* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83866 times)

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Offline bombsh3ll

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #170 on: 30/09/15, 22:40 »
If you're keen for privacy and anonymity I'd say go abroad. That way you have total peace of mind & there is no "paper trail".

I was open about the fact my daughter was a hard-fought-for IVF baby as I wanted my midwives & consultant to be fully aware what it had taken for me to become pregnant & that if anything went wrong I wouldn't just be able to have sex & become pregnant again. I do feel this resulted in closer monitoring, however I never disclosed I had used DE.

Nobody ever asked me about the origin of the eggs or sperm, it was taken for granted that I'd conceived from OEIVF. I would say though that this was probably due to my age as I was 31 - if you are older, especially over 40 & disclose you've conceived by IVF, you should be prepared to potentially be asked directly if DE were used. Lying will not have any negative impact on your care but it will obviously be easier to anticipate this and be prepared what you would say rather than be caught by surprise.

B xxx

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    Offline Me, Myself and I

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #171 on: 1/10/15, 09:48 »
    Hi all
    I'm wondering whether - perhaps contradictory- whether there are any meet ups/support groups for those not telling? I know it sounds mad!

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #172 on: 1/10/15, 11:01 »
    You could all wear paper bags over your heads  ;D
    xx

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #173 on: 1/10/15, 11:42 »
    That's really funny I can just picture it! ;D  ;D

    I think face to face meet-ups for non-disclosers would probably suit those at the stage of planning/having treatment and not intending to tell or undecided rather than those of us who already have our children.

    Obviously once you've been successful you don't want to get involved with anything that would identify the type of treatment you've had, but also I can't see the whole "donor conception" issue continuing to matter (if it did in the first place - not everyone is bothered about genetics) once you've got your lovely baby.

    B xxx

    Offline Orchid-1

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #174 on: 1/10/15, 15:39 »
    paper bags - Ha lol  ;D ;D ;D

    Offline Fox Gloves

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #175 on: 1/10/15, 16:42 »
    Crying at the thought of a meet up with paper bags over our heads!! We could all wear disguises  ;D

    On a serious note though me myself and I, I do understand how you feel. I want total anonymity but at the same I really like the support on here and love the feeling that I'm not the only one this is happening to!

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #176 on: 9/10/15, 14:55 »
    Ladies, it has been reported that 'people are suggesting it's OK not to report pregnancies to the HFEA' I have today rung HFEA for some clarification on their rules/policies.

    My understanding is now as follows: Firstly, only someone who knows or suspects they were donor conceived can request information from HFEA. HFEA never voluntarily offer information. Even if the rules are changed in the future, 2015 would be bound by the rules currently in force. Generally, it is the clinic that inform HFEA when a patient is treated with donor gametes and a file is opened. If, after a time, there is no pregnancy outcome recorded, HFEA will contact the clinic citing an 'Open Case' In a situation where the patient has not informed the clinic of their pregnancy outcome then the clinic may attempt to contact the patient but if no contact can be made then HFEA will mark the file as 'Follow up Lost' Regarding the '10 family limit for each donor' it is the clinics responsibility to monitor each donors number and contact HFEA accordingly. In a situation where contact was lost it is the clinic that decides how to report this (possibly by assuming a child has been produced) but if they didn't record things reasonably accurately, then they would be breaching the HFEA rules.

    I hope this goes a way to reassure you. It is important to say that Fertility Friends would never condone the withholding of important information. I guess the only way to be 100% anonymous is to go abroad, although technically the UK is in effect 100% anonymous if you decide not to tell, and make sure nothing is added to your maternity notes/gp record.

    Feel free to PM me if you need any other clarification  :)
    Bundles xx

    (Please note I have not removed any posts & feel it's important to keep this informative discussion intact)

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #177 on: 12/10/15, 21:50 »
    Hi Jo,

    Congratulations on your little boy  :)

    I am sorry your previous egg donor isn't able to donate again, however I don't think you need to worry about future siblings' looks as the common denominator in terms of maternal characteristics is you. They will have selected a lady who looked like you last time, & will do so again (we all like to think we're unique & individual but really most people can be reasonably matched without much hardship). Good donor matching plus epigenetics really do go a long way.

    Even if you did have two children who were like chalk and cheese, that happens all the time in the fertile world too & nobody bats an eyelid. Unless they have personal experience or happen to be a reproductive endocrinologist, most people don't even know DEIVF exists. 

    Unless you've disclosed on your medical records, there is no way your child(ren) could know unless you choose to tell them.

    Best wishes,

    B xxx

    Offline Fox Gloves

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #178 on: 27/10/15, 19:57 »
    Hey ladies,

    Just looking for some advice really..... I am about to have DE IVF and we do not plan to tell anyone at all. My only worry is that our close family and some friends know that I have low amh and that the chances with my eggs are slim. They know my only other option is DE. I am worried that when a possible baby comes along and if he/she looks nothing like my OE LO they might start to suspect.

    Does or did anyone else have these worries? And for those that did and now have DE children, how did it pan out, do you ever worry about that any more? I don't think I would be as worried if it was my first child but I worry that my OE child and a future DE child would be more like half siblings and not really be similar.

    I know there are no answers.... just looking for support really x

    Offline Orchid-1

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #179 on: 27/10/15, 21:17 »
    Sending you hugs Fox.  ^hugme^

    Some siblings don't look the same anyway.