* Author Topic: How do you deal with telling your child, when you've used anon. donor?  (Read 9473 times)

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Offline Blondie71

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Gosh that is really cruel of a clinic to deny existing children the maximum info they can provide without compromising identity, I would appeal as high in their organisation as you can go on compassionate grounds, there must be somebody who can see sense and it would definately help your children come to terms with things more, I agree with you regarding a sibling registry that if it ever becomes a reality and my boys wish to get involved with it I'd be fine with that. I can't see anon donor information laws being overturned EVER in the countries/clinics we've all used, but you never know the donors may just get curious and join the DNA bandwagon someday too off their own backs x


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    Offline Tick

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    Hi, interesting question & answers, and I will continue to see how DS reacts as he grows older.
    We also went to Spain for Donor Egg, and although we're telling DS, and very close family know, that is the limit.  Still odd when I get the "I wonder why he doesn't look like you" comments.

    We went with Spain primarily for speed.  The clinic we were with in the UK said we could get started more quickly if we used their partner clinic, rather than going on the UK waiting list.   As I was getting rather closer to 40 than I liked at the time, we went for that option. 

    The anonymity suits me, as although we have told DS (using the DCN Our Story book) so it is always something he has an awareness of, for me it being anonymous underlines the separation between me as parent, and the donor as kind provider of egg.  I am also glad I have no additional knowledge about the donor, as by providing that it would create a character for the donor.  I don't intend to be mean about my donor, as obviously I wouldn't have DS if it weren't for her doing something so wonderful, but as far as my DS is concerned, I prefer that the donor isn't a concept as a "real person" as she isn't part of his life.   

    Offline TheAWord

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    Hello. I think that nowadays kids shouldn't be surprised by anything. I mean, anyhow, it's much better to have an anonymous sperm donor than a natural father that beats up all the poop out from the child. Don't you think so?
    I'm almost sure that in the future it will be even cooler to be born through surrogacy etc.
    I think that, if this will be the biggest problem in the life of your child, it means he/she is blessed!

    P.S. If your child will like football, you can tell him that Cristiano Ronaldo also has a couple of surrogacy kids :DD 

    Offline snowdropwood

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    hiya, i dont have children, and having DD ivf in the UK.  Very interesting discussion and I guess it is an evolving area in terms of DNA testing , legalities in countries changing and shifting and so on.......

    Well processing some of this issues ( which continues) I have found these resources really helpful......DCN as others have mentioned, '3 makes baby' book and podcast, 'defining mum' website and podcasts....the DCN has a library, bookshop etc.....xx

    Offline Mac78

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    Hi all,

    I am 6 months (DE in Spain) and although it's anonymous we are planning to tell in the future. The fact that it was anonymous was actually more in line with what we believe, then costs, plus I have a Spanish background so easier to find a match. I think the same as Tick, I don't see the point of having additional knowledge about the donor, as by providing that it would create a character for the donor - almost like having 3 parents. I am not sure how my child will feel about it in the future, but I for sure don't want to create a character which can give the the idea that she is somewhow my baby's mother as well. I am forever grateful for my donor for this beautiful seed that she has given to me, but this is it. My baby it's now growing inside me and it's been nutured by my body, I am the one mothering my baby, so I don't see the point of having the 3 parent concept with egg donatin and neither with sperm donation.

    However, I have a personal reason to believe that you should be always honest with your children and trust me they will always feel and suspect if you hide anything. For some reason that I can't explain I was always suspicious about how I was conceived and always felt that my parents were hidden something from me. When I turned 13 my parents got divorced and my suspicious were confirmed, as my mum opened up about  my father not being my biological father. I have 2 sisters older than me and we grew up knowing that they were from mum's first relationship, what she never told us is that I was born from a quick relationship she had just before she met my "father". It was really hard for me to accept that she lied to me because I had asked her many times. For a long time I found really hard to trust anyone and my teens years were definitely harder than usually is for a teengaer.

    I don't ever want to put my child in the same situation. I don't how my child will feel about not being able to find out about the donor, I am hoping that my child will think the same way as us. Honestly,  I really don't want to worry about it, I will cross that bridge  when I come to it. My focus now is to be a great mother and I will always be honest with my child.

    Offline Spaykay

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    If it helps....my DE (anonymous) daughter is now 10. She has grown up knowing and has no issues or questions. It rarely comes up, but if it does, we discuss openly. In my opinion, it is her right  as it's her life. What she does with the information is up to her. She has never been interested in knowing more, but not all children are the same. If, for any reason, it came out in a medical test that she did not share my genes, it would be heart breaking to have the discussion of why, so best she knows. Nothing to hide; just another way of concieving.

    Offline Flyby

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    Same here, I used donor sperm and my child has always known and has never been interested in asking any questions. Iíve always kept it simple and said some people need help with getting a baby in their tummy, and then explained how the help can happen in many different ways, e.g. someone growing a baby for someone else, or donating an egg or a seed etc. I think if you donít experience it as an awkward/uncertain or difficult thing to talk about, itís likely the child wonít find it odd or hard to accept, itís just part of the story of how they were made.