* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83059 times)

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Offline Me, Myself and I

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #310 on: 27/07/17, 13:25 »
Your only real option is to pay privately and admit the de. Then not include the results in your folder. But you'll presumably have to prove your identity /address for payment etc. So will never be "totally anonymous " iykwim?

In real terms even if you told a private practitioner they cannot share that information without your consent.  So you have to decide what's more important re the test - no financial outlay or sharing with the test provider.

Fwiw I know someone who thought their insurance would cover but it didn't as it was counted beyond the required testing so check your policy for clarification.

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    Offline Sassy-lassy

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    « Reply #311 on: 1/08/17, 13:58 »
    Hi MoneyBunny - I have exactly the same experience as the other lady (FoxGlove) and indeed, think I may have written about it on here. I developed a soft indicator for downs at around 25 weeks, and had the Harmony test then.  I had it done privately as the only NHS option was amniocentesis, which I did not want because it was invasive and didn't want to take the risk.  I did not disclose that I'd used DE with the first test and it came back as inconclusive which cause my stress level to hit the roof.  Saw Professor N. at the Centre for Fetal Medicine and he scanned me, at which point we did disclose DE.  The DE makes a huge difference, which I did not realise, even though I had read up about it before I took the test and thought we could avoid disclosing.  So, the upshot is... if you want it done (and we needed it) get it done privately and stress you do not want the results sent/disclosed to anyone else.  DON'T get it done on the NHS, even if it is offered, because for a reliable result, you do have to disclose and then the cat's out of the bag as far as your records are concerned.     

    Offline moneybunny

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #312 on: 6/08/17, 12:00 »
    Thanks Sassy-Lassy, that was helpful.
    I decided not to do the Harmony test at all and to go for Amnio.
    i asked my IVF clinic at the Czech republic  if the Amnio will reveal the DE factor
    They replied that The laboratory won´t find out that the baby is from ED when taking Amnio test.

    They did recommend to undergo an examination of the fetus karyotype from my blood. (for example Clarigo test).
    As It is not an invasive method like Amnio test.

    Did anyone went through that test?

    Offline Tinseltown

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #313 on: 21/09/17, 12:57 »
    Hi everyone,

    We are getting closer to our treatment (later this year) and are making a decision on clinics by the end of the month. Unfortunately, wherever I look, comments have been completely swamped by the 'tell' brigade – some of whom, to be honest, place an undue emphasis on DNA and only think of the mothers as the ones having a genetic link with the child. Apparently, us 'birth mothers' would be 'step mothers' and we're just bringing up someone else's child with our DP in their place. Those comments sort of made it sound like we were the 'other woman' and that we were taking a child away from their 'real' family, i.e. donor's mom, siblings, etc. who will never know their grandchild or nephew/niece and will experience pain their whole lives. Others have pointed out that this was insensitive and that without us 'recipients', the child in question would never ever have existed in the first place... as our DPs don't even know the donor! But most of the comments were still pro-tell and I have to say, it upset me quite a bit.   >:( ^idiot^

    And then, there are those people who basically think that everyone has a right to know who they are, etc. Are you kidding me? Are you trying to tell me you don't know who you are without knowing your DNA? If that's how you think, you have a bigger fish to fry, because no amount of DNA analysis will be able to tell you who you are!

    Seriously though... am I just the one crazy person on this planet who doesn't care about my DNA? I don't need science to tell me who my family is. I KNOW. And for me, family isn't defined by blood. In fact, there are some people I have very close genetic links to, who I do NOT consider to be family for reasons that will remain private. As in, I have zero contact with them and have no urge to have it. I remember a song that said something along the lines of: Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood. And that encapsulates how I feel about 'family'.

    For centuries, humans were capable of living their lives without the knowledge of DNA. People didn't jump off a cliff en masse or went through a self-discovery crisis just because they didn't know their DNA. Otherwise, the human race would have been extinct by now. I'm beginning to think the 'tell' brigade who think like this have serious first world problems and obviously have too much time on their hands to think about themselves this much.

    It's a sad state of affairs, when people think their place in the world is defined by their DNA. I mean... if your ancestors were complete losers, will you just throw in the towel and use it as an excuse to never do well? I have met enough people who rest on the laurels of their forebears, and I'm like... "OK, that was your ancestor, and those were his/her achievements. What have YOU done?"

    If I had kids who carried my genes, I wouldn't expect them to be exactly like me or like my husband. Both of us come from families where people could actually sing, for example. I think our neighbors would complain if we even tried to. Instead, I would have looked out for their individual talents and encourage them to do well with what they have. It wouldn't be different if I had a DE child.

    Anyway. Rant over.

    Is there anyone on here who has a DE child now and chose not to tell? How is it going? Do you hardly think about it at all? Do the 'tell' comments you see still upset you?

    Offline Tincancat

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    « Reply #314 on: 21/09/17, 13:42 »
    Tinseltown your rant has made my day  ;D
    Yep who gives a  ^furios^ about DNA.  I'm pro tell but only because it is important to some people so I'd like my boys to be aware of this plus I don't want it to come out as any 'big secret'  in the future.  I could quite easily have claimed a holiday romance as I had my treatment completely solo abroad.  It means nothing to me- my boys are my family however they came to be.  Naturally I hope my boys will grow up to believe the same.  Hope you find some fellow not telling child people without being swamped by the telling brigade.
    TCCx

    Offline Tinseltown

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    « Reply #315 on: 23/09/17, 01:36 »
    Well, Tincancat...   :)

    ... I haven’t even mentioned some apparently Christian people who are completely against donor egg/sperm treatments and use  their belief to justify their view. And seriously, one of these days, I might just tell them that they must have read a completely different bible to me.

    Because from where I see it, Jesus could pretty much be called a donor sperm child. Unless, of course, you think Mary was up to no good and committed several sins... so take your pick.   ::)

    Offline Tincancat

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    « Reply #316 on: 23/09/17, 09:36 »
     ;D could indeed be the modern day interpretation.  I never get why people think they can 'force'  their views upon others whatever those views and ideas maybe.
    TCCx

    Offline Happy652

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    « Reply #317 on: 12/10/17, 01:59 »
    Tinseltown i really enjoyed your rant. Thank you, i agree

    Offline Taz29duffy

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    « Reply #318 on: 22/11/17, 11:32 »
    Hi all,

    I am about to transfer our last frozen Embryo and hold little hope. After that we are moving on to donor eggs. At the moment i am in the not telling group, as I suppose I am thinking about how I would feel if it had been my mum who had conceived via DE. I guess this is a very personal decision and I am respectful of parents decisions whether it is to tell or not tell.

    Spin x

    Offline Tinseltown

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    « Reply #319 on: 11/12/17, 23:43 »
    Taz29duffy – Personally, I think that the parent who loved me would trump any parent that produced me.

    Garth Brooks (country music superstar) grew up in a 'blended family', and he wrote a song called 'Thicker than blood' with the line 'Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood'. Coming from a blended family myself, I agree with that notion.