* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83052 times)

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Offline bundles

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #230 on: 30/09/16, 06:40 »
Marie, Me Myself & I has been given access previously. Not sure who you messaged but from your signature & posts, you appear to be OE so you would not be given access.

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    Offline maire2012

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #231 on: 30/09/16, 09:54 »
    Thank you Bundles,

    So it is for people who already are confirmed donor egg recipients and not those starting down the donor egg route.I didnt realise it needed to be in my signature.

    Thanks,

    Maire.

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #232 on: 30/09/16, 10:07 »
    Hi Marie,

    It is for donor egg or sperm recipients. It is strictly moderated due to it's emotive issues and we have had problems on the open forum in the past with 'disagreements' !! The only way we can 'vet' people is by their length of time on the forum, their posting history & signature. People considering the donor route would normally post on the Donor Conception board where plenty of advice can be obtained.

    Thank you for your understanding  :)

    Bundles

    Offline maire2012

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #233 on: 30/09/16, 10:48 »
    Could anyone answer a question on the counselling for donor egg recipients, the counselling appears focused on telling the child, is not telling taken into account by the counsellors?


    Thanks,

    Maire

    Offline Pinkie3

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #234 on: 30/09/16, 11:59 »
    Marie, I haven't heard of counsellors encouraging 'not to tell' which is really frustrating as there should be support for both. I appreciate research has been done to back up 'telling' but what research has been done on the millions that are never told and live perfectly happy lives? I definitely think there needs to be support from both ways. I find the 'telling' camp are very opinionated and aggressive with their views and don't respect that people have different views from them, hence why there is only a private board for 'not telling'.

    Everyone has their reasons for what path they take and I think that needs to be taken into consideration. We never had counselling, for me my discussion with DH was more important than with a counsellor. At first DH and I had different views, I was actually in the favour of telling but after weighing up what the pros and cons were for us as a family I changed my mind. I think if you are really struggling with a decision, counselling may be the way forward. Someone once told me to not make a decision yet, it will be a number of years before you are faced with the situation of telling your child and you may feel completely different to how you do now when that time comes. At the moment we are not telling but my DH appreciates that I may change my mind in the future and if I do we will face that when the time comes. For now I am just enjoying every moment of my pregnancy and looking forward to welcoming my baby into the world and finally becoming a mother.

    Sorry that was a bit more than what you actually asked, I got carried away lol.
    Best of luck with everything x

    Offline maire2012

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #235 on: 30/09/16, 13:40 »
    Pinkie,

    Thank you, You see where I am coming from. I feel that the counselling is very geared towards telling and doesnt focus on supporting how to deal with not telling. It seems one sided.
    Part of my issue is that we have had a negative response with regard to our treatment and losses and no support from one side of the family.We don,t share anything anymore.

    There is a stepchild in our family and a family member refers to him in a particular way and Im very conscious of  a bad reaction to disclosing any future child's origins to that side of the family.
    Its unfortunate that there is aggression from others with regard to taking a hard line on telling versus those who do not.
    Like you I believe each person has their reasons for their choices. But because others have been aggressive in their approach it means that stuff that I could have gone into more depth about, I can,t as the forum is public.
    Your post was extremely helpful and big congratulations to you and your DH  on your pregnancy ^hugme^
    Best of luck with everything and thanks for understanding!

    Maire



    Offline Coolish

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #236 on: 30/09/16, 13:53 »
    One of the things I have found in going through the DE journey is that my views and feeling have changed along the way. When TTC I was very much in the camp of telling the child and we even mentioned to a couple of friends that we were doing DE. Now I feel much more in the not telling camp. Some of it is because I don't want people to think of my DD as 'different' and not 'mine' and have her labelled in a certain way and possibly treat her differently. Another reason is because I don't think of her with a 'DE' label - she's my little girl and not some category.

    This open forum is still a really good place to explore your thoughts and ask questions and share frustrations.

    Offline Pinkie3

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thre
    « Reply #237 on: 30/09/16, 14:11 »
    Maire, I am sorry to hear you've had a negative response from your in laws but I hear what you are saying. Although mine have been supportive, they are from a different generation and DH thinks this is one thing they wouldn't be able to get their heads around. It's like anything, unless you have ever been in this situation you don't understand. Therefore that was one of the main reasons for not telling, it was decided that we either tell both sets of families or none to keep it fair. If we decide to tell our child later in life then it will be his/her decision to tell. I also agree with the tag, that was another one of the reasons, I don't want the child to be looked at any differently throughout life and have this tag permanently attached to them. No one ever asks or speaks about origins to a natural pregnancy so why does this need to come up? Someone mentioned genetics and medical history etc but my donor was genetically tested and I know more about her family history than I do my own. For me it would only leave unanswered questions because we had DE in Greece where it is anonymous so we will never know anymore than what we already do. When I was undecided it was more for the reason that I felt like I was going to carry a secret with me everyday and that was the only reason I was panicking but now I am pregnant that feeling has gone.

    I haven't joined the private thread and I am sure people will answer any questions you have on here. There is a strict policy now that any aggression or not fit messages will be reported and removed (see the front page). I hope you get the support you are looking for and are able to move forward with a cycle and a decision that you are happy with X

    Cooljules, congrats on your little girl. I completely agree, I haven't given birth yet but this is my baby and always will be X

    Offline maire2012

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #238 on: 30/09/16, 15:09 »
    Pinkie,

    You are correct, its the labelling and the implications of somehow being different.Its true no one would get into the origins of a natural pregnancy but for some reason ivf and donor egg/sperm seems to open up a door for controversy and volunteering unhelpful opinions.
    Im very glad to hear that your in laws are supportive  but I completely get where your husband is coming from, it can be a difficult topic to explain to a different generation with a different view on life. I also think you are raising a valid point about the future.
    Its good to get your views and Im glad to hear that you are happy.

    Maire.


    Offline Pinkie3

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #239 on: 21/10/16, 14:18 »
    Tigger, I am so sorry to hear about the DE cycle failure. I can't believe none of the embryos were suitable for transfer. Going for DE finally gives you hope again and for this to happen must have been devastating. Are they not giving you any compensation for this? 

    I have not been in your situation but I did go abroad for our DE cycle and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. They were pretty amazing. Yes the EU laws are different and the donor remains anonymous but this shouldn't have to change your decision in telling your child if this is your wish. You are provided with information on the donor, height, weight, eye and hair colour, blood type, interest, occupation etc but it just means that your child will not have the option of contacting this person when they turn 18.

    I did change my mind from telling to not telling but I was still trying to come to terms with accepting we needed to use DE and my DH had some very valued points with regards to our families and our situation. For me, I switch off from it, my goal was to get pregnant first and if/when that happened I would deal with the DE situation at a later date, if that was needed.

    Good luck with your next steps and I hope everything works out for you. If you are looking for a clinic abroad I can highly recommend the one I used. Newlife clinic in Thessaloniki, Greece. It may also be worth attending the fertility show that is on in a couple of weeks, I know Newlife will be there, as well as a lot of other clinics overseas.