* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83863 times)

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Offline Orchid-1

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #210 on: 3/08/16, 10:58 »
Wheeze - congrats on your BFP.

A friend of mine had DE and was worried about the same. Did not happen.
Her toddler actually looks like her AND her husband. If she had not told me I would not have known. She has not told anyone else.

It certainly has her personality so environment plays a huge part, as does epigenetic. The baby is so cute.
Don't worry and all the best.

x

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    Offline Wheeze

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #211 on: 3/08/16, 11:19 »
    Thanks Orchid, that is so good to hear.  I am sure you are right and provided all goes according to plan it will be fine. ^pray^
    x

    Offline Mrs G 0207

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #212 on: 11/08/16, 05:25 »
    Wheeze, we are going ahead with DS treatment next year and I too worry about the comments about the child not looking like DH. This is why I'm going. To serum as penny seems to match really well.
    I've decided that if I get comments about not knowing who it looks like I will say something like we'll it looks like itself. Not every baby looks like a certain parent.  My brother could be the milkmans lol!! 

    Offline Love another

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #213 on: 11/09/16, 13:25 »
    Why do counsellors push so much to tell the child? Also everywhere I look on the internet it's a push to tell. The more I think about it the more I wonder what are the benefits ... Surely all it does is unsettle the child especially if it's anonymous and they have no way of tracing the donor why tell? In our situation we have our daughter ( oe ) and I really feel telling any future child that they are from de could create a situation where the child would feel like the don't belong as much as their big sister. My husband has always been in the not telling camp it has taken me a while to weigh it all up but I'm here now too.

    Offline Pinkie3

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #214 on: 19/09/16, 20:30 »
    Hi ladies, I am not sure how active this thread is but I was hoping someone could give me some advice if they have ever been in this position.

    We are in the not telling camp, for a number of reasons, same as what Love Another says, I can't see the benefit, we went to Greece so donor was anonymous which will only leave unanswered questions. My DH family are quite old school and we are not sure they will understand. Also I don't want my child to have a tag around them for the rest of their life. I cannot see what the benefit is and I wish there was more support for the 'not telling'. They talk a lot about how after research they believe it's better for the child to know but have they done any research on the millions of children that have never been told? I didn't think so.

    Anyway, I have a problem. We used donor egg to achieve this pregnancy and I told my sonographer at my 12 week scan to ensure the combined nuchal scan would be accurate. I explained that I did not want this recorded on my file and I was only disclosing this information for the blood test reasons. She was not happy that my midwife had not completed the form and got a strop on and even though I told her I did not want DE recorded she went and wrote on my file 'donor details completed by sonographer at time of scan'. Absolutely pathetic, this has no relevance to my pregnancy and just a dig at my midwife at my expense. I was fuming.

    I had to tell my midwife at my next appointment because I wanted it removed, she was really supportive and agreed it didn't need to be on there. Unfortunately it was now on the database on my file and difficult to take off. She said she would make some calls and see what she can do, and it would probably be sorted by the time my 20 week scan comes around, the sentence will be removed and I can get my notes reprinted.

    So today I had my 20 weeks scan, which I am pleased to say was all good. I had a different sonographer who was lovely but this sentence was still on my file. She called the IT department and after a lengthy wait was told they will not remove it because it needed to be on there and was relevant to my pregnancy. What a load of rubbish. How does someone in an IT department know what is relevant or not, How do they make that decision. it's my record and I am requesting it to be removed. I have been advised to get in touch with PALS but I have no idea what they can do, I have sent them an email so hope I get a response soon.

    I left the hospital today and burst into tears, I am so upset, stressed and anxious about this and so mad they are causing this. I was hoping to take my MIL to a scan and asking my sister to be a backup birthing partner but now I don't want to do either in fear that someone will mention the DE or they will see it on my notes. I feel completely out of control of the situations and it's really unsettling. I am also worried that at some point my child might see this or it get recorded on his/her file. I will be devastated if they were to find out this way.

    Sorry for such a long winded post but has anyone got experience of this or had DE recorded on their pregnancy file and its been ok?

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #215 on: 19/09/16, 21:27 »
    Hi Pinkie  ^hugme^

    How bloody awful of them. What a stupid officious woman. I would be absolutely fuming. As far as I'm aware you have every right to ask for it to be removed if you told her not to put it on there in the first place. Why not ask one of our Lawyers here:

    https://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=216.0

    I would ring PALS although in my dealings with them, I'm not really sure how effective they actually are. You could ask them what your route of complaint would be if you went directly other than through PALS. Sonographer's Departmental manager ? Hospital Chief Executive ? Trust ? Although I wouldn't expect them to understand about DE it may be worth contacting the Citizens Advice Bureaux regarding how to make a complaint about your treatment - you could say that you wanted some confidential info kept off your file & keep it vague.

    Good luck xx

    Offline Pinkie3

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    « Reply #216 on: 20/09/16, 15:15 »
    Thank you bundles, I have asked the lawyer on here and I have also emailed PALS, hopefully I will start getting somewhere.

    Ladies, be careful who you mention this to if you don't want it on your record. X

    Offline loudlikelove

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #217 on: 20/09/16, 15:49 »
    The important thing is that no one else can have access to your medical information other than you so don't feel this is gonna end up letting the cat out of the bag so to speak.

    It is a sentence, albeit hurtful to you, that will not even get read again without attention being brought to it.

    Do not let this stress you or the baby out. If you end up going down a legal route, this then puts the information in a more public domain.

    Offline Me, Myself and I

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #218 on: 20/09/16, 15:52 »
    Maybe a stupid question, but how do I find the private board?

    Offline Coolish

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #219 on: 20/09/16, 18:02 »
    Bundles is spot on with hat she has said. I would be furious too. I was asked at the 12 week scan if it was DE and put down a vague donor age of 30 but insisted it wasn;t on any records and as far as I could see it was never on anything. I've managed IT departments and it's not their decision - it's probably too difficult for someone to remove..

    Please don't let it upset you anymore and try not to worry - the records are private x