* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83065 times)

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Offline Tinseltown

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #250 on: 12/05/17, 21:42 »
To be honest – we don't have family or friends any child could upset with such news. We're doing our second round of IVF now and our close family don't want to know anything about it (although in-laws are paying for a substantial part of it), because they think it's a private matter just between me and my husband.

And if we had friends who'd get upset by a withheld secret, we would seriously wonder why we would keep such friends, considering it has nothing whatsoever to do with them. My husband and I are sort of allergic to people who think they need to know everything about our life. We just don't have friends like that. See, we don't even see our friends every day (or even once a week). If we're lucky, we see our closest friends once a quarter (more likely, twice a year) — we don't have much time to socialise due to our jobs and our friends being scattered throughout the country. It's awkward to tell people you don't meet often about IVF, let alone any potential DE treatment. And even if they knew due to a child unwittingly telling them, they'd just shrug it off. We have zero friends in the area we live in, which apparently consists of loads of ex-Londoners/commuters who'd rather be left alone. That's fine with us.  ;)

Whether an ex-partner may say anything or not... that's all about choosing the right partner in the first place and hoping that any split would be amicable. My other half always said that if we ever split up, he'd want to do so amicably, as he wouldn't want lawyers to make money out of our misery.


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    Offline Josefine

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #251 on: 12/05/17, 21:52 »
    Then you are lucky, we have my inlaws, especially his mother that we really will do anything to so she would not know.
    And we donīt want the child to feel like an outsider from family and friends, all children donīt want to be "special" and you never know how the rest of family will be with the child if they knew, we want our child to be as any child and not feel outside or alone, we want to give the child the chance to feel loved and as one of the family. I was dating a man who was from sperm donor and he always felt that he didn'tīt belong in the family (grandmother and so on) and that made him so depressed later on in life. He wished he never knew. 

    Oh sorry my English is not so good (I am from Sweden) so canīt explain so good what I mean.

    Offline nevertoolate

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #252 on: 13/05/17, 10:58 »
    Hi Josefine,
    Thank you for views on this which I totally agree with. Please be aware that people on this forum have strong views on this subject and the donor conception network promotes telling. When newcomers to this subject are directed to seek out that organisation that should be made clear. My personal view is like you I just want my child to have as normal an upbringing as any other child. I started my journey planning on telling and then came to my own conclusion that it would be best for my family not to tell. i don't feel I owe the world an explanation of my child's heritage. Anyone who gets pregnant without donor ivf does not have to share any info on the circumstances of their child's conception or birth so why should I?its nobody else's business. Why would I put my child through that. Children and indeed adults can be cruel and I just want my child to feel relaxed and have a happy childhood.

    Offline Josefine

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #253 on: 13/05/17, 11:09 »
    dreamingofBFP Thank you for writing that, as I wrote earlier I am not so good in English so thank you for writing this, that was exactly what I tried to write. I wish it was a forum where only not tellers can write in. I know that this is a sensitive subject, and I feel that it is hard to talk more "free" here.  :-\ I wish I could talk more openly with people that understand how I feel and think about this subject.

    Offline nevertoolate

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    « Reply #254 on: 13/05/17, 11:22 »
    Hi
    There is a specific non telling thread which has been created which you can join. I think you just need to contact the admin for this forum to join up.  I wish you all the best with your journey x

    Offline Josefine

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    « Reply #255 on: 13/05/17, 11:27 »
    Oh is it? I will write to admin right away. :) Thank you for your help and I also wish you the best with your journey.

    Offline nevertoolate

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    « Reply #256 on: 13/05/17, 11:35 »
    I have had a great deal of support and kindness from this forum and am happy to pay that back by supporting you personally if you want to private message me anytime to talk as I am further down the line on this amazing journey. Xx

    Offline Tinseltown

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    « Reply #257 on: 14/05/17, 11:29 »
    I completely understand that, Josefine!

    In a way, the way your friend felt is how I felt about my stepdad's wider family (his cousins — whom I saw twice a decade or so) which sort of helped me form my view.

    I think most of the 'you must tell your child' view comes from experiences of those who maybe didn't experience a happy childhood/great upbringing? I for one can't see the point of being miserable finding out you were donor conceived late in life when you had a great upbringing with more love and opportunities than most normally conceived children had. You must be bloody selfish to think like that. I've read a lot of comments by women (they were women's forums) saying something along the lines of 'I would go mental, if my parents didn't tell me about my genetic information'.

    Seriously?

    Whoever thinks like that has problems that probably has nothing to do with donor conception. A few decades ago, the knowledge of DNA did not exist. And a significant proportion of the population do not have the parentage they think they have — donor conceived or not.


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    Offline Sassy-lassy

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #258 on: 16/05/17, 12:23 »
    Just popping in to add a bit of support to those who don't want to tell.  It's highly unfashionable these days to espouse non-telling, and as Dreaming says, the DCN promotes telling to the exclusion of all other options...  It is irritating - and hugely judgemental of - people such as myself and OH, who can't tell for religious and cultural reasons.

    Anyway, I think that what's happening is increasingly, non-tellers are being driven underground, rather than face the censure of popular opinion. 

    We are still here.  We are however, just getting on with our lives and our little ones, and trying to move on from the minutiae of details surrounding their conception.     

    Best wishes to you all! 

    Sassy xxx

    Offline Twinkletoes42

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #259 on: 17/05/17, 05:22 »
    Dear ladies

    I hope you don't mind me joining this thread . I have to say it's such a relief to actually read people's opinions that think "not telling" is ok too. I am undergoing DE treatment in August and this is just my personal issue but the move from OE to DE has been a tough enough decision as it is . I can't help feeling that if I were lucky enough to get pregnant with DE I don't want to spoil things worrying about how to break the news to the child and what age is that appropriate . OE natural pregnancy - the mothers don't face those dilemmmas .

    I respect everyone's opinion and it's good the donor conception network is there for support and some of their stories have made me feel better but nevertheless what I struggle with is the thought of sitting a 2 year old on my lap reading them a story about the lady and a rainbow and the kind lady abroad who gave her egg ....

    It makes me sad , I want any child I have to not have to be exposed to this. I've felt very guilty about my desire not to tell any child I may conceive of their origins .

    I'd rather "cross bridges when I come to them " rather than timetable appropriate ages and levels of disclosure to a child ......

    Is it just me that feels this way? . Pregnancy motherhood should be a precious magical time ... I'm now considering not bowing to the pressure of the "you must tell" stance !