* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83057 times)

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Offline louise48910

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #330 on: 1/06/18, 23:27 »
I'm not sure how appropriate it is for me to comment here as I am definitely (and was before i found out......) in the telling camp, however I am actually a donor conceived child myself who found out fairly recently. I think my Mum only told me because she knows we used donor sperm to have our child. My Mum couldn't believe how well I took it. I am not remotely traumatised. Personally I may register on the donor conceived register and see if there are any genetic links, however my sibling who found out more recently said he has no interest whatsoever in finding out, said he doesn't care and our Dad is our Dad. He hasn't gone through the experience of infertility himself so isn't coming from the place of understanding that I have. I am very much like my Dad in so many ways from politics, to my personality. That is not DNA, that is him being my Dad. I know there are many articles online that people feel half a person, etc etc and make people feel awful about not telling. Maybe they do feel that way but I certainly don't. I doubt I would never have found out, I've no interest in joining DNA websites etc, sounds like a dodgy money maker to me. Hope it's OK to say that. Despite me being in the telling camp, if your children find out one day they won't necessarily hate you and you will probably only find negative articles online.

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    Offline Candee

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #331 on: 1/06/18, 23:53 »

    Oh Louise! It has made me so happy to read your post!
    I am not telling about the fact that my daughter is double donor.
    It has taken years for my family to come to terms with the fact that I used a sperm donor, so I am never going to introduce the issue of my beautiful egg donor...
    I adore the ground my daughter walks on and we are incredibly close. I have always counted on the fact that if she does find out by accident later, that she will love me so much, that she won't be angry with me... so you can see just how much your post means to me! xxxx


    ZC
    I worried a lot about this when I was pregnant too, but once my daughter came, it became much less important - once you have your baby in your arms, a lot of worries will fade away!
    xxx

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #332 on: 2/06/18, 13:52 »
    And then in the hospital it is down as a DE baby due to panorama testing (not being able to get harmony test due to DE). So thats a record on my hospital file and maybe their birth record. Actually I might just check that. So baby blood type is already know

    I think you will in all likelihood be able to get away with not telling as long as the information doesn't make it on to the baby's birth record from birth.

    The cat is however partially out of the bag given you have disclosed use of DE to your obstetric team, and will be indelibly on your medical records. Depending on how the law stands in the future, in rare circumstances your child may gain access your medical records in years to come for example if you passed away and there was a medical negligence case. This is highly unlikely.

    The biggest concern is transfer of any reference to DE use into your baby's records, which they may subsequently access for themselves or may come up in any future consultations. Perhaps you could speak to the hospital about this - they may have a confidential advocacy service.

    Regarding blood group, it is likely your clinic would have chosen a donor for you with a plausible blood type. This means that even though their blood type may be different to yours, it could only result in your baby having a blood type that could have occurred naturally given the combination of yours and your husband's blood group. For example if you are A and your husband is O, your donor could be A or O as any resulting child's blood group could have plausibly resulted from yours and your husband's combination. They could not however be a B, as this may result in a child that could not have occurred from A and O parents.

    What I would say to anyone on this path who has either decided on not telling or wants to keep this option, is think very carefully in the first place about disclosing use of donor gametes/embryos to your medical providers in the UK at all. There is no clinical benefit to doing so as far as I am aware. If you are in the older age group, having your team believe you used your own eggs would only result in possibly closer monitoring or being considered as higher risk for complications, which is not a disadvantage. Of course if you are 50+ it is blatantly obvious you haven't used your own recently harvested eggs, but if asked, you could still claim to have used eggs or embryos frozen some years back.

    I did not have any prenatal screening other than the structural anomaly scan at 20 weeks as this can identify treatable problems and has nothing to do with genetic material. I opted not to have any blood tests based on genetics as my personal belief is this is abortion mongering rather than healthcare. I appreciate that this is not everyone's view but you do have a right to decline such tests (or ignore/recalculate result based on donor's age in the case of Down's screening).

    Just some things to consider for those wanting to keep the nature of their treatment completely private.

    B x

    Offline Me731

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #333 on: 2/09/18, 16:46 »
    I'm not sure how appropriate it is for me to comment here as I am definitely (and was before i found out......) in the telling camp, however I am actually a donor conceived child myself who found out fairly recently.


    Louise, I don't think you could know how grateful I am to read your lovely post. Your parents are so fortunate to have you! xox

    Offline louise48910

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #334 on: 12/09/18, 22:57 »
    Aw, thankyou! I can tell you that 7 months after finding out I'm still not remotely bothered and still haven't got round to photocopying my passport/driving license to register on the donor conceived register. Having a nearly 9 month old baby is really getting in the way haha!

    Offline nevertoolate

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    « Reply #335 on: 16/09/18, 12:51 »
    it feels like there is no where that parents in the non telling camp can get advice and speaking to people with out the people who believe in telling commenting with their agenda.
    its a real shame that both points of view are not being respected. I commented in regards to having a potential situation and another person is now quoting it as advice to people considering not telling. i feel sick that my private thoughts and comments are being used in this way to further peoples personal agenda. it really is very shabby.

    Offline Tincancat

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    « Reply #336 on: 18/09/18, 06:50 »
    It's a hard fact with today's DNA technology a child can in the future easily have their genetic results.  Us parents can't control everything which isn't such a bad thing in my opinion.
    TCCx

    Offline nevertoolate

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #337 on: 21/09/18, 16:38 »
    if those are your views tincat why are you on the not telling forum. yes we can all apply for our DNA results but how many people do? a lot of pro tellers are commenting on situations that are indeed possible but also unlikely unless it is made into an issue in the first place. from the other point of view a pro teller commented that they felt guilty having their children at all as they wanted them to have regular contact with their donor siblings ... the wonderful women kind enough to donate don't see it in that way at all. they are donating after all in order to help us have our children.

    This should be a safe place for non tellers to have a discussion so please pass your what if comments elsewhere... yes we could all get a DNA test but how many people honestly want to put their own DNA information on a commercial company database that can be used any way in the future. not many unless there are situations like paternity tests in divorce situations.

    There is an awful lot of scare mongering going on here and its really not fair on the people who are at the start of their journey..







    Offline Tincancat

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    « Reply #338 on: 21/09/18, 22:51 »
    I deal with facts.  My views don't come into this.  The facts are people are increasingly interested in their DNA often as part of family ancestry tracing.  You seem to have an issue with people doing DNA analysis: therefore it would seem you have an issue with an increasing number of people in the general population who do go to these commercial organisations for testing.
    TCCx

    Offline Stacey10

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    « Reply #339 on: 21/09/18, 23:21 »
    I also wouldn’t go near these DNA companies as I know where I live they collect the DNA and can share with police etc with getting any form of consent from you. Not that I’m going to do anything wrong, but I just wouldn’t trust them.
    I’m also in the not telling camp, I know I’m sick of hearing that telling is the “right” thing to do, well it maybe the right thing to do for some but no ones circumstances are the same and you do what’s right for your own personal circumstances and families. No one way is right or wrong in my opinion.