* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83063 times)

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Offline Tinseltown

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #270 on: 24/05/17, 00:07 »
Of course, it is sad to not have your own genetic child. And part of me does mourn the fact that DH and I may never have a child that carries both our genes. In fact, the other day I had a bit of a melt-down. We left it pretty late to start a family, chasing corporate careers over the years than worry about things like diapers. And suddenly, that day, a question popped up in my mind: "For what?"

I realised that whatever we worked for wasn't worth the sacrifice of never having your own biological children. But I'm pragmatic enough to know that what is done is done. We can't go back in time. Although DH does still hope that the same thing happens to us that happened to our friends: they couldn't conceive for years, then adopted a little girl and months after the adoption, my friend fell pregnant. By accident.

However, I believe that due to the experiences I have made growing up, I have also learned very early on that blood should not be thicker than water. That having a genetic link to some people does not mean a thing, really. I'm biologically related to some very selfish people I haven't seen for decades, and for reasons I will keep to myself, I probably have no interest in seeing again. When DH and I discussed the use of DE the other day, the fact that we have to trust the clinic with donor selection unnerved him a little. "How do we know they do really weed out total psychos?" :o And I actually blurted out: "If you knew some of the people I'm related to... well, let's say I'd be happy for my kids to not share their genes."

The fact that I have a mixed ethnic background helps in a way. This means I look nothing like my mother. I don't look like her parents either or my cousins (some of whom do look alike). Talking about it... my mom does not look like her siblings either. In fact, they apparently used to tease her, when she was young, telling her she was a foundling, etc. as she didn't look like the others. Even if I had bio kids with DH, there's a big chance they wouldn't look like me either. I guess these experiences make it easier for me to accept DE treatment. But I am very aware that for many, the above is not the case.

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    Offline nevertoolate

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #271 on: 24/05/17, 00:53 »
    Hi
    I have posted many times at my own anguish at being at the stage of using donor eggs. I feel I am much closer to peace about this now I have my little boy. I feel very sad at the loss of genetics as I think it would have been nice to see myself reflected in the face of my little boy but to be honest I really do feel will live on through him.

    The true legacy will be him being an amazing human being thanks to all the love and care and kindness I am showering upon him. He will never feel I have not done my very best for him and that is more than my genetic parents ever bothered doing for me. That article quote brings up lots of interesting points but that would be my response to the being extinct comment.

    I see so many amazing women on here who wish they had our issues as they are still trying to fall pregnant using donor eggs. My little boy is so beautiful he is his own little person but I will have a very important impact on his life. I am going to make sure he feels secure and happy emotionally, socially financially and any other way I can. He will always know he is loved. This is light years to what I have experienced so I am not giving myself any guilt trip over using a donor egg to get pregnant.

    Offline Twinkletoes42

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #272 on: 24/05/17, 05:07 »
    Tinseltown/ dreaming of BFP

    Thank you for your responses you are both clearly very strong ladies , I just hope I can get to a point you two are at ... I guess I'm just having a wobble. I'm still trying to come to terms with things having had a miscarriage ) D & C last week. I'm trying to find ways of moving on through DE it's just tougher than I imagined. I did for treatment in August so I really have to get my head round things before then . So thank you for your comments and support . I'm going to try counselling as I think I need it .

    Once again

    Thank you x

    Offline Josefine

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #273 on: 25/05/17, 19:12 »
    hello ladies, if feel blessed today. After consultation with the clinic, reading here, talking with my husband we have decided to not tell and it feels 100% right for us. And that feeling/decision makes me/us feel so much lighter in the spirit. To tell just is not the right way for us, not matter what others think about that.

    Offline Twinkletoes42

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    « Reply #274 on: 25/05/17, 19:41 »
    Josefine

    I feel the same way you do .. I think not telling will also help me come to terms with things. We have decided 100% not to tell and I have to say I feel more comfortable with this approach

    Xx

    Offline Josefine

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    « Reply #275 on: 25/05/17, 21:08 »
    Twinkletoes Me too, it was a hard decision, but mostly because of what people thinks about it. Just follow your heart and donīt listen to much about others opinions.

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #276 on: 26/05/17, 09:33 »
    Ladies  :)

    Sorry but I have chicken pox in the house  :-\  so will answer PM's as soon as I can. Please bear with me !!

    Bundles xx

    Offline Twinkletoes42

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    « Reply #277 on: 31/05/17, 17:25 »
    Hi Bundles
    I hope the outbreak of chicken pox passes soon !!!
    😷😷😷😷😷.
    Take care

    Xx

    Offline Tinseltown

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #278 on: 3/06/17, 18:12 »
    For those who don't want to tell... do you sometimes get nervous by those AncestryDNA ads on the telly? I absolutely hate it... always wonder 'what if'...

    Offline Me, Myself and I

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #279 on: 7/06/17, 09:40 »
    Tinseltown I do  fear that even though my los donor was anonymous that this type of thing could one day lead to my lo tracing the donor and that open all sorts of heartache and likewise half siblings.  Maybe selfish of me.....