* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83040 times)

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Offline Apple Orchard

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #70 on: 27/06/15, 20:46 »
We did DE in the UK and we have not informed our clinic of the birth. They know I got pregnant but I stopped contact at around 15 weeks. They have no idea when or what we had. We were sent a form to fill in for the hfea and I am not going to fill it in. The only worry is have is that the clinic have our details. But if we don't tell, our child wouldn't know to look. They will know they are IVF though. So hopefully de would never occur to her/him. Hope that helps.

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    Offline Apple Orchard

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    « Reply #71 on: 28/06/15, 02:16 »
    I can't remember when they sent the form. It was via email. It just asked details about the birth, sex, date etc. they have not followed it up ,,, yet. I don't think they ever took the name of my gp. It was never put in my notes. You don't have to tell your gp. You don't have to tell anyone.
    I wonder how long the clinic will keep the records for?

    Offline weffwild

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    « Reply #72 on: 28/06/15, 03:38 »
    Apple orchard this is a very good point, if they don't get the form surely they won't know? Made me have quite a few questions ready for next week at the counselling and definitely to discuss with my DH when he returns from his trip. My worry would be in your circumstance if you were to want siblings? How would you go about it?

    Offline K jade

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #73 on: 28/06/15, 10:58 »
    Thanks apple orchard, this is all very informative
    Funnily enough I called HFEA and their response was "don't worry the clinic take care of it"
    Well unless the clinic are telepathic I really don't see how confident they can be about that statement

    Offline Apple Orchard

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    « Reply #74 on: 28/06/15, 11:53 »
    Clearly that system doesn't work!! They don't know about us and they never will.

    Offline WolfyOne

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    « Reply #75 on: 28/06/15, 16:16 »
    I hope you don't mind me posting and don't see it as gate crashing, as my DH and I are planning on telling our children, but my post isn't about whether on not the child is told.

    We are all very appreciative of our donors. Without them we would not have a chance at pregnancy / be pregnant / have children. However, by not telling the clinic/hfea seems to me to go against the rights of the donor. If they specify a family limit, which they have every right to do, by not telling the clinic/hfea once a child is born means that the baby would not be counted against their family limit. They could therefore end up with pregnancies against many more families than they wanted. I just hate to think of the people benefiting from their donation going against the rights of the people that are helping us  :(

    Again, I hope I won't be shot down, I just wanted to put the rights of the donor out there...

    Offline bundles

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #76 on: 28/06/15, 16:53 »
    Wolfy you have a very valid point, and I'm sure that whilst the ladies are seeking information, you won't be shot down  ^hugme^  I'm really not sure what the answer is & if there were an extra few hours in the day at the moment, I would definitely be doing a lot of research. I did actually start looking things up at around 3am today but on a tablet it's not that great  ::)
    Personally, I would be contacting HFEA anonymously to ask how their tracing policy works. Although having just this minute read through a fair bit of their website info, it mainly explains storage of donor info rather than collection of donor conceived childrens' info. In which case, if you phone a clinic directly (anonymously) to ask how they collect DC childrens details, it may prove more helpful  ;)

    xx

    Offline Apple Orchard

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    « Reply #77 on: 28/06/15, 18:21 »
    I can see what you're saying and we have already given it a lot of thought. If there was a way of telling the donor without telling the hfea or clinic, I would. The donor is an amazing person and we will be forever grateful to her. Again, if I could tell her that, I would. I'd love to be able to thank her for what she did.

    Offline weffwild

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    « Reply #78 on: 28/06/15, 19:17 »
    This has so brought to life how hard the whole telling/ not telling situation is. I thought when we'd made the decision to not tell them that would be that and it would all be in our hands but now it seems so complex, like is there a way the child can find out, how would they find out and even if the clinic was informed of a birth then how 16years down the line would they even have contacts for you?

    I find the idea of a child we've made and love having an interest in contact a donor/ siblings created by the donor. Although I'm so appreciative of all that donors do (and I hope to donate my eggs after having my own children) I just don't want that contact to happen. Definitely seriously considering going outside the UK now for DS. Are the laws very different in Europe? And has anyone got suggestions how to go about getting it from Europe?

    Offline Blondie71

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    « Reply #79 on: 28/06/15, 21:57 »
    Another point is by going abroad you do minimise drastically the chances of your child potentially hooking up with siblings in the future and that is a very real concern if some of the women who used your donor and are living in close proximity to you are NOT disclosing birth info to the clinic, that's just one of the things that is potentially explosive in the future x