* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83041 times)

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Offline Blondie71

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #40 on: 2/03/15, 21:34 »
Liz I also nearly went the KD route THANK GOD I didn't as I thought I knew him inside out but he changed completely when it came close to treatment, making all kinds of crazy demands to suit him and only him, this competely selfless guy turned into the biggest control-freak and tried to dictate everything even though he wasn't contributing a penny, when I changed to an anon donor he insulted me very visciously, our 20 year friendship ended very abruptly but needless to say I'm glad I saw him for what he is as I don't need anybody that unhinged in my life.

Anon is so much better imo x

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    Offline liz lemon

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #41 on: 3/03/15, 19:43 »
    Blondie71, that must have been such a shock! We are lucky (and very unlucky) in that I have been pregnant via home insemination with our donor, but it ended very badly with a late miscarriage. What it did show us, was how he reacted to the pregnancy news, when he said "I'm so pleased for you both" (no mention of him) and it was me who said that I wanted to keep track of his whereabouts in case our child wanted contact.

    I'm convinced on the not telling with the egg part, but I'm still conflicted regarding the sperm part. For me, naiive as it may sound, control isn't a concern, but I can't decide which is the lesser of two possible worst case scenarios for the child; never being able to trace his/her anonymous donor, or the possibility of not having the relationship he/she wants with the known donor.

    When I fall on the embryo donation side, I think it's because it suits *me*, e.g it's cheaper, involves fewer drugs, no waiting list, more choice, embryo can be tested, etc etc. And unlike a heterosexual couple, I will have to tell something on the sperm side, as it clearly didn't come from my wife.

    Thank-you SO much, everyone, for weighing in with your thoughts. I know it's a very contentious issue, and I am already in the not telling camp for the egg; it's just the sperm side I keep too-ing and fro-ing on. Thanks for being so patient. It must be a bit trying, talking with someone who is undecided when you have already made your decision, and for good reasons :)

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #42 on: 3/03/15, 20:28 »
    Liz this is a place for discussion, so you are in the right place  ^hugme^ I do personally wonder why it is so important for some children to find their recent 'ancestral roots' I kind of just don't get it. As a scientist myself I would be interested in a 'way back' what part of the world sort of way but with DS I think it comes down to someone you can potentially meet or someone you can't - which seems a whole different kettle of fish. Tbh I'm a bit tired, so may not be making much sense  ^idiot^
    Good luck with your decision, it is, indeed a tough one  ^hugme^
    xx

    Offline liz lemon

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    « Reply #43 on: 3/03/15, 20:41 »
    Thanks Bundles! As an artsy-fartsy type, I very much appreciate the input of a scientist; especially the analytical skills!

    Offline Blondie71

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    « Reply #44 on: 3/03/15, 21:22 »
    There is no right or wrong way in any of this and we all do what is right for our own family situations. I hadn't realised you had such a late loss very sorry to read that, maybe a known donor can work for you if he's already proven himself under such stressful conditions and it sounds like you are more comfortable with a KD so go with your heart and initial instincts  ^hugme^

    Offline firefly9373

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    « Reply #45 on: 8/03/15, 00:18 »
    Hi Ladies

    We too have decided on the not telling - but sometimes it can test your limits  ^idiot^
    I had to sit and listen to my MIL - whom I have to say is a fantastic grandmother and someone who has been a huge help to me over the months, tell a story about a forty something year old woman who was on TV the other morning having had double donor treatment and how beautiful her son was but how can she possibly sit there and think that's her son?
    After the initial stab to the heart and the biting of the tongue, I subtly explained the error of her ways  ::) and then sat there thinking 'if only you knew!'  ;D
    This only confirms for me that our decision was right for us although I guess if she'd have known from day one that I had DE then I know she wouldn't have said this - but would she still think it? ???

    Offline bundles

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    « Reply #46 on: 8/03/15, 00:42 »
    Oh Firefly  ^hugme^ i put it down to the ignorance of the elderly  :-\ I used to do voluntary work with elderly people and was constantly amazed at some of the things they said  :) especially in this now PC world! As you say, at least she has no idea  :)
    Xx

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    « Reply #47 on: 8/03/15, 10:12 »
    Hi firefly9373,

    You could look at your MIL's comment another way - it just shows how even close family members have no inkling about the type of treatment you had if you choose to keep this confidential.

    B xxx

    Offline firefly9373

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    « Reply #48 on: 8/03/15, 22:32 »
    I completely agree Bundles, they are prone to come away with some classic comments!
    Thanks too Bomsh3ll, I'm still trying to adjust to 'the secret' but it does show that we've been successful so far  :)
    I'm totally over it now but it did catch me off guard at the time - fierce mama hormones kicking in I guess  ;D
    Thanks again ladies  ^hugme^

    Offline Apple Orchard

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    « Reply #49 on: 10/03/15, 09:14 »
    Thank you for setting up the 'new' not telling support thread! I haven't posted lately because it didn't feel safe.

    I have a dilemma  - we have had our little baby and now that we have I am definitely in the not telling camp. It is so much the best thing for us all - especially our baby.

    My dilemma is this - we had our treatment in the UK because at the time, we thought we would tell. We do not want his birth registered with the HFEA because if it is, then it makes it much harder to keep it a secret. We don't live in the UK. Is there any way to avoid registering? We have not told the clinic about the birth. I do feel bad about that because the person was so supportive, and then there is the donor. I feel bad about that too because she did the most amazing thing. But for our family and our baby, we need to not have it disclosed. What can we do? Is it a legal requirement to register the birth? We really, really do not want to. How I wish we'd gone abroad, but then we would not have our amazing baby.

    Thank you for reading. Any help would be so much appreciated.

    AO