* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83056 times)

0 Members

Offline nevertoolate

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
modify
NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #260 on: 17/05/17, 14:01 »
When I was handed a DCN leaflet at my clinic, I resented that only one view was being discussed as if all the children not told were going to automatically grow up with emotional issues which is simply not true. I am angry that as women using donor eggs are made to feel bad for choosing not to tell as if we have not been through enough already.

I also find it difficult to relate to that one of the senior DCN figures did not use donor eggs themselves but donor sperm, but are at the forefront of writing various stories etc for their organisation encouraging people to tell at an extremely young age.I honestly believe for a woman using donor eggs and using donor sperm are two completely different subjects and different feelings around the options. I would rather have a completely neutral organisation being promoted by the clinics as for all we know they will be talking in years to come in regards to generally speaking changing stance from pro telling to not telling again as it was years ago. It really concerns me that people are only being given one view. Also I get the impression that the approach in the UK and US is somewhat different and I think there maybe more adults with issues about the fact they are from donors in the US.

FertilityFriends

  • Advertisement
  • ***

    Offline Josefine

    • Jr. Member
    • **
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #261 on: 17/05/17, 16:42 »
    Hello ladies, I love your thoughts and comments on this, thank you! You are thinking as I am. I have been ashamed for having this kind of thoughts and feelings, you feel pressured to tell, but I know several people that wished they never knew as adults, people that have been told as children. I think this is a personal decision that only you can take, but pro tellers in a way force others to think as they do because it is the "only right thing to do" and to feel ashamed for wanting to go another way. But who are they to make such decisions for other people. I respect them and their decision and I think that they also should respect that all donīt think the same, we are individuals and have different preferences. The only one that can judge me is God! I will follow this path as it seemed some also does, I felt so alone in this decision. When you google everywhere it says that you must tell, that is the only way, and some even tells you to not have children if you donīt want to tell, thatīs crazy!

    Offline looby1005

    • Sr. Member
    • ****
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #262 on: 17/05/17, 20:45 »
    Hi ladies, I've been reading your posts the past few days but haven't had chance to reply, I'm still in 2 minds whether to tell the child or not, but I'm definitely swaying to not, we have done deivf abroad (which unfortunately has just ended with a missed miscarriage), I don't see the point of telling the child as there is no way of them finding the donor with them bring anonymous. I read something on another forums that has really stuck with me, the lady said; if you borrow an egg from your neighbour to bake a cake is the cake theres?, which is all we have done, some kind lady had given us some eggs. We've supported the embryo to grow and taken care of it like any mother, and I know we will love them whether the egg was ours or not, our blood and body have supported it, I honestly think If the child is loved and feels like they belong they will never question where they came from because they will know you are there mum. I think it is so wrong to judge and be told you must tell them, especially if the donor is anonymous, (sorry I've said that!). Hope I've not rambled too much xx

    Offline Twinkletoes42

    • Full Member
    • ***
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #263 on: 19/05/17, 05:07 »
    Louby, Josefina dreaming of BFP

    I totally agree with all your comments , whilst I have concerns about not telling they are nothing compared to the pro telling option. I believe a child needs to be loved, nurtured and secure. Everytime I think about the telling approach it makes me feel sick . Even on the DCN network website they provide a story about a lady who had DE which resulted in a boy and girl . They were told of their origins . The boy took it in his stride the little girl took months to come to terms with it . Lots of emotional turmoil and upset . The little girl kept asking " so your not my "real" mum ". I thought that was horrendous. Allegedly their child psychologist says that child use the world "real" as they are trying to process something very difficult to comprehend and whilst it's not meant to offend their parents children speak very simply and may not realise the efeects of such words.

    I'm sorry non of the above made me feel any better in fact it's made me more resolute not to tell . I think the trauma of trying to understand that at 6-7 is horrendous and no amount of research , support story telling books etc will convince me of that.
    I know the pro telling group my say I'm being selfish , but how can wanting to protect your future child from hurt confusion and pain be selfish?

    Ladies I am so grateful I have found this thread and I wish you alll the best on your journeys
    Xxx

    Offline Twinkletoes42

    • Full Member
    • ***
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #264 on: 19/05/17, 18:12 »
    Chrissy Lou

    I really relate to what your saying . I'm 43 and my two IVF treatments have failed one I needed a D and C op as there was no fetal heartbeat at 7 weeks I was devastated. I've resigned myself to the fact I'll have t go for DE but I know this sounds crazy but I can't help resenting the fact my partner can have his own genetic child . He says he's ok with not teliing but I'm not sure . We have discussed all this before I have DE treatment in August as I think it's important to iron these things out before treatment . I don't even know whether it'll work or not but I'm desperate to have a child and I know I'll love a DE child unconditionally. I just have this weird resentful anger in me that I can't seem to get over . I'm terrified of having counselling because if the counsellor starts on the you should tell lecture I swear to god I don't know how I'll react.

    I really feel for you ... I take some time , your little one is very young and you partner needs to understand how you feel . I said to my partner . If my eggs were ok and we needed to go for sperm donor . He said I wouldn't like it and that he was unsure whether he'd want to go through with treatment . Everytime get talk about DE I remind him of how he'd feel . I be really got to get to grips with this before August I just feel so angry and resentful and I hate feeling like this .

    I hope you are ok but make your point because it's always easier for the partner that can still have their own genetic child to find telling a suitable option

    Big hug xxxx

    Offline Tinseltown

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #265 on: 23/05/17, 13:47 »
    It's looking more and more likely that we'll be going for DE treatment (already making arrangements). My question is: how do I get access to the secure thread?

    Because we're very much leaning towards the 'no telling' camp.

    To be honest, in addition to my experience growing up as a step child (parents weren't the problem... distant relatives were), the divisive political events of the last few years have shown me that we are FAR away from the 'inclusive' society I thought we lived in years ago. And we don't know whether we'll always be living near a big cosmopolitan city, where people don't make a fuss about children being donor conceived (at least to your face). Considering that we'll be using an anonymous donor, I don't see the point of telling.

    I also regrettably read YouTube comments of videos where people admitted they were a donor, and some of the comments were atrocious. You can ignore those comments and live in blissful ignorance, but these were unfiltered comments made by people that, I'd say, showed their true self. The comments told me that while I and a lot of people on this forum are fine with donor eggs... a large part (the majority even?!?) of the world's population just isn't ready for that yet. And I'm not quite sure I want myself or my child to play martyrs...

    Offline Twinkletoes42

    • Full Member
    • ***
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #266 on: 23/05/17, 15:35 »
    Dear Tinseltown

    I feel the same way you do . I have private messaged bundles and asked if she will be add me to the private thread as I think she is one of the moderators of this site .

    X

    Offline Tinseltown

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #267 on: 23/05/17, 18:42 »
    Thanks, Twinkletoes42.

    I previously thought I might tell the child, but no one else. However, the more I think about it, the more I don't want to tell at all. It would be something just between DH and I. It is annoying me though that there are no other views shown anywhere other than the 'telling' camp. I think the research behind the 'telling' is quite biased. How many people are there in the world who were brought up by parents, who may not have been biologically theirs, but grew up happily not knowing – regardless of whether they were conceived through a donor or conceived naturally? Was research done on them? Likely not...

    Offline Twinkletoes42

    • Full Member
    • ***
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #268 on: 23/05/17, 19:10 »
    Tinseltown

    Honestly I feel exactly the same as you .. I have looked at the donor conception network and none of the stories ale me feel comfortable .. I never want a child to say to me " so you're not my mummy " . It makes me feel sick . I also think ... my donor is anonymous so why would this info help the child ... I just don't see it ..

    I'm adamant I'm not telling and so is my partner he can see how this upsets me

    Xxx

    Offline Twinkletoes42

    • Full Member
    • ***
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #269 on: 23/05/17, 21:41 »
    Ladies

    I hope you don't mind me sharing the below article I read today .. The lady who wrote this sums up so eloquently how I feel . I'm moving on to DE and I know it's my only option however having read the below article it struck such a chord I thought I'd share it .
    Grieving the genetic link
    I just watched George Cukor's 1944 gothic masterpiece Gaslight, starring the luminous Ingrid Bergman. She won that year's Best Actress Oscar for her taut, unnerving performance as a Victorian woman being driven slowly mad by...well, that would be telling.

    A couple of months ago, we watched SciFi Channel's Earthsea, starring Bergman's daughter Isabella Rossellini. Regrettably -- because Ursula K. Le Guin's novel A Wizard of Earthsea and its sequels are so outstanding -- Rossellini's performance was the only memorable one in the miniseries. Perhaps that's why I thought of her as I watched her mother on screen. Film is a time-flummoxing media. Before my eyes was a mother, younger by years than the daughter I remembered from another film. I was struck by the echoes of the one in the other. Their voices, their eyes, that distinctive shape to the mouth....

    It hit me hard, a hammer blow: I will never see in my donor egg child those echoes of myself. The genetic link is lost.

    Grief, the experts tell us, comes from loss. Any sort of loss, though death is the most commonly discussed type. When I think of the grief I feel at not being able to have a genetic child, I also feel guilt. As if I should be so happy and grateful to have a child by any means, that I have no right to these feelings. As if, by feeling this grief, I label my donor egg baby as "not good enough." And so I thrust the grief away from me. I try not to own it.

    Yet it is still here, like a piece of furniture I keep tripping over in this house of infertility. And, all experts in the field agree: A woman must "work through" her grief at the lost genetic link before she is ready to be a donor egg mother.

    Madeline Feingold, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in reproductive medicine, offers this: "...couples must grieve so that the loss of their genetic child does not cast a shadow that negatively interferes with parenting and loving the child that will be their own" (Disclosing Origins: Children Born through Third Party Reproduction).

    Oh, my God. I'm already a bad mother. One look at Ingrid Bergman and all my grief work is unraveled. I am crushed. Amputated. Something vital is gone, and can never be regained. But what is it? I can get neither my hands nor my head around it. I have to ask myself: What have I lost? Who died?

    Many proponents of donor egg insist there is no loss, or none that matters. I will have the experience of pregnancy, that some call the "gestational link." I will give birth. I will breastfeed at 2 a.m. and hover anxiously over the crib while my baby sleeps, making sure that little chest rises and falls. I will churn through rolls and rolls of film, create silly Web sites devoted to my offspring, and someday join the homework and soccer-practice grind. I will be the only woman my little one knows as "Mom." I will love my child like a lioness, fiercely and without reserve. If I consider only the act and experience of motherhood, then I will have lost nothing by being a donor egg mother. Thank God.

    Yet, for me, there is a loss. I have lost the ability to pass on my genes, and to mingle them equally with my husband's in the creation of our child. My body has failed to do its full duty in this process of conception. Because of that, what should be emotionally simple, even joyful, becomes complex and fraught with doubts and fears. I would not be human if I didn't wonder, "Will I bond with this child as I should? Will my child resent me for my choice?" And a whole host of other worries that I can come up with in the wee hours of the night. These are not the concerns of a mother who conceives with her own eggs, and the loss of that simplicity is grievous.

    Recently, I found the article Infertility and Aftershocks, by Patricia Irwin Johnston. In it, she writes beautifully and sensitively of the impact of unresolved grief for the lost genetic link on the lives of adoptive parents and children. I hope Ms. Johnston would forgive me for quoting from her article and substituting "egg donation" for "adoption," because I believe the issues are the same:

    "It's like this. Egg donation makes us parents, but it doesn't make us fertile. Much as we might wish differently, egg donation, despite giving us parenthood, cannot change the facts of those several other losses associated with infertility -- the loss of control over many intimate and practical aspects of our lives; the loss of genetic connection and immortality; the loss of the opportunity to create a new person who is the genetic and symbolic blend of love we share with our life's partner. . . . Egg donation can't give us these things that infertility took from us."

    When I first realized what diminished ovarian reserve meant, there was black terror in knowing that when I die, I am extinct on this earth. Genetically, I am a dead branch. I will not continue. That reality scared me, deep in the gut. I am far from superb as a genetic specimen, and in my rational moments I know that I will leave my legacy in other, more important ways. But the loss is still felt.

    It helped me to realize that it's a two-way street: We grieve that we will not pass on the traits we like about ourselves or our birth families, but we may feel a (guilty) sort of relief that we can avoid bequests such as alcoholism, depression, or--believe me, I've pondered this one--a genetic predisposition for early menopause. And "traits" are not all passed on genetically. Values, habits, mannerisms . . . all these come with family, and will be available for good or ill to my child.

    Another element of the genetic loss is familial. I have a nephew who is the spitting image of his grandfather. That will never be, for my baby -- unless he looks like my husband's dad. My family is proudly Irish and has a 200-year history in one Southern city. It saddens me to think of taking my child there, or to Ireland itself, and having those places mean nothing to him. I ache at the thought that my child, no matter how much loved and welcomed by me and all my family, will be different than her cousins. I don't want that difference for her. I want her to merge into our family like a raindrop into a river and never worry or wonder about where she "comes from." That is simply not to be for my child. I feel as if I should take her in my arms right now and say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I could not give that to you."

    It helps to realize that grieving a lost genetic link is not unique to donor egg mothers. Adoptive parents and children have struggled and made their peace with it for years. I have a friend whose husband was adopted, and he has none of the issues I fear will afflict my child. He looks on his place in his family as "adopted into the clan" in the Scottish sense: "...the chief of a clan would 'ingather' any stranger, of whatever family, who possessed suitable skills, maintained his allegiance and, if required, adopted the clan surname." Now, that's the right idea.

    A last and somewhat ignoble loss is this one: It just wasn't supposed to happen this way. If in fact Change = Loss = Grief, then I have sustained a heavy loss: The idea of my life as it was supposed to be; as I expected it, dreamed of it, worked toward it. The hard part was supposed to be finding someone to be a father to my children; I never imagined that I would have to go to such unusual measures to have them in the first place. There's a not-very-grown-up person inside me who wants to be just like everybody else, with a mate and a cottage in the suburbs and 2.5 adorable children who may someday say to me after a tussle over curfew, "I hate you!" but who will never say, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother." The woman who strove for that life will never achieve her goal, and I feel badly for her, even as I have to tell her, "Oh, grow up."

    It occurs to me to measure my progress against the famed Five Stages of Grief. Am I still in denial, refusing to acknowlege my loss? No, I don't think so. How about anger; am I still asking "Why me!" or wailing "This isn't fair!" I must plead guilty on that one. I will probably be angry about my reproductive fate until love for my donor egg baby makes that feeling meaningless. Am I still striking bargains with God, promising to cure world hunger if he will only give me a baby? No. My miscarriages cured me of that one. If God were going to come through with a genetic child, surely it would have been one of those. My personal favorite -- depression, suffered while we mourn not just the loss but our dreams, hopes and plans -- still dogs me every day. Without it, I don't think I'd be writing this.

    And so we come to acceptance, the state of finding comfort and healing from grief, and the ability to reframe the situation to see its positive aspects. Here I would have to say, "I'm getting there." The truth is, I will cycle through these stages of grief many times as my donor egg journey continues.

    The one thing I cling to, that I read over and over again on one support board that I visit, is this: Once you have your baby, all the doubts and fears go away. Amen, wise sisters.