* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83038 times)

0 Members

Offline MadameCissy

  • Gold Member
  • *****
  • Found our silver lining
modify
NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #30 on: 27/02/15, 20:10 »
Thank you for your comments, ladies. It really does reaffirm that we made a decision that truly felt right for us. we know the minimal basics about our donor (weight, height, eye colour, hair, profession, blood type) but he's nothing more than a number to us.

FertilityFriends

  • Advertisement
  • ***

    Offline Shoegirl10

    • Volunteer
    • *
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #31 on: 28/02/15, 07:29 »
     ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

    Offline evan80

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #32 on: 28/02/15, 16:30 »
    Madamecissy great to see you here. Like you I am convinced that we have made the right decision about not telling the child that he was conceived through a donor. I am so thankful for this thread because I had so many doubts about the whole issue.

    Our son means the world to us and I am so glad that dh has bonded so well with him and was relieved to hear him say that he does not regret the decision. As people have said on this board once we give our child all the love that he needs he will not feel the need to go looking for the donor. I am very grateful for the donor's act of selflessness because we would never have been able to become parents. What I don't agree with is the fact that when treatment is successful our clinic has the policy of informing the donor that treatment has been successful and they also inform him of the gender of the child. But I guess it is their policy and we just have to accept it.

    Offline MadameCissy

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • Found our silver lining
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #33 on: 28/02/15, 19:19 »
    Evan, good to see you here too. When we conceived, we had to inform the sperm bank that we'd gotten pregnant. But it's for their own records, not for the donor to know. It's just registered as pregnancy conceived through that particular donor.  I've been thinking about it all even more since joining this thread and the more I do, the more convinced and secure I feel.  :) I also just noticed our boys are only 10 days apart.  :)

    Offline liz lemon

    • Un-Ranked
    • *
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #34 on: 1/03/15, 17:53 »
    Hello everyone

    Even though I know ultimately we will have to make our own decision, I wonder if any of you can offer your thoughts on what you would choose if you were in my shoes. Here's my situation: I am in a same-sex relationship, and I need to use donor eggs. We have a choice between a totally anonymous sperm donor (we'd do embryo donation in this case), or having a male friend donate the sperm. There are no issues regarding trusting him, etc. He is genuinely happy to have as little or as much involvement as we/the child wishes, at whatever time in our lives. We have decided (for the time being; a bit of chopping and changing sometimes!) not to tell the child that we used an egg donor, as it will be impossible for them to find out any information anyway, so it would potentially be more stressful to know but never be able to identify the donor than not know at all. Which option would you choose for the sperm donation, and why? I'm very conflicted, trying to work out what is best for the child, rather that what might suit me! Thoughts from anyone gratefully received!

    Offline CrazyHorse

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #35 on: 1/03/15, 18:09 »
    Hi, liz lemon (love your name, BTW!), if it were me I would go for the anonymous sperm donor. Not because you don't or shouldn't trust your friend, but because it's very hard for people to accurately predict in advance their emotions about a situation they've never been in before. It's one thing to be a sperm donor and know (or suspect) that you have a hypothetical offspring that you've never seen, and quite another to know that your friends' child, whom you have seen in person multiple times, is biologically yours. No matter how well prepared you and your friend believe you all are, he may find himself in the future having feelings he would never predict now. If it were me, I would opt for the scenario with the least risk of possible drama, which is definitely the anonymous donor.

    Part of the reason I say this is that I am friends with a hetero couple in which, about 20 years ago, the male partner considered donating sperm to a lesbian couple who are mutual friends. Ultimately, it didn't happen due to one of the members of the same-sex couple changing her mind about moving forward with children at that time; years later, after the hetero couple had children of their own, the wife told me she was very glad in retrospect that her DH hadn't donated the sperm, as she would have felt really strange about having one of his bio children raised by someone else as an unacknowledged half-sibling to her children, even though the child would have good and loving parents. So it can be weird not only for the known donor, but for the donor's partner as well.

    Anyway, just my $0.02. I'm sure it will work out fine whatever you choose.

    Offline liz lemon

    • Un-Ranked
    • *
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #36 on: 1/03/15, 19:23 »
    Thanks CrazyHorse; yours is a bit good too!

    And thanks for the input. I'm one of those people who need to talk things through and hear what others think, and of course I can't do this in real life, because if we're not telling, that means not telling anyone at all. Quite the challenge for a natural over-sharer!

    The points you make are really important, and i'll add them to my ever-increasing list of pros and cons. If we used our friend, we would have to go with the flow and be open about him being the donor, and whilst I know that he would be okay with the child having a relationship with him if he/she wanted, but he is single at the moment and this could change if he met someone who didn't want him to have contact etc. All worst case scenarios, and I think he is made of sterner stuff than that, but you never know. Also, although I would be okay with the donor having a role, I would worry about my wife feeling ousted. So much to think about.

    If I was in a heterosexual relationship, I think I'd find it all much more clear-cut, because not telling the child that both egg and sperm donors were used doesn't leave the obvious void of no father present. What a palaver. I do wish I wasn't one of life's ruminating types!

    Offline MadameCissy

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • Found our silver lining
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #37 on: 1/03/15, 20:39 »
    Liz lemon, I am also in a same sex relationship and when we first started discussing the subject of children, we also considered the option of using a friend as our sperm donor. We decided against it eventually because we were worried about the donor changing his mind and wanting involvment in the child's life, which was something we did not want at all. It is impossible to see into then future and your donor may be just find, but a same sex couple I know who used a known donor is now experiencing their donor wanting more contact, even though they had agreed not to.

    We used anonymous donor sperm because we wanted to avoid all of that and because we don't see how a known donor would fit into our lives as a family. To us, and I speak for us as a couple alone, the donor was merely a means to an end. We are our son's parents.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.  ^hugme^

    Offline bombsh3ll

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • 50% science, 50% prayer, 100% love.
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #38 on: 1/03/15, 20:59 »
    Hi liz lemon,

    I agree with the others- in your position I would go for the embryo adoption. That way you get total control and anonymity - however well intentioned your friend is, it has the potential to cause complications further down the line.

    Embryo adoption also has more practical advantages too, being several thousand pounds cheaper than fresh DEIVF. You know the embryos already exist and their number and quality, no worries about no eggs/no fertilisation etc as you've skipped that bit.

    Also the logistics of using a known sperm donor for DEIVF in the UK would be a nightmare - tons of mandatory counselling, long wait for eggs & non-anonymous ED. If you went abroad for treatment, you would have to either fly the donor out too or ship his frozen sperm out of the UK - which is a legal minefield as well.

    Good luck whatever you decide,

    B xxx

    Offline liz lemon

    • Un-Ranked
    • *
    modify
    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #39 on: 1/03/15, 22:59 »
    Thanks MadameCissy and bombsh3ll, I really appreciate the input. We are going to use an overseas clinic anyway, because it's so much cheaper but bombsh3ll, you are so right about using a friend as donor in the UK being a huge hassle, as in addition to everything you've pointed out, his sperm would have to be frozen for 6 months before we could get started, all of which ruled out UK clinics very early on.

    Regarding any change of mind regarding involvement of the donor friend in our child's life, I'm not (yet) as worried about that as the potential for my child to be disappointed or worse if she/he did want to be in contact and the donor didn't. At least the child is protected from potential rejection with the anon donor route.