feeling it.  He has been amazing, looking after me but as I said to him he's going though this too and not to bottle it up!  Think we both just feel back to this low feeling with this dark cloud hanging over us just as we had been feeling for years.  I know we will get through this, somehow we will get there.  We want this so much and I'm not ready to give up esp after everything we've been through.

    Now the await for our review appointment.  Not sure when to expect it, really hoping we go before Christmas, go over everything and start with a new plan.  I seem to cope better having a plan tbh, seems to get me through this.  I'm going to have a list of questions so I'm prepared, hopefully they can be answered but we'll see.  Not really sure what the outcome will be from the review,  sometimes wonder if they'll suggest donor?  Even tho our embies were never high class we still got our bfp something I'll cherish and that's why I would be aiming to go again with dp swimmers.  I'm going to do some further investigating with myself starting with bloods for clotting and I was thinking immune testing but that would need to be down south, the GCRM do uterine biopsy for NK cells so something I will look into.  Something that sticks in my head is I suffer from Raynolds and the more investigation I do it seems to be autoimmune and can cause problems, this is something I never even thought of until now as we were always concentrating on my dp and getting improvements on his side.  Any clinics in the pass have never checked my bloods for clotting etc again not thinking it was an issue where as now I'm thinking different.  Leading up to our treatment I did mention this to our Dr about my Raynolds/circulation but he didn't seem concerned and said embryo quality was our issue but he was more than happy to give me a steroid as I has asked about them.

    I came across a letter from the very first clinic we were sent to for investigation after seeing our doctor.  The letter stated a list of test/investigation for myself and dp that we could have done.  Think I had 4 ticked off the list and my dp 3 ticked off the list, a list out of 10.  So disappointing to think back then my dp could have had a scrotum scan but it was never done, was on the list but no tick! As well as his testosterone could have been tested but never was, again was on the list but never ticked!  Just feel so let down that no real investigation was ever done before our very 1st ICSI. 

    I know I'm all over the place and emotions are at a higher level but really do feel let down.

    So now we wait for our review, another waiting game really, the story of my life xxx 


    Offline Prettypink

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    A few weeks on from the worse few weeks.  Just plodding on really  :-[  As time goes on I'm less emotional, well if I let my mind wonder and think things like how many weeks I should be or next week could have been my 12 week scan the tears come  :'(   Try not to as it really upsets me but just so hard thinking what could have been...

    Funny how things just go back to normal.  I'm glad to be back to routine , work been ok but looking forward to finishing up for Christmas, just want to hibernate if I'm being honest.  Christmas is a thought too, trying to get organised and look forward to it but will be glad when it's over.

    Emailed the clinic to see if they contact me with an appointment, they will review our case and contact us.  I'm hoping it's before Christmas so we can go over everything, ask all our questions and hear their view on things.  I don't think we'll hesitate in going for another cycle, just feel the longer things drag out the harder.  My dp feels we could give it a good bash the natural way which is fine but I very much doubt it will happen, that would be wishful thinking!!  My periods are all over the place and just feel our chances are even slimmer between that and everything else.  I had it in my head 2017 we were going for it and we did, sadly wasn't to be.  My priority is to be pregnant again and my mission to work towards it.

    My parents, in-laws and sis and BIL have been amazing, honestly would be lost without my sister and BIL they have been our rock.  They only knew of our treatment and pregnancy and we hoped to surprise our parents with our scan but ended up giving them our sad new instead.  We haven't mentioned to anyone else and keeping it that way well apart from one friend who has experienced a similar situation and who has been amazing too.  It's like to plod on with normal life putting a face on but inside no one knows the heartache.

    Dp has been amazing too and we're both keeping each other going.  We're both back on all our vitamins and he's back on his snowballs, back to square one but we're determined.  I think focusing forward is what keeps us going.  My sister is always commenting on how strong we are and how many people would have crumbled by now including her.  Maybe we don't realise how strong we are, we're so used to pulling ourselves back up and plodding on on this journey!

    We had friends up at the weekend, my first proper drink in months and tbh both of us could see it far enough.  Don't mean that bad, was lovely seeing our friends as we hadn't seen them in ages plus they are good company but we just weren't really feeling it, could have easily got my jammies on and watched the Xfactor.  Didn't have that much to drink and by 11pm could have easily went to bed, not our usual party selves that we used to be.

    Now the wait continues.  Got some immune bloods done through my doctor just to see if anything shows up, asked for clotting too but she said they do many different ones and a request would need to come from our clinic.  Just trying to do as much as I can the now in prep for the future xxx

    Offline Prettypink

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    New Year and nothing to report.

    Christmas was nice with the family but do wonder how we managed so well!  No one would know any different, when you put a face on and act normal but inside your crumbling  :-[  I usually like my tree up early and did so as normal, just seemed like I was on auto pilot.  Dp could have easily not bothered and know he was struggling.  Even when out shopping I felt we were wondering about in a daze at times but we got there.  Just so glad its over now.

    I seemed to manage to put everything to the back of my mind, the minute I start to think about what happened really just upsets me.  Yeah I still have my tears some nights but to get through day to day life I just need to go with it, what else can we do.  Still can't believe we actually got pregnant but so heartbroken it was took from us.

    My SIL will be due soon and she is looking great, I don't see much of her and in a way it's better.  I feel so bad feeling like that but when I do see her it's just a reminder of what we desperately want :-[   I just feel when I see my in laws we are on such different levels, they are on a high and obviously excited where as we are so far from that and just feel keeping our distance is better.

    So where are we now, had our review before Christmas was a struggle getting an appointment which is quite frustrating.  I know it's NHS but if they are gonna offer private it should be a better service we are paying a lot of money.  I felt the app quite vague and didn't come away with anything new, the Dr said our embryos were much better than previous.  We said we felt we have seen massive improvements since attending Dr Ramsay, quite annoying that she had no clue what we were talking about and hadn't read our notes back  ???

    I requested anti clotting blood test, I had previously been to my own doctor and got auto immune bloods done where my ANA came back positive!  And from what I've read up this could be connected to Raynauds something that's been on my mind for a bit and I did high light during our treatment, this is when I was put on the steroid.  I don't know too much on ANA but I from what I've read antibodies attack healthy proteins.  I mentioned about getting the uterine biopsy as we want to do as much as we can before our next treatment, the Dr didn't seem to fussed about it and said I would be given the steroid again but for me I would rather what we are actually dealing with.

    So back next week, will get results from clotting and hopefully discuss our next steps.  I still have yet to have a period since the miscarriage, so frustrating but knew with the way my periods are would take a while.  I'm not sure when we would be allowed to start again and I'm sure I need to have 2 periods before starting but that's something I will ask.

    After over indulging on food and drink over the festive period I'm getting back on track with some healthy eating and exercise.  Did my 1st run in a long long time and felt good!  I'm trying to stay positive and  ^pray^ 2018 is our year!!  I was so determined last year and we did do, I know it didn't last but we did it after all these years.  I'm going to be as determined this year and keep focused, please please give us our longed for family  ^pray^ ^pray^ xxx





    Offline Prettypink

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    Oh and no reason for hematoma just one of these things when a pregnancy is failing  :'( Was hoping for a bit more but suppose that's the answer really.

    Another thing I did mention, when it comes to injections if menopur could be used?  We have only ever used it at the GCRM and got full fertilisation.  Gonal F I do get the numbers but fertilisation varies.  I'm more for quality and I know we had better quality this time I do believe that was because my dp sample has improved, maybe this wee change along with the steroids for me and antibiotics for dp may give that added boost!  Who knows but worth a try! xxx

    Offline Prettypink

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    So we were back for my results last week and all came back negative!!  :)  Not exactly sure what was tested I requested the clotting panel and glad to know all is negative, another thing ticked off the list.  Out of the auto immune tests, all came back negative apart from my ANA which I recently just picked up the results as my doctor gave me a print out minus that one.  No sure exactly what it means ANA Titer 1;80 Speckled but I'll send it onto my clinic tomorrow.

    After receiving the results the doctor asked if we had thought of our next steps which we said we would like to try again.  I thought she would recommend coming back once I've had 2 periods (still not had 1 since miscarriage) but was took by surprise when she said they could give me something to bring on one and so before anything bloods were taken to see where I am in my cycle.  I got the call the next day to say I had ovulated!?! and that I should be due a period.  I honestly don't know when I ovulated? I def didn't have the usual tell tail signs and the only thing I thought of was the other week I had a bit of cervical mucus nothing like I would normally and so I did a random ovulation test but to me even tho I seen a line it wasn't positive.  I always find ovulation test hard to read and you can get a line but its negative.  Now thinking maybe that's when I ovulated.  I would be off my head to think that maybe we caught it and managed to get pregnant!!! It would be a miracle  ^pray^  ^pray^ wishful thinking eh?!


    Once I get my period I've to phone and we'll take it from there.  Things are being slightly changed, the doctor advised staying on Gonal F but upping my dose, rather than the prostap she mentioned cetrotide something I was on at the GCRM.  The only thing is I'm not sure exactly how and when things will start and so when I phone with my period I'll ask if she can email me a plan of action as we'll need to tie in my dp anti biotics and I'm wanting to get the uterine biopsy.  She recommends the steroids again but didn't recommend the aspirin.

    So looks like it's all go again, didn't expect things to happen so quickly and suppose it's really up to us but just don't want things dragging on for months and months.  I'm scared, nervous, worried slightly excited but just taking each day at a time.  Going to try try try to remain positive and try relax and embrace it.  I'm trying to slow down in life and cutting back on work, feel bad but just need to be a bit selfish and put myself first.

    I'm going to keep up my running, I can really zone out and feels good getting back into it.  I'm going to look into getting some reflexology again, used to get it before my 3rd cycle and even tho I didn't get a bfp it made me feel so relaxed.  Vitamins are still all go and I've started to cut back my sugar as I've been reading up on that too. 

    But for now it's one day at a time  xxx

    Offline Prettypink

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    Here I am.....

    20 weeks and 5 days Pregnant  ^pinkted^ ^blueted^

    Still can't quite believe it after 8 long years, 4 icsi, one miscarriage we have been blessed with a miracle!!

    January we had been to the clinic for results and to talk over our next treatment plan.  I had bloods taken to see where I was in my cycle as I still hadn't had a period since the miscarriage.  I was surprised when the nurse phoned to say I had ovulated and I should expect a period in the next 2 weeks.  That period never arrived!  ;D

    Going into the 2nd week waiting on my period a couple of times I thought maybe we've managed it but then I would quickly think wishful thinking ehh..  Anyways I had a few ovulation test in the drawer and out the blue peed on one, a line showed up nearly as strong as the test line!  I always find ovulation tests hard to read as you can see a line but it's not positive but kinda thought if it's after ovulation I shouldn't see a line.  The next couple of days I did more to see the line getting stronger and stronger  :o  I decided I would do a pregnancy test by the Friday.

    Friday 19th January I surprised my dp with a positive pregnancy test!!!!!!!!!   :)  He was shocked, surprised, puzzled and didn't know what to think, I hadn't mentioned anything that week and just surprised him.  Of course once he realised what I was showing him he was happy but not getting ahead of ourselves.  I went to work and he picked up a digital test which I peed on and it showed 2-3 weeks pregnant!  ^Heart^

    The next few weeks we were full of all emotions.  Over the moon and feeling blessed but anxious and not really letting ourselves believe it.  We had been here before not that long ago which was still pretty raw.  I can probably say only after my 12 week scan I started to believe it and get excited!  I was probably hard work at times and felt like I was in a wee anxious bubble hence the 3 early scans before our 12 week one.  Just seeing that heartbeat flickering away was the best feeling and helped with my anxiety, well for a week or so after the scan then I would feel the worry creeping in..

    When I first found out I was pregnant I didn't feel any different which stressed me but by week 7 the tiredness kicked in, I started to feel sick but was never sick.  I felt by snacking through out the day helped with the nausea but apart from that I can't complain!  Nose bleeds most days, nothing major but was reassurance for me.  By 11 weeks everything went to the point I worried that something was going wrong plus my friend who was a week in front had some light spotting at 11 weeks with all her symptoms going and found out they had no heartbeat  :-[ I was so gutted for them plus it knocked me to!  Just brought it all back from last year!

    My 3 month scan which I was just over 13 weeks showed a lovely baby with a lovely heartbeat, I was measuring a few days ahead, must have been all the milk I was drinking  ;D  Seeing our little baby move about was the best feeling ever and we came skipping out the hospital that day!!  ^Heart^

    We got a 16 week reassurance scan which was lovely, little baby had it's back to us tho and wasn't for moving  ;D

    And this week we had our 20 week scan.  Was the most amazing thing ever seeing it pull it's feet up and trying to sook its toes!!! Could have watched it all day!!!!!!!!!  We were told everything looked great, all the measurements were great and we have a perfect little baby! We decided we don't want to know the sex  ^pinkted^ ^blueted^   Love the guessing and can't wait for our surprise...

    I still can't believe I'm writing this post!  We feel so blessed and thankful and can't wait to meet our little bundle of joy in September!


    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Offline Prettypink

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    So here I am on Boxing Day having just had the most magical Christmas ever 🎄🎅

    Can't believe I've not been on to update my diary, was never off the forum when going through our journey, I found so much information and had so much support that I'll never forget!! And if it wasn't for this forum I wouldn't have came across Dr Ramsay and if it wasn't for Dr Ramsay we wouldn't have our Beautiful Baby Boy 💙

    So on the 19th September we welcomed our little miracle into the World! After 8 long years our dreams come true and we became parents something I thought was never going to happen on my darkest days. 

    The love we have for this boy is love I've never experienced, we are so in love and our life's are complete 💙

    My labour wasn't plain sailing.  The week leading up to my due date I had an appointment with my MW where I was booked in for a sweep.  That day my blood pressure was really high and after my sweep I had a lot of bleeding so my MW wanted me over to the hospital to get monitored.  This I am forever grateful for as had I not been sent over that day things could have went so very different, something I don't even bear think about!

    So after a day of monitoring, my blood pressure was through the roof and it was decided I would be induced that night.  I was put in a labour room and at 10pm my dp was sent home to get a sleep and I was given my first gel.  I didn't really think at the time that my dp was being sent away.  I tried to get a sleep but found it hard as I had a monitor on for the baby.  I was getting the odd cramp but nothing to major and had some paracetamol.  As time went on I was a bit restless and felt my waters went about 3am, I hadn't seen much of my MW but when she popped in I mentioned to her but after smelling my pad sorry tmi she said no they hadn't. 

    4am I had my second gel.  After a few hours I was in pain and asked for more pain relief and I was given another two painkillers.  A few hours later and I was in agony plus bleeding, because it's a busy ward I didn't buzz but had the odd MW popping in to check the monitor and so I would mention the bleeding get them to check the toilet as I wasn't flushing so someone could check, which I was told was normal. 

    After pacing the floor, on the toilet off the toilet I was in extreme pain.  My MW popped and I asked for more pain relief, my MW told me to get a shower, she would get me breakfast and then get my waters broken.  The thought of food 🙈  I managed to get a wash before I was pacing again by this point I had constant pain and no break (this was actually contractions which at the time I didn't realize) all I kept thinking was if this is induction how am I going to cope with labour 😮

    I had to buzz and at this point my new MW came in as it was a change of shift.  I managed to say how much pain I was in and the bleeding.  She gave me gas and air and checked the toilet and went for the consultant straight away.  I was examined and my waters were away!! Next thing I know a few different faces were in the room and I was getting a new gown put on and told to try sign forms for a blood transfusion and epidural.  My placenta had ruptured!  I was straight to theatre and my baby boy was delivered at 8.33am..  My poor dp was phoned by my second MW but he didn't make it in time.  He wasn't aware of the situation and was told to make his way as I was in labour, he turned up all showered with his bag of munchies thinking we had a long way yet.  He was met by the head MW who practically flung her scrubs at him and he was chucked into the theatre where I was lying and our baby was crying.  Poor guy didn't expect that, wasn't till a few hours that everything sunk in for both of us really!  Feel he was kinda robbed of that moment our precious boy was born but now after reading up I understand why they couldn't hang about and basically things had to had quick!

    We are just so grateful he is here safe 💙

    We still look at him and can't believe he's ours, he's our world, our miracle 🙏

    Yeah it's tiring and you never stop esp at the beginning when everything is new to us, we were getting to know him and he was getting to know us but we feel so blessed and will never forget our journey.

    I hope anyone reading this, this gives you hope 🙏 because we were ready to move on as after all those years we just couldn't keep putting ourselves through the heartache plus we were basically told years ago it wouldn't happen and here we are parents to our beautiful baby boy 😍

    Our journey is complete, our life's complete 💙

    Sending out so much love to everyone on this journey and hope you have your forever happy ending ❤️

    Xxx