* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83060 times)

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Offline Twinkletoes42

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #290 on: 8/06/17, 21:03 »
Josefine, looby, dreaming of BFP and Tinseltown,

I agree with your comments we are going for donor treatment soon embryo transfer will be in August but first trip to clinic abroad is mid June . I've researched the telling side of things and I have to say none of the stories make me feel reassured . We have decided there's no way we are telling . For one I don't want to tell a child information they cannot do anything with . ... what I mean by that is ... they donor is anonymous ( I want it that way) . Therefore why tell them something that created more issues , confusion and unanswered questions .

I hate the way "non tellers " are often judged .... or that "telling" is seen to be the only way forward .... how about letting parents decide for themselves and in the meantime let them get on with providing a loving home and enjoying parenthood as opposed to pushing values etc onto others ..

I'm so pleased I've found this forum and particularly this thread !!!

 ^hugme^
Xx

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    Offline nevertoolate

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #291 on: 8/06/17, 21:13 »
    it is the most intimate and one of the most important things you will go through in your life so why would i let complete strangers dictate how i deal with this with my child. i just really do resent that the telling organisation dcn is being promoted at clinics and couples and singles new to this whole world as i was are automatically being encouraged to join this group without getting other sides of this which is unfair.
    i have gone through enough to get here already, i am now deciding that my child will have a very happy childhood and secure that i am his mummy (which i am and the donor would not have it any other way) despite outside opinions...!!!
    best of luck with your treatment. xx

    Offline looby1005

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #292 on: 8/06/17, 21:19 »
    I feel like I need a like button for your posts, we need these forums to reasure us that we are doing the right thing and there is nothing wrong with not telling xx

    Offline nevertoolate

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #293 on: 8/06/17, 23:12 »
    thank you, being put in a situation where i need to use donor eggs i found it very tough. everything i took for granted went out the window. i still feel sad but when my little boy smiles at me every time i pick him up i know he loves me and is thriving with all the love and care i put into him. for some organisation to be telling me i need to be talking to my infant about donors is for me odd. he is my family and i am his. that is all that matters. he is the baby i was destined to have.

    Offline Tinseltown

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #294 on: 11/06/17, 23:44 »
    We will be going for DE treatment around November (trying to get myself as healthy as possible first). First appointments are scheduled in September. I was always very worried about whether the baby would feel like mine and whether other people might be able to tell if the baby didn't look that much like me. However, after having spent some time looking after DH's niece, I have zero worries about that now. Said niece is around 3 and unlike me (mixed ethnic background) is blonde and blue-eyed. People thought I was the mummy!!!

    We are DEFINITELY in the no-telling camp. I just don't see the point. I have seen too many uneducated Youtube video comments about people thinking that donors are giving their babies away, etc. and being totally against it. They don't get that an egg is a cell. Nothing else. In years to come, they will probably be able to create babies from other cells in your body!

    Also, we live in such a divided society right now, I don't think it takes much to make people bully others who are 'different'.


    Offline Twinkletoes42

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    « Reply #295 on: 12/06/17, 19:35 »
    Tinseltown

    My heart goes out to you as I'm in the same situation. My partner and I go to Russia this weekend for him to provide the sperm sample ... embryo transfer is scheduled for August. I know I should be happy things are progressing but I feel like the bystander... that my role doesn't count ... I'm the random incubator... I really hope I feel differently soon but it's all a bit overwhelming at the moment .. I feel guilty I'm not elated I should be happy my partner is going to have his genetic child I just feel like I'm on the sidelines and I'm watching things unfold... I truly hope my feelings change soon as I know my negative thoughts aren't healthy I just can't help feeling this way xxxx

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #296 on: 12/06/17, 19:46 »
    Tinsel & Twinkle ^hugme^

    I can assure you that when you are carrying that precious bundle inside you, your feelings will change. You will feel each flutter turn into a wriggle and then a kick !! You will wonder at what you are growing & you will cry the moment you hear YOUR baby cry as it enters this world, & you will fall in love the moment they lay them on you. You will grow them, nourish them & then feed them. Your heart will break when they feel pain, you will give them the food from your plate and you will stare at them for hours.
    Trust me, you will love them ! And if you're like me, given a time machine to go back & use my OE, I wouldn't because I couldn't imagine my life without these exact children  :)

    Bundles x

    Offline Sassy-lassy

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    « Reply #297 on: 13/06/17, 00:40 »
    Just wanted to second Bundles last post.  To start with, I was ambivalent about the use of DE and tbh - and this is where I differed from Bundles - didn't really bond with the baby growing inside me.  My body loathed being pregnant, which meant I was ill for the while 8 months I carried it and due to previous losses, think that subconsciously, I distanced myself.  That all changed when she was born, and the fierceness with which I love my beautiful, darling DE child knocked me sideways.  I didn't think it was possible to love this much.  And if you gave me the chance to backtrack and swap her for a child with my own genetics, I wouldn't even want to finish the conversation.

    Offline Twinkletoes42

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    « Reply #298 on: 15/06/17, 19:47 »
    Bundles / sassy lassy

    Thank you for your lovely messages , they give me hope things will work out . We are off to Russia tomorrow first part of the journey , I praying things work .. embryo transfer planned for august after genetic testing .
    I had a D&C in May as on my last OE ivf cycle no heartbeat was found at 7.5 weeks 😢. I've not had a period since the D&C op ... I'm hoping it arrives this weekend as I have to start the pill soon and start planning endometrium support end of July ready for transfer in August .....

    Well ladies I'll keep you posted thanks for keeping me sane , your posts have really helped more than you know
     ^hugme^
    Xxx

    Offline Tick

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    « Reply #299 on: 20/06/17, 12:47 »
    I've just caught up with the thread after a while, and I was pleased to see activity on this one again.  I am, in the end, in the telling camp, for various, mainly practical, reasons.  However, I therefore wanted all the non-tellers to know that there are people from the telling camp who absolutely fully support your choice not to tell. It is a decision most people never have to make, and sometimes it isn't easy, but the choice is yours.  Please don't get upset by the opinions that come through loudest - as there are ones here that provide you support and hopefully work for you.  Looby1005 - please don't doubt yourself, there is nothing wrong with not telling!

    And to add another voice to Bundles & Sassy Lassy: The start up was slightly different - I was absolutely fine with the decision to go with DE, as by that stage it was obvious that was my only way to have a child.  But I hated the pregnancies.  I was ill the whole time each time.  But I didn't distance myself.  Being sick all day certainly made me feel involved in the process.  And now I have two wonderful children and I don't even think about him being a DE child when I look at my son.  I just think he is my son.  And ditto for my daughter.  And I also would not swap either of them for an OE child as they are my children just as they are.  And although my son may not look like me - he actually takes after his dad - in character he is totally me. 

    Good luck to all going for treatment!