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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread

118K views 392 replies 83 participants last post by  Sweetmother 
#1 ·
This is a support thread for those people
who plan NOT TO tell any child conceived that a donor was used

Anyone who is undecided may dip into both the telling and not telling threads
to get both sides, or ask questions.

Any posts belittling or disputing the choices others have made will be removed.
Harassment will not be tolerated in any form.


PLEASE NOTE THAT IN LIGHT OF RECENT ANTAGONISM, THIS THREAD WILL BE HEAVILY MODERATED AT ALL TIMES, WITH ANY PRO-TELLING TALK REMOVED. ANYONE WHO RECEIVES UNWANTED PM'S IS ENCOURAGED TO PRESS THE 'REPORT TO ADMIN' BUTTON SO THAT IT CAN BE SORTED OUT
 
#27 ·
Madame Cissy- think there are more of us than we realise. It just being that the tell brigade shout louder and assume they have some higher moral ground.
 
#28 ·
K jade - you've described my feelings exactly. I'd wonder about the nature of the relationship too after we'd raised and loved him for all these years. I also watched a documentary about sperm donors from Denmark the other day and even those who were non-anonymous said that if a donor conceived child made contact. they wouldn't be too interested in pursuing any kind of relationship anyway. For me that only reaffirmed our decision to use an anonymous donor.

Me Myself and I, I think you're right. I also recognise you from another thread  :)
 
#29 ·
Madamecissy - my friend has raised her twin boys with two mums. They are 13 now. No desire to find out about their sperm donor - she knows the basics of who he is but thati's it. She said they never ask questions. They are lovely well-rounded kids. So Happy! And have 2 mums. That's it. I think that's the key. Happiness or love as love angel was saying. They might look when they are older but so far they have never felt deprived. 

Don't get me wrong, I hear and know of kids looking when they're older but I am starting to belive it's because in some way they are unhappy in their lives.

 
#30 ·
Madamcissy you're def not alone I've used an anon donor too and as I'm single it will be obvious, I honestly am not going to make him a big issue in their minds or put him up there on a pedestal for them with anything more than the bare facts, after all he could be a terrible person and a massive disappointment for them??? He is primarily just a donor to me and def not "dad", I doubt my boys will ever know who he is tbh unless laws change drastically and I'm hoping their lives will be so full of love that they won't dwell on it too much. I agree with lucky that the people who go crazy looking for birth parents are usually those who are lacking something in their lives and desperate to fix that x
 
#31 ·
Thank you for your comments, ladies. It really does reaffirm that we made a decision that truly felt right for us. we know the minimal basics about our donor (weight, height, eye colour, hair, profession, blood type) but he's nothing more than a number to us.
 
#33 ·
Madamecissy great to see you here. Like you I am convinced that we have made the right decision about not telling the child that he was conceived through a donor. I am so thankful for this thread because I had so many doubts about the whole issue.

Our son means the world to us and I am so glad that dh has bonded so well with him and was relieved to hear him say that he does not regret the decision. As people have said on this board once we give our child all the love that he needs he will not feel the need to go looking for the donor. I am very grateful for the donor's act of selflessness because we would never have been able to become parents. What I don't agree with is the fact that when treatment is successful our clinic has the policy of informing the donor that treatment has been successful and they also inform him of the gender of the child. But I guess it is their policy and we just have to accept it.
 
#34 ·
Evan, good to see you here too. When we conceived, we had to inform the sperm bank that we'd gotten pregnant. But it's for their own records, not for the donor to know. It's just registered as pregnancy conceived through that particular donor.  I've been thinking about it all even more since joining this thread and the more I do, the more convinced and secure I feel.  :) I also just noticed our boys are only 10 days apart.  :)
 
#35 ·
Hello everyone

Even though I know ultimately we will have to make our own decision, I wonder if any of you can offer your thoughts on what you would choose if you were in my shoes. Here's my situation: I am in a same-sex relationship, and I need to use donor eggs. We have a choice between a totally anonymous sperm donor (we'd do embryo donation in this case), or having a male friend donate the sperm. There are no issues regarding trusting him, etc. He is genuinely happy to have as little or as much involvement as we/the child wishes, at whatever time in our lives. We have decided (for the time being; a bit of chopping and changing sometimes!) not to tell the child that we used an egg donor, as it will be impossible for them to find out any information anyway, so it would potentially be more stressful to know but never be able to identify the donor than not know at all. Which option would you choose for the sperm donation, and why? I'm very conflicted, trying to work out what is best for the child, rather that what might suit me! Thoughts from anyone gratefully received!
 
#36 ·
Hi, liz lemon (love your name, BTW!), if it were me I would go for the anonymous sperm donor. Not because you don't or shouldn't trust your friend, but because it's very hard for people to accurately predict in advance their emotions about a situation they've never been in before. It's one thing to be a sperm donor and know (or suspect) that you have a hypothetical offspring that you've never seen, and quite another to know that your friends' child, whom you have seen in person multiple times, is biologically yours. No matter how well prepared you and your friend believe you all are, he may find himself in the future having feelings he would never predict now. If it were me, I would opt for the scenario with the least risk of possible drama, which is definitely the anonymous donor.

Part of the reason I say this is that I am friends with a hetero couple in which, about 20 years ago, the male partner considered donating sperm to a lesbian couple who are mutual friends. Ultimately, it didn't happen due to one of the members of the same-sex couple changing her mind about moving forward with children at that time; years later, after the hetero couple had children of their own, the wife told me she was very glad in retrospect that her DH hadn't donated the sperm, as she would have felt really strange about having one of his bio children raised by someone else as an unacknowledged half-sibling to her children, even though the child would have good and loving parents. So it can be weird not only for the known donor, but for the donor's partner as well.

Anyway, just my $0.02. I'm sure it will work out fine whatever you choose.
 
#37 ·
Thanks CrazyHorse; yours is a bit good too!

And thanks for the input. I'm one of those people who need to talk things through and hear what others think, and of course I can't do this in real life, because if we're not telling, that means not telling anyone at all. Quite the challenge for a natural over-sharer!

The points you make are really important, and i'll add them to my ever-increasing list of pros and cons. If we used our friend, we would have to go with the flow and be open about him being the donor, and whilst I know that he would be okay with the child having a relationship with him if he/she wanted, but he is single at the moment and this could change if he met someone who didn't want him to have contact etc. All worst case scenarios, and I think he is made of sterner stuff than that, but you never know. Also, although I would be okay with the donor having a role, I would worry about my wife feeling ousted. So much to think about.

If I was in a heterosexual relationship, I think I'd find it all much more clear-cut, because not telling the child that both egg and sperm donors were used doesn't leave the obvious void of no father present. What a palaver. I do wish I wasn't one of life's ruminating types!
 
#38 ·
Liz lemon, I am also in a same sex relationship and when we first started discussing the subject of children, we also considered the option of using a friend as our sperm donor. We decided against it eventually because we were worried about the donor changing his mind and wanting involvment in the child's life, which was something we did not want at all. It is impossible to see into then future and your donor may be just find, but a same sex couple I know who used a known donor is now experiencing their donor wanting more contact, even though they had agreed not to.

We used anonymous donor sperm because we wanted to avoid all of that and because we don't see how a known donor would fit into our lives as a family. To us, and I speak for us as a couple alone, the donor was merely a means to an end. We are our son's parents.

Good luck with whatever you decide.  ^hugme^
 
#39 ·
Hi liz lemon,

I agree with the others- in your position I would go for the embryo adoption. That way you get total control and anonymity - however well intentioned your friend is, it has the potential to cause complications further down the line.

Embryo adoption also has more practical advantages too, being several thousand pounds cheaper than fresh DEIVF. You know the embryos already exist and their number and quality, no worries about no eggs/no fertilisation etc as you've skipped that bit.

Also the logistics of using a known sperm donor for DEIVF in the UK would be a nightmare - tons of mandatory counselling, long wait for eggs & non-anonymous ED. If you went abroad for treatment, you would have to either fly the donor out too or ship his frozen sperm out of the UK - which is a legal minefield as well.

Good luck whatever you decide,

B xxx
 
#40 ·
Thanks MadameCissy and bombsh3ll, I really appreciate the input. We are going to use an overseas clinic anyway, because it's so much cheaper but bombsh3ll, you are so right about using a friend as donor in the UK being a huge hassle, as in addition to everything you've pointed out, his sperm would have to be frozen for 6 months before we could get started, all of which ruled out UK clinics very early on.

Regarding any change of mind regarding involvement of the donor friend in our child's life, I'm not (yet) as worried about that as the potential for my child to be disappointed or worse if she/he did want to be in contact and the donor didn't. At least the child is protected from potential rejection with the anon donor route.
 
#41 ·
Liz I also nearly went the KD route THANK GOD I didn't as I thought I knew him inside out but he changed completely when it came close to treatment, making all kinds of crazy demands to suit him and only him, this competely selfless guy turned into the biggest control-freak and tried to dictate everything even though he wasn't contributing a penny, when I changed to an anon donor he insulted me very visciously, our 20 year friendship ended very abruptly but needless to say I'm glad I saw him for what he is as I don't need anybody that unhinged in my life.

Anon is so much better imo x
 
#42 ·
Blondie71, that must have been such a shock! We are lucky (and very unlucky) in that I have been pregnant via home insemination with our donor, but it ended very badly with a late miscarriage. What it did show us, was how he reacted to the pregnancy news, when he said "I'm so pleased for you both" (no mention of him) and it was me who said that I wanted to keep track of his whereabouts in case our child wanted contact.

I'm convinced on the not telling with the egg part, but I'm still conflicted regarding the sperm part. For me, naiive as it may sound, control isn't a concern, but I can't decide which is the lesser of two possible worst case scenarios for the child; never being able to trace his/her anonymous donor, or the possibility of not having the relationship he/she wants with the known donor.

When I fall on the embryo donation side, I think it's because it suits *me*, e.g it's cheaper, involves fewer drugs, no waiting list, more choice, embryo can be tested, etc etc. And unlike a heterosexual couple, I will have to tell something on the sperm side, as it clearly didn't come from my wife.

Thank-you SO much, everyone, for weighing in with your thoughts. I know it's a very contentious issue, and I am already in the not telling camp for the egg; it's just the sperm side I keep too-ing and fro-ing on. Thanks for being so patient. It must be a bit trying, talking with someone who is undecided when you have already made your decision, and for good reasons :)
 
#43 ·
Liz this is a place for discussion, so you are in the right place  ^hugme^ I do personally wonder why it is so important for some children to find their recent 'ancestral roots' I kind of just don't get it. As a scientist myself I would be interested in a 'way back' what part of the world sort of way but with DS I think it comes down to someone you can potentially meet or someone you can't - which seems a whole different kettle of fish. Tbh I'm a bit tired, so may not be making much sense  ^idiot^
Good luck with your decision, it is, indeed a tough one  ^hugme^
xx
 
#45 ·
There is no right or wrong way in any of this and we all do what is right for our own family situations. I hadn't realised you had such a late loss very sorry to read that, maybe a known donor can work for you if he's already proven himself under such stressful conditions and it sounds like you are more comfortable with a KD so go with your heart and initial instincts  ^hugme^
 
#46 ·
Hi Ladies

We too have decided on the not telling - but sometimes it can test your limits  ^idiot^
I had to sit and listen to my MIL - whom I have to say is a fantastic grandmother and someone who has been a huge help to me over the months, tell a story about a forty something year old woman who was on TV the other morning having had double donor treatment and how beautiful her son was but how can she possibly sit there and think that's her son?
After the initial stab to the heart and the biting of the tongue, I subtly explained the error of her ways  ::) and then sat there thinking 'if only you knew!'  ;D
This only confirms for me that our decision was right for us although I guess if she'd have known from day one that I had DE then I know she wouldn't have said this - but would she still think it? ???
 
#47 ·
Oh Firefly  ^hugme^ i put it down to the ignorance of the elderly  :-\ I used to do voluntary work with elderly people and was constantly amazed at some of the things they said  :) especially in this now PC world! As you say, at least she has no idea  :)
Xx
 
#48 ·
Hi firefly9373,

You could look at your MIL's comment another way - it just shows how even close family members have no inkling about the type of treatment you had if you choose to keep this confidential.

B xxx
 
#49 ·
I completely agree Bundles, they are prone to come away with some classic comments!
Thanks too Bomsh3ll, I'm still trying to adjust to 'the secret' but it does show that we've been successful so far  :)
I'm totally over it now but it did catch me off guard at the time - fierce mama hormones kicking in I guess  ;D
Thanks again ladies  ^hugme^
 
#50 ·
Thank you for setting up the 'new' not telling support thread! I haven't posted lately because it didn't feel safe.

I have a dilemma  - we have had our little baby and now that we have I am definitely in the not telling camp. It is so much the best thing for us all - especially our baby.

My dilemma is this - we had our treatment in the UK because at the time, we thought we would tell. We do not want his birth registered with the HFEA because if it is, then it makes it much harder to keep it a secret. We don't live in the UK. Is there any way to avoid registering? We have not told the clinic about the birth. I do feel bad about that because the person was so supportive, and then there is the donor. I feel bad about that too because she did the most amazing thing. But for our family and our baby, we need to not have it disclosed. What can we do? Is it a legal requirement to register the birth? We really, really do not want to. How I wish we'd gone abroad, but then we would not have our amazing baby.

Thank you for reading. Any help would be so much appreciated.

AO
 
#51 ·
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