Hoping and Praying ICSI 3 gives us our BFP... ICSI Number 4 and still hoping

[Prettypink]

Oh and dp feeling better thank god!!  x

[FertilityFriends]

[Prettypink]

I've turned into one hormonal b**ch 😡   

I can honestly say this is the worse I've felt! Poor dp is all I can say.  Feel so bad but any little thing and I'm p**sed off😭 I just wish he would not comment as makes me feel worse.  I'm sorry and feel terrible but he'll just need to deal with it for now as I can't help or doing anything about it.. ahh

Clinic Wednesday will see what they say xxx

[Prettypink]

Not ready to start daily injections 

Af still not showed up so wasn't really surprised tbh but pretty gutted.  Just want to get to the next stage!  Breast been sore and back achy surely af not far away? who knows! 

So looks like ec won't be till the week of the 25th a week later than planned.  Sketching a bit as we timed dp antibiotics for then and now worry the timing not going to plan.  I've emailed Dr Ramsay to see what he says, hoping to hear back tomorrow.  Typical really, this journey never goes to plan does it?  I would like to say the hormones have calmed down but scared to say and jinx it so I'll leave it there.

SL announced her pregnancy recently too, knew it was coming.  They do deserve it, I've not seen her and know I can't avoid her or my future inlaws forever but just finding it hard as I'll be reminded of what I desperately want and don't have, does that sound bad? I don't mean any harm just fertility and one of it's many hurdles.  Been many I tell you.  Is it really going to be our turn next?  I really don't know I wish and hope so but its really out of our control, we've tried out best to improve things just hope all of it has worked a miracle and wee get our miracle family we have longed for, I don't think I've been through something so hard in my life     Whens it our break?  Don't want to sound all self pity but I'm drained, 8 long years.

Please let it be out time  xxx

[Prettypink]

AF showed up Saturday  So glad to see it in a strange way lol

In for bloods and scan yesterday.  Scan showed small follicles on each side but also showed 2 at 14mm.  The nurse said she would phone me today regarding my bloods, if things weren't where they should be then we would need to delay my injections.  Thankfully no call so starting my injections tomorrow.  Glad to get started if I'm being honest, I'm sure I've mentioned this a few times    Just feel it's taken a while to get to this stage.

Back in next Wed for scan and bloods, EC hopefully the week of the 25th.

Now to keep chilled, not over think and stay positive    We've been waiting on this happening for a long time and really out of our control so why worry myself and stress, doesn't help matters and probably stressing has a negative affect on my body and mind.

So here goes to the next stage.  So glad I feel back to myself after turning into a witch lol.

xxx

[Prettypink]

Second scan this morning.  Follicles coming along, half a dozen each side ranging from 14 - 16mm I think, lining 9mm.  Not sure the plans yet, was told not to have my injection this morning when I was in on Wednesday.  The nurse will phone after lunch once they've got my blood results back and had a meeting.  I'm sure she mentioned my bloods being around 2000 on Wednesday.

The clinic is off Monday with it being a holiday.  I have a feeling they are trying to work round about that tbh.  Nurse said ec could be tue/wed and depending on blood results today she may phone and tell me to reduce my meds which makes me think they are trying to slow things down  or maybe going with my bloods I may stay the same who knows..

Just be glad to get to the next stage.  Feeling OK a bit bloated and felt slightly sickie last night and this morning, nothing major tho.

Just been a long walk and heading for lunch    loads of eating = big walks  don't wanna end up double the side def feeling it!

Feel my dp doing well so far    he can usually go quiet and deep whenever we're doing treatment but he seems OK so far, hope this continues and he's feeling confident within himself    .  With the help from Dr Ramsay and the improvements we've seen maybe my dp is feeling a bit better this time round!

  this time we get our bfp xxx

[Prettypink]

Booster tonight and last nasal spray! Yay 

Nurse struggled to see my left or right ovary can't remember but the usual one we struggle with.  She ended up getting me to jump up and down before taking a pic for my notes.  She said sometimes the bowel can get in the way.  Wasn't panicking as had this issue in the past and knew the nurse managed to see and count some follicles the other day but did start thinking EC wouldn't be till Wed.  Felt a bit deflated tbh, bloated and just getting a bit fed up but I soon snapped out of it when DP reminded me to stay positive and really when I'm ready I'm ready! But Tue it is 

This stage is the worrying stage for us, EC followed by fertilization.  Not knowing what kind of quality embryos we'll get and whether we get to a 5 day transfer but out of our hands now really so just need to go with it and not stress, nothing we can do now!

Starting to feel real now.
 

[Prettypink]

14 eggs collected 

Home and relaxing, a bit sore but ok!

Now for the dreaded wait till tomorrow to see how many fertilised  x

[Prettypink]

Out of 14 eggs, 12 were suitable and 4 fertilized.  If I'm being honest I expected a bit more than that, but then again what you think/expect on this journey ends up the opposite!  Transfer booked for Sunday at the moment but when they check them Friday they might decide Friday for transfer.  Not sure what to expect, I don't see us getting frosties and really just  we have a transfer!

So the wait continues and just wishing my days away really.  Only spoke to dp briefly about it, not sure how he's feeling truly, we're both keeping our thought to ourselves, think we're both scared and just trying to not think about it.  Still bloated and tender but ok.  All these stages bring back all the memories from our last cycles, mostly not good ones.  I question how we can keep putting ourselves through this but when we're so desperate for a baby, I can't even think what if it doesn't work    This again has been our life's for the last two years preparing and working towards this cycle, this is all we've known and don't know what normal life is. 

Just need to try put our energy into the 4 embies we have and they develop the way they should be only time will tell.

Please little ones keep growing xxx

[Prettypink]

Been feeling pretty low today     just not sure what kinda phone call we'll get tomorrow.  Hate the waiting and not knowing but just the way it is..

The nerves and worry are kicking in, are our little embies developing the way they should be? Will we have a transfer?  Feel like I'm giving up on this cycle already and annoyed at myself tbh but can't shake it off! I really should be thankful we have some fertilised! I'm  for some positive news tomorrow.  The dreaded phone call, the minute I know it's the clinic I get this horrible feeling in my tummy.. 

Wish I was feeling more positive.  I feel I've been OK through out, a few ups and downs but I kept visualising me being pregnant and how our life's would be as a family  Maybe I over expected this cycle just with attending Dr Ramsay the last 2 years and seeing such improvements with dp sample.  I then start to question my eggs ?  Was it eating and doing the right things?

Tomorrow will shed some light either way xxx

[Prettypink]

Our update goes

x2 at 8 cells
1 at 7 cells
1 at 6 cells

At the right stages.  Showing some fragmentation and the grading goes;

x2 5/8
x2 4/8 (8 being the highest)

So so by the looks of it    Not great, don't really understand much about grading but know they are not top put it that way.

Clinic want to stick to Sunday for transfer as at the moment they are all quite similar.  Nervous/worrying few days now waiting and not knowing if we'll have any by day 5 

This really does take its toll..  Has much changed from our last 3 cycle??  Mmm not much from what I can remember, know our last cycle Eeva said all our embryos were low graded..

So Sunday it is, either transfer or no transfer xxx