* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83043 times)

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Offline bundles

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #50 on: 10/03/15, 09:34 »
Hi Apple  ^hugme^ congratulations on your little one  :) Tbh I have no idea what your options are. If none of the other ladies can help it might be worth posting in our Ask a Lawyer section:

https://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=216.0

Good luck Hun
xx

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    Offline Apple Orchard

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #51 on: 10/03/15, 09:50 »
    Thank you Bundles, that's a good idea. If no one else knows, I'll ask the lawyer.

    Is there anyone in here who did treatment in the UK, registered with the HFEA and is not telling?

    Thank you again.

    AO

    Offline Apple Orchard

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #52 on: 12/03/15, 10:17 »
    Hello again,

    I just wondering if there's anyone who can help with my dilemma?

    Thank you in advance

    AO

    Offline K jade

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #53 on: 12/03/15, 10:28 »
    hi apple orchard,
    regarding your dilema, I am not sure about how the Hfea keep a register. I do beleive they try to keep tabs on people who use donors (totally wrong in my opinion) but im not sure really how they go about this.

    however if you do not plan on telling your child then there is now way they would know they were donor conceived.
    the term 'donor conceived' is not really commonly known amongst people who havent been through severe infertility. ask the adverage Joe public and they have no idea what IVF involves let alone the use of donor gametes.

    so therefore your child getting some kind of sixth sense they are from a donor and contacting Hfea to ask is pretty unlikley. more unlikley by given the fact you dont live in the UK.

    hope that helps.
    xxxx

    Offline Moragob

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #54 on: 12/03/15, 10:49 »
    Hi Apple Orchard

    I don't know the answer to your question but could you email HFEA anonymously and ask them this question?  I have just had a quick look at the HFEA website and there is an email contact form.  If it was me I think I would set up a new hotmail or google email account and using an alias ask them in a general way without disclosing your situation.  Along the lines of we are considering fertility treatment with DE or DS and want to understand the implications etc etc and then ask if it is a legal requirement to register with them and if so what consequences there may be if you don't.  I don't imagine they can come after you in any way and if the clinic are unaware of the birth then there's no way of knowing whether the pregnancy resulted in a live birth.

    I bet there are plenty of people who don't tell their clinic and/or HFEA.  I had my daughter through a clinic in Spain so have no knowledge of HFEA but I do know that when I asked my clinic about success rates for live births they said they couldn't tell me because a large number of people never let them know the outcome of the pregnancy.  Why would it be any different here?

    Hope that helps
    Morag
    xx

    Offline Lilly83

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #55 on: 12/03/15, 11:03 »
    Hello ladies

    Just letting you know I met with a rep from Care Fertilitys PR and Marketing dept yesterday. It was purely as a patient not as a moderator on here, I did talk in depth about UK clinics more often than not presuming patients will chose to tell and I said I felt there wasn't enough support available for those that won't tell and we discussed the DCN network and their views and the impact clinics pushing DCN can have on 'non tellers'

    I know one persons views won't change much but I think its good to have had chance to discuss with them

    L xx

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #56 on: 12/03/15, 12:01 »
    I'm glad you raised this Lilly83.

    Realistically though for people who know from the off they won't disclose, treatment outside the UK is the most effective way to ensure no UK record exists, anywhere, of the type of treatment you've had.

    For those needing donor sperm, importing frozen DS for home AI is also an option.

    Apple, if the UK clinic treating you are not aware of the birth as you have left the country, then I would simply not have any further contact with them. They cannot submit details of your baby's birth to the HFEA if they don't know them eg name, date and place of birth. I'd say you have nothing to worry about.

    Patsy68, I think your position is trickier having already disclosed - information in medical records is very difficult to retract - however you may have a case for removing this information from your children's records on the grounds that it has the potential to cause psychological harm to them if they discovered they were donor conceived this way.

    For anyone looking to this option in the future, there are no medical advantages to disclosing the use of donor gametes. For example if maternal age is an issue, an OE pregnancy in an older lady carries more risks than a DE one, so disclosing will not result in any greater monitoring etc. Yes it may (favourably) affect results of screening tests for Down's risk, but no test other than amnio/CVS can conclusively diagnose chromosomal abnormalities so again for most people this isn't a concern.

    Regarding allergies an individual is either allergic to something or they are not, and heredity is just one of a wide range of factors, so it isn't possible to assume own-gamete children will share parental allergies or that a child of donor conception will automatically be free from allergies affecting their parent/s.

    B xxx

    Offline evan80

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #57 on: 25/04/15, 13:51 »
    Apple I don't live in the uk but had treatment in the uk. My son was conceived through DS and we are also in the not telling camp. What I don't understand is why you are concerned to register your baby's birth with hfea. I thought that they cannot do anything or reveal anything to the child unless the child contacts them.

    I felt guilty about not telling the clinic about the birth of my child so eventually I decided to inform them especially since I plan to cycle again with them as I still have 4 embryos frozen. I don't live in the uk and sometimes I worry that maybe there could be a change in uk law whereby it would make it possible for the donor to contact us. That would be so devastating since dh only agreed to use ds on condition that we never tell the child and that we never have contact with the donor.
    I was totally against the clinic telling the donor about the birth of the child but unfortunately it was their policy and we were informed of it before we had treatment.

    Offline Apple Orchard

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #58 on: 25/04/15, 14:00 »
    As far as I'm aware the HFEA tell the donor about the birth. For us, the fewer people who know, the better. We just don't want the birth registered anywhere. It makes not telling easier and simpler. I don't want complications years down the line. Who knows how rules and regulations might change.

    Good luck for your next cycle.

    AO

    Offline evan80

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #59 on: 25/04/15, 14:38 »
    Well in our case it's the clinic that willbe telling the donor about the birth. We signed a contract with the clinic before having treatment agreeing to all terms and regulations about use of ds. So if the law had to change surely it could not be applicable in our case given the fact that when we signed the contract the terms were that only the child had the option to contact the donor once he turns 18. Well I hope that's the case cos I would totaly freak out if it wasn't. The only two people in my country who know that we used a donor are our endocrinologist and my gynaecologist. There was no point in lying to them cos they knew we stood no chance of dh having a biological child after they saw his test results. Otherwise we did not tell anyone not even our parents.