* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83076 times)

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Offline evan80

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #20 on: 26/02/15, 07:27 »
Thanks bundles. I work with medical students which is why I wouldn't want anyone at the hospital to know cos I know most doctors there. As you rightly point out they are bound by patient confidentiality protocol and they cannot tell other people but they might tell our child.

I have no doubts that we have done the right thing of going for treatment using a donor cos our son has made us so much happier and we are so grateful for having him. But every single website I found is pro-telling and it makes me feel guilty for having opted not to tell sometimes. Although in our case I know this is the wisest decision.

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    Offline LuckyE

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    « Reply #21 on: 26/02/15, 08:03 »
    evan80 - congratulations on your DS.

    Evan you have definitely made the right decision...

    However, I have to confess, I am guilty of what your mum and sister do!  :-[.  My sister has 4 children. the first three look like mum or dad or both. The last one - neither. She is VERY different. I have commented on that in my time - " I don't know who she looks like," I say... but probably not as often as what it sounds like your mum and sister do. I think it's a natural instinct to want to place people.  Put them in boxes that fit. People search for order. I'm sure you know they don't mean anything by it and they believe that he's your DHs a 100%. Why woudln't they?

    I wonder if there is a way for you guys to be able to let it not bother you - a little bit more counselling, NLP maybe cos, sadly,  those comments will go on forever and you need to let them bounce off your back. 

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #22 on: 26/02/15, 21:04 »
    Evan I have a medical background and if your DH were ever tested for compatibility your son could be told that he wasn't a match but they would be bound by your husbands confidentiality to not disclose why. Often one parent is more of a match than the other, and in this case it would be you. Your DS wouldn't be given the details so please don't worry yourself over that. A bit poo that you work in the hospital though  ::) although, honestly, it may never come to it  ^hugme^

    xx

    Offline MadameCissy

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    « Reply #23 on: 26/02/15, 21:36 »
    Hi,

    I don't really know if our story belongs in this thread but reading through some of the comments, I feel like I do fit in.

    Our son will obviously realise that he was conceived with donor sperm as we are a same sex couple so there's no question there about telling or not telling but we made the very conscious decision to use an anonymous donor from a Danish sperm bank which means that our son cannot trace/contact the donor when he turns 18. I don't know of any other couples (gay or straight), or single ladies, who have chosen this option, and I find that a lot of people frown upon our decision because they feel we are depriving him of something. It leaves me unable to talk and I feel quite judged so I kind of turned to this thread. I hope people don't mind?

    Our choice was heavily influenced by the feeling that this is our family, and that we hope to raise a child aware enough of himself that he doesn't feel like a complete person unless he traces the sperm donor that helped create him. To us, the sperm donor was a means to an end, helping our dream come true. Nothing more. Also, more selfishly, I think we were both a little afraid that it would change our relationship with him in the future if he were to make contact. Obviously we can't predict what our son will think and feel when he grows older and how he may feel about this decision but we have made this choice and there isn't anything we'd do different if we were to be in the same position again.

    I feel like sometimes I am forced to lie because everyone is so pro-telling and pro-non anonymous donors.  ::)

    Offline K jade

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    « Reply #24 on: 26/02/15, 22:08 »
    MC I feel exactly the same. We will go for annonymous too.
    Reason being I fail to see where the donor will fit into my childs life at 18, once me and my partner have loved and nurtured them all their lives. I mean what exactly is supposed to happen once my baby reaches 18? They go and find them... Strike up a relationship. .  .. Go for coffee... Exactly what will be the context of this relationship. . 
    And where do we draw the Line? Do we invite this man over  for diner? And what if the relationship turns sour. ?
    The conclusion I have come to is exactly how beneficial is such relationship going to be to MY child.
    Probably none.
    Xxx

    Offline Love Angel

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    « Reply #25 on: 26/02/15, 23:14 »
    Hi ladies and any men reading

    A gynaecologist kindly told me one time that studies had been done which showed that quite a large percentage of the population in the UK, if they were tested, would find that they are not from the lineage that they think they are from.  He said that during the war, many women got pregnant by American soldiers and managed to pass the baby off as their husband's, and also that oftentimes neighbours would just take in another's kid and raise them as their own - those kids went on to have babies eventually and the details were lost in midst of time.  He was trying to drum into me that it doesn't really matter what your lineage is - that that matters is how much you have been loved.

    Also, my friend who's real father left home when he was a toddler, has a fleeting memory of a man who may have been his father, and says he honestly never ever thinks about or yearns for knowledge of his biological father.  He was the one who told me to stop getting hung up on and presuming that the child will yearn for knowledge.

    I am struggling with some of the same concerns myself as I am just now turning to the idea of dd or em adoption and I wish there was an alternative to paying approx 7k per time for open id embies & cycle here in the UK, as opposed to approx 2k and closed-id in East Europe - especially after a journey, like most of us, which had drained the coffers for so long.

    But the gynaecologist has a point!

    Love

    Offline Me, Myself and I

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    « Reply #26 on: 27/02/15, 05:25 »
    Madame Cissy- think there are more of us than we realise. It just being that the tell brigade shout louder and assume they have some higher moral ground.

    Offline MadameCissy

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    « Reply #27 on: 27/02/15, 11:15 »
    K jade - you've described my feelings exactly. I'd wonder about the nature of the relationship too after we'd raised and loved him for all these years. I also watched a documentary about sperm donors from Denmark the other day and even those who were non-anonymous said that if a donor conceived child made contact. they wouldn't be too interested in pursuing any kind of relationship anyway. For me that only reaffirmed our decision to use an anonymous donor.

    Me Myself and I, I think you're right. I also recognise you from another thread  :)

    Offline LuckyE

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    « Reply #28 on: 27/02/15, 11:45 »
    Madamecissy - my friend has raised her twin boys with two mums. They are 13 now. No desire to find out about their sperm donor - she knows the basics of who he is but thati's it. She said they never ask questions. They are lovely well-rounded kids. So Happy! And have 2 mums. That's it. I think that's the key. Happiness or love as love angel was saying. They might look when they are older but so far they have never felt deprived. 

    Don't get me wrong, I hear and know of kids looking when they're older but I am starting to belive it's because in some way they are unhappy in their lives.


    Offline Blondie71

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    « Reply #29 on: 27/02/15, 14:15 »
    Madamcissy you're def not alone I've used an anon donor too and as I'm single it will be obvious, I honestly am not going to make him a big issue in their minds or put him up there on a pedestal for them with anything more than the bare facts, after all he could be a terrible person and a massive disappointment for them??? He is primarily just a donor to me and def not "dad", I doubt my boys will ever know who he is tbh unless laws change drastically and I'm hoping their lives will be so full of love that they won't dwell on it too much. I agree with lucky that the people who go crazy looking for birth parents are usually those who are lacking something in their lives and desperate to fix that x