* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83075 times)

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Offline MissMayhem

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #130 on: 18/07/15, 16:47 »
Hi everyone I hope it's ok for me to join you? I've been reading this thread with interest and am kind of glad I've not been privy to the pressurised comments that seem to have been removed. As if treatment and the whole enormous pain of infertility wasn't enough we are sometimes subject to attack from some of those with different opinions and now have to ponder questions that nobody else ever has to even think of. I'm absolutely of the opinion that eye colour really doesn't matter now after having read all of this. I think my mother's eyes are a grey green colour, I've no idea what my father's are. I should've read this sooner as waited ages in UK for a Blue eyed egg donor match (still waiting!)

Have recently had a tandem cycle abroad with what the clinic said was very good match donor (eye/hair colour, height etc). Took me ages to get my head around donor egg. I absolutely do NOT want to tell anyone. If this treatment works the baby is mine, nobody else's. I feel like I should tell though and don't know why I'm putting some much pressure on myself. I'm even terrified that my husband is going to slip up and tell someone. I'm a step mother and have experienced the pain of rejection from a child I have prioritised for many years so don't want to experience that again with my own. The only person who knows I've had a tandem cycle is my mother. She's of the mindset that any baby will be mine and that children can often be given too much unnecessary information anyway.

My own embryo wasn't the best quality so it's unlikely that it will be the one to make it if any of them do so am really emotional at the minute, grieving for the loss of genetic link, not seeing my parents/grandparents in my child like the rest of my family can with their children (I am one of these fascinated by family history/resemblances etc.)

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of reassurance that not telling is ok. We had PGD testing abroad so I have no plans to mention anything to gp/hospital etc.  Weffwild could I ask what questions the counsellor asked you please? Am really trying to balance this in my head, trying to make the decision between what I desperately want and what I feel society's expectations are of me.xx

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    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #131 on: 18/07/15, 17:23 »
    Hi MissMayhem,

    Welcome on board & congrats on being pupo!!

    I was lucky in many ways, both in being unconcerned about genetics & also with getting a very good match - the clinic coordinator said the donor was my double, & my daughter is not just like me but also the spitting image of my mum and maternal grandmother (my dad's words, only my partner & I know we used DE). You're not necessarily going to miss out on family similarities.

    I have no possibility of natural conception, but if I did I'd think I had rather than that she came from the treatment

    Whilst I can't directly relate to wobbling over DE - I was over the moon to contract out stimms - or about disclosure (we never even contemplated it), I do know that it doesn't come easy for many people.

    I just wanted to say 2 things that may make you feel better - one is that poor quality embryos can and do take, & unless you have more babies than the number of OE embryos transferred in a tandem cycle, you will never know which embryos they came from unless you do DNA tests. And I bet it won't even seem nearly as important once you have your family.

    The second is that an lot of people seem to feel that they "should" tell the child about using DE/DS/DD, without really knowing why or being able to articulate any rational or considered advantages to doing so. Maybe they feel uncomfortable about taking 100% of the credit for a miracle they had a bit of help creating, who knows? If you're unsure, like with other things I would sit down & make a list of pros & cons for telling & not telling, or maybe talk it over with an unbiased counsellor.

    Best of luck whatever you decide, I hope this cycle works for you!

    B xxx

    Offline Cordelia

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #132 on: 23/07/15, 06:25 »
    Miss mayhem I am in the same position and could have written your post.  I have had to deal with so much negativity and cruel words (at times from my own parents) about being infertile that I really don't want to tell people that it's a DE pregnancy.  I don't think my family would treat my children the same way and I worry that MIL etc would see them as DH's children not mine.  I also think that it may just confuse children to be told that I am not their genetic mum and to not be able to tell them anything about who is.

    Having said that I have always wanted to be honest with my kids, something my parents weren't with me.  So I'm currently in limbo about what to do.  90% of the time now I don't even think about it but I did have a wobble a few weeks ago and became very jealous of DH and his connection with them.  I also find it hard when people talk about who they will look like but I think I'm just not used to that yet and the more it happens, the less I will worry.

    Bombshell I think I might make that list.

    Cordelia xxxx

    Offline Shoegirl10

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #133 on: 23/07/15, 08:46 »
    It's love that makes a family in my opinion
    we are going down DE route and couldn't be more happier
    xxxx

    Offline Orchid-1

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #134 on: 23/07/15, 09:28 »
    It's love that makes a family in my opinion
    we are going down DE route and couldn't be more happier
    xxxx

    Well said Shoegal. A friend of mine did go the DE route. They all love the baby to bits anyway. I wish she had not told me. Complelely unnecessary. xxx

    Offline hogmeister

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #135 on: 24/07/15, 10:32 »
    I'm another one who has no intention of telling and am perfectly happy with my decision. Have told my DH that if anything happens to me he is under no circumstances to tell either. I love the fact that my family make a huge fuss of my children, drive miles to celebrate their birthdays,  maybe they would anyway but I would always wonder. People comment how one of my DDs looks like me and if initially I felt a bit uneasy about it, I now agree with them and say (and mean) "She certainly does!" A few friends know and I trust them not to say anything too so if anyone feels they have told people and it is too late then it isn't if you trust the people you have told.
    We as a family are just getting on with life with our children and have no interest in the DCN. That is not to be negative about them, just to say that there are other points of view out there as some of the posts on here could give you the willies.

    Offline MissMayhem

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #136 on: 24/07/15, 17:55 »
    Thanks for the welcome and the responses. I'm feeling more and more strongly as the days go on. I just hope this works now, I really do. I had a little peep at the DCN myself too, they have a video on there. It was all I needed to decide against it, it's probably an absolutely wonderful and essential avenue of support for some,  but it's not for me.  I've also had a chat with my friend who's adopted, she has had some major difficulties with her mother and in the past decade has met her birth mother. She kind of echoed what you said Shoegirl10. She'd craved a relationship with her birth mother for years and said that ultimately the reality would never live up to her fantasy. She almost wishes she didn't know now and absolutely affirms that her mother is her mother, despite some of the difficulties they've had, she's the one who is always there for her no matter what. Made me feel better again hearing that.

    I love hearing you talk about your husband's minime Hogmeister. My stepdaughter looks like her father and her mother, but actually looked a little like me when she was younger too even though I don't look like either of her parents. Funny how we get hung up on things like this. Parents the world over have biological children who look nothing like them. I don't even like this 'biological' business, my plan is not to use it any more;   if any of these embies stick they're absolutely mine.

    Thank you all.xx

    Offline HMF

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #137 on: 29/07/15, 21:40 »
    Hello! It's been quite a while since I posted regularly on fertility friends as I've been out of the loop for a while since my son was born, he's 3 1/2 now. DH and I are thinking of trying again with DE cycle next year.
    I hope you don't mind me joining you!
    It's an interesting debate re eye colour, I never asked much about my sons donor, I think it's because I didn't want to think too much about his genetics and concentrate more on him being mine!! Im definately in the no telling camp as I guess I worry about my son rejecting me in the future and he is unable to do anything about the information as his donor is anonymous, I think -if he knows how much turmoil could that cause him?
     He feels like mine 100%, is his dad's double and blond and blue eyed! Both me and DH have brown hair and blue/ green eye. People often say where does he get his blond hair but my brother is blond and DH was blond up untill he was 2 so I always answer them  with that line! He obviously doesn't look like me but then I have friends who kids have no family resemblance to either parents!genes can be funny can't they!!
    Anyway I just wanted to
     share my thoughts on this
    Helen xx

    Offline Lorsha

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    Telling the child and other people, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #138 on: 31/07/15, 21:36 »
    Me and my husband have decided not to tell anyone about  our donor egg my baby is now 8 weeks why  tell anyone even family? I believe if u tell even 1 trustworthy person chances are it may be told people being people. Kids have enough to deal with these day growing up without having to figure out how they feel about coming from a donor egg or sperm. This is just our opinion .. If you have a blood transfusion u don't go around saying you have donor blood

    Offline Lilly83

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #139 on: 31/07/15, 22:16 »
    I have moved your post Lorsha to the 'Not telling thread' for you, feel free to discuss your reasons for choosing not to tell on this board

    L