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NOT Telling the child, Chat/Support thread

118K views 392 replies 83 participants last post by  Sweetmother 
#1 ·
This is a support thread for those people
who plan NOT TO tell any child conceived that a donor was used

Anyone who is undecided may dip into both the telling and not telling threads
to get both sides, or ask questions.

Any posts belittling or disputing the choices others have made will be removed.
Harassment will not be tolerated in any form.


PLEASE NOTE THAT IN LIGHT OF RECENT ANTAGONISM, THIS THREAD WILL BE HEAVILY MODERATED AT ALL TIMES, WITH ANY PRO-TELLING TALK REMOVED. ANYONE WHO RECEIVES UNWANTED PM'S IS ENCOURAGED TO PRESS THE 'REPORT TO ADMIN' BUTTON SO THAT IT CAN BE SORTED OUT
 
#153 ·
Hi Weffwild  :) you may get more specific answers if you ask on the IUI board.

IWH  :) I'm not sure how old you are but at my age natural was unlikely  ;D I was happy for my old GP to know but didn't want it on my records.

Xx

Ooops!!! Edited to say didn't want it on my records  :)
 
#154 ·
Bundles has anybody outside of medical field (obviously they'd know about realistic cut-off age with oe) ie your own family etc ever questioned you if DE or not? I honestly think alot goes over peoples heads regarding tx they have no clue about in's & out's.
 
#155 ·
Itwillhappen prob a good idea to say IVF but no need to mention donor unless life of baby depended on it but that's highly unlikely x
 
#156 ·
Blondie no, no one  has ever passed comment - well to me anyway  :) Generally I think that there are three reasons for this. Firstly I have a reputation for speaking my mind  ::) so most close family members wouldn't dare to be so rude ! Secondly, I generally don't look my age and people often think I'm 10yrs younger - although these days I look quite rough  ^eyes^ And thirdly, as you rightly say, most people don't have a clue  ;D I've had the odd generic 'youve left it late' to which I reply (if they're nice) Well we were having too much fun trying  :) or (if theyre not nice) Well I lost 2 babies....... Which is normally enough to shut them up and make them squirm  ;)
Tbh I wonder how many people have actually heard of DE. DS is much more common, and yet I think people still wouldn't suspect unless you were a single lady mentioning ivf.

Xx
 
#157 ·
Bundles I can't imagine you being the type to speak your mind? You always had me down as the quiet type  ;D

You do look young though I can vouch for that!

It's true donor conception isn't really on people's radar unless it was for like you say a same sex couple, when I told people they either hadn't heard of it or thought it was surrogacy

L xx
 
#158 ·
Lilly how well you know me  ;D I actually keep quiet about my age now so that less questions are asked. People will often only see what they want to anyway.

Xx
 
#159 ·
Yeah that's why I was wondering because I see so many women sweating on here about it but I honestly don't think it crosses peoples  minds outside of IVF world, I'm single so unless it was immaculate conception - hey well it kinda was  ;D I was up front as I had to shut people up from gossip and assumptions  ::)
 
#160 ·
I agree with Blondie and my experience is that most people don't have a clue about IVF let alone DE/DS IVF.  I do occasionally get asked if I am my daughters grandmother  ^bigbad^ but now she's older and calling me Mummy people simply don't question it.  I do sometimes tell people that she is IVF but that has usually been in the context of people asking if we are planning siblings.  And now that I am obviously pregnant again their minds can't cope with the idea that it would be anything else.

I have told and have had to explain exactly what DEIVF is as they really, really don't have a clue.  So I think most people simply take it at face value and assume that as you have a child it must have been a natural conception and if not then it is IVF (which a lot of people think is the miracle answer that works every time for everyone).
 
#161 ·
I second this . Joe public really has no idea about IVF.

One of my colleagues once said to me " do u think Michael Jacksons children are adopted, they look nothing like him" ^idiot^ LOL!
Somehow I don't think michael Jackson would have passed an adoption assessment ...

The majority of people would have to actually look up "donor conception" and read into it to find out what it is and what it involves
Especially so when it comes to donor eggs
 
#162 ·
Yes, not once have I been asked whether the twins are DE, only if they are "natural" and that's by complete strangers. I suppose people wonder about about IVF more when there's two. As for being mistaken for their grandmother...When the babies were just a few weeks old I was with my grown up daughter who had just come back from holiday, looking very refreshed, slim and tanned. I on the other hand looked a complete wreck - huge muffin top, greasy pony tail, baby sick on my top, bags under my eyes - and someone thought they were my daughter's. Maybe I didn't look as much of a mess as I thought I did... ::)
 
#163 ·
Haha the granny thing is coming my way when they start school I'm sure cos where I live most seem to have had their kids around 20 so are a granny at 40 (sometimes earlier). Btw if anybody questions age a good way to fob them off is just to say IVF with your own embies that you froze x number of years ago, even medical staff won't question that.
 
#164 ·
Hi, hope it's okay to jump in and ask your opinion please?  We are just at the stage of moving onto DE for child no 2. We plan not to tell so have been considering a Spanish clinic (it just doesn't feel right having other identifiable siblings / bio mother in the background).  That said, we have been fortunate to be almost immediately offered a decent match on a UK donor in a clinic we know well which is just round the corner from where we live.  I am torn between sticking with a clinic we trust / ease of treatment or start a fresh with an overseas clinic but with the benefit of true anonymity.  Id appreciate any views, particularly where anyone has opted not to tell but has used a UK donor (w/o anonymity).  Thanks in advance!
 
#165 ·
Maltby- if you use a UK Donor, I think HFEA gets told that the baby is from a donor and I think it will be in your health records. Perhaps I have misread your post and you know this already.

i would prefer anonymity. That is why if I go to the donor route I intend to go abroad. My thinking is that you would quickly develop a trusting relationship with an overseas clinic. Maybe talk to/ go and see a couple of clinics abroad that you like and then make up your mind then.

 
#166 ·
Kjade - I was told by HFEA that clinics must tell them about OE and DE for each patient. They said it was part of their regulations. I guess if people don't send in the forms and don't detail their pregnancy, then it would be possible to drop off the radar. That is good to know. :)
 
#167 ·
Anon said:
I'm not saying to people lie to get out of being registered, but basically the current rules rely on the patient being honest and willing to report the birth of a child
But none of its enforceable
Lets face it ordinary people are not required to register their child with HFEA so uts a little unfair that we do.
I agree. All the best. x

Moderator note. Quote amended to protect anonymity
 
#168 ·
Thanks for your responses. So can I keep it off my medical records? For example would I have to tell the hospital as part of the antenatal process?
 
#169 ·
No absolutely not. My counsellor was quite clear in saying its your info and totally up to u who u tell. U are under no obligation to tell your ante natal clinic
Think about all the women pregnant by random men from flings and one nighters
They aren't obligated to reveal this to their midwife are they? Its your body, your pregnancy and your business

Glad to have helped.
 
#170 ·
K jade - that's great thank you :)
 
#171 ·
If you're keen for privacy and anonymity I'd say go abroad. That way you have total peace of mind & there is no "paper trail".

I was open about the fact my daughter was a hard-fought-for IVF baby as I wanted my midwives & consultant to be fully aware what it had taken for me to become pregnant & that if anything went wrong I wouldn't just be able to have sex & become pregnant again. I do feel this resulted in closer monitoring, however I never disclosed I had used DE.

Nobody ever asked me about the origin of the eggs or sperm, it was taken for granted that I'd conceived from OEIVF. I would say though that this was probably due to my age as I was 31 - if you are older, especially over 40 & disclose you've conceived by IVF, you should be prepared to potentially be asked directly if DE were used. Lying will not have any negative impact on your care but it will obviously be easier to anticipate this and be prepared what you would say rather than be caught by surprise.

B xxx
 
#172 ·
Hi all
I'm wondering whether - perhaps contradictory- whether there are any meet ups/support groups for those not telling? I know it sounds mad!
 
#173 ·
You could all wear paper bags over your heads  ;D
xx
 
#174 ·
That's really funny I can just picture it! ;D  ;D

I think face to face meet-ups for non-disclosers would probably suit those at the stage of planning/having treatment and not intending to tell or undecided rather than those of us who already have our children.

Obviously once you've been successful you don't want to get involved with anything that would identify the type of treatment you've had, but also I can't see the whole "donor conception" issue continuing to matter (if it did in the first place - not everyone is bothered about genetics) once you've got your lovely baby.

B xxx
 
#175 ·
paper bags - Ha lol  ;D ;D ;D
 
#176 ·
Crying at the thought of a meet up with paper bags over our heads!! We could all wear disguises  ;D

On a serious note though me myself and I, I do understand how you feel. I want total anonymity but at the same I really like the support on here and love the feeling that I'm not the only one this is happening to!
 
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