* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83072 times)

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Offline K jade

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #10 on: 19/02/15, 11:57 »
hahahaha!
ive actually found those programmes quite inspiational to my situation.
it was jeremy kyle that made me think "for gods sake, why am i stressing about this sooo much" lol
xxxxxx

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    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #11 on: 19/02/15, 12:28 »
    I used to watch it as it made me feel normal  ;D but now it just annoys me  ::)
    xx

    Offline liz lemon

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    Blood groups question
    « Reply #12 on: 20/02/15, 10:57 »
    Hello everyone!

    I'm new here, and on the fence at the moment regarding telling or not telling. I am considering double donation, and in order to allow myself the possibility of either option, I'm wondering about blood groups, and whether there is anyone here who understands that kind of thing!

    As a same sex couple, my partner and I will have to tell about the sperm donation, but we would like to have the option of tell or not tell regarding the egg donation. My blood group is A rh positive. Do I need to ask for a specific blood type? I suppose what I am asking is whether there is a particular blood type that would mean it was obvious that I'm not the biological mother, regardless of the sperm donor's blood type?

    I hope I've made some sense!

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #13 on: 20/02/15, 11:58 »
    Hi Liz & welcome  ^hugme^
    I am the resident Blood Group Guru  ;D You have made perfect sense  :) Tbh you could probably use any combination of donors, although due to 'mathematical probability' I would probably avoid two B+ donors as you wouldn't know their absolute type ( we get 2 blood group genes ). Do you know your parent's blood groups ? As then I could work out if you are AA or AO (genotype) - both will be tested/show as Group A (phenotype).
    I am in the process of drafting an easy explanation/table for people to follow but just haven't got there yet  :-\
    Feel free to ask if you need any help.
    xx

    Offline K jade

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #14 on: 20/02/15, 11:59 »
    hi liz,

    im baffled by this blod type thing.
    it appears that alot say that 'your secret' will come out when it becomes apparant that child doesnt share mum or dads blood type. ?!?!
    but at no point in my life have i ever had access to my parents blood type.
    nor would i have reason to.
    can anyone shed any light? xxxx

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #15 on: 20/02/15, 12:04 »
    Hun, I will update as soon as I have this drafted  :) I know my dad's as we both were blood donors & my mum knows hers as she's had children !! I'm just a sad individual who loves genetics so I worked out everyone's blood groups - phenotype & genotype. I remember, as a teenager, finding it really funny that my mum is BO  ;D she wasn't so impressed  ;D
    xx

    Offline liz lemon

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    Blood types
    « Reply #16 on: 20/02/15, 12:54 »
    Yey, Bundles! I for one am glad you are into all of this! That's good news that any combination, more or less, could be used. The known donor I am considering using is O Rh positive, so that is down on the clinic's records. I can't change that now, as it's a country where they don't 'officially' treat single women. I've listed my preferences on the double donor application form, and I said that blood type was not important. Now though, I think I would like the option of not telling, because who knows how I will feel later on.

    Basically, I woke up this morning feeling that it might be more of a burden than a gift of honesty, to tell our child that he or she was created by two anonymous donors, neither of whom can be traced. When I was thinking of using my friend as a known donor, I comforted myself with the knowledge that at least the child could trace one half of their genetic heritage, but if I go double donor embryo, it removes that option. However, the logistics of getting him overseas to do his bit is becoming a bit tricky.

    So, to summarise my ramblings, from what you've said, at the very worst I could have a child who was very unlikely to have a particular blood group, rather than it be an impossibility?

    Oh I forgot to add; I have no idea what my parents blood types are. Trying to think of a way to ask that whilst appearing nonchalant!

    Thanks so much for your help Bundles :)

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #17 on: 20/02/15, 14:47 »
    Ok ladies, as you are so demanding  ;) I have drafted out the info you need :

    https://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=333077.0

    I suggest you make yourself a cup of something nice, grab a couple of digestives & have a read  :)

    xx

    Offline evan80

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #18 on: 25/02/15, 17:21 »
    I am so happy i found this thread. I conceived with donor sperm following dh's noa diagnosis. Due to very high fsh and lh our only options were either adoption or ivf with donor sperm. Dh was very depressed and did not want to go for either of the two options but was also reluctant about living a life without children. So he finally agreed to go for counselling with me and after a few sessions he agreed to go for ivf with donor sperm on condition that we do not tell anyone. We conceived our 3 month old boy following my first FET.

    Dh and our son have bonded so well but people just make it so difficult with their comments. Dh's aunt and mum are constantly saying that it is so difficult to determine who our son takes after. They say the same comment everytime they see us. I am in agreement with the idea of not telling anyone but my biggest fear is that it might come out. I keep thinking that if God forbids our son gets sick and needs a transplant the tests would show that dh is not his biological father. We chose a donor who has the same blood group as dh but I keep thinking that doctors would still be able to tell. Unfortunately all threads that I found are all in favour of telling the truth to the children and I felt likewe are really bad parents for not wanting to share the info with our child regarding this whole donor thing.

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #19 on: 25/02/15, 20:07 »
    Hi Evan  ^hugme^
    Congratulations on your DS  :) How silly of your MIL & her sister (I assume). I would be telling them that he takes after your distant cousin Bobby or the like  ::) It is a fact that features often skip a generation so there can often be only slight resemblances to some parents anyway.
    To be honest, in the event of a transplant, the doctors would absolutely know your DH wasn't a biological match. Even the most basic HLA tissue typing would show that up, however, by telling them anyway, they are bound by patient confidentiality. It is never a given that parents could donate to their child. We stored cord blood & stem cells when our DD was born, for a similar scenario. 
    You are not bad parents to want to keep it secret, I think it is often a braver thing to do  ^hugme^
    xx