* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83058 times)

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Offline LILLYS778

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #240 on: 4/12/16, 10:31 »
Hi, hoping to ask a few questions. We have just had another IVF failure using OE. We are financially and emotionally exhausted and have started to talk about the idea of using a donor embryo from the clinic in Czech republic that we have just visited. We know we would love the child without issue. DH has said he would be happy to pursue this but only with the absolute agreement that we would never tell a sole including the child. I can't decide how i feel about this and worry it would come to light eventually and could cause problems in the future. As it is a clinic abroad the donors would be anonymous so telling may leave more questions than answers. I noticed a lot of people on this thread have DE or DS and not DD. Does anyone have any advice x

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    Offline TiggerBounces

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #241 on: 2/02/17, 09:13 »
    We've just been told our UK based donor is not suitable (After 6 weeks of tests) and so we are now back wondering about going to Spain.  We had a failed UK DE cycle (no embryos survived) in October and have been on the waitlist and pursuing using DE since September 2015, after a year of failed IVF OE and 1 ectopic. Im not getting any younger and now speed and money are a big issue.
    Can anyone point me to any threads, posts, or articles that talk about making the switch from non-anon to anon? And ultimately being at peace with that final decision.
    Thank you.x

    Offline Blondie71

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #242 on: 7/02/17, 11:27 »
    Tiggerbounces there are lots who have made the switch, post on the general donor board as lots don't look here anymore as there is a secret thread for not telling now that you need to apply to access through moderators, just not sure you have to already be pg or given birth and be absolutely committed to not telling in order to join 😕
    However do post on general threads as know you'll get a response there x

    Offline OliviaFL

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #243 on: 20/03/17, 02:27 »
    Is there another more active thread regarding not telling?

    Offline looby1005

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #244 on: 20/03/17, 19:39 »
    I've been looking for one too Olivia, I'm still undecided so could do with an open thread xx

    Offline Josefine

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #245 on: 12/05/17, 15:29 »
    i am wondering the same, is there any active thread about not telling?

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #246 on: 12/05/17, 16:24 »
    Ladies this is the active thread, it's just not very active !! If you start posting, ladies who have already posted on here will pop back, plus it will keep it visible on the recent threads board.

    Offline Josefine

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #247 on: 12/05/17, 19:51 »
    Yes you are right. I can begin. ;)

    Everything you read is positive to tell the child, and that scares me, but I donīt want to tell. But is it like having a big lie? I donīt want to be a liar, honesty is important, and to tell is the right thing everyone says so if you google or talk to people about it. Who decides that and why is it so important to know/tell? the child?

    I have seen many posts on internet where donors calls the child "my donor child" that is so weird! And some donors trying to find the child??? One of them called the child "her son" and searched after him!   :(

    Is it not enough to tell the child that it is from ivf? Does the child really need to know more than that?



    Offline Tinseltown

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    « Reply #248 on: 12/05/17, 20:47 »
    We're not doing DE yet – but if we did, we MAY tell the child, but no one else. Not family, nor friends. The reason?

    I grew up being raised by my mom and my stepdad (bio dad died when I was very young). Of course, I knew my stepdad wasn't my bio dad as I was just old enough (although he himself sometimes forgot), but most of the time, I wished nobody else knew and that I didn't have to explain to people he wasn't my bio dad. To be honest, everyone from uni onwards thinks he's my bio dad and I prefer to keep it that way. I mean... seriously... what's the point?!? It's not like I want my friends to judge me based on my DNA.

    I think if parents do tell the DE child the truth, then you should only tell them... and they should decide whether other people should know or not. Because if you do tell others about this, and it turns out the child would prefer others not to know, you can't really take it back, can you?!?



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    Offline Josefine

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #249 on: 12/05/17, 21:33 »
    The thing is that we donīt want to tell mainly because of the family (long story), but how can you tell the child to not tell everybody, you force the child to keep a secret? Some children just do as someone of you mentioned in affect, like if you get divorced snd maybe you risk that your ex will tell...

    This is not easy! I want to tell sometimes just because I donīt like keepings secrets but sometimes I donīt want to tell because of many reasons, some om them bare because of family and that I see the child as mine and honestly maybe I am en egoist but I donīt want the child to look after the donor.

    I am considering to talk with a psychologist and see if I can come to a decision that is right for me.