* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83064 times)

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Offline Tincancat

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #340 on: 21/09/18, 23:48 »
Gosh this thread can get quite nasty sometimes.  Lete hope a moderator can return some balance to this thread.
TCCx

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    Offline Mrs G 0207

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    « Reply #341 on: 22/09/18, 08:43 »
    TCC.... don't force 'facts' on people, make people upset and then expect people to be friendly towards you.
    Please don't comment on this board if you are in the telling camp, there is just no need!
    This is why we have a private non telling board, because no matter what non tellers can't have a safe space whilst there are people constantly reminding us of what can go wrong.

    Never mind needing a moderator to return balance, how about you just leave this particular thread? Your 'facts' simply aren't needed.

    Offline MargotW

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    « Reply #342 on: 22/09/18, 11:47 »
    If people decide not to tell the child that is entirely up to them but I agree with TCC that there are risks that it will come out in an unplanned way and itís better to be forewarned and prepared.

    People can be nasty post separation, not everyone is but some are. Some remain lovely and of course not every couple separates.  I know someone whose ex started calling her the surrogate and she needed legal advice to reassure her that she was her childrenís mother.

    I donít go on the DNA testing websites but plenty of people do, they are and there are plenty of stories out there about people discovering that their father isnít their father. This was in the paper the other day.

    https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/18/your-fathers-not-your-father-when-dna-tests-reveal-more-than-you-bargained-for

    Itís not necessarily the donors or recipients who will be on the websites but could be their close family. Of course itís not an immediate issue, just one when the child gets older and independent enough to send off a sample.


    Offline Me731

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #343 on: 22/09/18, 12:43 »
    Isn't this topic for people who decided not to tell? Or is it just a general thread debating the pros and cons of telling? I'm just genuinely curious, as it seems that there is always someone who pops up with the whole DNA story, trying to get people who have a different opinion,  to see things from their perspective. Of course everyone has heard of DNA tests by now, so if someone decides not to tell, and finds a safe place on this forum to discuss this, why do people decide they still need to educate us about DNA tests (as if we don't already know about this) in order to persuade us differently. Why does anyone feel the need to persuade anyone else who they don't even know to do something like them? I don't like the idea of 'camps'- the tell or not tell camp. We are all individuals here. If telling is right for you, go for it. You don't see people on the telling boards trying to convince those not to tell. I found this thread quite refreshing since it doesn't exist on other forums where you are automatically jumped on if you dare to think it may be wiser not to tell.

    Offline Carter4

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    « Reply #344 on: 22/09/18, 12:45 »
    Nobody makes the decision to use DE lightly, so the idea that those that are pro telling feel the need to point out all the reasons  why it can go wrong if you don't tell is frankly laughable (code for insulting).

    If only opinions could be delivered in a more measured and kind way, a lot of angst could be avoided.

    TCC I note the environment you work in, perhaps too much knowledge in the wrong hands applies here. You have simply been far too blunt on such an emotive issue. You know this though, don't you!


    Offline emeds

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    « Reply #345 on: 22/09/18, 23:17 »
    Hi all, I am planning on doing DE in Czech in December, my husband and I are definitely in the not telling camp, and we feel very comfortable with this decision. In fact, we are almost excited by it, as we have our own little secret. I have been following this forum for a little bit as I know I cannot join the private not telling group until I become pregnant. I have read all the pages and there is a lot of great information that has answered some of my questions about situations that I may face in the future. I am based in the US and was not required to do any counseling prior to DE. it seems, from what you have all said, that there is very much a one-sided view by professionals and/or the system in the UK, and this seems to be a very narrow-minded view. The system should be ashamed for being so judgemental and making women feel poorly for a decision that is often so hard to make in the first place.

    Offline Tincancat

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #346 on: 23/09/18, 06:21 »
    This is an open forum.  There is no forcing of facts just a simple explanation.  Not everyone will have thought about all the consequences as Margot has said.

    If people become upset by a fact being given then the person perhaps needs to look to themselves as to why they are becoming upset: do not shoot the message giver!

     Respect needs to be given to those who have not begun to think about DNA testing by the child or wider family in the future.

    People have a right to do what they want and I think it's only sensible the topic is debated and thought through fully before a decision is taken.  My experience has helped others to remain in the not telling because I'm able to contribute to the practical side of what happens in a hospital regarding blood tests.
    TCCx

    Offline Artypants

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #347 on: 23/09/18, 12:37 »
    I think we need to draw a line under the DNA testing topic please, there are other arenas on this forum for a discussion on this subject but this particular thread needs to remain as a NOT telling discussion.

    Thanks all x

    Offline Stacey10

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    « Reply #348 on: 23/09/18, 12:58 »
    Thanks Artypants  :)
    Totally agree dreamingofabfp  :)

    Offline Tincancat

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    « Reply #349 on: 23/09/18, 20:36 »
    Totally agree.
    TCCx