* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83035 times)

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Offline Blondie71

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #60 on: 25/04/15, 21:38 »
Evan I could be wrong but I really doubt a donor would ever be given your details, the onus would be on the resulting child/ren to initiate contact and as you're not telling I doubt it's something to panic over.

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    Offline Val74

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #61 on: 27/04/15, 01:34 »
    Hi I've been reading this thread as am currently in the position of considering donor eggs and really not sure where I fit with the telling/not telling.  Morally I feel that if I did then I ought to be honest but emotionally I wouldn't actually want to tell a soul, apart from my husband of course and if I could I would even avoid telling him!  Just read the last few comments and I know things change all the time and different clinics have different protocols but my friend and his wife were double donors and the only info that they received was that both of their recipients had a positive pregnancy, nothing else, not when they cycled, where they are from or even the sex of the child.  Hope that helps a little bit as it sounds like the worry is awful.  Val xx

    Offline weffwild

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    Telling the child and other people, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #62 on: 26/06/15, 23:18 »
    We are starting treatment fairly soon (hopefully) we have our counselling for donor sperm next week and onwards from there really. We have discussed and don't want to tell anyone or the child, although I'm aware that now this information is available from 16+, is this at a choice to the parents? Or is somehow passed to the child? Not sure how stupid this question is?

    Offline weffwild

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #63 on: 26/06/15, 23:28 »
    We're starting our journey next week (scared but excited). We've had all bloods and scans done so just awaiting counselling and to see the donor team and then hopefully all systems go! We've discussed between us as we both agree on the basis of receiving donor sperm that we wouldn't want to tell our child / children. We both feel that as their parents they are loved and if we could have we would have biologically made them so why do they need to know any different? Although this is such a controversial subject this is just how we feel and at in a way what you don't knew can't hurt you, we have also not told any family or friends, all they know is that we will have IUI. Do any of you know how the process is in terms of when the child is 16/18, can they go completely unknowing their whole life or is there a possible way of them being contacted and if so how would they be? This is the only aspect that's worrying me and I think my partner worries more due to the baby not being biologically his but obviously will be mine, at the end of the day I feel the baby will be ours and no one has the right to know or question that if that's what we want

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #64 on: 27/06/15, 04:49 »
    Hi Weffwild  ^hugme^
    I had my treatment in Spain where donation is anonymous but as I understand it,  here in the UK if donor conceived children are told they are dc, at 16 they can apply for limited information or at 18 they can be given their donor's last recorded contact details. Obviously if they are never told then they may never think to ask.
    As Ellaa says, do be mindful of who does your counseling. It's definitely worth doing some research beforehand and go prepared with questions.
    Good luck
    Xx

    Offline weffwild

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    « Reply #65 on: 27/06/15, 08:35 »
    Thanks Bundles and Ellaa, we've researched quite a bit and don't think we will change our minds either at any point, as we had both done this independently and I one day said to my partner what would you want to do and we both completely had the same idea (handy that we agree). We're having counselling via our treatment clinic so not sure how bias they'll be for one side more than the other but we're both pretty set so hopefully they'll be no 'convincing'. We were planning on DS via UK within the clinic but if the child never asked then they wouldn't know? Is there a way they could find out?

    Offline Lilly83

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #66 on: 27/06/15, 09:00 »
    I agree regarding the counselling, I had mine through my clinic and it was very 'pro telling' Infact they never even really asked me they just used a lot of literature on how to tell the child and pushed several sites and resources that are very pro telling too

    I did feed that back to my clinic afterwards how I think it was very one sided

    L x

    Offline K jade

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #67 on: 27/06/15, 10:50 »
    What i am confused about is exactly HOW the HFEA get hold of your childs details ...does anyone know?
    Unless the parents send the childs BC or fill out a form with all your childs details on and send it to them, how do they add your child to their register??
    I think , unless I am wrong, the clinic informs HFEA on a successful pregnancy , but given the amount of IVF pregnancy's which end in M/C , surely this isn't significant info to HFEA
    Surely its a live birth they would want to know about

    We are still undecided about telling or not. But what if I decide I don't want MY Childs info stored on a mass database , what rights do we have to opt out? It upsets me as the general population aren't subject to this kind of record keeping and surveillance, why shud we be?

    Offline weffwild

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #68 on: 27/06/15, 16:37 »
    I will ask next week at our appointment Kjade and get back to you on this post, exactly the same thing I've been wondering!

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #69 on: 27/06/15, 19:58 »
    I also felt much more secure going abroad for anon DE. Once home the origin of the eggs used in that cycle wasn't on any UK record, ever.

    It only takes one reference to donor gametes in your maternity or other medical notes to start a cascade of disclosure that you have no control over & that could come back to haunt you years down the line.

    My understanding is the HFEA donor database only concerns IVF/ICSI pregnancies, & if I were in the situation of those on here where the female partner has no issues but donor sperm is needed I would do home AI with DS imported from Cryos.

    Not only is this completely private but MUCH cheaper & doesn't put you through all the health risks of IVF.

    Best wishes,

    B xxx