* Author Topic: NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread  (Read 83042 times)

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Offline betty21

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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
« Reply #80 on: 29/06/15, 19:05 »
Hi - im new to this thread - i  went to spain for DE in 2013 and last year gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl - my husband is spanish and im british (fair skinned) whilst i was pregnant i told midwife and my doctor that the baby was conceived via donor egg and all this was put in my notes. The clinic in spain told us to inform our doctor as we wouldnt require alot of the tests as i was 46 and the donor was 20. We dont intend on telling our daughter ever if we can help it (just our choice) she looks just like her dad facially and my hair colouring with typical olive skin - so alls good. My problem is will our daughter ever find this out - as i know when my mums sister died she had got all her doctors records - and i would hate it if our daughter found out years later when we are no longer alive to explain. Is there a way of getting all this information removed from medical records?

So anyway i am now on my 2WW and going for round 2 - using the same donor as before - IF this as worked (not convinced at the moment) do i even tell the doctor and therefore go through un necessary tests just to safe guard ourselves in the future?

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    Offline Moragob

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #81 on: 29/06/15, 21:23 »
    Betty, I'm not sure you can get information taken off your records but someone else hopefully will.  But I am sure that you can just decline the tests.  I am 12 wks with my 2nd DE pregnancy and at my booking appointment was asked whether or not I wanted the tests.  My midwife said to think about what we would do if the tests were positive and if we wouldn't terminate then maybe it's not worth having the screening done.  She looked at not testing as a positive option and certainly not in terms of whether they were my eggs or not and I am 48.  I guess I am just trying to say there are all sorts of reasons for declining  things without having to tell.

    Although I have told I have not had any contact with DCN as I don't like the pushing to tell and we made a very conscious decision to use an anonymous donor.  I strongly feel my business is my business and also feel that the UK info out there is skewed towards telling and not allowing anonymity which is just plain wrong.  We need balanced support and literature not one sided pressurising.  My decision to tell was taken out of my hands as my DH told family before we had finished the discussion.  I admire those of you who have not succumbed to pressure.

    Morag

    Offline Me, Myself and I

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #82 on: 30/06/15, 08:09 »
    I am glad that someone else also thought the same re the post that has disappeared and claiming to be a dc child.
    Though it may have been well intentioned it felt to me like an emotionally blackmailing attempt post.
    I have decided not to tell. Who knows maybe this will change but right now in current circumstances this is where I am at!

    Offline Lilly83

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    « Reply #83 on: 30/06/15, 08:11 »
    I have moved the post whilst we look into it

    Thanks for flagging it Ellaa

    L x

    Offline Lilly83

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #84 on: 30/06/15, 12:53 »
    Can I just respectfully ask that any new posters read the first post on this thread before posting to check if it's the correct area for your post/query

    There are many different areas for donor conception on this board and we do keep a seperate area for 'Tellers' and 'Non tellers' and ask that this is respected, any posts deemed not suitable may be moved/deleted

    L

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread
    « Reply #85 on: 1/07/15, 22:18 »
    I just wanted to respond to the earlier comments on fairness to the donors in confirming a successful birth of a donor conceived child.

    I have always personally felt that donation for the right reasons ought to be done with no expectation of anything back other than the fee if relevant. I would feel quite uncomfortable if I thought my donor might be waiting/hoping to one day be reunited with a grown-up child, in whose face they would be looking for their own characteristics. It's not like adoption, it's a gift given freely like releasing a caged bird to fly off into the world, knowing it won't come back & you cannot control where it goes but that you have done a beautiful thing.

    I agree that for many reasons it is sensible to have a limit on number of potential genetic offspring per donor, however in the case of egg donation there are generally strict limits on how many donation cycles a woman can undergo for health reasons, & sperm donors can specify a maximum number of patients treated irrespective of conceptions/live births. In the best case, a donor of good quality sperm could treat say a max of 6 people & they may all give birth, whereas a donor with less healthy sperm could treat 6 & no births result. If we were just counting numbers of births, the latter could go on donating & donating, but with no success it wouldn't be ideal in practice to keep using his donations.

    Donors do an amazing & wonderful thing for the people they help, & just knowing that you've given someone a chance, & hope, is every bit as valid & worthwhile irrespective of the end result, & the gesture is in no way diminished if it doesn't result in a baby.

    B xxx

    Offline Jenbal

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    « Reply #86 on: 1/07/15, 22:42 »
    Bombsh3ll, I couldn't agree more!

    I have been an egg donor 3 times (2 of my recipients successful) and am now going to Czech Republic for embryo donation as we have been told that myself and DH just are not compatible and will likely never have biological children.

    When I donated my eggs, they became the child of another women, not mine, never mine. I would never want my recipients to feel neglected or saddened by their child seeking their donor and I would happily explain to anyone that wants to listen that I donated, not only because we needed treatment ourselves but because if I could help someone else going through this process then why wouldn't i? People that go through any donor treatment have made an informed decision and will be loving, caring parents. I hope that my recipients are happy, healthy and look at their child and see themselves.

    I did this purely for the recipient and am now of the opinion that we (if successful) will not tell our child that they are donor conceived. They will be our child, nobody else's!

    Just my 2 pence worth. Good luck ladies.

    Jen xxxxx

    Offline bundles

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    « Reply #87 on: 1/07/15, 22:47 »
    I think in the grand scheme of things, the occasional recipient not informing of success is probably quite small. Especially if the majority of people are counselled to believe that telling is the norm  ::)

    I saw a documentary some time back where the egg donor wanted to find the children from her eggs. She seemed quite adamant it was her right  :o For me, it is a single cell. Yes it can be joined with a sperm to make a baby but it's not her baby. She didn't grow it, it's not her partner's sperm. If you donated blood you wouldn't want to meet everyone who received it !!!

    How lovely Jen  :)

    Xx

    Offline Apple Orchard

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    « Reply #88 on: 2/07/15, 07:56 »
    What a lovely post Bombsh3ll. And how true! I don't feel so bad now. Thank you for writing it.

    Offline CrazyHorse

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    « Reply #89 on: 2/07/15, 08:05 »
    Bundles, I agree with you. I am not impressed with the HFEA's efforts to set itself up as the arbiter of "ethics" in assisted reproduction, either.

    Bombshell mentioned the issue of genetic half-siblings from the same donor becoming romantically involved being a bigger issue when using local donors (e.g., egg-sharing at a UK clinic). Whilst she's quite right that using a donor abroad decreases the risk of this, I also think that the hysteria about donor-conceived children reproducing with their "siblings" is totally overblown. Obviously, if there is a recessive genetic disorder, there will be significantly increased risk of the offspring suffering from it, but this already occurs in ethnic communities that historically haven't had a lot of out-marriage (e.g., Tay Sachs among Ashkenazi Jews). The social taboo against incest (which exists for very valid psychological reasons) leads people to wildly overestimate the actual physiological risks associated with occasional inbreeding. Yes, it would be weird to discover that the love of your life is genetically your half-sibling, and some people might have real psychological distress from it. But the idea that the children of such a union would be at generally high risk of disease is false.

    Anyway, just my $0.02. I'm currently almost halfway through an OE pregnancy, but at 40 and an AMH of 1.8 I was staring down the barrel of DE and was strongly leaning toward not telling if we went that road -- hence why I keep an eye on this thread. I'm 99% confident we won't be going for a sibling if the current pregnancy works out, but if we do that would of necessity be DE.